Child, Please…

I was a child once…we all were. (Some of us still are, but that’s another blog) We’ve all been there with new eyes, spirit and perceptions. Our parents, our first impression of “God” and the guidance we get from them. Even at times we felt abandoned (as sometimes humans do when they feel their prayers aren’t answered) when our parents didn’t measure up. We’ve all experienced a sense of being young and lost. Either way…childhood is something to be preserved and enjoyed. No child should feel like they’ve exchanged roles with their parents and are caretakers, mediators or examples in their tender age.

Yet, that’s what happens when adults acting like children allow their break up to affect their sense of reason and sacrifice as a parental unit. You shouldn’t pretend that there isn’t anything wrong…but, it shouldn’t feel like the battle of all battles when you and your ex step in a room. Your child shouldn’t feel like the prize in a tug-of-war.

QUIT USING CHILDREN AS GET BACK! PAWNS! LEVERAGE! QUIT IT…RIGHT NOW!!!

HOW do you know (just in case you’re THAT damned oblivious) that you’re using your kid as a pawn?

• You ask your child questions about your ex’s activity. Including, but not limited to…who they’re seeing, where they go, what they say about YOU, etc.
• You bar your ex from seeing their child (if you’re a custodial parent) for no other reason than they either didn’t want YOUR ass, didn’t comply with some petty request or you just “felt like it”. Your child should NOT have to suffer because you’re being a bratty child yourself. Didn’t get what you wanted out of the relationship?…too bad. What you DID get is a beautiful child who has a right to see and experience BOTH of their parents…unless your ex is a pedophile, criminal or has missed more visits with them than they’ve kept. (That kind of inconsistency can be heartbreaking)
• You teach your child to lie. You do this when you make up reasons [in front of them] for them not being able to see your ex. When you lie [in front of them] about why. When you tell your child things to sway their affections. BAD mom/dad…BAD BAD mom/dad!

These are just a few…but, you get it.

I know of a few different scenarios where people have/are used/using their children as pawns:

`A man whose ex-wife is so vindictive that her actions can only be deemed as evil. From trumped up charges of harassment, calling him crazy which required psych evaluation, keeping his son from him for months at a time while actively harassing him and his new girlfriend with phone calls and emails. She’s also exhibited signs that she wants him back…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to have him. She’s even taken to dressing like his current girlfriend even though his girl’s style has never been his ex-wife’s style. O__O

`A woman whose husband refuses to divorce her, but is fighting for custody of their child. What kind of ass backward, shaken baby syndrome, fuckshit is that? How don’t you want to let someone go, but want to take the child you share? I’ll tell you…he’s fucking PSYCHO! He wants her in some twisted way, yet because he knows she doesn’t want HIM…he tortures her with the one thing he can. The marriage. Her desire to be free by name and law. Their daughter is just a pawn. I’m all but 100% certain this man has traumatized their daughter with his barrage of questions about where her mother is, who she’s with, if she’s dating, etc. All of this while training their child to “blame” her for everything that’s wrong. Absolutely disgusting, I tell you.

`I also have a friend whose child’s mother is SO hung up on what they DIDN’T have (in spite of her being married for several years) that she’s been plotting with her husband to steal his rights. All he wants is to be a father…and she’s so twisted she can’t nor does she care to see that.

PEOPLE!!! Get your life right. I am honestly taken aback by the selfishness of jilted and angry adults who refuse to see that the children should be the focus of their lives. How the moment you brought children into the world, it was no longer ALL about YOU! Whatever didn’t go wrong with your ex, whatever it is you think they’ve done wrong…the children deserve the best possible environment you can give them. If you have to wear a straight face, so the baby can see daddy…so be it. Cry in your bed later for missing him…but, for goodness sake…don’t not answer his calls. The baby will grow up and be a resentful adult and you WILL be blamed.

Child, PLEASE…

Dia Viente y Ocho~ What If I Were Pregnant…

Lil Kween tryna mother baby cousin

…or got someone pregnant?


Well, that last part makes me either a freak o’nature or my mind dick is POTENT! LOL


Sooooo…if I were pregnant. Well, that would require some sort of sexual activity or willingness on my part to be a surrogate mom or an invitro patient.


