Damn, Ladies…

Women Unite!!!

…or maybe not.

Why is that though? Why is it that women PERIOD seem so easily pushed to turn on one another. It doesn’t take much at all. The moment a woman leaves the room, something negative is uttered. A woman sees a confident woman doing what makes HER happy…out comes the claws.

I’ve never seen such meanness. I see so much side-eyeing, side-swiping, side-talking on a daily basis. In my Facebook feed, my Twitter timeline, my tumblr dashboard, my office, the store, reality TV…GEEZ la-fuggin-WEEZ!

I can’t even say it’s all about men, either. I’ve seen chicks hate each other for simple looks. “She thinks she’s this…” …whether that be her thinking she’s cute, smart, sexy, whatever…I see it.

WHY can’t a woman just look at another woman who is doing her thing and quite possibly succeeding at it…and give her kudos? And MEAN it? Why is it so hard for women to be honest with each other?

Has society pitted us against each other with it’s views of beauty and worthiness? Have we been indoctrinated over the years with superficial peeves about each other? Hair, clothes, weight, skin color…MEN? Yes, SOME of the issues are about men and the attention level one may get over the other.

If I see a woman doing something productive, making her life count for something and being a positive force…I can’t hate her. I love her grind. I love her determination and if I’m not doing what I feel I should be doing, I pray that she’ll inspire me. No, everyone doesn’t have to be inspired  Hell…if you seriously have a reason to dislike or hate…then do you, but why must that be the only thing you have to offer? If I don’t like someone, I just don’t deal. I don’t care if she’s the average Jane or if she’s a celebrity. I seriously don’t like much of Nicki Minaj’s works. Rather than [at any given opportunity] go in on how good she’s NOT…I just don’t listen to her music. I don’t entertain her interviews. There’s no need for me to hold a hate campaign against her. If anything…I respect her carving out a place in the industry for herself.

I refuse to succumb to the title of a “crab in a barrel” by hissing in her direction or any OTHER female I may not care for. It’s not to say you can’t have an opinion, Ladies…but, why does it HAVE to include a hateful lambasting of “that bitch” that you PROBABLY don’t even KNOW well enough to have an opinion on? How do you arrive at a conclusion about any person you’ve never held a conversation with? That to me is a problem and it’s a seemingly BIGGER problem among my very own people. Yes, Black women…I’ve seen some HATEFUL ass comments about each other online. No sense of respect, boundary or basic loyalty to a caste of people who severely need to be unified. Nope…just crazy, insane, nonsensical hate and bitterness toward one another.

This HAS to stop!!

…but, HOW? Where does it begin? Does it begin with saying nice things in lieu of judgments? Does it come with changing the way you speak to people (changing the attitude and being less offensive/defensive)? Where do we begin? How do we pass on love, respect, peace and a sense of community love in place of hate, disdain, envy and division?

I don’t know. For ME, it’s checking mySELF. I rarely have a catty thought anymore. I used to have one from time to time, but those are far and few between. Nowadays, if I find myself rolling my eyes at you…I’ve truly come to that feeling by way of observing you or getting to know you…and even THEN, I don’t feel strongly enough to talk badly about you or wish you ill. Even when people have left my circle…I still send love their way. Why do anything else? Does it benefit ME to be a bitch and be a self-proclaimed warning signal that says, “I’M A BAD BITCH…BEWARE!”? Sure doesn’t. I refuse to sully my overall energy with that kind of negative brashness.

Please ladies…PLEASE consider how you speak. How you perceive each other. How you treat each other. Women are beautiful in so many ways and we must celebrate that in each other daily. Anything else is a crime.

Come out of the litter boxes, damnit! LOL

The "List"

Well, well, well…looky what we have here! While cleaning my room (to move to another space) I found “the list”. Hand-written on 5×7″ college-ruled paper…about *counting*… 6 of those pages long (only front, no back)…in black roller ball ink.

I’d been mulling over “love” and it’s fascinating parts. Those wonderful and agonizing parts, that make it something people either want with their last breath or hate to think about with their entire being. Having been through my fair share of “debacles” I honestly had been talking to myself aloud about how I was going to focus on ME again. Get back to ME…and learn how to live a life full of family and friends…blessings, triumphs and reversals…and more blessings. I wasn’t going to let any man looking to “conquer the Kween” love down my sentries again until it felt indisputably right. I think with all of my past involvements, there was always some sense of, “Ugh…do I even like this dude?” in the beginning. I had to be won over…chased and tackled damn near, instead of a slow chase with sure signs of love amiss. I believe that the guy for me will win me over almost immediately. THAT is how I will know it’s him, because with EACH guy I’ve fallen for…there was always some sense of dislike for him immediately and THEN he got me. Even if I didn’t dislike him per se…it was more like I spotted something that would come between us, ignored it eventually…only to be reminded of that very thing later as the relationship died.

