Word 5: One

One…

one by one…
each one was done
not one
saw me as the one
at least two
were the one for me
until we were no longer
and i was left alone
one
with no one
one was ashamed
worried about his name
one was insane
his pain
my blame
one lied long
lying to save face
in the face of wrong
the same one
that wrote me songs
but wouldn’t claim
where he belonged
one after the other
my oneness became pronounced
not one love working out
one by one…
each one
i thought was the one
found their one
with someone else
as i accepted myself
as one
meant for no one
i’ve come to see
that i may be one of many
whose lot is to stand alone
one woman
with no man
but with one love
for friends and clan
i often say,
“one day…”
but, deeply within
i feel my oneness
closing in
and that may just be okay

…one love

These Three Words

No.

They’re NOT “I love you”.
They’re, “I am sorry”
People rarely say these words anymore…and some who do…almost never mean them. How do I know? The behavior remains the same. There’s no effort to rectify the situation with corrected behavior.
Apology is affirmed through change of action. If someone says, “This hurts me” or better yet you’re convicted by your OWN behavior to feel remorse for hurting someone…it should behoove you to apologize. If by chance your apology is bullshit…to “keep the peace” or shut someone up…save it.
Insincere apologies are normally motivated by a desire to:
  • Not hear one’s own wrongful actions; being unable to withstand guilt
  • Not wanting someone to be angry at them (most assholes don’t like to be the bad guy…isn’t that ironic?)
  • Wanting to remain in control; emotional manipulation is as addictive to the manipulator as it can be to the softer mind of the manipulated
  • Not caring, but simply not wanting to argue
It’s shameful. As with my previous post…I stated that people often do wrong things but want a respect they hardly give. A lot of people feel entitled to a kind of respect and consideration they themselves have never been familiar with. I DO believe that there is a mental imbalance with someone who feels justifiable to use their emotions as a snare and yet will find a reason to be unreasonably angry with someone who in essence is NOT their problem.
On another note…why is it that some people feel better about forgiving the one whose done them the worst harm but NOT the person who they pretty much used as a scapegoat to deflect from being hurt at someone else? I noticed that behavior in a LOT of women. They’ll forgive a man for his slanderous, philandering and manipulative ways…but damn the women involved. How does that work exactly? I can’t imagine embracing the perpetrator and persecuting someone who was victim alongside myself. I’d sooner do away with BOTH people than to accept the person mostly responsible for causing the issue to begin with. If anything, I’d want to ban together and against that person to make sure they don’t win. Nothing is better than uniting and becoming comrades rather than to allow them to cause division. I guess that’s just me though. 
Having said that, some friendships need to stay dead, others need to start from scratch and then there are those who just require some rewiring and that’s all. It’s a wonderful thing to know which is which.
Either way…some people HATE to admit guilt and apologize for their own part in things.
NOTHING in your life is all someone else’s fault. Don’t get stuck on petty principles and then try and justify your inability to see the bigger picture all because you’ve decided to focus on a piece of a puzzle. Let go of that ONE thing that had you slipping…and tally up the total with objective eyes and heart. 
Also remember, that apologizing doesn’t always mean you’re admitting culpability. Sometimes, you just care enough about that connection and don’t wanna lose them. 
(Even though…if you’re always the one apologizing….you might wanna consider who your friends are)
This has been a message delivered by the Kween herself…my message deliverer is drunk behind the stables.
Peace!! 

The Punch Line: Emotional Abuse

No, there’s nothing funny about emotional abuse…but, the verbal lines…words, tirades, lies, etc…are the punches that scar and bruise far beneath the skin.

No punch, kick or slap hurts as much as feeling like nothing you do is good enough. Feeling like everything you do is wrong. Going from accountability for self to taking the blame for your abuser’s actions. Feeling like you DESERVE this treatment. Having someone tell you repeatedly with words, actions and coldness how it is YOU that is the problem and how lucky you are that they even love you. Feeling that this is all you’re ever going to get, because for some reason, when God made you…He skipped over you while doling out blessings.

Firstly, God’s will has always and will always supersede ours. We’re going where He’s taking us whether we get there in a straight line or a bundled scribble of deterred highways. What He’s given us…is free will. So, we’re in a situation sometimes longer than we need to be out of a number of reasons that stem from the biggest demon of them all…fear.

So, we need to remember that even though at times it feels like God has forgotten us…it is WE who have forgotten ourselves. We’ve forgotten that we’re born with the power to do many things and when we allow others to render us powerless it is by all means…a choice. Yes. Sounds harsh, maybe?