Let’s just say I DID do the pelvis pop with someone and got knocked up I’d be happy…as long as it was with someone who could be a full participant in parenthood. If I did manage to get fertilized by the neighborhood “gardener” who tended to NOT tend to his seeds…I’d still accept my gift and do the best I could to be a great mom.


I’ve wanted to be a mom for a long time. I always get the side eye from mothers. “Why do you want kids?” or the infamous “Be lucky you DON’T have anyone else to be responsible for…”.


~sigh~


I get the whole “it-takes-money-time-energy-youth-patience-and GOD” to raise a village…or at least a few denizens in your personal hut…but, I always wanted the experience of carrying to full term a child who shares my DNA and my idiosyncrasies and getting to see them form into their own person. At 38, the reality of this happening dwindles a little more everyday…especially with no real candidate for a husband. Either way…if I were pregnant…I’d thank God for trusting me with someone else’s life and do my best at not screwing them up. lol

The Fear of God in em…

On the heels of my blog concerning the deaths of three black men (Derrion Albert, Sirmone McCaulla, George Woodard Sr.)..comes my afterthoughts.

Sitting reading an interview with Derrion’s great aunt on Essence.com sparked my tears to run again. My emotions to take over. My heart to bleed…as usual. As I read this woman’s words and flashed back to the blog my boy Rippa wrote which had 2 deep videos from a sister named Joy the word “respect” resonated in my spirit. As the sister named Joy broke it down, “respect” simply means to “look again”. To take a second look at something or someone before you make a decision or judgment. That was so deep to me. I love words. I study words and their origins in my free time. I pride myself on having a pretty decent vocabulary…but to me, what is most important…is knowing that the wisdom is in applying the usage to your daily life. So learning a new way to see that word was soul-stirring.

Derrion’s great aunt said that parents should spend more time with their children and that so many parents want their children to be seen and not heard. That is so true. I remember my mother saying to me when I was a child that I didn’t HAVE any privacy to be respected…that it was her job to invade my space. To an extent, I’ll agree…but, I think that parents should give their kids more of their own voice. I fully understand that at the beginning of children’s lives…they need to fear their parents. Their parents are their “God figures” and need to fear them in order to create boundaries when they’re young to keep them safe. Yet, when children begin to formulate their own opinions and independent thoughts…it’s time to reconfigure the parent-child dynamic. Make it safe for them to come to the adults in their lives about whatever pressures they may be influenced by. When kids…especially teens, don’t feel understood or as if they can express themselves, they make alternative routes. All of the pressures they may innately back off from…they partake in to drown out that lost feeling. Whether it’s drugs, sex, gang violence, or other criminal behavior…it’s a way to numb the feelings of being alienated from home.

Early this morning in the 5 o’clock am hour…I saw a woman reporting for Headline News TV. Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell is what it was. She was reporting on the after effects of Derrion’s murder, and she said that a lot of the reason these kids are angry is because of home. She said there is probably physical abuse, alcohol, drugs, etc. She’s right in a way…but, I think other culture thinks those things are the ONLY reason kids act a fool in the streets. MOST black children caught up in gang violence or criminal ways are screaming for attention. A lot of these children’s parents had them when they themselves were mere teens. They’re overworked and underpaid. They’re most likely single parents and have either NO one to assist in keeping watch while they work…or the job is left to elderly family or older siblings. Either way…it’s not always the worst situation. Sometimes it is simply a matter of mom and dad aren’t around like they should be. Not because they don’t want to be, but because bills dictate a working parent.

There’s a lot we can and need to do to grab hold of our youth’s futures. Is it nicely packaged with no damage to parent’s egos? No. It’s raw. It’s a hard road. It’s gonna take a long time…definitely not an over night process…but, it begins “I” believe…with RESPECT. Parents want their children
to respect THEM, but you have to respect them as well. If you treat a boy like a prince and a girl like a princess…then they will learn to behave in the manner of kings and queens-in-training. I don’t mean spoil them with material or allow them to disrespect you…but, teach them their worth by example and reinforcement. Give them the freedom to be themselves and nurture their individual personalities. Protect them and make sure that the world around them knows that there is a lion/father and lioness/mother within arms reach. A child who knows that they have parents to put the fear of God in them…and protect them with the wrath of God…will respect life a little more.

But, that’s just my opinion. What’s yours?