Anywho…I’ve decided to share this list with you all. Perhaps, I found it for a reason. We’ll see ;)…don’t be shy…tell me what you think about it (It’s not in any particular order; except that first one):

  • God-fearing
  • Independent
  • Sociable
  • Honest
  • Over Past Loves
  • Perseveres (?) lol
  • A leader who knows when to follow (lol, clearly my kween tendencies kicking in)
  • Motivated
  • Dedicated
  • “Normal” relationship with mom (must respect her)
  • No addictions
  • Non-possessive
  • Patient
  • Established financially (or well on his way)…(funny how I compromised this in the past)
  • Ambitious
  • Handsome
  • Well-groomed
  • Tall
  • Knows how to please me
  • He must compliment me, NOT complete me
  • My dreams must be as important to him as his are [to me]
  • A love maker…not a sex addict
  • NO LONG TERM SCREWING AROUND!
  • Loves music, poetry and art
  • We can duet together <—I'm over this
  • We should be each other’s best friend
  • I must like him, like I love him
  • Tender Kisses that I can feel deep in my soul
  • Must not feel the need to be searching elsewhere for something more
  • Satisfied with home ^^^
  • No one more than 10 years older and 5 years younger <—broke THAT rule in half
  • Non-argumentative (for sport, I mean)
  • Someone who will see his soul in my eyes; I can look in his and see mine
  • He must have his own life; I cannot and will not be his be all to end all and likewise
  • Someone who loves my smile
  • Snazzy dresser (giggling at the word snazzy)
  • Money-wise
  • Spends quality time with me
  • Non-smoker
  • Moderate drinker
  • Healthy man, free from infection (oh so serious and yet, that made me giggle)
  • His family will love me like their own and vice versa
  • SPARKS MUST FLY AS SOON AS I SEE HIM
  • Someone who won’t mind pursuing me
  • Someone who will be appreciative of me
  • Loves to read
  • Sweet nature
  • Serious when necessary, silly when we want to be
  • Loves to cuddle
  • Neat and clean but not anal (again with the giggles)
  • Creative
  • Not afraid to commit
  • Single – no married, involved or engaged men
  • If divorced, must be totally emotionally detached from ex (would appreciate financial, physical, spiritual and mentally as well)
  • If he has kids, must be responsible but must know how to prioritize me and any family we have
  • Monogamous
  • Must make toes curl and eyes light up (clearly, I was looking for sparks of all kinds, lol)
  • Respectful
  • Warm & Sensitive
  • Strong
  • Enduring
  • Humorous
  • Has a business mind
  • Well-educated
  • Good listener
  • Responsible
  • Considerate & thoughtful
  • Not afraid to communicate
  • Non-controlling
  • Not abusive (on ANY level)
  • Loyal (damn I was repeating myself, lol)
  • Fair-minded
  • Logical
  • Not afraid to show emotions
  • Sexual but not perverse
  • Respects my sexuality
  • Willing to compromise
  • Secure in his masculinity
  • Ethical/Moral
  • Wonderful provider
  • Protective
  • Fun conversationalist
  • Spontaneous
  • Adventurous
  • Loves me for me
  • Spiritual, but not fanatically <—-broke this one, too
  • Humble
  • SANE!!!
  • Generous
  • Sensual
  • Romantic
  • Loves knowledge and how to acquire it

So, there ya go. Excuse the redundancy in certain areas…clearly there are things that stick out to me and matter to me more than other things. A lot has changed and I can say a lot of this stuff is negotiable with me…some isn’t.

So, what do you think of my list and have you ever made one of your own? Do you think they work or are necessary? Are we boxed in by these types of things?

Child, Please…

I was a child once…we all were. (Some of us still are, but that’s another blog) We’ve all been there with new eyes, spirit and perceptions. Our parents, our first impression of “God” and the guidance we get from them. Even at times we felt abandoned (as sometimes humans do when they feel their prayers aren’t answered) when our parents didn’t measure up. We’ve all experienced a sense of being young and lost. Either way…childhood is something to be preserved and enjoyed. No child should feel like they’ve exchanged roles with their parents and are caretakers, mediators or examples in their tender age.

Yet, that’s what happens when adults acting like children allow their break up to affect their sense of reason and sacrifice as a parental unit. You shouldn’t pretend that there isn’t anything wrong…but, it shouldn’t feel like the battle of all battles when you and your ex step in a room. Your child shouldn’t feel like the prize in a tug-of-war.

QUIT USING CHILDREN AS GET BACK! PAWNS! LEVERAGE! QUIT IT…RIGHT NOW!!!

HOW do you know (just in case you’re THAT damned oblivious) that you’re using your kid as a pawn?

  • You ask your child questions about your ex’s activity. Including, but not limited to…who they’re seeing, where they go, what they say about YOU, etc.
  • You bar your ex from seeing their child (if you’re a custodial parent) for no other reason than they either didn’t want YOUR ass, didn’t comply with some petty request or you just “felt like it”. Your child should NOT have to suffer because you’re being a bratty child yourself. Didn’t get what you wanted out of the relationship?…too bad. What you DID get is a beautiful child who has a right to see and experience BOTH of their parents…unless your ex is a pedophile, criminal or has missed more visits with them than they’ve kept. (That kind of inconsistency can be heartbreaking)
  • You teach your child to lie. You do this when you make up reasons [in front of them] for them not being able to see your ex. When you lie [in front of them] about why. When you tell your child things to sway their affections. BAD mom/dad…BAD BAD mom/dad!

