The Twelfth Day…

perfect I shoulda never met’cho ass face. lol

…a day you wish you could do differently

I don’t think I can narrow it down to one day. There are several…bare with me as I finger through the pages of my mistakes.

~ I wish I could’ve stayed in school…

~ I wish I’d waited to lose my virginity…

~ I vacillate between whether or not I should’ve left home at 21 with my ex. I learned so much and have become who I am in part to that experience…but, I wonder if I should’ve stayed home.

~ I shouldn’t have deleted my ex-friend. I probably should’ve backed away and not given in to my hurt and anger.

~ Probably should’ve left that last relationship SOONER. Won’t say I wish he never came into my life, but I could’ve exited a little earlier into the fuckery…

I don’t regret much…and honestly I can’t say I regret ALL of the above actions. I believe I wonder more so, what could’ve happened “had I done things differently”. I am certain that each event led to a lesson learned that has benefited me spiritually.

I think it’s the politically correct (and egotistical) response to say, “I regret nothing”. There’s at least ONE thing we wished didn’t happen to us and would have loved to have missed us when struggle and hardship was being passed out. There’s a difference between feeling blessed PAST the struggle and feeling impervious to human frailty…such as regret and bittersweet nostalgia.

Hey, it’s my opinion. If you think you can live this life without a tinge of regret tickling your memory…so be it. Glad for ya.

I’m out y’all…see you on Day 13.

Billy the Bully

You all know or knew Billy…the bully. Remember that kid. He was bigger than everyone in his class and his shirt didn’t cover his stomach anymore than his pants covered his ass? His parents couldn’t afford the fly shit, so dude walked around beating the crap out of kids who were dressed better? His ass would come through and smack the shit out of you just because you had a name. “What’s your name?” You’d shudder and reply, “Lenny…”.  :::SMACK::: “That’s a STUPID name!”. 

Yea…you remember him. All jokes aside, Billy was troubled then, and if he didn’t get the snot whooped out of him or someone didn’t blast his crazy ass…he’s somewhere looking like the adult version of his grade school persona. Still knocking over people in the attempt to exact some control in his life. If some woman felt sorry enough, she married him or had a few of his spawn and he’s smacking them around for just being.

I am STILL not joking…

This is what happens to a lot of bullies. Misery becomes his best friend like Linus’ blanket. He drags it everywhere he goes. Chances are…Billy Jr., Billimina and Billisha…are bullies, too. Dad has made life hell at home, so they’ve grown accustomed to exacting control on the school yard…OR the Internet. 

When I did an online talk show a couple of years ago…the producer had a PSA from the Ad Council.  Some little chick “ding-dongs” on her friend’s bell, waltzes in as she greets the mother…and as SOON as she rolls up on her “friend”, she goes IN. She goes from telling her that her dress makes her look like a clown, to her breath smelling like garbage, to her disclosing the fact that the REASON they know it smells like garbage is because the boy she kissed says so. I mean REALLY? I would’ve beat her ass on MY living room floor. As soon as the first words exited her mouth, Megan or Judy or whatever her name was would’ve been swallowing those words whole. The motto?  “Cyber-bullying…if you wouldn’t do it in real life…don’t do it online.”. I would always follow it up with, “Why do it at all?”.

Secret: “I” was “Billy”… 

I remember being a mean child. I was feeling some kinda way about mom, or the new baby, or dad, or whatever…and I’d go to school and slug upon some unsuspecting children. My mother even walked up on me in the middle of me doing a “Sluggo” on some poor girl.  I got spanked…I think. Either way, some years down the road…I traded in my bully fits for a new outfit. I donned a cape and a “U” on my chest. “Underdog Girl”. I wouldn’t bother anyone and I wouldn’t fight if approached…well, if they hit me it was on…but, I let people talk themselves blue, while inwardly DARING them to hit me. YET, if someone picked on a friend of mine…I was ON it! To this day, I don’t take kindly to someone just going in on someone who not only didn’t ask for it…but isn’t willing to speak up. I got a lot of respect for being that one to do that FOR them. I didn’t NEED the respect….but, yea…I made sure no one took me for light and that no one beat up on weaker folks when I was around. To this day, I’m fiercely protective of anyone who I love…and some who I don’t even know.

I wonder what happened though…

I wonder what happened to the little girl I beat up in kindergarten for nothing…

The child in the bathroom stall who I believe I was jealous of because she had on the prettiest outfit, the perfectly braided ponytails and cute glasses (which I believe I broke) ~sigh~…

The little girl who got cornered in the PJ’s hallway by myself and a friend…

God forgive me…I’m probably suffering behind that mess right NOW. *lmao*

Seriously…this blog came about because my sister Almond Joy aka Butterfly Effect posted about a young man named Tyler Clementi, who committed suicide. This young man jumped off the George Washington Bridge, because his roommate shared his homosexual escapades on Twitter via live cam links. WHY would that guy do that? Why would he expose that young man’s lifestyle like that? Why do people feel the need to “tower above” people with such disrespectful and hurtful things? All I know is that a young man is dead because of it. He didn’t feel he could tell a soul of his shame…so he decided his life had no value. NOW, the young man who revealed his secret has to live with this in HIS life. What a sentence.

