24~ I Apologize

Have you broken anyone’s heart?

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ve always been on the receiving end of bullshit. I didn’t take time out in my busy moments of dusting off the fuckas of past to see if someone’s heart got broken by me.

Anything is possible. Someone is probably swearing I did that shit to them. If so, I apologize. I go into each situation with an open heart and honesty. If I don’t like/love you…I don’t waste my time or yours. I don’t tell folks I love them and then go tell the next person that’s it’s all about them. I get no pleasures in gaming with folks’ hearts and lives.

Having said that…it’s quite possible that IN my honesty of, “No, I don’t see you that way…” that someone’s feelings could’ve gotten hurt. I think hurt feelings are a world away from a broken heart, but I can’t determine the scope of someone else’s disappointment, either.

To end this…I’ll post my FAVORITE song for this kind of occasion. I heard it some months back and it’s been in heavy rotation since.

“Message To You” by Claudette Ortiz…if I’ve every hurt you or broken your heart, I apologize…

Why Me?

In the past recent months, my dear sister friend has been frazzled by her break up. For the longest, she cried, contemplated life and God’s unfairness. I struggled with her…often fighting for her when her fight for self was nil. Not too long ago…she told me she was over him and I was in awe of those words. I don’t think I thought it would ever happen. Her turmoil was so deeply embedded within her psyche, heart and soul…I didn’t know if she’d EVER stop missing that dude. Then it came back and haunted her like it had never gone away.

One of the things she asks me all the time is, “Kiwi…how can he just move on and I can’t?” I often come up with a few answers. Most of the time, I tell her that I don’t believe he’s “moved on” like she thinks. When you break up with someone and never speak to them again…how can you ever be sure they HAVE moved on? Because they don’t call? That’s pride. Oh, you heard he’s got a woman? That’s called a distraction. Just because you haven’t heard hide nor hair of him in however long it’s been…doesn’t mean that he is over you, the relationship and doesn’t care. How can you ever really vouch for what someone else is feeling? See, men ARE visual and physical. So if theres another woman within stroking distance, he can temporarily forget the woman who has affected his heart for a millisecond. If that doesn’t work…he’ll get MORE chickies to fill the slot. Maybe, even just fall back on a female whose just a friend. Perhaps he HAS moved on because he was a bastard, a liar, manipulator and gamer and never felt feelings to begin with. So, where does that leave us? The women left behind in the wake of a shit tsunami? Well, you can either swim and get a little stank on you…or you can drown and swallow shit. Yea, graphic, huh? Well, that’s what it is. It’s a bunch of bullshit.

I can recall breaking it off with a cat…and he didn’t seem to be affected not one bit. He didn’t look back (at least not while I was going through it) to even see how I was. It hurt me that this dude once said he loved me on a daily basis only to find out that his words were baseless lines to perpetuate a lie. Until, one day…I saw him for the first time in over a YEAR. He looked at me and said, “WOW…you look so beautiful”. Well, I knew that already…lol…but he said something else that took me for a loop. He said, “You look like you don’t have a care in the world. You look stress-free…and I know that’s because “I” was the one adding stress to your life. I’m sorry for that.” You could’ve printed my face for a smiley template. Here I was, thinking this dude wasn’t at all affected by me…or sorry for his part in my heartbreak…and he comes along almost a year and a half after we broke off telling me this.

The thing is…that often people can be so preoccupied with protecting their own hearts, that they don’t realize they’re breaking yours in the process. Whether its, cheating to avoid intimacy…pushing you away to avoid pain…trying to replace their ex with you…whatever…it can all be an act of self-preservation. Not hearing from an ex, or having them say what you need to validate your feelings…doesn’t mean they’re cold, heartless people who must have never loved you. Some people are proud, oblivious, ignorant and selfishly afraid to the point, they’ll duck the feelings of accountability to avoid looking at themselves. As far as thinking that someone has moved on fast and left you in pain? Well, think of it like this. If they did, then its best. Rather they move on than to stick around shoveling bullshit onto your feet. If they haven’t moved on, but have left signs behind that they have…well that would be THEIR issue. They’re the ones who have to live with the fact, that though they may not be in your life they’ve chosen that out of pride. They’ll be the ones to live with any regrets they may have. On the other hand, all you can do is be true to your heart and get over things in your own time. Just remember, you can’t control anyone or anything but yourself. Accept that and you’re half-way to getting over the ex.

The 5 yr Philips Plan

*saying a Baby Jesus prayer*

(not MY TV in the pic)

Ok…I have been battling with my TV for a week. The picture has been going out. It starts blinking greens, reds and yellows and then cuts out with the sound. Its a 20″ Philips television, that I purchased for a little under $200 from Wal-Mart in December 2003. Upon moving to my current residence I found myself without a TV. I was in the process of a break up and had relinquished most of my possessions in the interim. So, when I got here…I told the ex…look fool, you pawned my beautiful 27″ TV and I need a TV. So, he gave me the money and I picked it up ASAP.

*fast forward 2008*

*insert dumbass look* —>Kiwi<— did NOT send in the warranty…or did I? Oh nevermind…because dude @ Philips Customer Service said that it wouldn't matter. It's been 5yrs so the warranty would've expired by now. On top of that the television is "dated". What the frazzled TV screen? My mother and sister have TWENTY and TEN year old televisions respectively. How the HEYELL does my Philips TV which is TURNING 5 in December has a shorter lifespan? He says (thinking I must be named Silly McDummy) that, "Well, ma'am…technology changes every 6 months or so…" So, I say, "Well, doesn't that mean it IMPROVES?" Or am I just being Crazy McBrainfart? If it changes constantly than shouldn't the wear be longer? Or is it that "plan" that someone told me about where the point is to keep people purchasing their products so they shorten the life expectancy?

Either way…I’m Angry McPissed because I basically have to figure out a way to replace the television if I EVER wanna watch TV in 2009. SHEESH Had I known Philips was hustling a 5yr plan to make me buy a new TV, I would’ve just gone to the pawn shop and bought back my old joint.