These are just a few…but, you get it.

I know of a few different scenarios where people have/are used/using their children as pawns:

`A man whose ex-wife is so vindictive that her actions can only be deemed as evil. From trumped up charges of harassment, calling him crazy which required psych evaluation, keeping his son from him for months at a time while actively harassing him and his new girlfriend with phone calls and emails. She’s also exhibited signs that she wants him back…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to have him. She’s even taken to dressing like his current girlfriend even though his girl’s style has never been his ex-wife’s style. O__O

`A woman whose husband refuses to divorce her, but is fighting for custody of their child. What kind of ass backward, shaken baby syndrome, fuckshit is that? How don’t you want to let someone go, but want to take the child you share? I’ll tell you…he’s fucking PSYCHO! He wants her in some twisted way, yet because he knows she doesn’t want HIM…he tortures her with the one thing he can. The marriage. Her desire to be free by name and law. Their daughter is just a pawn. I’m all but 100% certain this man has traumatized their daughter with his barrage of questions about where her mother is, who she’s with, if she’s dating, etc. All of this while training their child to “blame” her for everything that’s wrong. Absolutely disgusting, I tell you.

`I also have a friend whose child’s mother is SO hung up on what they DIDN’T have (in spite of her being married for several years) that she’s been plotting with her husband to steal his rights. All he wants is to be a father…and she’s so twisted she can’t nor does she care to see that.

PEOPLE!!! Get your life right. I am honestly taken aback by the selfishness of jilted and angry adults who refuse to see that the children should be the focus of their lives. How the moment you brought children into the world, it was no longer ALL about YOU! Whatever didn’t go wrong with your ex, whatever it is you think they’ve done wrong…the children deserve the best possible environment you can give them. If you have to wear a straight face, so the baby can see daddy…so be it. Cry in your bed later for missing him…but, for goodness sake…don’t not answer his calls. The baby will grow up and be a resentful adult and you WILL be blamed.

Child, PLEASE

The Elephant In The Room

I’m walking out of Dunkin Donuts…coffee in hand…

I see a brotha in the corner on the phone…eyeing the slim chick walking toward the counter. I spy him…he ogles her…he doesn’t see me. I giggle and shake my head.

That woman didn’t see him anymore than he saw me…and in my head I’m thinking, “Damn shame.”

Why? Well it’s because I see it all of the time. Some scruffy looking dude is all up in some thin chick’s mug and she’s paying him no mind…and a big woman [such as myself] sees him and he doesn’t see her.

Mind you, I’m simply an observer. I see a lot…I won’t say everything, but I do catch a lot that people don’t. That often gets labeled as me being overly analyzing..but, that’s not it. I just catch the damnedest shit. This is no different.

Recently, it’s been very obvious to me about the whole weight issue. I’ve got good reason to believe that I’ve been skimmed over a number of times due to my weight. It doesn’t matter how un-sexy, unattractive or equally pudgy a dude is…he gets to choose the slimmer version of me, whilst my pickings are slim…no pun intended. It’s kind of what my sister Joy was asking on a Facebook status earlier this morning…

okay, I’m confused about a few things. now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about that out of the box thinking. I’m sure this one has been explained before, but I still don’t get it.


here it goes: why do women have to keep a man?! someone explain this to me. when is the last time you heard someone say, “he can’t keep a woman?!” o_O why is it our sole responsibility to keep this man fed, sexed up, taught, encouraged, entertained, and what not?! mind you, the man is usually the one chasing the woman. so once you catch us we gotta keep you entertained for your troubles? lol OH OKAY! his work is done…he can go sit his ass down..HA! ok. someone..anyone..please help me understand this one.” ~ Humble BE aka Joy

Now, what she said is indirectly linked to what I’m saying. Men aren’t ever truly worried about the prospects of dating. We’re pressed to find ways to “keep a man”. Whether that be, having a slim figure, be an “independent woman whose got her own”, a freak, a chef, a mom, a nurse…you get it. We’ve got to embody EVERY thing that man may want in order to keep HIM…even if he’s lacking in several of these departments  himself. Why should he though? A lot of women are so desperate to be a part of a couple that they’ll shoulder that responsibility AND the blame that comes with it failing. Men have it easier in the dating department. Period.

That thin chick didn’t see that dude in DD…but, does he really care? I mean, chances are…that he’ll have 8 more options…and half will consider him. He can do this all day. Meet several women, try his hand, fail and have 8 more options…that’s the way it is. Imagine the plight of the “big girl”.  If the average woman is in a line up of 9 women…and has a 1 in 9 chance of snagging a dude, consider the statistics of a woman carrying some extra rolls and the stigma that comes along with it.

How you gone like pears and troll for apples? Shoot for the moon, mofo!

I’ve seen the topic debated numerous times…how being big is unhealthy and how one has to be attracted to the outside as well as the inside. I’m so sick of it. Honestly, in this life if someone gives you love from the bottom of their hearts you’d be BLESSED to be on the receiving end. People want perfection and instant gratification and it’s selfish. Period! Relationships are a journey of growing and understanding each other…loving in spite of flaws and short-comings. All of those conditions are what keep relationships failing.

