Why Do We Do That?

Why do we self delude?

You know…tell ourselves certain things knowing that we’re just trying to cope or fight against the truth?
“He loves me, but he’s just got issues”…well, don’t we ALL? Is it really an excuse for someone to mistreat you? What does it say about folks…male and female…that they’ll stick it out with a loser? “I’m just being a supportive mate” or “I love them for who they are…”…word? Even if that person is selfish and doesn’t give a damn about YOU? I want to know why WE do that? And the “we” is just referring to those of us who can admit that we’ve done it. The fact that “we’ve” made excuses for someone’s blatant disinterest and disregard.
Why do we torture ourselves?
You know…beat ourselves up for all the mistakes we’ve made, for the people we’ve trusted and the relationships we’ve lost. Again…we, is in reference to those who have experienced this. I had to realize one day…that if I could say that I gave my all…if I could say that I’d been honest about my wants and needs…that I’d worked on myself in the process…then I’d done well. Therefore I could relax and stop back punting my own ass. I’m not responsible for anyone but me…period.
Why do we create rules for ourselves in order to avoid pain? (Joy, this ones for you you, sis) LOL
You know…we say we’ll NEVER do this…or we’ll NEVER think of doing that thing we did when we were blind-sided the first time which is usually something we don’t even remotely remember doing in the first place. We say we’ll ONLY do this one thing (like date and have fun) and NEVER be accessible for emotional attachment (while secretly yearning for the one to do the total opposite of our never ending never rules). OY VEY…why does it have to be so complicated?
Why do we do that? Why do we allow mediocrity to overrun us and seep in creating doubt in our spirits? Why do we look at being alone as some death sentence? For the record…being single is not REALLY being alone…it’s not having a steady person to be with. There is STILL fun, happiness and life in not having a mate. Yet, if we’re single because we’re trying to avoid pain…that is when we’ve begun to do that thing that will eventually lead to the question…Why do I do this?

“We” probably already know the answer.

*read me*

I have heard people say so often, “I don’t tell my business”. Trust me, I get the “principle” of the thing. I think that nowadays, being on the Internet where we tend to blast/status/tweet every thought that forms a ball in our subconscious…has become the norm. We don’t respect our intimate business and lives. We’ve become voyeuristic…loving the lives of others through scopes and cams and vids and pics and…well, you get it…we talk too damn much. I get that EVERYTHING isn’t for public consumption. Your relationship with your man/chick? Not my business! Your financial portfolio? Nope, don’t care. The baby daddy/mama drama, sexual preference/quantity of partners, addictions/vices…don’t have anything to do with me…

…yet, a question looms. What is our purpose on this earth spiritually? Are we meant to lead such individual lives that we feel compelled at all times to be self-contained? Are we not to be a threaded community of spirits, influencing each other…perpetuating growth and cohesiveness? Are we not our brothers’ keepers?

So, that brings me to the conclusion that “our business” is really GOD’S business. Your triumphs and fails are testimony to His will…I mean if you believe in God in the first place. I even believe that if you DON’T believe in God that you still could believe in positivity and affecting others through sharing parts of yourself for the ability to relate. Isn’t the point of being in relationships, whether spousal, familial or friend…to be vulnerable, build trust and be loyally supportive? To gain wisdom and understanding conducive to the evolution of our humankind?

It’s okay to be an open book…well as long as it’s a positive read. Just because people are open books doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. Some folks SHOULD keep some things to themselves. If your content is trashy, flashy and the furthest from classy…shut the book. LOL I’m sure that those are bestsellers…the ones that people flock to read and beg for more…but, that just makes you entertainment, nothing more. Your truest self is lost on an audience only consumed with your highs and lows aka drama. YET, if your content is positive and strikes to the core…even if only a few read it, those are a few more people on this earth affected in a good way. Inspiration at it’s finest.

Just thought I’d stop in and say hi 🙂

Crime: Time Framed

I am 37yrs old. The statistics on my romantic life are pretty simple. I look back in retrospect and realize the the times I thought I was IN LOVE…were infatuations, misguided companionship or friendship gone wrong. I still wonder if I’ve ever truly been IN LOVE. I’ve had one major relationship (this includes physical meeting, sex, monogamy and including but not necessarily co-habitation). In spite of feelings I’ve felt…a true relationship is not all inclusive without physical consummation. And, though I have fallen a few times since…I can say that those were just trips with a little knee scraping. So, again…the depth of love I’ve experienced is still being measured…just like time.
Over time…I have wondered exactly WHEN it was that I realized things. It took me to get out of those entanglements…sometimes years after…to realize my “love” was heavy like, lust or friendship. Then I wondered…when in it…how long DOES it actually take before you “know” that you’ve found something special?

My girl and I were IM’ing one evening and she mentioned something about how she and her dude would be discussing their relationship’s future soon. I guess because they are approaching several months to a year and she feels now is the time to discuss the direction of their relationship. I agree with her thinking. We are NOT in high school anymore. Us 30-40 somethings taking years to decide whether we’re serious about someone or not…need to get it together. It doesn’t take all of that. By now, we have a pretty good idea as to what we need, want, don’t need and don’t want. So, why all the time passed? Why make someone waste years of their life all so you can selfishly hang on to them while “figuring it out”. And for the record…when folks (male or female) want someone…they make themselves accessible or they GO for it. People who want you…WANT to be with/near you.

