Obligatory End of Year Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Wow…2013 was an interesting year. A lot has happened. I wish I could give a month by month blow…but my memory ain’t so good anymore. lol I’ll just do my best to think of the things that stuck out the most.

I turned 40!!! I had a sweet close-knit gathering with my best girls (some were missing and MISSED). In the thick of it, my BFF Joy and I met the newest addition to our circle, Ms. Tina. We had a great time…even though I feel the weekend was MIGHTY short. I could’ve been the belle of the ball for at LEAST a week more 😀

It was also the month I suffered a meniscus injury…so, I was hobbling at the birthday event. Nonetheless…I had a wonderful time.

I spent a lot of time honing my graphics design company, FFK (Fancy Face Kreations) and building a customer base. I’m STILL doing that. It ain’t easy…but, I love it.

A family member who’d been fighting cancer, got a clean bill of health after a VERY close call. God is GOOD.

…and even though later this year, I lost a different family member to cancer…God is STILL good. He was a wonderful person and his legacy is a worthy one.

I went to my first outdoor concert with Joy. Lianne La Havas! I swear, I’ve never had so much fun while standing for 6 hours!! There couldn’t have been a more fit person to share that experience with. Joy and I both share a wonderful love of music…and Lianne brought a cool memory we’ll both remember. I spent the weekend in Harlem for once (Joy normally camps here on select weekends) and it was nice to be her guest! 🙂

I also got to watch one of my kiddies get married. I sat Catrina as a baby and to see this young woman walk the aisle into her love’s arms was a beautiful gift. Born 3 months early, my preemie baby girl has flourished into a sweet young woman whose life is touched with golden things. I was so giddy over that. I also felt OLD. I had to remind myself that I was given her as a responsibility at the age of 13…so, yea. lol

Even though, between enduring some tense moments with a couple of house guests and some unexpected and mind-blowing drama from someone I thought to be a friend…I managed to remain in the presence of mind I’m in. Blessed. Loved. Purposed for something all mine and happy to be a part of God’s plan.

With life and death, ends and beginnings…friends coming and going…life continues to tick forward. Every second is another second past the old. Every day is a new chance to see life differently than the day before.

I spent this Christmas alone…and it wasn’t all that bad (If you don’t count the burn in the palm of my hand from grabbing a searing hot pan from the oven, sans mitt O_O). I made myself a Christmas dinner of lamb chops, apple cider-ginger glazed carrots and spinach-artichoke in puff pastry. I drank Moscato and enjoyed holiday-themed movies…as I fawned over the many friends and family who DID get to spend that day with someone.

I’ll be alone for New Year’s Eve and I’m okay with that, too. I try not to put TOO much stock in the need to celebrate specific days for life. Every day is a New Year for us who can say we saw that day the year before. Every day is Christmas if you’re glorifying the Savior’s life. Every day is Valentine’s Day if you appreciate your mate…and so forth.

I can reflect with the rest of you, but every day I open my eyes is a new day…a year to the date of awakening. I pray that I get some things right. I pray that my purpose continues to evolve and grow into something that can create MY legacy. I pray that AMAZING things come my way as old and stale things go away.

I wish that for you all, too.

Again…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Word 31: Life

Day 31, the last day of the challenge…was dedicated to whatever word each blogger felt like using. I chose the word “life”.

Before I get into my word…I’d like to thank those who participated. Mahogany Dymond, who requested this challenge, I hope you got out of this what you hoped for. No Labels Unleashed…thank you for giving your all. Lamont Clark did not finish and we had another participant who though she didn’t have a blog, did so on her Facebook page.

Thanks again…hopefully, we’ll have another soon and try again to be unique, expressive and honest. Onto my word…

Life is beginning, and ending and beginning in the middle. Life is cycling…forward, upward and toward destinies and purposes. Life is slipping away from and skipping right up to us every single day. Life is here…and either we’re living it…or we’re missing it.

Word 23: Bed

Bed…

twirling in lieu of walking
singing instead of talking
i tip toe, skip and leap
past a bed of
jasmine sweet
i double back
i close my eyes
i fall backward
to view the sky
i wallow
in petaled perfume
still humming
my lovely tune
birds soar by
everything seems so alive
and as i rise
to leave the scene
i spot a sparkly stream…
bouncing
lifted
dancing…i inch toward the sound
of a watery concerto
playing loudly in surround
i give my toes a test
and find myself in up to my neck
coasting and floating quietly
rinsing away all regret
i rise
i wring
i dry
and i’m off to adventure more
when i spot a light-filled door
thinking not,
i draw near the portal
with curiosity i cannot name
and peek past the light
to hear people calling my name
i allow my eyes to lead
and to my horror i finally see
i’m no longer mortal
my family is mourning me

perhaps a bit morbid, but I’ve always wanted to die in my sleep…peacefully in my bed.