Yet, it’s the preliminaries…it’s the visual that leads the way. It’s sad that in this society a sub par man with “okay” aesthetics is going to bide his time with the big girl until the slim one comes along to fulfill his ultimate desires, all while making him look good as his arm candy. A man is going to dream of Jeannie and settle for Endora until Jeannie blinks in his direction. Well, the big girl has feelings too…she doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice. Why does she get to inherit a man’s issues with superficiality, when she deserves to be seen at the core for what she is? I can respect a man or woman’s preference to be with whomever they want…but, when you’re not hitting on shit and you settle at what YOU believe is the bottom of the pile, I lose respect. People saying how they want someone with substance, someone who can see them for exactly who they are, but they’re looking at the other person’s frame as a  deal-breaker before they even get to know if this person is everything they HAVEN’T dreamed of. As a matter of fact…they may miss out on what GOD has presented them with. I for one am not losing weight so I can say I have someone. The one for me is going to see past the weight and love Kali.

I desire for a man to look me in my eye…into my soul…and see who I am. Why should I be thrown up against a wall, weighed and measured…before someone decides that I’m worthy of his time? Someone whose soul is probably more unattractive than my supposed overweight body…gets to determine my worth? Oh, no you don’t. I’m a whole lotta woman…more so because of my attributes and heart. My body is secondary to my inner person. God made me and everyday I do my very best to treat people the way He would want me to. I embrace folks regardless of what thing sits on the surface. Who is to say that your love can’t be the impetus for someone’s life change. Who knows what would happen if a person were to be 100% embraced by love? One might inspire someone to hit the treadmill on the highest setting!

Remember THIS though…

ANYTHING can happen. The judgment you cast upon someone else can be the very condition you incur. I once knew someone who looked down on a domestic situation I had in my 20’s. One day, I looked up and her then situation wasn’t much different. I’d triumphed over mine…I wonder where she is? I pray not in the same place.

We have a right to want what we want…I’d just hope that while wanting what you want…you reflect your desires. Be what you want…otherwise, you’re just another fool batting out of your league.

*chick walked right past his ass, too* LOL

Looking Asses

I am taken aback…

That folks in their 30’s and 40’s are still playing mind games. That women who are grown and have children or just are GROWN…still pursue men on and offline like a cat in heat. That men who define themselves by the length of their dick, still act like children with no aim. I on the other hand…just wanna be at peace, live, laugh, love and learn. That’s it. Keep the rest.

Let me tell you…2011 is NOT the year to fuck with me. I’m not lying down for ANY bullshit. I WILL step and I WILL blast you! So many times before, I let etiquette and decorum dictate my steps. I’m over it. I’m STILL a lady…STILL a kween, but even a kween has to exact some action when fools start trying to infiltrate her peace of mind.

I had a convo with a dear sister friend and I was once again reminded how the lies of a MAN had tainted my online reputation. A site we used to be on had me looking like some desperate bitch who needed to be loved and wanted to be just like some other woman! WOW. I’m glad that I know who I am and I’m BLESSED that I have real friends who know better. I don’t sweat the small stuff usually, but this bit me on the ass in a hard way. I don’t feel that, believing in someone is desperate…it’s called LOVE you assholes!! Trusting your friends to keep your confidence isn’t VIOLATING or BETRAYING someone else…or being catty or being a bitch. If I’m talking to someone I call a FRIEND and they runteldat…that’s not MY fault…it’s Mouth Almighty’s fault. Contrary to the rumors and lies of little people with little else to do than discuss me…I don’t thrive off drama. Drama makes the underside of my breasts itch…keep that shit. One thing is for sure…if you wanna know if I said some shit…ASK…I PROMISE I’ll tell you if I did or didn’t, but if you’ve made up your mind already that I’m some petty bitch…then stay over ——>THERE!!

Anyway, I find that some of the same people who were in my circle then made it over to Facebook with me and honestly…I know there is this dark cloud that follows me. The only way for the myth to be dispelled is for folks to be enough of an independent thinker to say, “Hmm, I wanna get to KNOW her…”. Otherwise, it’s like a red letter sloppily stitched onto my chest. Truth is, EVERY guy online who I’ve ever been “involved” with…pursued me. They had to CONVINCE me that they really were interested and wore me down after months of convo. I’ve never…EVER seen one dude and been like, “Let me roll up on that.” Nope. I mind my business…and then because these men on the Internet have a gang of stans…I end up the bane of some bitch’s existence because she thinks I’m a threat. One thing I’ve NEVER done is befriend someone so I can see how close they are to my love interest. If you’re still doing that in 2011…

GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!

I ain’t ask dude to holla…
I ain’t ask dude to rope YOU in…
I ain’t ask dude to lie to you…
I ain’t ask for none of it!

Take your LOOKING ASS…and SAT down! Leave me alone. You REALLY won’t like me if I gotta tell your ass that shit again!

Privacy or Secrecy?







What is the difference between privacy and secrecy? Well, privacy is about guarding your personal life and secrecy denotes a sense of duplicity. They are not interchangeable. They ARE two different things.


