Word 14: Room

Room….

Something held my hands together…it could’ve been rope, or chains, or wire…I couldn’t tell though. It was the darkest dark where I was. The kind of dark that not a ray of light could penetrate…that even if the door opened…the hall leading to this room would be as dark. I was sitting in a chair that felt hard and cold…it must’ve been metal. It was cold and causing me to feel colder than it really was. I began wriggling my way free. The binds that bound me were looser than I thought.  I got my hands free after painfully yanking my hands in opposite directions repeatedly. It turned out, my restraints were barely tied and made of thin threads. I untied my feet and before long was feeling my way through the blackness. I walked and walked, looking for a piece of furniture, a door, a window…but, I seemingly walked for minutes upon minutes…what clearly turned into hours, with me stopping and resting on my knees. I tried each direction, hands outstretched…and nothing. No furniture…no windows…no doors…no walls.

NO WALLS! I was in a dark, vacuous space…nothing barring me…my own restraints, feeble and incompetent…my attempts to escape failing.

…and then I opened my eyes. 🙂

Dia Treinta~ A Letter To Self (Dear Me)

…tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself!

First…THANK YOU! Thank every person who read my month of truth and showed me unending support. THANK you for inspiring, being inspired, understanding, laughing and willing to learn more about me with an open heart. This challenge was sometimes fun and sometimes it was a pain in the ass. At times I didn’t want to reveal certain things. I DO believe that some shit just ain’t meant to be disclosed to an audience of many. So, thank you. For loving me past my truth and in spite of.

Now, the letter…

Dear Me,

I love you…more than I ever have. You’re quite the chick, you know that? You’re not too shabby…

I love that you’re growing at leaps and bounds. Owning your voice, your life, your love, your purpose. I love that you’re forgiving and nurturing…that in spite of “what others would do” you stand in the face of possible ridicule and heads shaking. “Kali, you’re better than me…” is a phrase you’ve come to embrace rather than cringe at. I mean, who wants to be known as the town pushover? No one…but, THAT is just IT…you know that it’s not about being a pushover, or gullible, or naive…it’s about owning your stride. It’s about harnessing your own power rather than give it away for another to dangle like a carrot at their whim. You GET IT! You get that life happens and that even though you may be a certain way…everyone’s not you. You get that everyone whose friend YOU are…may not be yours! You get that falling in love and being vulnerable isn’t STUPID…it’s LOVE. (I just heard Jill Scott’s “It’s Love” in my head).


I love you, girl. You’re smart but not pretentious. Fun but not a clown. Sweet but no fool. Strong but no bully. (I pretend to be but the truth is…do you). You kinda sorta maybe definitely know you’re pretty…but you’re not superficial. You know that you’re loved and yet you’re not afraid to face solitude. (LOVE my own company)


You’re humble. You’re honest. You have a child-like innocence, but you’re a realist. You don’t CARE what people say about how “inexperienced” you are because, ironically…with all people’s “experience”…they still somehow end up coming to YOU! (yea, I said that shit).


See! That right there! You’re back! You’ve grown into your spine and that’s a wonderful thing.

I’m proud of where I come from. My stock. My clan. My peoples…and I’m proud of who I am today. I know I’m God’s child and I know more than ever who he’s commissioned me to be. My legacy will not be televised…it will be told…from heart to heart…and I love that.


Love Always, from this life into the next…


Kween!

**peace to this challenge and onto the next**

Dia Viente y Nueve~ Something I Hope To Change About Myself…

…and why.

Not quite sure. There’s a lot of things that could use a little tweaking. In the beginning of this truth challenge…I mentioned my fear, but I do believe that I am learning to use that fear as a barometer for my decision making. I do think that I’m getting to a point in my life that anything that I thought was hard has become easier…not EASY, but easier.

I DO think I can work on my sensitivity. Not sure how to do it though. I want to be able to shake off hurts quicker. Who wants to be a gaping wound? I know I don’t. I wish that I could find the ability to be Rick James cold to some shit. I don’t want to be so “tender”.

Being a bleeding heart is a full time, exhausting and trying job. YES, it’s a job! A thankless one at that. I’m learning to curtail my desire to help EVERYONE. Some folks LIKE wallowing in dysfunction and being the whipping boy/girl. So many people love the attention that comes with being the victim and/or being the savior. I call it the “heroic victim syndrome”.  People who wear fragile capes of triumph, yet are always the ones who get hurt. I can’t imagine a life of never EVER being at fault. I try to be accountable for my place in every situation…even if it just means admitting that I did nothing in lieu of something. That’s another thing I need to work on. Discerning the act of quitting with the instinct of self-preservation. Sometimes you just have to jump ship instead of stagnantly floating amidst the debris.

So yea, those are some things I wanna work on…AM working on. Change is a core transformation. It’s a journey that begins with you and your higher power. It doesn’t happen overnight nor is it most successful when done out of expectation. REAL change is for you and shouldn’t have any roots in the need for outside validation. It is the essence of the butterfly…metamorphosis of the soul. I want to earn my wings. 🙂

I…

*I got this from Mahogany Dymond…looked like a good one*

I am not: anyone else

I hear: music

I regret: nothing…

I care: what people think too much

I always: think of others

I long to: find my place in the world

I feel alone: sometimes

I hide: what bothers me

I drive: myself nuts…lol

I sing: because it’s 2nd nature

I dance: for exercise

I write: round the clock

I breathe: the breath God gave

I play: online games to meditate

I miss: being held

I search: the life that belongs to me

I say: be accountable for your actions…be real

I feel: damned if i do…damned if i dont

I succeed(ed): being real all day long

I fail(ed): at a few things

I dream: of a good husband and a baby

I sleep: but I’m always awake

I wonder: about the future

I want: to contribute to society

I worry: about my loved ones

I have: the blessings of the Father

I give: til it hurts

I fight: ferociously for others

I am: a Kween

I can’t: be a pessimist

I stay: looking on the bright side

I will: be what no one could envision

I can: …period!

I would: save the world if I could

I might: just be an angel 😉

I like: cooking

I love: with all I have

I smile: because I cant help it

I frown: when I’m down

I read: what adds brain cells

I work: on me…