Looking Back to Move Forward


It’s interesting that my current state of introspection coincides with the new year. For me, it has less to do with the actual chronological year as it does the series of events that have taken place up til now. This shit could’ve happened in the middle of summer and I’d be tapping my fingers and scratching my head.

I had a lot of fun in 2011 and a little pain. I honestly think I had more fun than pain.  It just so happens that the pain ended the year. No biggie…I’m made from strong stuff and therefore I am resilient. I’ve learned something that is hard for me…that some people don’t deserve entry into our lives. Persistence is not always persistence….but, annoying determination. Some people only persist for the challenge and not the actual desire to be close to you. I often forget that most people’s intentions are never as honest or forthcoming as my own. Lesson learned.

In this year…2011 brought healing to special people in my life. My cousin is almost 100% cancer-free and my sister~friend IS 100% cancer-free. I have others in my life that struggled with their health but I believe in prayer and miracles. I found out a friend of mine from high school succumbed to cancer a few years ago and I was heartbroken. I dreamed of her and another friend for years…often feeling something wasn’t right. One, I touched based with on Facebook a few years ago and her health has turned around tremendously…while the other, whom I could never find…passed without my even knowing…before I could see how life had treated her.

Rest In Peace, Autumn...

I’ve learned that sometimes my kindness IS weakness. I need to remember that while I’m mindlessly bonding and enjoying the people I meet…some people are simply figuring out what they can gain from me. I’ve got to keep my eyes as open as my heart is and in turn close my mind to some things. Yes, I said CLOSE MY MIND. I jokingly say to my sista Joy that I don’t think outside of the box because there IS NO box for me…but, perhaps I need to sit a little box nearby for the discarding of things…or perhaps as a treasure keeper…just to remind me of what’s at stake. What can be lost. Perhaps then…my perspective will be less abstract and more logical. Less optimistic and more opportunistic. I try to be of this world but not IN it…trying to keep myself from being swept up in the ideals and expectations of society…but, sometimes I’ve got to be honest with myself and acknowledge that there are many who do live that credo and therefore box me in whether I want to be or not. As an artist, I’m constantly fighting to be free to be me…but at times, that fight leaves me alienated.

Everything from how I think, to how I speak, to how I look…determines what’s drawn to me. The good and the bad. I can’t disregard what’s bad just because I’d rather see the good. There are times when assholes will filter in and it’s up to me to put up the force field of protection to keep them from embedding themselves into me like a parasite underneath the skin.

This year has been a blessing in so many ways. I bonded with someone that I didn’t expect in a million years. My girl Tei came out of nowhere and stole my friendship heart. She’s become an intricate piece of fabric in my chosen family quilt. I’ve got a handful of wonderful people in my life who have had my back throughout it all. Whether I speak to them everyday or not…they love me and give me their all. As my ex loved to say, “Fair exchange is no robbery”.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. I said recently to my mom that everyday…EVERY day that we wake up is a new year because we saw this day last year. 2012 is a new year for the calendars…but it’s just another day for me to get it right. For me to be closer to achieving the full circle lessons and being blessed to level up and be that much more on the right path to divine purpose.

God bless you all…I’ve loved you from the start…I’ll love you ’til the end.

Happy New Years!!!

Love, Thee Kween 🙂

Dia Viente y Nueve~ Something I Hope To Change About Myself…

…and why.
Not quite sure. There’s a lot of things that could use a little tweaking. In the beginning of this truth challenge…I mentioned my fear, but I do believe that I am learning to use that fear as a barometer for my decision making. I do think that I’m getting to a point in my life that anything that I thought was hard has become easier…not EASY, but easier.
I DO think I can work on my sensitivity. Not sure how to do it though. I want to be able to shake off hurts quicker. Who wants to be a gaping wound? I know I don’t. I wish that I could find the ability to be Rick James cold to some shit. I don’t want to be so “tender”.
Being a bleeding heart is a full time, exhausting and trying job. YES, it’s a job! A thankless one at that. I’m learning to curtail my desire to help EVERYONE. Some folks LIKE wallowing in dysfunction and being the whipping boy/girl. So many people love the attention that comes with being the victim and/or being the savior. I call it the “heroic victim syndrome”.  People who wear fragile capes of triumph, yet are always the ones who get hurt. I can’t imagine a life of never EVER being at fault. I try to be accountable for my place in every situation…even if it just means admitting that I did nothing in lieu of something. That’s another thing I need to work on. Discerning the act of quitting with the instinct of self-preservation. Sometimes you just have to jump ship instead of stagnantly floating amidst the debris.
So yea, those are some things I wanna work on…AM working on. Change is a core transformation. It’s a journey that begins with you and your higher power. It doesn’t happen overnight nor is it most successful when done out of expectation. REAL change is for you and shouldn’t have any roots in the need for outside validation. It is the essence of the butterfly…metamorphosis of the soul. I want to earn my wings. 🙂