I have heard a lot of my friends tell me that their men have insisted on protecting their privacy from the online community. The men don’t want to list their status…or aver their emotional affections for them online. There are many “reasons” given:


~ There are haters online who aim to break us up…
~ The last woman I dated betrayed my trust and our lives were broadcasted…
~ No one needs to know but us…


Yea…


Pure constipated bullshit! 


Proclaim!
Provide!
Protect!


A man is to proclaim a woman as his. He is to let the world and anyone in sniffing distance know that this one particular woman is his lady. A man who is interested in something past sex will definitely “piss on a tree” to let all other roaming men know that his woman is off limits. He speaks of her openly and even if he doesn’t gush…he draws lines between himself and other women that are clearly visible. He doesn’t act independent of his relationship. He considers her even when she’s not in the room. I believe that a person…male or female…should ask themselves TWO things before doing or saying something when their mate isn’t around.


“If my [wo]man could see/hear me…would they approve?” and “How would I feel if I knew they’d done/said this to someone else besides me?”


A man is to provide. Perhaps not necessarily in the archaic sense…where she’s a housewife and he’s the breadwinner (unless that’s their arrangement). More so…it’s a provision of love on every level. Not just financially, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. It’s about giving her what she needs (as she gives him what he needs as well) and being a supportive and interactive part of the relationship.


Protecting her…is as much about shielding her from hurt and unnecessary struggle…as it means a physical sense of protection. It’s about being loyal rather than cheating when it’s bound to hurt her to discover that betrayal.


I personally find that when a  man or a woman constantly begs for privacy in a relationship, he or she is hiding their lover for a reason. Whether they’ve got other options that they want to keep lined up,  they’re ashamed of their mate, or they have no interest in being 100% committed to that one person. 


That is where secrecy comes in…


This secrecy masked as privacy is common.  A man with a veritable pantheon of women on his list is reluctant to declare allegiance to ONE woman out of the fear that his band of ego-stroking fans will cease their adulation of him. He’ll be forced to deal with the affectations of ONE woman and be vulnerable to ONE woman’s power over him. I mean, do you know how hard it is to relinquish control/power to another? Poor men…they feel conflicted. How do they maintain their mack personas while appearing to be whipped/controlled/caught up by this one she-devil who just wants to strip him of his manhood…his ability to reel in biddies like a pied piper. ::end sarcasm::


Ultimately, I feel that men and women alike should be honest. Yea, I know…that’s too much like a right angle on a triangle…but it’s a thought. If you don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re open and honest about being exclusive then why be with someone? Why not opt to “date” or screw casually? Why go on and on about loving someone (and only them) yet feeling the need to deny them publicly? I am all for keeping the relationship between you and them…an intimacy protected from prying eyes and whispers…but come on. Eventually, the cat is out the bag and a man and a woman in love will begin to spill over and show how they feel. It’s not cool to avoid, deny, deflect and use sneaky tactics to keep your supposed loved one under wraps. I’ve been there. I’ve had someone go as far as to say they loved me and wanted to marry me but never told a soul past a few people that really didn’t matter. Folks who never met me. Who DID matter…was his mom, brother, etc. His family looked at me as his friend and to this day I was nothing more. YET, he wanted me to tell my mother and sister about his marriage proposals and ring. Interesting right? Not really…more like a con game…and something like a “reservation” to keep me waiting for him with bated breath. ::exhaling::


Anyway, a good dose of privacy is required…but playing dodge ball with your relationship is NOT cool. Someone will PROUDLY shout to those watching, haters and all…”I LOVE THIS PERSON”. Anything else is some high school punk shit. 


I’m out…

Suga Mama





Okay…


Dear Beyonce’…


Though I love your James Brown spirit of being a hard-working Diva (the female version of a HUSSLA)…I got a gripe with you. It’s GOTTA be YOUR fault. Yep, I love me some Bey and those reading this will be in mouth-agape shock because they know I SANGS to your music and pops my area where the booty go, to all your stuff…but, Bey…


No for real…Bey…


Why you got some of these lazy lima bean menz out here looking for suga mamas and tryna get upgraded? Huh? They tryna get Audemar Piguet watches, dimples in they necktie, Hermes briefcase, Cartier top clips, Silk-lined blazers, Diamond creamed facials…VVS cuff links…Six star pent suites…all because you sang it.


Can you do a remix called, “Suga Mama’s Suga Papa”?


Love, Kween


All jokes aside…what in the cheap and lazy HEYELL is going on? I should NOT be doing back flips and cabbage patches around the room when I see a man who is about his business. I see my friends from HS who have grown up and are on their grown man B.I. and I dig it. It’s what they’re SUPPOSED to do, right?


So, I suppose some of these fools skipped class when they did Manhood 101?