What’s Going On?

Edward “Butch” Harris

It’s been an interesting week. I sigh in the aftermath of an emotional turn of events. Some are somber and at least one is the bright spot of it all.

Last Saturday, a beloved family member died. I would be lying if I said that death has me shaken since 2010 where at least three people I knew and loved passed away. Since then, my paternal family had it’s ups and downs, with a cousin falling ill with cancer (and recovering NICELY at this time). She got sick almost back to back with us losing our grandmother. Prayers were prayed diligently and religiously. Thank God she was spared and is now bouncing back wonderfully.

Unfortunately, last year…her stepmother died unexpectedly (to those of us unaware of her sickness). Last August when she died, left a chasm in my family centered around money. I’ve chosen to remain on the outside of that situation. I want no parts of that. Money is never important enough for me to betray nor go against my blood. I’d rather be broke.

Either way, this last death was sudden…but not really. Our last time seeing one another he didn’t look too great, but I want to say I put those concerns in a place called denial and prayed he was okay. He wouldn’t be. This is just one more hit to my paternal family and it seems incessant. I don’t know what to think anymore and it’s created a sense of worry…maybe even paranoia.

Anyway…

Two days later, a situation was brought to light concerning someone I once saw as being a friend. I was angry for two days and that’s all I gave her. I wasn’t in the mood for it and have decided that life goes on and that’s it. I’m moving forward and hope that this week begins as a close to that other shit. I’m so done.

Everything also happened during the week where I wasn’t feeling too great. I went to the doctor’s though, so I’m good.

One of the better parts of my week have to do with my friend DeAnna. She was placed on the National Kidney Transplant List and hopefully it won’t take too long. I cried and thanked God. I pray Godspeed over her and that her wait is no wait at all. Read her blog on it HERE.

Tomorrow is my cousin’s funeral. I ain’t ready. I dreamed of him and woke up crying. He was one of those people who when you think of cool people who stay the same no matter how much time goes between seeing one another…you think of him. He was a staple in my childhood and I can’t remember him ever being mean, petty or disrespectful. He’ll be sorely missed. I’m just blown that he’s gone…

Edward “Butch” Harris…rest in peace fam. I love you.

The Fourteenth Day…

didn’t feel like looking for a picture…so yea.

…a day you hate to see coming.

Death of loved ones…

Extreme Poverty/Potential homelessness…

Grave illness…

Crimes against me and mine…

Anything traumatic that could bring about pain or loss.

That’s it.

The Third Day…

…a day in middle school

I was in 8th grade. I went to [what was then called] Charles E. Nichols Middle School…affectionately just, “Nichols”.

8th grade was aight. I didn’t have one fight, but I did have a few mitches I couldn’t stand. I had my “crew”…but, I remember by year’s end…we were barely friends anymore. I don’t remember much good about that year. I mean, I survived it.

…our friend Hilary Spruill, however…did not.

I remember being in the gym. Us girls were in the locker room and my play cousin came and told us (in tears) that our friend Hilary had been shot and died. Come to find out…she was with him. They’d been mugged for their coats and I can’t quite remember if Hilary just gave his up or not, but he lost his life over a leather bomber.

We wept for days…

I remembered that…even though I wasn’t super close with him, he was so cool. I remembered an instance where some guy was harassing me in the hallway and Hilary came up and said, “Yo, leave my cousin alone…” and stuck up for me. He asked if I was okay and I said yes and thanked him. He told me that if anyone bothered me for me to tell him. I never forgot that. He barely knew me other than knowing my face around the way…but, he cared.

He wouldn’t be the last friend we lost to violence. We’d unfortunately lose several more friends through High School. A few by gun violence…a couple to sickness…one or two to accidents. I remember far too many deaths for my teen years.

Anyway, yea…that’s my middle school memory. I’ll try to lighten up my HS memory.