There are many times a day, while in a situation that we’re given an either/or. A yes/no. A live or die. I lived in an abusive relationship for almost 9 years…and I can recall SO many times when I had an opportunity to leave him. I had moments when I can remember making the better decision to be still and pray rather than argue and “prove” that I wasn’t weak to him. We hear those voices in our heads all of the time and sometimes they’re loud and sometimes they whisper, but they very rarely cease. The best that we can hope for is to be able to discern which voices are right and which ones are wrong. Normally, the voice telling you that you aren’t good enough…is a stone cold liar. Believe that voice and you might as well curl up and die, for you are no more earthly good when you’ve allowed anyone to convince you so cleverly that you’re nothing. What’s more? To convince you to convince YOURSELF, that you’re nothing.

WHY we endure these kinds of abusive relationships…whether it be friendships, familial, spousal/love or societal…has everything to do with us as much as the abuser. How we can release ourselves has everything to do with empowering ourselves with knowledge of what abuse is and understanding our own value and self-worth.

My sister, Joy in-boxed me this link and I believe it is VERY relevant to this month’s cause: Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

You also may want to read my blog written on my own personal experiences for this cause. Click here.

Here’s the link for Emotional Abuse.

Be good to YOU. You’re the blueprint for how others treat you.

Peace and Love…

Kween

It’s "RESEARCH"…

AS USUAL…a lot of my inspiration for blogs comes from convos with my sistar circle. I swear, Joy needs to be my co-author on this here Kaleidoscope…lol.

We were talking and talking…and laughing and stuff…and we got to talking on what I affectionately call “researching”.

Y’all know what it is. When you’re in a relationship or in the beginning stages of one and you follow dude’s trail to see what’s what. (Don’t get it twisted…I’ve found out that a LOT of men “research”, too).

I think in this day and age of cyber-hook ups and e-cheating…when a woman or man sees something suspicious looking, it’s smart to “research”. Some call it being “nosy”, “paranoid”, “insecure”, etc…but, sometimes you need to make sure that your instincts are just THAT and NOT the former adjectives of dysfunction. I’ve heard folks say, “Well, if you have to ask you already know the question…” but that’s not always the case. Sometimes, we’re just used to what’s been given and it’s not as clear as a bell. I believe that dating via internet has changed the dynamic of how we view information as it relates to intuition and feelings. It’s almost commonplace for a person to Google or do a background check on their intended.

In my last relationship, I remember that I saw a lot of things that didn’t sit well with me. I’m a patient person so a lot of the small things got cataloged in my mental archive for a later date. Being the informational sponge that I am, my interest was piqued. Sometimes, I wonder if it was JUST love that made me stick around or the ending to the story. *blame the writer in me for that one*…Things that were said to me, scenarios presented, people shrugged off as “nothing to worry about”…were later excavated for “research”.

Some shit is simple. You see a dude doing you wrong…you just go ahead and take it for face value…but, it’s not always that simple. When you’re getting to know someone, you take them at their word until they show you differently. (At least that’s how I operate) When he says that’s his cousin, his best friend forever, his childhood buddy…O_O…you say, “Okay…well, tell me more…”

If once you inquire within for more info and his or her story becomes suspiciously fictitious…then, you may “research”. For me, it was hearing him tell me that one chick was from his old neighborhood and a family friend…yet, every chance she got…she eluded to them being a couple. She seemed to be joking and other times dead serious…but, still one more subtle declaration. I could see her being the type to sing that stupid ass Mokenstef song, “He’s mine…you may have had once but I have him all the time…”. Yea, that’s a dumb ass song. ANYWAYS…she clearly wouldn’t let up. Even befriended me on MySpace. I KNOW that chick could see all the looooove I left him, but she pretended to believe what he had to have been telling her. “She’s just my friend…and co-host” *__*

Eventually, I ended up on her blog (she began following me and I subsequently followed her back in an attempt to take her for what he said she was) and then one day I saw it. BIG OLE “I LOVE Blankety Blank”. He said it was a friendly love. I say fuck that…friends don’t swoon when you sing to them…but, alas…he was jackass #1 for lying and I was jackass #2 for remaining as long as I did in that non-relationship. I knew better though…so I continued to “research”. Between their lovey-dovey comments and that “inside track” I had on his doings…I ended things. For a few months anyway. (Stupid is as stupid was) When I finally ended it…it was NOT because of the “childhood friend”…but, because of the “chick that he didn’t know”. He denied that woman until he couldn’t any longer…and now, they’ve got a child together. Wow…what a way to not know someone, right? LOL