Okay, before this becomes touted as a male-bashing blog…lemme dig in the ladies’ asses real quick. *getting spoon*


Sistas (Black, White, Asian, etm…) We have spoiled men. Whether we’re doing it financially or otherwise, we’ve become crutches to men who are able-bodied and mentally capable of being more than our sex partners. I’ve said before that the music/movie/TV industry has had a big impact on how our men weigh up what it is they want from us. Are they the only ones affected? No. We, too make decisions at times based on societal standards rather than what works for us and the life we live…the life we WANT to live. The standard is women who make their own and for us it’s guys who are sensitive and romantic. Yet, if we’re looking for romance and the best “O” we’ve ever had and NOT a man who is stable and independent, that can be a bad match. This isn’t about being gold-diggers or gigolos…it’s about remembering our roles. Not our traditional roles, so to speak…but, our God given roles…the ones that are primal and base instinctive. Men are by nature the hunters and gatherers and women are by nature the nurturers and bearer of children. Add this to today’s contemporary, feminist society and you get a lot of women who work and raise children…and a lot of men who don’t work but still manage to tap into the need to roam. Isn’t that some shit? Women are expected to evolve AND comply…men aren’t. We are STILL expected to birth children and keep a home, no matter whether we work a full-time job or not. Men however, have taken to getting over on their mates by allowing her to bring home and fry the bacon…while he eats and plays with Simba…


It’s our fault in a lot of ways. I’m all for paying for some dates…seeing something in the store that my man would love and purchasing it for him. That is love and nurture. That is thinking of him as I think of myself…but, if I’m the only one buying, paying, offering, sacrificing…while his money is his and mine is his, too…that’s enabling his selfish behavior. I am in that moment a co-dependent of his selfish, childish nature as well as exhibiting potential desperate tendencies. Allowing him to drain me of my resources because, “I love him”…while he either invests somewhere else or he just becomes a black hole of my “love”. BOYS expect mommy to pay. MEN expect his woman to pay only in an extreme case that he is not able to…he doesn’t expect it on a regular basis. Money is a tender issue and should be handled gingerly in relationships. It can be the end of an otherwise very positive union. When dude finally leaves…you’re drained of your resources, you have no man and you’re most likely bitter, too. Remember, in an uneven relationship…you’re most likely lonely already, so what do you have to lose?


Now, back to them…


Guys…really? I’ve gotta hand it to you. You may not be listening to Bey…but you just may be pumpin’ Ne-Yo’s “Miss Independent”…LOUDLY! You guys are good at sizing up the “easier” catch. Hmmm…*pulling out scale of choice* A woman I may have to take care of, work for/beside, become a better man in the process, step up to the plate for and with? Or…the chick who wants, needs and desires a warm body so badly that she’ll buy me, pay for me, etc? It’s not that hard. If a man is content in being stunted in his emotional dependency on a woman (red flag: mother issues), then he isn’t going to want to be with someone who commands his spirit to stand up and be the man in the equation. He IS going to gravitate toward the woman who doesn’t mind paying for his phone bill, the trips, the food, the rent…esp. if he is “pursuing” a goal yet to be named or reached. Easy beats out Hard…every time. 


Now, don’t get me wrong. Some women aren’t actually “buying” their men because she’s desperate or needy. Some are doing so, because she’s actually so generous that giving is second nature to her…but that is [unfortunately] a handicap in this day and time, because feeble men prey on that quality. In a sense…she doesn’t even KNOW she’s buying his affections…securing him in this fashion. Yet, it yields the same results…his laziness.


That’s the point. Not EVERY man knows how to accept a gift or ten from his lady and still remain vigil in his role as a provider. To still remember that a woman is one, whom in taking care of everyone around her…needs his strength to envelope her and let the world’s effect melt away with him…just the way we do for him (or should). We’re supposed to take care of EACH OTHER. Ladies, if you’ve been with a man long enough that you consider yourselves in a relationship, you’re monogamous, you’re “in love” and planning a life…and when you mention to your man that you’re struggling and stressed over finances…he gets silent or says he’ll pray for you and hopes it gets better? Reconsider. Reevaluate. Introspectively probe your relationship’s future and ask if you’ve chosen the right man. Like I said earlier to someone…”Men wanna get between your thighs, but they don’t wanna get between you and your bills.” Laying up in a woman’s place, eating her grub, loving her body and leaving isn’t the business of love…that’s the business of hooking up. It’s not about “paying for sex” so don’t go there…it’s about USING someone without the responsibility that comes with having a deep concern for them. Someone who has your best interest at heart is going to show up when the tough is toughest. Once, I was “planning” a life with someone for 2.5 years and ONCE he threatened to care enough to send me money…and didn’t. Truth is…whether I said, “I’m good” or not…the money should’ve showed up anyway. We have to remember that supporting a man doesn’t mean funding a man…it means inspiring him to be the best he can be. Trust that his success as a man is and will be a benefit to him AND you. If he’s gonna leave, he’s gonna leave…no amount of money…or sex for that matter will keep him. Have his back…but, try not to cripple him in the process.


Sooooo, Bey…I’mma need you to come get your boys….

So I’M Crazy, Huh?

Yea, Okay…


I’ve learned a LOT in relationships. Not just how to be in one or leave one…but, I learned HUMAN observation. My “expertise” so to speak ranges from a man who was 22yrs my senior…to one 4yrs my junior. You want to know what? NEITHER was different than the other. Ole dude was no more mature than the young chicken tender. They BOTH were big babies when they got sick. They BOTH used the same tactics when we argued. They BOTH thought I was pretty but they hated to say it. (The FUCK?) They both were cool and calm as if the were unaffected by me…but, the moment I said I was done, they would all of a sudden remember how much they loved me…well, the old dude did.