MY New Year’s…

…began in the beginning of Spring.

I don’t need to wait until the clock strikes 12am, January 1st, 2011 for me to put some things into motion. If I waited all year for the New Year to chime in…JUST to change my life…that would be pretty damn dumb. I get what resolutions are about, but truth is…when things are deferred…it’s out of sight out of mind. Old habits cling to you like funk on an old trick. My ex, Ali told me once, “It takes 21 days to form a habit…and just as long to break it”. If I put myself in the habit of reconfiguring my thoughts, actions, spiritual disposition…then, I can slowly but surely morph into whom it is I strive to be.

What’s going down and NOT going down is as diverse as people are. Some shit will never make it across my threshold. For as long as I live, some signs don’t have to come in waves. One or two flags will get you dismissed. I’ve got many things that I’ve learned and am still learning, but I’ve got a pretty good idea as to what it is I will not have in my life.

My focus HAS to be on ME. I’ve been a caretaker for a very long time. To the detriment of my own spiritual and mental health, I’ve lent myself to a lot of people and situations that never deserved my ADD attention…let alone my full focus. I’ve learned and am STILL learning (the theme of life)…that people do exactly what they want. I’ve learned that no matter how tight you think you are with people or how much you love and thought you were loved…everyone is capable of choosing something or someone other than you. What motivates those choices isn’t my focus any longer…just the way I deal with it.

I hope the men are paying attention to THIS one in particular. I’ve had it. I’ll be 38, God willing on January 10th and I’m so very exhausted. I’d rather live in the woods with Bambi anem, eating twigs and berries…scratching my ass with my own hoof…than to deal with crap any longer. If you’re bored, in between make ups/break ups with the S/O, are looking for guiltless sex, but are using romance as the lure (I’d prefer you tell me I’m attractive and you wanna bed me. Will you get rejected? Who knows…but be a big boy about it) …if you’re looking to conquer the kween…whatsoever drives you aimlessly in my direction…DON’T! Pass me over. Don’t waste my time. I’ve been nice in the past…but, I WILL blast/blog/status your ass this go round. Why? Well, because if women stood up more to the bullshit…men would get away with much less. You will not roll up and claim to want to get to know me better and then say a week later on FB “in a relationship”. (Yea, I’m talking to you…) That shit didn’t happen overnight. Don’t play with people’s emotions…you may not like what you get in return.

I have always been the person that considers. I consider the FULL picture. I search the spectrum of scenarios before I make a move in any direction. That’s called CHESS. You wanna play checkers? Go to the park. I’m sure an old head will oblige you. I, on the other hand am not dealing in any penny ante games of cat and mouse, pride and prejudice, war and peace…etc. lol

Life snatched some rugs from up under me this year and though I’m strong…I’m a little worn. The Capricorn in me had me holding on with clenched fingertips to people and things. I can’t. It’s not in the cards. I used to call it quitting…now, I call it survival.

Unlike last year, I will not “claim” this year as mine. I said it would be all about me in 2010 and it wasn’t. It was all about loss. Well not ALL about loss. I lost relationships and I lost a huge part of my heart when my grandmother died. I found some cool people to add to my circle of trust. *channeling Meet The Fockers* LOL

Then again…perhaps it WAS about me. Maybe, God removed my proverbial bush to see where my heart was. I hope I passed, God. I tried. I prayed for my naysayers, I forgave, and I never denied You. I guess this year was about my walk with Him. 2010…10…it’s the number that follows 9. It’s the 1 and the cipher 0…1’s new beginning. Indeed, it was about me. Now let’s see if I can “master” 2011. (11 is a master number, since the 1 is repeated and strengthened). Yea, I’m into a little Numerology. Don’t judge me. lol

Happy New Year!