I recount this to kinda lead up to something. I as a woman, have intuition…and truthfully, it’s a very STRONG intuition. Sometimes bordering on psychic. Yet, when you try telling people around you such things you get pigeon-holed. Remember the adjectives above? I became, “nosy”, “paranoid”, “insecure”and my FAVORITE…a stalker.  Nah, never that…but, when I’m lied to I feel the gloves come off. I can prove my shit…because liars…especially self-proclaimed intellectual ones, tend to fuck up on arrogance alone. They pride themselves on being 3 steps ahead. I’m from the school of, “I ain’t gotta say shit…but watch me”. I don’t have to reveal my “research”. I APPLY my “research”. I take nothing for granted when it comes to meeting people on and off the internet. If a person isn’t online, then my other senses heighten. I LISTEN to what’s being said and to what’s NOT being said…and see actions. *ooooh ACTIONS, remember ACTIONS?*

For instance…One cat rolled up on me in the supermarket. Stood and talked to me while I waited for a cab. Wanted to go out with me and such. Gave me his number. At the point I’m at NOW after ALL of the shenanigans and “research” and using such info and confirmed events to verify my gut…it doesn’t take long to ferret out the assholes. My past “research” skills paid off in spades in so many ways. The supermarket cat never made it to a first date. Why?

~ He could never keep a promise to call
~ He asked me out via text (no…you will  NOT e-woo me)
~ When I decided to GIVE him a chance in SPITE of the text woo…he still fell short. Didn’t respond on time and THEN asked me to come to his house for our first “date”. HELL NO!! I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I might bring some mofos to case yo shit and rob you blind…God KNOWS what you’ll do to ME!
~ When I brought these points to his attention…his answer was quite trite. “I’m not a phone person and I’m a homebody”.

That may have been true enough…but, the truth for ME is that…I deserve to be wooed. I deserve a DATE. I didn’t care if we met and had coffee and dessert. I didn’t care if we hung out at a park and got hot dogs…but, me kicking it in your home without knowing you is no way to woo a lady. I could see that becoming the norm and to me that is just another form of “hiding” a woman. Nope. Not I.

I didn’t need to “research” that. The red flags were there. He claims he wasn’t married, but something was afoot.  I simply learned to trust my gut. To do the minimal research and not invest time in a bottomed out market.

I learned through all of that “research” that every feeling I had about a situation was right. It ended right where I suspected it would…in a pile of bullshit.

LADIES and GENTS…in this day and age…do NOT be afraid to “research”. You see that dude on your girl’s page that ALWAYS has lustful comments and she never puts him in his place…don’t be surprised if you find out about an inbox-affair. Ladies, you see that chick that looks like if she could lie down in your man’s lap…she would…but, she can’t even acknowledge you on a post…yea, she might be an issue. I ain’t tryna start no shit, but come now…we’re adults. If you’re in a committed relationship…you LOVE this person…this is your future, potentially…you’re not going to let man, woman, dog nor cat…disrespect or give your significant other the impression that there’s more to the connection than it really is. I found out…that if something bothers you and you TELL your love that it does, they should move on it. Immediately. Don’t ask me if I’m tripping. Don’t tell me I’m insecure. If I bring something to your attention…handle that. A real woman will understand and step to the side and be happy for you. A dude who is “just a friend” will not start throwing out disrespectful comments about your chick if he’s not interested. We all know when a new love is on the scene. Pay attention. It’s right there to be seen. Otherwise, you gonna make me do some “research” on your ass.

What? It’s for scientific purposes!!! 😉

“If you tell someone that something hurts you and they do nothing to change their behavior…they don’t CARE about you…” ~Madea

Memoir Madness

Recently, I began writing my “memoirs”. I kinda hate that word. It’s too fancy. I’m just writing ’bout my life. lol

I’ve been writing this for about a month and I am not chronicling the entirety of my 39yrs…just a portion of it. The only thing is…that I’ve had to take a step back at least twice. Once I began writing about this specific time in my life…all of the memories (wait…I just saw the word memoir in memories *DING!*) …began flooding in. The deluge of these mental frames has me dreaming vividly…graphically...about that time and the people in it.

~sigh~

I’m reconsidering this particular trip down memory lane. I have come so far in the way of forgiving those involved in that time of my life, but SHIT…the dreams are killing my sleep. I remember a time when I couldn’t get to sleep (my trauma laughing in the face of my Narcoleptic disorder) due to the fears related to abuse from a past relationship. Try FINALLY drifting off to sleep after hours of sitting alone in the dark like O__O only to dream that someone is coming for you violently where you sleep. Yea…I went from O__O to -___- to @__@…

Then you have the feelings…yea…THOSE feelings. Remembering the love and chemistry between yourself and someone who brought you pain. It’s like reliving it all over again. Feeling the love, the fear, the lust, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the relief, the abandonment, the fear again. It doesn’t help that the story spans TWO significant loves.

