Wondermentals: I See You

“I see you…”

It’s something I’ve been saying for years now. It’s how I let those whom I come in contact with know that I can see their spirits…feel them to the core.

Since I was young, I could “see” people. I sensed a lot as a child and often got chastised for responding accordingly…even though it was seen as disrespect. Like the man who was married to a friend of my grandmother. I could smell the strange on him. As soon as he’d enter the room, I’d hide. I’d find a place to be other than around him. His smile was creepy and I couldn’t bear to let him touch me. Once, my grandmother sent me to her friend’s house for an hour or two. He asked me to come to him and I took off like a bolt! They couldn’t find me for the longest. I could hear them calling my name and getting worried that I’d left the house. Finally, my grandmother’s friend called me for the last time and I could sense she was worried. “Kali, please…he’s gone.” She knew I was afraid of him…and I believe she knew why. I came out of my hiding space…but, I begged my grandmother to NEVER send me there alone. Years later it would be discovered he was a child molester.

That’s how it’s always been. I see you. Even when you’re trying to hide your fears, insecurities, intentions, feelings… and secrets. So many have come and gone and colored me naive or clueless…but, I remain in people’s lives on God’s will and not theirs. People will never understand how I can KNOW a person has dubious intentions and still want to be around them and remain involved as a friend or otherwise. It’s because I know that no one is one thing only. I also understand that sometimes there’s much to learn. From them to me…and vice versa. To this day, I’ve regretted not one relationship or friendship because I know that I came out of it a better person, learning something in it that I didn’t know before. I’ve been to places because of people and grown leaps and bounds because of people. We’re a connective unit of souls. We thrive on the heat of spirit and the glue that is experience and bonding. Not one person has crossed my path that I haven’t learned from. I only hope that I’ve struck a positive nerve in others. I’ve lost many people in my life because they didn’t quite like what I saw. Sometimes your ability to see past what they’re portraying is too much. So be it…such is life. I hope it’s encouraged them to live truly and not in the bondage of fallacy.

What inspired this blog was that on Facebook, I scroll for minutes on end. I see the vague rants, the DIRECT rants, the turmoil and struggle, the joy and celebration, the judgment and hatred, the bitterness and cynicism. I see it all…I absorb most and discard the rest. It’s how I learn who is just my Facebook associate and who has the potential to be a lifelong confidante.  I see people pretend to be happy and hide behind the Bible. I see those who don’t yell their beliefs from the Internet’s mountaintop…yet, have the deepest, realest hearts. I’ve seen people claim to be a part of the Lord’s house and have nothing to say but surface, superficial idleness…bragging, boasting and preaching about how the masses can get what they’ve got…if only. I’ve seen those humbly speak to their Facebook family with love and true humility and are blessed immensely in family, friends, the comfort of a humble home and humbler income. I see so much. I see those with their huge vocabularies and small minds. Some with their hypocritical testimonies of love and second chances…and judge from lofty perches of intolerance from cliquish circles of like-minded friends.

I see a lot. The only thing that I try to do is to learn how to be and how not to be. I want to beam genuineness and earnest intention. I try hard not to use my worries and woes as a means to tear down others. I’m happy for new and seasoned lovers. I’m happy for new babies and homes. I tear up when I see pictures of people’s children who I’ve had the privilege to see grow into super kids from expectant bundles of joy.  I pray for those who seem to be on a twisted path. I pray for those on the RIGHT path…to continue onward to where they’re supposed to be. When people get raises, promotions, engagement rings, lose weight, gain degrees and find their purpose, I yell “YAY” with them. When they lose family or friends, get sick, lose hope and feel defeated…I whisper love and give them hugs as I stop in the middle of everything and pray. Do I care if they know? Nope. I surely don’t. I see how affected I am at others’ lives and wonder if anyone is remotely touched by mine.

What I see…is that as people…we’re ever-changing. We’re constantly revealing ourselves as we hide our fears. Concealing ourselves with conspicuous mantras. Some of us are faking it until we make it…some of us are doing the best we can to be the truest us.

Sight isn’t just ocular. It’s aural. It’s organic. It’s sensory. It’s innate. It’s something we can tap into…as long as we’re willing to see us as we’re viewing others. The best sense of sight is heightened in the acknowledgement that we are exactly what we’re viewing. Whether it’s in past tense, present or future tense or simply a small glimpse into what we could be if we let ourselves. We’re sharing a memory, an idea, a fear, a dream, a belief…when we stop and see someone. That second moment that we double back for understanding we’re speculating again, who it is they may be. It’s simply respect. Respect…re: again…spec: look. To look again. See them truly. See them and embrace them…as they are. It’s the most sought after kind of love and affection…that element in love that opens the door to deeper love. Acceptance of exactly who they are in that moment. No desire to change them into our own idea of what we want or need. Full on acceptance. Most people just want to be seen…

I see you. Do you see me?

Wondermentals: Love

This isn’t a poem. I’d say its more like…fragmented, random thoughts…

I wonder…
why cant it be simple?
love who we want
who wants US…
follow our hearts
to the desires they’re led by
be fulfilled in it
not just enveloped
left to suffocate in an illusion
why cant a man and a woman…
be in love
stay in love
close out the madness
the distraction
the greed
the jealousy
and close in on the joy
why cant the one you trust…
be trustworthy
is it too much to ask
for love to love you back
to take words
at their weight
meaning what they say
meaning more than they weigh?
why cant the simplicity
filter through perplexity?
sloughing off the hardness
giving way to a soft ease
a please
why cant it be…
that when love sets in
all walls tumble
and love humbles
fear’s rumbles
and two unify
to be…
*one love, one love…you’re lucky if you have just one*
if I had a wish
for love’s sake
I’d wish that
when love arrived
it would be invited in
once invited…
it would be hosted
with pleasure and thanks
once pleasured…
it would be nurtured
to grow and evolve
I’d wish for
us to be faithful to it
unafraid of it
truthful with it
I was just wondering…

Wondermentals: How Deep Is Your Love?

