Moments With Mahogany…and Chap…and Mama…lol


What it do, what it Do!! Alrighty…last night, I visited Mah’s 2nd show since returning to the Blogtalk arena. Her topic was “Love, Sex, Money and the drama behind it…”, where she correlated the way marriages/relationships affect money affairs…how sex is used (and it is) in love to get what you want…and drama.

I came with Butterfly Effect who made her appearance and then fluttered off to bed. Mah’s friends, Toshiko and Cocoa Carrington were in the building and the Mama came through, calling in to shut it down as usual. Later da Monstah and a few others came through, including DownSouthGaGirl. Mah asked me to call in so I did, which was cool.

One of the biggest things I do agree with the Mama on is that in a marriage a woman should hold her man down. PERIOD. Sex should never be denied, his ego should be stroked and she should definitely feel like in spite of being the one at home (if she does stay home), the wife should still feel valued and given control of the family and home’s affairs.

Then we headed off to Mr. Chap’s place over at the morning show site and had an after party, where the discussion continued. Somehow, Mama put me on the hot seat about boo-boo AKA SHIT and then farting, then farting during sex…then SQUIRTING! She decided to out me and say I’d never squirted based on my answer of no farting during sex. (still laughing at that) I was totally embarrassed, but it was all good. Then Mah, Mama and Chap roasted me good on a few rounds of “Gimme 5” which I sucked at. (blame it on the late night hour of 2am) LOL

I enjoyed myself with them. A good time was had and there was no question that we began winging it after a while. REAL fun is never scripted!

That’s Whats Up!

love n butterflies

wanna capture love
like the wings of a butterfly
captures light
need a gentle touch
like the fluttered wings
catch the height of flight
wanna breeze
need a breeze
be a breeze
of
love in the air…
wanna be
can i be
yes me
be
love’s
giving flair
wanna capture love
like the dew on flowers
reflect the light of night
see the heart of love
pulsing like the petals
whispering goodnight
be the sweet
honey sweet
love that is
meant for me
givingly
freely
a winged love’s retreat
wanna capture love
how about…
let love
gingerly
capture me
me alight on hand
the palm of a man
open for my wings to span
i wanna capture love
as it captures me
completely
two butterflies
meeting on a bud
sharing love

Writer’s Block…weighing down My Muse


Lately, I’ve been in a slump. I can write a blog speaking my immediate emotions or thoughts, but I cant seem to get right with the creative part of me. I have an erotic story that needs finishing. A format for my poetry book that needs completion. I need to finish the NOVEL I started writing 2yrs ago…and even a simple poem is taking me days instead of the minutes I usually churn them out in.

One moment, I had inspiration coming out of the ass…and now, I am not even inspired to thoroughly READ my own stuff. I have to figure out what’s weighing me down. What is it that is making me feel thwarted from my original writing goals. I have a lot on my mind. Some things are happy things. Pleasurable thought. Anticipation of good things to come. Some are burdening thoughts of daily chore. Issues that I’ve been dealing with for a LONG time. Some are just nagging chatterbox issues that surface from time to time. Probably little things that mean nothing but sometimes get front stage in my mind. I have got to prioritize. It is of the utmost importance that I start thinking of life on an urgent basis. To stop thinking that what I need will come to me or happen for me…just because I pray and go to God with my worries. I trust Him to bring me out…but faith without work…yea!

I think the key to things is letting a lot of things go that have no place in my life. Learning to really get a grip on what I WANT vs what I NEED! Thinking my life through and figuring out what is real and what is not. What is fantasy and delusions and what is concrete and substance. I have a lot to figure. I just do. I am praying that I am given the ability to see what it is that needs to get done and have the strength and fortitude to apply the results of my pondering. Peace!

OCD: Order or Disorder



Today’s show was about OCD. The disorder where people “obsess” over thoughts repeatedly, and express those concerns with “compulsions”…or excessive behavior. So, if you’re afraid of germs, you clean. If you’re concerned for safety, you obsess over if you’ve locked doors, turned off electrical appliances, etc. There are plenty of other degrees of OCD and their are places to find more info.

