The Fifth Day…

wearing that ring…

…the day you first fell in love

I used to say that it was when I was four and fell in love w/my first. I’m gonna keep it real with you. So, here it goes…

When I first fell in love with the first wasn’t at 4. That was puppy love…a crush. I think I fell IN LOVE with him back then when he kissed me up against the wall in the middle of the night, while his hand was on my 11yr old boobs…

Nope, let me try again. I think I fell in love with him…when we were watching a movie in the dark with his sister and he reached around her for my booty…lol

Nah…okay, maybe it was when got on his knees between my legs and unsnapped my…wait, no.

Perhaps, it’s the day that I feel like we went from having sex to making love and he made me feel like a woman…no?

Damnit. Okay so maybe it was when he first sang to me. ~sigh~

Maybe it wasn’t him. Maybe it was the other guy. See…I’m thinking I had my first mixed with my first love. The fella I spoke of up there, was the first to kiss my lips, feel my hips and deflower me. He was the first to give me fuzzy feelings and the first to break my fragile teenage heart…but, the first time as an ADULT was probably in 2007.

In 2007 Mr. Mic had entered as a friend via the Nets. We talked a lot and I dug that. I wasn’t looking for love at all. I didn’t mind his conversation, but I was very aware that he was the object of a lot of ladies’ affection. He was charming, concerned and comical…and that’s valuable to women.

He’d sung to me, but that wasn’t it. He’d told me he loved me…and that wasn’t it. He’d cut off a lot of people, giving his time to me with undivided attention [for a time] and he called me everyday in the beginning. I think when I realized I’d fallen in love was when I found myself singing his music one day and smiling big. A song I had written a verse on. It probably was in early January of 2008 near my birthday.

It was an Internet love though. It didn’t manifest past these bits and bytes. Many asked what it was that made me love him…some even doubted that you could fall in love on the Internet. I say…if you can be with someone who mistreats you, cheats on you, lies to you…in your face, why can’t I fall in love, join spirits and share a heart…sight unseen? What makes your tangible, physical love more important than my ethereal love that brought me out of my shell, introduced me to people I love to this day and gave me a song in my heart for 2+ years? Who can replace that?

Nothing…

…and nobody

8~ Ownlee Eue

Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?

Nope.

Yep, it’s my opinion…but, nope.

Yes, I’ve been in love with one and loving the other…but, the in love part is reserved for the person who I believe invades my thoughts when the other person is in my space.

When I was “in love” with my ex of 8 1/2yrs…I realized part-way that I was still in love with my first. I didn’t get over the 1st until I’d shaken the feelings of the dude I was with for most of my 20’s. What I’ve learned is that in retrospect is when things become clearest. If I had to undoubtedly state whom I was in love with between the two…it would be the 1st love. Dude of 8 1/2yrs, was my first “real” relationship (where the conditions of our union were conducive to a standard relationship…ie. no hiding). He was the one who showed me responsibility, and not just love. He was in love with me…but, I was still holding onto the 1st.

This question connects to the previous question about having been deeply in love. I honestly feel that I loved Mr. 8.5 deeply…because that is how I love…deeply. I deeply love my friends and family. I said that to say…that when I love, it’s ALL in with me. I can’t half-ass love. One foot in this direction…the other in that one. Even when I realized WITHIN my relationships with Mr. 8.5 that I wasn’t in love with him (just his love for me) I still understood that I’d made a commitment and was there until I couldn’t be anymore.

Here’s an extra scenario. This is more honest than I’m even sure I SHOULD be…but here it goes. When I was with my ex, after I began realizing that he wasn’t faithful…I allowed myself to be emotionally drawn into an affair with someone married. He told me that he felt he was in love with his wife and me. I told him that I believed he was in love with the PARTS of me that his wife had either lost along the way…or never possessed. To that end…I think we’re in love with the tidbits of different lovers. I’m not quite sure that once we put them all together that there’s as much as a struggle as we think. I think we often get scared of the potential hurts and when given two people we care so much about, we hold onto those two people for emotional security. That married dude couldn’t have been in love with me AND his wife…no more than I was in love with him AND the man I was loving at the time. We were each other’s comfort when we were dissatisfied and found in one another the romanticized version of love.

Take my favorite Romantic movie…The Notebook. When Allie was reunited with her “true love”…she had already committed to marrying someone else. In the wake of believing that she and her true love had no chance…she opened herself up to someone new…and fell for him. When she saw her true boo again, all those feelings came flooding back, mixed with the anger of what she THOUGHT was abandonment and the reality that she’s still in love with him. Even when she broke off with her fiance…she said, “I already know I should be with you”. Not because he was “the one”, but because the relationship made the most sense on paper. It was the one her parents approved of and the one that helped her move past some of the hurt and disappointment of the first.

If we learned to let go of the past…we might find that some of these things would become more clear in the moment instead of needing hindsight to see where we were at one point in our lives. I wanna fine tune the NOW!

Okay…that was a lengthy explanation. I guess this one really strikes a chord. I’m done…whatever. Let’s Jam!!