I don’t care if no one reads this but one…I need to say it.

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE? Nah, this ain’t no bimbo flow! *lol* I just love love. You can say I’m a hippie of sorts. The kind of person that offers love in place of conflict. Yea…that’s me. I believe in unconditional love…agape love. I do believe that as long as we’re in the human body and succumbing to fleshly desires, we can never TRULY love like God (agape)…but, we can try.

This love I speak of isn’t at all contained to romantic/spousal love. It’s friendship, its family…hell, it’s love for mankind. Even the ones you don’t see. I often say when praying, “God, bless all those who I know and love and those who I love and don’t know.” Love is the most powerful emotion and act in the world. It can transcend time, geography and circumstance. I believe it starts in the smallest gestures. A smile, a kind word, a helping hand. It begins with understanding and non-judgment. Seeing people in spirit before you see the shell. Putting aside cynical ideas, bad experiences and preconceived notions…to see a person at the core of them. To accept them flaws and all…knowing that we too, fall short.

What brought about this “rant”? Well, two things. One of my favorite couples…Rob and Dee, show me everyday that long distance love works. It may not work for EVERYONE, because it takes a special person willing to dedicate their heart to someone who isn’t physically there to reinforce the love. It takes two people being on the same page unafraid to focus solely on each other without fear that they’re missing out on something better. So cheers to them. Godspeed with everything they’re doing. Secondly…sitting here watching “Remember the Titans” and seeing how friendship crossed (and can cross) racial lines. Young men, who were so head strong about not getting along…finding brotherhood with one another, no matter the consequences.

Lastly…love also thrives off of respect. Love can dwindle and die the fastest when respect is absent. My friend, Joy asked a question not too long ago. What would you rather have…love or respect. I chose love…she chose respect. I understood why she’d choose respect. When you go through having someone you love, disrespect you…you of course crave that respect you’re lacking. I just prefer to have love. See, ONE…love for ME will create SELF-respect, which in turn begets respect from others. Then, by embodying what true spiritual love is…I can love whomever, whether they respect me or not. I can say, “I love you, anyway” and allow them the space they need to be who they are and be okay with who I am when I walk away.

There is no fear in love. When you love someone or are beginning to love someone and fear creeps up…HUSH that fear. FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. It is a figment of the imagination. A by-product of loss of control. Love takes vulnerability. The willingness to relinquish control. The ability to understand that true love, whether romantic, familial or friendship…is governed by God. The truest unconditional love is knowing that the blessing is in having loved at all. Having love to give and inspiring, encouraging, healing, believing, understanding and promoting LIFE…with your love.

How deep is YOUR love?

Wondermentals: Purpose

I woke up this morning…well, that’s FIRST! *thanking God for the morning* Ok, so…I woke up this morning at a little before 7am and began cleaning. (why? I don’t know!) Just tidying up from last night’s dinner. I decided to watch something instead of going back to sleep. I found an old tried and true fave, “Soul Food”. I was watching the part where Miles was telling Teri how he was going from being a full time lawyer to pursuing his music full time. Made me wonder about how a dream needs to be better supported from our mates and loved ones…but it was the scene at the club that got me wondering. It’s the scene were Miles’ group, Milestone (After 7, Babyface, K-Ci and JoJo) are singing the song Miles wrote and Teri’s cousin attends. Teri’s ass doesn’t…but anyway. Teri’s cousin Faith is telling Miles how good his stuff is. I guess they’re vibing artist to artist and she tells him of how much she loves to dance. She said that it was the thing she thought about all the time. That it “feels so damn good”. I felt that. I have seen this movie UMPTEEN times and yet I felt that statement like I was sitting in the movie theater for the 1st time. I actually felt tears sting the corners of my eyes.

I immediately thought of my love for writing. Then of course, I realized how badly I need to focus and begin making it work for me. Of course the next question was…what am I doing? I cried a little…wondering what is my life? Now, if you don’t know…I’m still in DC. On my godmom mission…watching my godson. His mom has been under extreme pressure and stress. She lives alone here in DC (the baby’s father isn’t here right now)…and she was cracking under the strain. She’s been so spoiled all of her life. Her own mom’s only child. Coming to DC to attend Howard several years ago was the plan…not to end up struggling here, alone at 26 with baby of almost 2. So…I look over at her and my godson, Syre asleep and in my own thoughts of doubt, it was like God stepped in and shut those doubts DOWN! “You’re here for a reason. Your life is NOT without cause or purpose. He’s placed you were you belong. You’re needed here!” I’ve seen how much happier Aly has been. How less stressed she is…knowing her son is with someone who’d care for him without expecting anything in return except for her to be alright. I laugh at how my godson does the things I do and says the things I say. I can’t take credit for it all…but, I’ll say he’s got some consistency in his world now.

I believe…that God has been constantly placing me where I am needed. Where I, too will learn and grow. Since I’ve been here I have become more and more conscious of my own needs and desires. Being a giver all of my life…I am learning how to receive. Aly and Syre have become parts of my life in a way I couldn’t have imagined before I decided to come here. To think I resisted…stubborn for change. Feeling like being out of my daily existence would cramp my style…not knowing how it would help me adapt to a new style. Since being here, I’ve met and hung out with a couple of friends who were once only voices on the phone. I’ve entertained a couple of friends here on Aly’s hospitality…and I’ve rediscovered the woman I am. I may not be exactly where I want…or where people looking in may think I need to be…but where I am, right here…right now…feels so damn good.