Games, Pawns and Checking ya Mate

Restraining order…court appointed psych test…supervised visits…physical abuse…using child as pawn to manipulate the situation.

What am I talking about? BULLSHIT…PURE unadulterated, nonsensical, unnecessary bullshit.

I know a dude who has been separated from his wife for 2 years. In that time…all of those legal terms above have been used against him. In SPITE of his wife’s incessant emotional and psychological torment…he wanted to reunite. He did everything she asked to prove himself. She lied to the courts and said he was a danger to himself, he had threatened suicide and that she was afraid for her son’s safety with him. The courts made him take a psych test…which he passed. Unfortunately, he was appointed supervised visitations…meaning if he sees his kid…he has to see her too. THEN, when he finds someone else…moves on, files for divorce due to abandonment…she becomes this maniac, stalking him and the girl…showing up at his house at inordinate times of the day or night. Going from Ms Bitch on Wheels, to Merriest Homemaker. TELL me that’s not the craziest shit?

I personally feel like she is wielding her power…recklessly I might add. She’s already taken dude to the cleaners (because since he isn’t divorced his income still gets allotted to the household). She’s controlling when he sees his son…if at all. She knows his family has an open-door policy…so she comes in and out freely now that she suspects she is losing control over him. All of this is because he’s chosen to go through with the divorce she never thought he’d ask for. She is confrontational…looking for reasons to get into it with him and his new interest…yet, throughout the marriage (of 8yrs) she’s been openly disrespectful…allowing men to challenge her husband’s position…leading him to believing strongly that she’s been sleeping with at least ONE person. SO…wtf?

THIS is why I say, when you’re in a situation that is drawn out like psychological/emotional warfare between you and an ex-spouse/lover (esp. one that is headed to court) you should DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Like a journal. Every time something happens out of the ordinary or out of that person’s character….or just an unstable behavioral pattern…write it down.

The judge WILL look at all inconsistent activity. If a person is saying in court, “Your Honor…this person is harassing me”…but the records point towards mental game playing and THAT person initiating conflict…esp. ones that led to filing of false reports…the judge will not take kindly to that.

Basically, you have to be willing to take certain things into your own hands. If you allow for a person to think that just because they’re not being watched by an officer of the court…that they can do malicious things to you…they will continue to do so. You have to be proactive with 3 major things in life…education, medical doctors, and the law. Not only will the courts possibly see a factor that isn’t visible to the naked eye…but they will respect the process. The time and energy you took to build a case and come full throttle in the courtroom, instead of half-assing and playing tiddlywinks on the taxpayer’s dollars. An organized case makes for speedy decision making. I think it is time well spent…especially where children are involved.

Missing: A Family

I’m ready to stop lying to myself. I want a family.

I come from a line of single mothers. My mother, grandmother and great-grandmother were primarily single mothers. My paternal grandmother took on single motherhood…only after divorcing my grandfather when my dad and uncle were barely teens. I’ve seen a lot of good kids come from this family on both sides. I’ve seen some bad apples, too. Truth be told, my issue with “saying” I didn’t want a family had nothing to do with the supposed “cycle” of single motherhood. It didn’t come from my fear of not being able to be a good mom. It came from the fear of not being able to have any. I just always wondered when I’d get a chance to be a mom and it’s never been an option. At 36, its decreasing with the hours and I just decided to find my “maternal instincts” in the beauty of being a godmom.

Syre…my little prince. He’ll be 2 on May 12th. In 2007, he was born prematurely by 2 months. He fought for his life. Two surgeries and almost 5 months later, he came home. While he was hospitalized, a really nice lady online informed me that his name meant; “Oxygen; breath of life”. How befitting, right? I didn’t get to see him much. Just a few times…all because they lived in Washington, DC…too far for anyone to travel at the time. Then, January 12th…I went down to sit for him. Two months in DC with the baby who is becoming a little boy. Yet…helping his mom out, turned out to be more for me. I came home once for an appointment, returning on the 12th of February…my sister’s birthday. I stayed until March 16th. At first, I thought…I’m never having kids. He wore me out. Now, that I’m home…I miss him like crazy…but not as much as I miss the family I never had.

I hear my girls talk about their kids. I have people from Facebook ask, “Do you have kids, Kali?”. I see babies and children with their parents and marvel at their bonds. I see little kids who don’t have a mom…or a dad…and I wonder, why? I wonder why people are given the chance to procreate and then don’t want to stick around for the process of life…but, people who can’t have children have all this love to give and no children to give it to.