*sniffles*

No Longer Waiting to Exhale

You could’ve bought me for half a penny last night when I found out Whitney Houston had died. I HATE the internet for the kind of  false alarms we have about celebrities dying. The first thing I do is search out the info on big sites…which I did this time and the top source was ABC. She’d died in the Beverly Hills Hilton Hotel and was found by her bodyguard. (even though for a second folks thought Ray J had found her). She was there to attend the Grammy’s which is to be aired tonight at 8pm EST on CBS. I’m sure the show will reflect the industry’s loss. Especially since we’ve also lost Etta James and Don Cornelius as well. ~sigh~

Let me tell you…I couldn’t even talk to my girl Tei anymore. I had to get off the phone. CNN was reporting and I had to hear every bit of it. I search for words right now and I’ve got a swirl of info and thoughts and emotions competing for space in this blog right now. (It doesn’t help that VH1Soul is on and playing her songs) I cried and cried some more…and turned her music on and cried some more. I’m still in disbelief…probably will be for a long time. It’s hard to accept the loss of such public people when they’ve left so many living visuals of themselves to keep them alive.

::exhaling::

Most people my age grew up with Whitney the way my mom grew up with Michael Jackson. In their beginning years…WITH them. My first album ever(which I purchased with my allowance) was her first album…vinyl. I played that album until it skipped. I loved EVERY song and played it and sang it EVERY day. I was 11 or 12. I used to hang with the Bunches…Shawn and Equenthia…and I think we all thought we were Houstons and Jacksons. I KNOW their mom Sandy got tired of us singing all the GAT damn time. lol  “You Give Good Love” summoned Shawn and I into his mother’s room one day as we laid eyes on Whitney for the first time singing. Mouths and ears open. That intro is unforgettable and I don’t care if we’re riding in a car of loud folks, with the windows down, wind whipping and what not…I can still spot that song on the lowest volume by the 1st few notes. “TURN IT UP!!!” is what you’ll hear me say out of nowhere. My 2nd fave became “Thinking About You” which is the 2nd track and honey it goes on for each song on this album. Her duets with Teddy Pendergrass and Jermaine Jackson…classic.

Then her sophomore album hit, “Whitney Houston” and I played THAT like it was going outta style. My girl Leah and I sat around and played that album (often crying and feeling every emotion…even though we were 12 & 14). “Where You Are”, “For the Love of You” the Isley Bros remake, which I had the nerve to correct Leah’s mom when she said that in the car:

Judy *as the song plays on the radio*: “Oh, this is a remake of the Isley Bros song…”
Smart Ass Me: “Nah uh, Ms. Judy…that’s Whitney Houston!”
Judy: “Yea, but they made it first…”
Smart Ass Me: “Oh…I like Whitney’s better” (KNOWING I hadn’t heard the other and thinking…who cares?) LOL

“So Emotional” was the song my sister and I sang often…mics and all. “Just the Lonely Talking Again” another remake, this one originally by The Manhattans. I swear…I sang this song to an ex of mine and he was mesmerized. He was like, “Wow…you sound just like her!” Back in those days I could actually hit those notes…now, not so much. lol

Whitney’s music, along with Michael Jackson, Prince, Stevie Wonder, New Edition, and so many more were indeed the singers to the songs that made the soundtrack to my adolescence. I can tell you who I was “in love” with, where I lived, who was my bestie and how I wore my hair to each song.

When Whitney visibly fell victim her drug usage…no longer functional, it was heart-breaking. I used to tell people…she’s human. Yes, we love her…but she’s human. There has to be enormous pressure on someone like her to be “perfect”, that we shouldn’t expect her never to fall, make mistakes and lose her way. I believed in my favorite female artist of all time. I believed that God and her strong mom would help her through. Whitney came from a family who although were connected to the gospel world…also had substance abuse issues. Both of her brothers at one time or another were addicted and her cousin Dionne Warwick had her own battles.

I wrote on Whitney before…click here…to see what I had to say back in 2009. As I read that older blog, I see some of the same memories written there as in this one, but hey…it’s my blog…I can repeat myself if I want to. LOL

~sigh~ Whitney Elizabeth…”Nippy”…I’m gonna miss you girl. I’m gonna miss pulling for you to get better and come back and reclaim your glory. Never again though…you’re in HIS glory now. I pray that for you. I pray an abundance of comfort, peace and understanding for Bobbi Kristina, Cissy, Bobby and the rest of your family and friends. I pray that your struggle speaks so loudly to those doing the same and that they’re convicted to get it together. I’ll never EVER forget your angelically pure voice, your sass and your artistic offerings. Rest in Peace, Whitney.

