I don’t know y’all…this truth thing is getting serious. I don’t know how anyone can do this and not be raw dog honest. Maybe that speaks to who I am as a person (Thank God for His influence)…but, I can’t just say that I’ll tell the truth and then tiddlywink this challenge. So, I inhale and exhale as I form the courage to speak from the heart…
When I was with my ex of 8 1/2yrs…it didn’t take me long to forgive him for the hell he inflicted. He was an addict and having come from an addicted dad…I understood the disease. The forgiveness came from a place of understanding. I understood that he wasn’t lucid. He wasn’t always responsible for his own behavior due to being under the influence.
What’s the excuse for someone seemingly sober? I say seemingly, because I never laid eyes on him. I don’t know if he was an alcoholic or a drug addict or a sex addict or addicted to lie-telling. All I know is that I spent almost 3yrs waiting for him to make a move he never had intentions on making. Sure, he’ll say he did…but, actions are the definition of love…not words. Affection…the act or state of affecting (a verb), influencing, giving a display of emotion. This dude lied about his “love” for me. He lied about the ring he sent, the love he claimed, the time he promised, the life we planned…and guess what? I’m okay with that. I’m over the concept of being is woman, needing his love, expecting his presence.
I’m not quite sure I’ve forgiven him for the senselessness in which his lies were rooted. I always say, “We could’ve remained friends…” but, I know that friends don’t do what he did. Friends don’t pretend to love you and then play you against other women behind your back. Friends don’t DO what they’re doing…and then turn around and TRY to make you feel like it’s your “crazy” mind and not his crazy lies. I’m having a hard time with that one. Knowing what was going on in spite of his denial of such…was my comfort. To have him often accuse me of being “insecure” and “needing tangibility” (um…what the fuck? Yea…dude…you live in Alabama. I live in New York…damn right I want some tangibility. Were we going to get married via phone? Send our specimens to the lab and have test tube babies and mail them to and fro? Live in an e-home, take e-vacations and have e-sex?) was often a slap in my face.
Yea…just thinking about that stuff makes me shake my head. I don’t even hate him. I really don’t. There’s a space of love for him within my heart…right along side other humans I care for. I just wonder how a person could tell such intent and disruptive lies and smile in public like it’s okay. How can you dismantle someone’s heart and without conscience…turn around and try and convince them it’s their own fault? That seems cruel to me…which is something I’ll never wrap my mind around.
I’m almost there…but on a rough day, I feel like kicking the proverbial door in on someone’s life and exposing the truth of what he’s done.
Most days…I’m just fine. EVERY day, I’m better off without him.
I can honestly say that I tend to forgive myself for the very things I forgive others for. Sometimes it’s a lapse of judgment or memory. Sometimes it’s a selfish act that brings about immediate regret and sometimes it’s just not knowing any better.
Yet, there is one thing I have to forgive myself for that I tend to kick myself in the ass about. To date it’s the worst crime of all, because it’s part sin and equal hypocrisy. *hanging head in shame*
…I had an emotional affair with a married man.
For months, we talked, bonded and became dependent on each other for the emotional support we didn’t feel anyone else was giving us. It started out as a friendship…and snowballed into loving moments that eventually resulted in us meeting. We were intensely attracted to one another…but something was wedged between us that wouldn’t allow us to go any further. I’m thankful for that “intervention” because I know that I would have NEVER forgiven myself if that would’ve happened.
I ended things. Mostly because I seriously couldn’t live with myself. I couldn’t sleep. It haunted me. I’m such a believer in love and marriage and family…and here I was…”Ms. Kween of Love”…betraying the very thing I yearned for. That alone…was reason for me to get it together. How…HOW could I ask God to give me a dutiful and faithful husband, while I was doing “THIS”. No way. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t how I live. My moment of weakness had allowed me to be consumed by something that was out of my character and I despised myself in my thoughts behind it. So I let it go…unfortunately, a couple of other friendships suffered in the middle of it all and I found myself (in my opinion) paying almost immediately for my sin.
Wow…what a truth. I hope everyone else is keeping it this real or my ass is gonna be the example of the challenge for how real NOT to be. lmao