Yea, I know thats the way life goes. There’s not real rhyme or reason to it…not one that mere mortals can impart. How it is, is how it will be until there is no more. It doesn’t keep me from longing or missing what wasn’t. It doesn’t keep me from wanting to hear a little boy or girl call me “mommy”. The desire to have my child’s face light up at the accomplishment of learning the smallest thing isn’t quieted. SO…Whoever said you never miss what you never had…didn’t know a damn thing…and clearly had everything.

Mother?…F_ck HER!!

I have a damn problem…I have a GOTdamn problem with certain “mothers”. A friend of mine was incensed by something she found out. A close friend of the family, whom she considers a nephew had been molested for 2 years by a family member…and the kicker? His mother knew and did NOTHING! She PROTECTED this fool. Now, I could go into the details of this story…but, my focus is not on the fact that this young man just outed himself as gay…but that his mother is a complete and total asshole.

I need to know…because I’m confused. I am bewildered at the idea that a mother could find out her child was being sexually abused and not do anything. Now, I already know what a lot of folks are gonna say. Circumstances make all the difference right? Like if a woman’s self esteem has been affected to the degree that she needs a man so badly…she’ll protect him when he hurts her or her child. Or that, a family member’s image (or her own) is so important she’d allow her child to be molested over and over…learning the behavior of an abuser, only to either fall victim to the behavior or possibly inflicting abuse onto another child. Oh, how about the fact that it’s been done to them before, so they don’t know any better. Well, before we go any further I will say…to my knowledge I’ve never been abused. I’ve never been raped. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…FUCK THAT! I have children in my family…and I know children who belong to my friends. I have a godson who is 20 months old. If someone were to harm a child “I” know…I’d be a cops-calling, bat-wielding, penile/vajayjay maiming maniac. I’m not protecting ANYONE but the child. That heffa even had the nerve to blame his father for not being there…even though his absence was because SHE didn’t tell him he had a son. Does anyone have a buck? It needs passing…

This is a sickness. It’s as rampant as the AIDS virus and as common as the cold. All to often I hear of kids being raped of their innocence and their rights to be protected. I got so emotional today, because even though the boy in this case is now a young man…he’s still a victim. This will follow him always. He will always remember being taken by a man and not having the chance to BE a man. He will always remember that his mother protected an adult rapist…instead of her young child. He may never understand that his “homosexuality” may be in part to his abuse and not simply “being born” that way. I pray for his psychological self. His spiritual well being and his ability to separate the heinous act thrust upon him from an act of love. I also pray for his mother. That she’ll be able to live with herself after this knowing that she failed…miserably. I also pray that someone comes forward and sends her AND that rapist’s ass to jail…perhaps, they will be “protected” in the system and wont have to be a victim of their own victimization.

Toddlers and Tiaras? WTF?

So…I see a commercial about an upcoming reality series called “Toddlers and Tiaras” on TLC. Documentation of parents and their children who participate in pageants. Now, beside the damn obvious…what is WRONG with this picture? Haven’t these people seen or heard of Jon Benet Ramsey? Do you think that child is dead on accident? *rolling eyes* In this day and age of the molester…I would NOT put make up on my child and strut her across a stage looking like a miniature woman! I believe wholeheartedly that Jon Benet’s death is a direct result of her being involved in those pageants…even if all it did was perpetuate an “attraction” if you will…to her young self, that eventually ended in her death.

WHAT is to be gained by putting your child on display as young as 2yrs old? Dolled up and coached to pose, dance and speak like an adult. I’m in NO way comparing children to pets, but shit…yea, I am. LMAO. I hate when people dress their dogs up and groom them to look like camels and buffalo. (Check these pics) Curvy Queen showed me that and I fell out laughing…before I got MAD! Helpless animals being played with and used as entertainment piss me off. I doubt if a dog’s thoughts could be read, you’d see “Dress me up like a bitch with pearls, a pleated skirt, polo shirt and pink sneakers on all paws” uh…no. So, I see this is a very similar situation. Dressing up kids who have no control or say over what they do…like grown ass folks, encouraged to play into an ALREADY skewed societal view of women.

Anyway…I’m done ranting. What yall think about this?