Is it really worth it to drag out connections to supplement gaps in your life? Is it really worth it to bide time in a delusional facade of a “relationship” to be able to say you’re not alone? At what point in the frame of time you’re with someone…do you ask, wonder or realize that you’re not in the relationship you deserve to be in?

I guess the penalty for committing time frame violation…is MORE time being miserable.

Thanks Fantasia

Well, as I’d written in a previous blog…I lost my paternal grandmother. This blog…I guess, is just a way to say, “I’m okay” and touch base with you all.

This song, debuted itself the night my grandmother died and I tell you…everytime I hear it I am crying by song’s end. Honestly…it’s one of the best songs I’ve heard Fantasia sing. She usually screams through songs…so this softly sung ballad is a refreshing joy.

“First step, take a deep breath…you don’t need a reason why. You can (You can) take, take time…you can (you can) walk…run…dive.”

I’m stepping back into life gingerly. Going to work and functioning. Talking and laughing with people, at shows, singing and smiling with music. Trying to find my way back to poetry and writing. What I DO regret (now that I think of it) is not allowing my grandmother to see the poetic part of me. It never dawned on me to show her. I wasn’t hiding it or anything…but, I never brought that stuff up. We’d talk and laugh and swap stories when I called her…but, I don’t think we ever discussed my love of writing. I hope she can see it now.

The wake and funeral services were beautiful. People of course said beautiful things…but they also said REAL things. Some called my grandmother “bossy” *giggling*…and that she COULD be. Some referred to her as the Queen…which I never knew. Funny that is what people call me now. Her love of her family and community was honored…especially the way she treated everyone like they were important. She’d make you feel so special. Never would she even outwardly display a dislike for you…even if she didn’t. She still showed you respect and concern…she just kept her eye on you. LOL

There was a gathering of a medley of people who loved her. So many felt our loss. I mean, the pastor of the church, rented out the first floor of our family house. After attending church became difficult (because of my great uncle’s care)…her pastor would come upstairs from his own apartment and have private bible studies with her. How special WAS she? *beaming*

Anyway…thanks, Fantasia. There’s a song that evokes the deepest of emotions about my grandmother. From now on…it’ll serve as a trigger to my memories (as if I really need one)…yet, it will bring about a positive sense of coping that I need to get through.


Baby Kween


I’ve got to blog this out before I implode…picture to come later…

Yesterday on March 2nd, 2010, between 1 and 2pm…my paternal grandmother, Josephine…died.

To say I’m devastated to my core, is an understatement. To say that my heart and soul physically aches…is speaking lightly. Yes, she was my favorite person in the world. I love my mom and dad…yet, the truth is that growing up…when their relationship was unstable and I felt lost as a child…she was an anchor. I learned love…how to love, how to receive love, how to be a lady and how to be cherished. I got that from my grandmother, who never let a day pass when we were together without saying, “I love you”.

She called me Baby Love…among other names throughout my childhood. (I will not share them just so you all can laugh at me, lol). I have some GREAT memories of my grandmother. I learned to love coffee because of her. She wouldn’t give me my OWN, but she’d give me a few sips here and there. (In her beer drinking days…I’d steal sips of her Miller) LMAO

Her and my mom’s oatmeal run neck in neck. Perfect consistency with applesauce and every now and again…raisins. She ALWAYS had cake mix and on demand would make one for me. She had the private stash of Krasdale sodas (what you know about that?) and indulged my love of novelty cereals. I was telling my girl, Joy…that my grandmother would prepare a picnic for my friends and I. We lived in the projects in Mt. Vernon, NY…in an era where it was perfectly fine for your kids to play and be safe. My grandma would make me Kool-Aid (the red flavor) and put it in a jar. Make PB&J’s cut into fours, give us carrot and celery sticks, Twinkies and pop-tarts…all to sit under her window on a blanket behind the benches. She’d watch as we had a blanket party and played with our dolls.

She was the only person I knew for the longest who made scratch rolls, that were so good…she had requests throughout the buildings for them. She made her spaghetti and meatballs with her own homemade sauce and she kept Parmesan cheese because I wouldn’t eat it without it. She was the beginning of my love of cooking.

My grandmother was my best friend. She was understanding and nurturing. She’d give me the truth, but she’d also support my decisions. When I was in a relationship no one else agreed with, she supported me and embraced my ex. To this day, he loved her dearly…and she him. She’d always tell me when she saw him and spoke so sweetly of him. She knew that keeping me at arm’s length would only alienate me and she couldn’t keep an eye on me. Even at 37, she was constantly trying to give me money and considered me her baby.

Sadly, the stress and strain of trying to take care of her elderly uncle (who was more like a brother) took it’s toll. Her heart gave way to two attacks and her lungs to pneumonia. Severe dehydration and thickened blood made it hard for her frail frame to recuperate. I know she fought as much as she could…but, as she’d told me when we spoke the day before she went into ICU…she was tired.

One day, I wont cry until my chest heaves and my breath shortens. One day, I will think of her name and only smile instead of cry. One day, I will get through a night without tossing and turning. Today…I miss my grandmother like crazy. Today…I’m a baby girl without her precious grandmother.

I love you SO much, grandma. Be at peace. Be my angel.

Love, your Baby Love.