Parents and adults need to…HAVE to do better. No, I’m not a parent, but damn it, I was a child once…and I know what happens when it’s not nipped in the bud. My mother nipped it in the bud. Children are our little reflectors. Children emulate what is shown to them. They have a distinct idea of us…and they personify it in the scariest ways. You’d be surprised how your little one views you. If we perpetuate rudeness, violence, dysfunction and hate…our children will mirror that. If we don’t cut it out in the early years, by the time grade school is out…they’re who they’re going to be until something traumatic evokes change in them. By then, they’re solely responsible for their own souls and actions. There’s got to be a resolution. The village is divided and in disarray. The home is not a haven anymore. The schools are glorified meeting places. It is imperative that the the village get rebuilt…and that the home be a safe place to be. Otherwise, our children will become bullies…or victims of bullies.

I am sorry to those children I hurt. I pray that their lives weren’t affected too adversely by any actions of mine. I accept my karma…I pray that I’ve protected enough people to bring balance. That is a sincere apology…and they probably will never see it.

My prayers go out to the Clementi family…and to all the families who have experienced similar losses.

Chicks, Butterflies and Hamsters

So, who HASN’T been on Facebook yet? It’s the DEBIL I tell ya…lol. I got this page a over a year ago at the urgency of my friend, Tish. She swore it was so much fun…but, I hated that I had to ok apps left and right and that I couldn’t do more with the page. So basic…*sigh*. Fast forward to a few months back, my family begins filing in…starting with my cousins in college. Next thing I know most of my immediate family and closest friends are on my page. THEN comes the elementary and high school folk. Well, just a few days ago…a friend found me there and within a 36hr period of accepting her request, she posts a class picture from our 6th grade class. Now, we were in “the smart class”. It was called IH (Intermediate Humanities). We experienced a few things that most didn’t. We incubated eggs and got baby chicks in 21 days. We were then given the opportunity to take a chick home over night, but that was a special privilege for the ones who earned it (I took home a lil yellow one). We also got to feed larvae, watch it morph into a caterpillar and eventually cocoon into a butterfly. Releasing them was bittersweet. I wanted to keep mine…but, of course they must fly. We had a pet hamster as well…CP (Class Pet). HE was fawned over until he had see through babies. LOL I remember how a few of the girls and I drew in a sketch book and created stories.

I remember how, Mrs. Brown our teacher (my favorite) would allow a few of us to “stay up” for lunch in the empty classroom. We had a huge class on the 3rd floor adjacent to the music class…and we had a stage. I remember dancing and singing on that stage with the girls, doing Michael Jackson’s latest steps.

I had such great memories attached to these people. One guy, Mike Phillips…told me today that he thought I was sooo sexy, because he loved the way I carried myself in my pics. Unafraid to let people see who I really was (instead of posting old ass pics) LMAO. Mike was the kid who kept his instrument…a sax with him 24/7. He had a crush on me in elementary…which must have been LOVE…cuz he beat me up after an altercation in class. LOL. He got amnesia and “didn’t recall” whooping my ass…but, that niggum shut my eye. (I think I embarrassed him). Oh, Mike went on to sign with Hidden Beach Records and has played alongside such artists as Jill Scott and Prince. I am so proud of him…his dedication to his sax, something a lot like Lisa Simpson’s…has paid off and he’s living his musical dream. Good for you, Mike!

I also found my friend Renee’, who as we were leaving high school had fallen ill with renal failure. She was my ROLL DAWG! Circumstances moved us apart and in spite of several attempts to contact her…we drifted. I dreamed of her often, wondering…praying that she’d recovered. Finding her was indeed a blessing. She’d lost so much weight and was barely recognizable…except for that smile. Wide and strong…that smile hasn’t changed.

…There is a down side to these reunions. Within the last few months…a young woman from that class picture up there died. Rachel Mack had leukemia and succumbed recently. Finding that out was heartbreaking. I remember us kids going to Rachel’s house for lunch, which was only 2 blocks away from the school. She and I used to compete for who had the best penmanship…I won. LOL What’s so weird is that I’d dreamed of her as well a few times in this past year. Almost in excess…which of course further freaked me out. She was in every class I was in from K to 6.

Rachel…rest in peace, girl. I remember you well. God bless your spirit and your family’s, too. Like the butterflies…I pray your soul flies high.