Love Always, Kali

**I want to thank my tumblr family for the pics @queennubian and @notesonascandal**  

Dead To The World: Joyce Vincent

Joyce Carol Vincent…

A seemingly vibrant, educated, multi-talented and mysteriously intriguing woman…dies…and no one notices.

This story is making it’s rounds. Blogged by many, I’m sure this story will reach to the recesses of the Internet’s farthest corners, which is almost ironic. Considering that no one missed her for three years in this information age of communication is mind-blowing…yet after she’s gone her story gives her infamy.

Is that the world we live in? As a life…a breathing body of God’s work…holds no value until it’s a posthumous story of sensationalism? Is that an indicator of how self-absorbed we are as a society? We’re c o n s u m e d by iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs…hmm, “I” everything, huh? With the personal computer, the webcam, texts instead of calls, emails instead of actual post cards or letters…we as a world are BEHIND the computer screens and not out in front of life? So, even if  Joyce had a social media page…because of the jet-set life she led, she STILL wouldn’t have been missed. Her absence would’ve been chalked up to normalcy.

We are so absorbed with ease and instant gratification. People can get engrossed with the simplicity of the high tech world and dislodge themselves too easily. Imagine a woman who probably only used a computer for work…her only communication being person to person and infrequent at that. She was a virtual blip in the life she led. Remember “The Net” starring Sandra Bullock? She was such a loner that she wasn’t missed when her life was being fooled with. She could’ve disappeared and no one would’ve really thought twice. Most hadn’t ever laid eyes on her. She was a name…a forgetful one. Her mother had dementia, her one good friend got killed on the way to see her and the doctor whom she’d fallen for hadn’t been in contact for years because of conflict of interest. She almost dropped off the face of the earth without a care from anyone…

…but, Joyce was REAL. Joyce KNEW people. She had SEVERAL circles of friends who have mostly wonderful things to say about her in retrospect. Mostly everyone saw her as this hauntingly beautiful woman who had everything women strive to be. Looks, Intelligence, Charisma…a lust for LIFE. Or perhaps that’s it. It wasn’t a lust for life she had…but a wanderlust for escapism that wasn’t ever quenched. She had a wonderful job at a world-renowned company, Ernst & Young. She was touted to have a beautiful singing voice…and a desire to be a star. She rubbed elbows with the elite…Nelson Mandela being just one of them. She craved the love life that a lot of women do…but, seemed to draw dysfunction to herself. She clearly had spent time estranged from her family…enough so that not even THEY missed her. She had most of the material and personable qualities to make someone popular…all except the power to evoke thoughts of concern.

HOW…how is it that people can be so disconnected from one another? I know we have lives of our own, ups and downs, preoccupations with one thing or another…but, how does a woman who is fun, energetic, and popular…fade into the night. Alone. In an apartment…with the TV on. For THREE years.

That’s another thing. Joy and I pontificated back and forth about it. We played with the idea of foul play. Perhaps one of those jilted loves…abusive and relentless…the reason for her being in a shelter at one time…exacted revenge. Yet, how does that explain the electric and rent paid for so long that no one…not even a landlord or a utility serviceman…would come knocking? Was she paying her rent so far in advance because she WAS a jet-setter? Wanting to make sure that she had a place to return to after traveling so many places? Or was her rent paid to keep someone from suspecting her demise? I’m also quite amazed that pathologists couldn’t conclude a cause of death…when archaeological scientists determine the deaths of many unearthed skeletons everyday. There’s NO way to determine cause of death for a 3yr old skeleton…but, there’s science to gather evidence for one that’s over 300,000 yrs old? O___o #forensics #youredoingitwrong

I read this story twice. Once alone and again aloud to Joy on her visit here. As I read it the second time, this woman’s story penetrated my soul…Joy’s too. We both wondered if that could be us. It’s a natural question I suppose, but I know better. I have gone a significant amount of time between speaking to my family…but, if I lived alone and no one had heard from me in just three MONTHS…folks would start showing up. Hell…give me three WEEKS with no phone answered? No sight online? Yea…someone’s kicking down my door. This I know.