Anyway…I’ve noticed a few key factors that took place in our relationship. Especially, when we disagreed or I found fault in something done…these factors would spring up like a psycho w/a knife. 


DEFLECTION:


GEEZ LA-MUHFUCKIN-WEEZ. If I ask you a damn question…or I bring something to your attention, PLEASE do not come back with, “What do you mean?” or “What’s wrong with you? Why you acting crazy?” MAAAAAN, do NOT make me go get a plunger and plunge your mouth until that bullshit comes up and out. :::woosah::: (I’m working on the hostility I promise… but, this shit makes the underside of my boobies itch). What I hate about the “art of deflection” is that I know it’s done to 1) Confuse 2) Shut you down 3) Pluck my last damn nerve. If a man can make you feel like it’s YOU…then you’ll question the grounds on which you brought the issue to them. Once you do that, your argument loses it’s pace and you come to a screeching halt. A true “WhereTF am I going with this?” moment. NOTHING takes the wind out of your sails quicker than being made to feel a number of things ranging from, insecure (their favorite word), paranoid, clingy, childish, etc. The act of being labeled something that invalidates your feelings ALONE is enough to make the average woman run crying to her friends asking, “Am I crazy?”. No girl…he’s a punk.


A woman like me? I’m gonna get to the juice of the matter. Like when my other ex had a chick on his page and she called herself his “wifey”. When I asked, he claimed not to know her… after all this was his Myspace page…and who does Myspace anymore? So, I said (knowing that this was the test of if he REALLY knew her or not) “Delete her…I want her gone. Delete the comments and her.” Well, he went into how he wasn’t going to have all this drama on his page and how it made no sense to even keep the page since he was never there…and I said, “I don’t get it. All of that deleting crap…not necessary. Delete HER!!” …because “I” knew that if she meant nothing…it would MEAN nothing for him to get rid of her. I wouldn’t have even had to ask. The fact that she was causing a rift would’ve been cause enough to get her ass deleted into cyber oblivion. He deleted the comments…but not her…and surely not the page. We eventually broke up…and to this day I’m sure that chick is there. Deflection is mostly used as a form of defense when guilty. An innocent man needs no defense other than the truth. PERIOD.


Being in a relationship is surely a give and take exchange. It will not ALWAYS be equal, but there will be a sense of reciprocation that keeps you from feeling like you’re in a relationship alone. You shouldn’t feel like expressing your feelings is the end of your relationship. It certainly shouldn’t feel like in order to keep peace, you must keep your gripes to yourself for fear they’ll leave or coin you as some insecure whiner. Fuckouttahereyo….






PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS:


This right HERE…is something that’ll make me look at you, get up and walk out. REALLY? I mean it’s cute if your man says playing, “I sure could use a massage…by my nurse” :wink wink: {{insert woman getting the picture and coming in with a very short “something” on to get things popping}} Anything else…is again…some punk ass shit.


For instance, my ex (the older one) used to say that “Everything is fine” when asked what was wrong…but then turn around and have an attitude or need coddling in some way. Men HATE when women do this…but, plenty of men do it to us. I wonder if they realize they’re doing it? Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you’re bothered…say so. If you’re annoyed, say so. What makes communication fail the fastest is pretending things are okay when they’re not. Using silence and short talk as a punisher to make your mate feel badly…which in turn (because women are naturally compassionate and nurturing) makes us want to tend to your ego. If that’s the point of it all…wow. You can cut out the bullshit and say, “I need you, right now…I’m going through something.” 


“You get more bees with honey than with vinegar…” ~old adage


I had a charge once…a 4yr old boy who was smart as a whip. He used to say things that would have me cracking up! One day I was eating an apple and he said, “That apple suuuure looks good…I bet it tastes good, too.” (Mind you…he’d eaten breakfast not too long before and this was MY breakfast). I mumbled, “Mmm hmm” and continued eating my Golden Delicious. Several minutes went by and he finally asked, “Aunt Kali, may I have an apple?” I replied, “Yes, baby…you sure can.”  On another day as we were watching Spongebob Squarepants…he says (while still facing the TV) “I KNOW my mom sent a snack for me…I wonder if it’s in there…” I said NOTHING. I giggled silently as I listened to this 4yr old child learn his way around passive aggressiveness at such a young age. He said it once more before turning to me and asking, “Aunt Kali, may I have my snack now?” Without missing a beat, I said, “You sure can, baby…and for future references…don’t beat around the bush. If you’re hungry tell Aunt Kali and I’ll get you something.” He never did it again.


Closed mouths don’t get fed. You can’t begin to get your needs fulfilled if you BS around the cause with moans, loud sighs, long faces and shrugs. SAY what it is…it’s the quickest route to discussing it and getting past it.


We’re SUPPOSED to be in relationships to enhance each other…be GOOD to one another. We’re supposed to listen to our mates and consider their feelings. It shouldn’t be a one-sided saga of, “I’m right and you’re crazy”. If a person doesn’t want to do these things…they might want to reconsider partnership all together.