I found out a lot about the disorder and deduced that yes, I probably have mild to moderate OCD. I am no psychologist, but if I compare the list of symptoms with the things that go through my head, then yep…ya girl is a lil OCD. LOL

Anyway, today Ebony and I did the show alone. I scheduled almost KNOWING Chap wouldn’t show up. We’d talked yesterday about how he wanted for me to be more gung ho where the show was concerned. Just to basically be prepared at times to kick off the show without him. I don’t like to, because I just feel we all should be there, but I also feel that there are times the show just need to go on. Ebony and I did a great job…we’ve done it before, but it had just been a while. I was a little nervous at times, but that will probably always be. Its a fear of mine to be publicly speaking and the center of attention. All in all a good show. Chap did manage to call in at the last minute. Talking out our damn game time! LMAO

Now, I am going to go research phobias and addiction (thanks Eb, for bringing those up) along with another future show topic: Superstitions! Wooo this ought to be fun!

Later!

KASEY ROCKS!!!!



Ok, this is PURELY a kudos blog to my niece Kasey!

Yesterday she graduated 5th grade and with HONORS! She know the president yall…ok, maybe she don’t KNOW that fool…but, she received a letter and pin from that asshole. If there’s nothing else he could do, it would be for him to make some really deserving children of the country feel appreciated for excelling and working hard all year.

This was not the only highlight of her day. She put on her dress and her shoes and walked out the house all bootyful and what not…but, she FELT it…and that’s the beauty in her beauty. That she recognized it. It is hard enough to get young girls at the tender age of 11 where they’re impressionable and susceptible to the pressure of fitting in, to see their worth…but, try telling that to our model-esque Kasey and you’d understand. She even got her ears pierced to top off the feeling she was having.

I’ve never laid eyes on her. Yet, to me, she’s a rare bird. One of those beautiful full-winged birds whose wingspan is record-breaking and whose stature dwarfs normal-sized birdies. Yet, who has the sweetest spirits and at the same time wields a mean peck when fucked with. One who can sing the prettiest birdsong and then can bust ya eardrums with a sorrowful wail. She’s our beautiful swan…the difference with her and normal swans…is she was never an ugly duckling. She’s a rare bird b/c she’s been beautiful and full-grown since birth. I cant wait to meet her.

Grow UP!! PLEASE!

I swear. Everyday that I am on this Internet, I see more and more bullshit. I promise you, there are MORE children disguised as adults than there are children in this world. Everyone is always playing the Lame Ass Internet Kid role. For instance: I know plenty of people who do the whole “I’m gonna blast you in my blast” thing on 360. Its lame. I don’t do it, but I again, I am NOT in the bizness of telling folk how to run their page.

What bothers me is not that people do it…its WHY people do it. A lot of people do it because they don’t know how to say what they need TO the person to whom they’re referring to. If I haven’t figured out how to say it to someone personally (in person, over the phone, email, or IM)then I will NOT be sharing it with all of 360 to view and pontificate on. One of the things that pisses me off is people’s lack of understanding and compassion for each other. A person will see something they don’t like, or something they feel is addressed to them and instead of asking or saying their peace, they’ll assume and begin acting funny. Or people will come to their conclusions and allow bitterness brought about from past experiences to cloud their ability to accept human frailty and be forgiving. I have seen in the past year…WAY too many people who WANT and desire a certain kind of consideration and respect, but fall short of doling out those very same sentiments to others. People who forget that in order to be considered you must first consider. No one owes you a damn thing, and unless you’re somewhere in this world giving those things…don’t expect to be on the receiving end.

I am SICK of these crybabies. I am sick of people taking the beautiful things and people for granted. I am sick of having to worry about whose real and whose just a fair weather friend. At 35, I thought I’d have a better grasp on my friend’s list by now…but I see that even “I” have some cultivating to do! So, if you have a beef or concern with a person…be an adult. Sit that person down and talk it through and agree to respectfully resolve it one way or the other. All this open season on people’s characters are so stupid and immature and speak volumes as to who you are. No one can ever say that my blast is about them…or that I blogged them. For one, my life doesn’t revolve around others and their behaviors. I refuse to give someone the satisfaction of having me speak on them all the time and see that they matter if they really don’t. And if they DON’T matter…well, shit…stop blasting and blogging them. Let them go about their merry little way and lead a trite existence.


Peace

Some Call It Love


Sitting here thinking about love. I often contemplate on what love is…when do we know we’re really in love. Opposed to lust, heavy like, intense infatuation or just plain neediness and desperation. Or being obsessed with almost, with the idea of being in a relationship. So, I always question the depths and nature of love. Always wanting to understand what it is people think is love and how they express it.