So, why not her? Is it because people…in their own attempt to fit in and ingratiate themselves in a life apart from their day to day grind, also mask their inner self? I know a few people who have internet personas that do not mesh with their true selves. People make their life better than it is with description and attitude not realizing that they’re making themselves unreachable to other people’s hearts and minds. Anyone can be beautiful, smart, full of “joie de vivre“…but if that’s all anyone knows, what’s the point? No one can say how your heart worked, what brought you thus far, what has shaped you…because you’re not vulnerable to life. You’re closed off and giving people the shiny top and not the rusty parts. Maybe…Joyce losing her mom at the age of 11 scarred her. Being raised by her father and four older sisters…is it possible she was the bane of their existence? Did her sisters envy her? What caused this woman to unhinge herself from a family and be an anonymous face? Was it the shame of her situation? Aspirations to rise above her upbringing, accomplishing most of her goals…but, being subjected to abusive relationships? ~sigh~

I hope that in seeing the movie, “Dreams of A Life” by Carol Morley (the author of the story I read, here) …will give insight. Maybe the bits of pieces of the people she impacted in some way…will come together and give her not only a face…but, a life to be remembered. God willing…if nothing else, the story will inspire people to become more involved, more inquisitive when forming friendships and check after one another. After all…we are our brothers’ keepers.

Here is the trailer for the movie…

Dreams of a Life Trailer from Dogwoof Documentary on Vimeo.

Larger Than Life: Rest In Peace, Heavy…

This isn’t a blog of biographical statistics. I’m not reporting the news. I’m here to pay homage to my town’s pride…so excuse me if this blog isn’t cohesive.

I  hail from Mt. Vernon, NY. We call it 4sq. because it’s literally 4 square miles. A small city sitting on the edge of Westchester County, bringing us within tickling distance of NYC’s influence. Growing up in Mt. Vernon was kinda cool. I think my era was one of  the best…maybe even the last of the surge of good offerings to the talent industry.

From my town hails Dick Clark, Stephanie Mills, sisters Phylicia Rashad and Debbie Allen, Al B. Sure, Sean Combs aka Diddy, Doug E. Fresh (both of whom also share roots in New Rochelle), Misa Hylton our fashionista, basketball player Ray Williams, comedian Talent and our own jazz love, Michael Phillips aka Mike Philly. We’ve always had extreme talent in our town…you were beyond blessed to make a name for yourself and make it out. Hev has definitely done that. From his music to the big screen, he has made us proud to have known him first.

Heavy and “the Boyz” (Eddie F, T-Roy and G-Wiz) rapped and danced their way onto the scene in 1987. I was just 14 and could remember how proud we were that they’d made it. Not long after their single debuted, I can remember them visiting the high school and just chillin’ in the cafeteria. (I had a little crush on G-Wiz LOL). They walked and rode around like they weren’t making videos and had their faces on an album cover, lol. Hev in that Blazer…was a summer staple for a long time before his success got hold of him affording him travel and appearances far from home. No one hated…we loved it. He was “ours”. They were ours…

Heavy D, or Hev (born Dwight Myers)…boasted pride for his town and his native Jamaica. You can’t deny that his lyrical prowess was a seamlessly fused combination of New York hip hop and Jamaican smoothness. His “bon diddly diddly dee” is often imitated but NEVER duplicated by those captured by his lyricism. Hev could dance too…light like a mug. lol He damn sure could keep up with the boys.

**I remember when Trouble T-Roy…one of the boys, died. I believe it was 1990 and it couldn’t have hit my town any harder. They were just getting the success they’d worked so hard for and his life was snuffed out so suddenly. An accident on tour where he’d fallen and hit his head…was the reason one of our pride was gone. S/N: I remember not long before T-Roy passed, I saw him in the “Puerto Rican” store (even though I’m sure it was owned by Dominicans, lol) and just remembered his smile. I can’t lie…I was wondering why he was smiling and speaking to ME, but that’s just how they ALL were. Raised right, given manners and respect and just all around good dudes. For his death to be announced not long after was enough to make you flop lifelessly in your seat and ask, “Why?”.**

Still…they pressed on. They made the album “Peaceful Journey” in his memory. (Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth later made, “They Reminisce Over You” which is still one of my fave hip hop joints to date.) As they continued making that music we LOVED to bump in the car…we loved and supported them. They pulled many along for the ride. Hev in many ways encouraged and mentored Diddy. My girl Tei gave me a link to an article Hev wrote about Diddy and it’s quite inspiring. Read “Believe in Ridiculous Dreams” here.

When I was on my way out the door on November 8th to run errands…the last thing I saw was an influx of posts on my Facebook ticker. I statused that I needed confirmation because we all know how the Internet does. When I got in the car, my mother turned on  98.7 Kiss and it was confirmed. At 44, Hev had begun his own Peaceful Journey. It was devastating…IS devastating. There’s no describing how or why it hurts…it just does. I spent the entire evening in tears…and it still brings tears to my eyes. Hev will be missed.