…but, I’M the crazy one, huh?


…bastum

It Aintcho Mack, Daddy…





I know it’s hard to conceive….but, when a woman stays in a relationship, or gives you her sex…it may NOT be your mack, daddy.


Us ladies are a lot smarter then some of us are given credit for. Sometimes, we just LOVE you. Women are the kind of creatures that are built for hope, compassion, tolerance and nurturing. When we fall in love…whether with our babies, our friendships, or our men…we pull for you like you’re Secretariat. When the world says, no way…this racehorse is a loser…we step it up big time and make sure you men know that we believe you can come from behind and be a winner. We hand feed you ego strokes and make sure your coat is brushed to a fine shine and then we pat you on the tail and say, “Go get em!”. *lmao*


Really…do you guys believe that the dick stroke or the mack laid down in “Baby, you’re the only one”…”Baby, I want  you to be my wife…”…”Baby, no one gets me but you…”…do you think that is ALL that keeps us endeared to you? Sometimes, it’s what you DON’T show. It’s what you try to hide…like your vulnerabilities that peek out from behind your stoic exterior from time to time. By all means do give us credit for having our own mind and heart.

There are times…where sex is concerned that we give it to you because WE want it. ::GASP!!:: I know right? No way, right? YES, man. We are sexual just like you are. That old myth/statistic that says men think of sex blah blah blah many times a day more than women SUCKS!! I blink and see penis…and this is a celibate woman talking! I also have friends who get it on a regular and they RAVISH their partners.


I’ve seen so many dudes allow their “conquer” to go to their heads…the big and the smaller one. Don’t. As many women that have walked off and rated a man’s sex as wack while faking moans of pleasure…there are many women…MANY who will ask a man, “What was that?”


I’ve been in a situation at least twice in my life where a man started out with the whole “let’s keep it about sex” and then when I treated them in the manner they requested, they felt some desire to conquer me swirl up from the depths of hell. The “I love you’s” come out. The weird behavior and game playing began…and I ended up asking, “Wait, were you NOT the one who wanted no strings attached sex?” I always get that look of, “You bitch!” or the reply of, “Wow, I thought we had something special…” 


O_O


It’s been said that women fall in love faster. I beg to differ. I believe we fall in love together…what I think gets misconstrued is our affection and willingness to say we miss you, or we thought of you…as love. Sometimes, we just want to get up on the comfort of a man. The feel of a man’s body against ours. The heat from a man’s hands in places that…wait, this is the Kaleidoscope…not Passion’s Fruit. LMAO {{shameless plug}}


Either way, just because we GIVE it to you…doesn’t always mean you talked us out of it. We have way more say in your “mack” than you know.







Peppermint Patty or Marcie?





Which one are you? If either?


If you’re Peppermint Patty (we’ll call her P.P. for short)…then you’re the one in charge. You’re the kinda chick whose friend[s] roll with her out of fear, need, or boredom. You can’t roll with Lucy, because she’ll probably kick your ass. You don’t roll with Sally, because she’s too young and she’s C.Brown’s sister, so you don’t want to hurt her or you’ll never sniff C.Brown’s breath. The little Red-Headed girl is too “cute” for you…with her, you become the “ugly friend”. At least with Marcie, no one’s checking for her either, so you like rolling with someone on equal or lower status than you. You make Marcie do all of your dirty work. If you want to know something, send Marcie. Marcie will watch your kids, do your laundry, loan you cash, tell you what you want to hear and call you “sir” all the while.


If you’re Marcie…chances are you’re probably smarter than P.P. You hang with her because she’s the only one that acknowledges you’re around. You KNOW that if you had balls you wouldn’t even deal with her. You’d get some contacts…or not, create your own circle or hook up with Lucy. At least then, you’d know that Lucy would beat the tar shit out of P.P. for rolling up wrong.


Okay, yea…I took The Peanuts and thugged em out a little..but there’s a message. As I sit watching yet another reality show (Basketball Wives)…I grow disgusted more and more by the moment watching Evelyn run roughshod over every chick on the show. Shaunie, the producer and HBIC… invites Tami Roman (ex of Kenny Anderson and ex-Real World cast member) to meet…and she decides she already doesn’t like her. (Fast Forward to the preview of an upcoming show where Tami lunges into Evelyn’s ass). I hate that no one checks her…assertively…on her shit. There’s something to be said for the kind of woman who doesn’t want her friends to like ANYONE but her…to the point, she’ll sabotage every other connection. I bask in the variety of friends I have…and I’m cool that each friend I have has her own bestie or her friend isn’t quite mutual. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. If you’re stuck under your friend too much, it can make you grow sick of them. Weeks go by before I spend a day or more with my friends and I’m cool on that. I have always been a homebody and I revel in my alone time. It feeds my writer’s passions and my artist’s inspirations. Too much of everyone else’s energy can drown out the call of your own individual desires.


It’s a damn shame that chicks are so catty…especially when you’re in your 30’s, parents and responsible citizens with jobs/careers. Grow up Peppermint Patty…and quit wearing the damn Birkenstocks. Get you some Uggs. LOL