I had a 1st love. Shawn was my neighbor. He was a shade darker than me. Hazel eyes. Dimples. Keen features. Nice body and a had an even nicer mind. He and I both excelled in grade school. Entering Humanities classes and being above average. We loved music and we we’re quite the jokers. We watched movies together, chilled and talked and as we became adolescents and then young adults, we shared a lot of mutual friends. A lot of folks we knew thought we were siblings…because we grew up calling one another brother and sister. Shawn never wanted to claim me though. He never wanted to admit that he liked me, let alone tell people that we were seeing each other. So of course, we were a secret which meant we saw other people as well. Wasn’t a good look…so after a while, as maturity set in I opted out to go on my own @ age 20.

The next relationship was built out of need and rebellion. I spent almost 9yrs in that. Since then, I’ve fallen for a few people…realizing after a while that I wasn’t in love. That I was merely in love with ideas…concepts…illusions…maybe even LOVE!

Now, here I am. In love again. Wondering if it indeed is true. If I am in love with this person’s personality and positive traits…and not just the idea that there is someone who loves me. I’ve been praying to God to guide me through this situation and make me aware of the things I need to see. I am learning everyday not to put too much stock into the opinions of others, as well. Too many people dont agree with Internet Romance. Deeming it the result of desperate individuals who cannot find love in the real brick and mortar world.

All I ask of God is to allow me the ability to see this for what it is…and I ask of myself the ability to grow from this experience…and bring me that much closer to love.

B.L.O.G. ~ Blurbing Lots Of Gripes


I belong to a few sites…this being one of probably 5. Myspace is EVERYONE’S space…360’s circle is becoming halved by all the glitches, and Multiply is dividing. LOL

I have a couple other sites that I joined for the sake of friends invitations but, I barely visit those anymore. I’ve also become SO bored with the inability to truly speak your mind without it being the cause for sensation and drama. The point of blogs/journals are to allow you to speak your peace/piece and get things off your chest about your day. Your life (however much or less you choose to share) and just your gripes, accomplishments, woes and wows. To have anyone try and censor that, judge your views or make you feel low for your expressions is the end of freedom of speech. I guess, too…that even freedom of speech isn’t FREE. You pay the price for speaking your mind. Judgment, blackballing, accusations of self-righteousness, betrayal, etc…make for big rent on these sites.

I am a do-gooder. I make friends for one reason or another…usually, I am there as a support system. I also have friends who are there and support ME as well. I hate to see people getting the shaft, short end of the stick or being branded as an underdog. It just MIGHT be a disease. LOL…needing to help. Mediate. Soothe. Empathize. Always trying to make the unloved feel loved and the doubted feel vindicated. Yet, sometimes…I end up finding myself in situations where I regret caring. Giving a damn is overrated. I also am going to admit something. *drum roll please* I AM A CONTROL FREAK! LOL (well sort of). I don’t really try to make people do what they don’t. People are free to behave and be however they so choose. If a person says they don’t want to be my friend, lover,etc…I will respect their wishes. If a person chooses to feel or see things a certain way, I wave my hand in concession and keep it moving. The only time I fight tooth and nail, is when a person is making assumptions about MY character. I wont allow anyone to disparage me. PERIOD. I’ve had enough of being told throughout my life what I am NOT. No more. I am at the age (35) where I am who I am for the most part. Either love me or leave me alone. I guess its just that if I see bitter, I try to give them sweet. If I see cynical, I try to sprinkle their outlook with reminders of innocence. I do indeed try to sway them with optimism, knowledge, understanding…but, I am learning that some fights are best left not fought.

One of the BIGGEST pet peeves I have with folk, is their willingness to be curt, blunt and tactless when expressing their own shit, but then turn around and are THE most sensitive souls. It’s a weak trait, because it indicates that the bravado and mouthiness is often talk to protect the more tender parts of themselves. It pisses me off to have people infer things or put words or meaning into your mouth and heart all to fend of their own feelings of insecurity or guilt.

I am tired. I have been on the Internet actively for 3yrs. I am NOT used to it. I don’t think I will EVER be used to incessant drama. Children posing as adults. People pretending to be trustworthy. Liars disguised as angels. I am taking a step back from the sites I frequent the most. I am considering coming HERE and blogging to get the brunt of life’s worries off my chest.

Wanna blurb lots of gripes…that’s all. LOL