There will be services held in Mt. Vernon. The following link has all of the information for those interested. I don’t think I’ll be going. It would be hard to get in and I honestly think that this is a time for his family and close friends. I knew him…but, not like that…and I respect this time of mourning. I will be praying for his services that everything is blessed with PEACE and order. My condolences to the Myers Family.

My condolences to his fans as well…Mt. Vernon is inconsolable right now.

Remember Heavy D

My fave song…I can hear me and my bestie, Vikki singing this loudly along with the music in her car on the way to nowhere. lol

Dia Viente y Seis~ Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up On Life?

If so, when and why?

Well, I’ve been in a lot of life situations that left me listless. I’ve had moments where I questioned what my purpose was and if I was even a valuable presence in anyone’s life. I often say, that a person who never doubts themselves…is fooling themselves. Doubt is a necessary tool that keeps you humble and cautious (in it’s place). To doubt yourself everyday all day is not healthy, but a good dose of “hmm’s” is prescribed.

I was cleaning off my desktop when I found this in my file called, “Works In Progress”. Befitting, eh? Aren’t we all? Is anyone ever finished “being”? It was said that even the famous Mona Lisa wasn’t finished…but, I digress…badly. LOL Here’s what I found:

Oh yea?

That’s going to be my new go-to motto. “Oh Yea?”…because I just don’t know what to say anymore to anything going on around me. So funny…I’ve been said to be so smart…so cool a person…so sweet…so strong. Oh yea? I’m so smart…but, my common sense ducks and hides when met with emotional decision. I’m so cool…oh yea? Then why is it I can feel the feverish ire rise to my ears? I am sweet…but it isn’t all I am. I’m a lot of things. It takes many special and important components to equal THIS design of God’s, so I am never one thing all the time. I am so strong…usually for others. I can fight the battles of the underdog with a cape and lettered chest. I’ve got my super power on deck and my deflector cuffs shined and ready. Ask me how I deal with my OWN disappointment, heart break, frustration, confusion, fear and defeat? Someone else might say, “You’re strong Kali”…I ask, “oh yea? Really?”

Nothing can be more frustrating to me than being in the position to win and then losing. Or have it FEEL like I’m losing. To have been 2 steps ahead, gathering the tornado of strength from within and getting as far as the gate of the house…only to have that tap on the shoulder spin me around. Bags dropped. Resistance weakened…plan foiled. Yea the analogy is of one “leaving” but it can be as simple as having an issue arise, finding the solution, preparing for execution of a plan…only to have exhausted all of your energy and to be too tired to leave the gate.

I’m tired. I’ve taken on so many journeys and fights…and I’m not saying that I wont continue to fight. I’m just saying I’m tired. Perhaps that means that I need a break…a detour from the main road…and some solitude. Maybe I need to unpack and repack lighter…find my most lightweight things and get the rest of my supplies on the trip. All I know, is that as things stand, I find myself preparing a trip for one…and picking up “thumbers” along the way. No one is giving me gas money. I’m feeding these folks and going without. Driving with no help and damnit…my eyes are tired. I can’t see the map for shit…and clearly, somewhere between the nods and dozes while driving along…I ended up in the wrong fucking lane, city, state…and now, I’m further off course than I could’ve imagined. And guess what? When you’ve driven and fed and gased, basically financing their [ego] trip…they get out of your now raggedy ass hoopty…and wave bye. They’ve reached their destination (or the rest stop until they can hitch hike on someone else’s dime) and they could care less how you get to where you going. *sigh*

So, when someone is sitting around and saying how smart, cool, sweet and strong I am…I’m gonna say, “Oh yea?…wanna drive?”

I wrote that sometime ago…and when I re-read it…I remembered this challenge. When I saw today’s truth…I said, wow…this’ll work. Truth is…that the paragraph above is a mere drop in the bucket for how lost I’ve felt in this lifetime. There has been some very lonely and hopeless moments where I prayed for death. Where I asked God to come in and release me from the pain of failing life. That moment…was just that, a moment. I woke up and said, No. This isn’t how I’m supposed to be. This isn’t my purpose. My spirit, strong and fiery…refuses to be squelched. There is no way that my life is meant to end with an answered prayer of frustration. Losing my great-grandmother in ’91 and then my grandmother in last year…were the times when I most felt like dying. I also had that thought when I was in an abusive relationship. Like i said, my own spirit wouldn’t let me.

So…Yes. I’ve thought about it. No…I haven’t.