I look back at what I’ve experienced and shake my head in laughter at those whom think I’ve never been through anything. MAN…you have NO damn idea!! The glory in my story is that I don’t use my past pains for sympathy, attention and pity. I don’t wear it on my sleeve like a bad patch. I’m the kind of person who refuses to give a person the kind of power that renders me immobile. I dare not give over control of my life to someone who was too weak to power drive their OWN life’s ship. Someone whose weakness made them feel that alienating someone and abusing them was the only way to keep someone around. I say it to friends and I’ve said it to myself as a reminder…if you believe in God, then you have to know that God is Love and through Him, love is limitless. Even though it feels like you’ll never love, trust or be okay again when heartbreak has taken it’s toll…you can. All you have to do is know that love did not originate nor does it solely reside in the person who was the object of your affections. The love we have in others starts with God and then through us. Self love.

I feel like this story needs to be written. I’ll vaguely say that the story is dealing with the domestic abuse I endured. I wrote about some of it during Domestic Violence month one year. I know that testimonies are only testimonies because they’re told. Being able to say what you’ve been through and that you’ve survived is a blessing that is best shared. I just hope that when I REALLY get down to the details that make this story what I need it to be, that I don’t lose too much sleep doing it.

Kween of What?

My love tree just keeps growing…and growing…and growing 🙂

Firstly…HI!!!

I know it’s been a long time! I haven’t been blogging a lot. Life has been dictating that so I’m not really sorry…just missed you guys!

I just gotta tell you. I love the way life shows you what you need to see. Over and over again, I am shown things even when I’m second-guessing myself. I’ve got great instincts and a lot of empath and psychic energy. I feel a lot and often say, “Nah…stop thinking too much Kiwi”. Mostly because for a long time when I’d SHARE these things, people would say that. “You’re thinking too much girl…” I should know better than to question myself but from time to time, I do. So God be doing things…moving things…proving things. I get it, Lord…I get it.

I’d been reflecting recently on everything around me. My friends, my family and my lack of love life which really isn’t a lack of love…just a male symbol of love…because I’m in a love affair with myself. I dig me. I date me. I seduce me. I flirt with me. I tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m im’poe’tant. LOL

Don’t get me wrong…a girl misses the niceties and novelty beauty of love, but I’m so happy just being able to say I’m blessed…that I don’t dwell on it often. I have my moments when I get lonely for a good hug, kiss, cheek stroke or *ahem* “stroking”…but, that’s human. As long as we’re in this skin, we’ll crave or at least consider…needing someone else.

I learned recently that my blessons (blessed lessons) are vast and deep. I’ve learned the art of love and loss…the art of friendship and loss…and the never to be mastered “art” of losing family. Every day my heart aches for my grandmother, but I know how she was. She was a Cancer woman of much sass, love, outspokenness and grace. She embodied the “mother” trait and often at times could be a walking contradiction. I can hear her saying, “Baby Love…don’t worry about grandma…I’m fine. You worry about you! Go out and make me some great-grand babies. Make em pretty, too!” I don’t think I’m having babies, grandma…but, I think I’ve got the worrying about ME part down…FINALLY!

I love the fact that losing past loves didn’t make me this hateful, inconsiderate, bitter person. I still lavish in all things love and have a deep affinity for couples in love and babies with their parents. After the initial breaking up with past dudes, after long…I’m remembering them at the pinnacle of our connection with fondness and smiles. I’ve learned that the ART of forgiveness is steeped deeply in the art of self. It’s for me. MY freedom, peace and future happiness. Who they are and what they do is solely between them and their God.

I’ve also learned that in spite of how time passes, there are people who were once my best friends and sole confidantes will always reside tucked sweetly in my soul. There…in the spaces between hi’s and bye’s…are albums of mental pictures of things we did together, recorded audio of phone convos that go back and forth between salacious, silly and serious…and always…always…LOVE.

Once I’m bonded with you…nothing but death can keep me from loving you. Nothing but the most heinous of crimes could keep me from still thinking of you as I remember you best.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I once considered renaming myself. Taking the Kween of Love name away from my Twitter and giving myself something more realistic to how my life is. I mean, folks be coming to me for advice and support on things I don’t even possess true experience on. I have no kids. I have no man in this moment. I’ve got both my parents (Thank you God for each day you renew us in) and honestly…I’m not a party person, a sex nympho or anything.  What I realized the other day that people come to me, not because I’m an expert. They come to me because I am an observer. I am a pure lover…and because they TRUST me. Isn’t that beautiful? To be trusted with someone’s daily life troubles and concerns on the strength of love for you and yours for them. That’s a blessing.

Like I said…I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. Some gaps need to be closed in on, others are fine as they are. Every gap isn’t an obstacle…sometimes, it’s for your own safety. This ONE gap though…it’s not working. A bridge needs to be rebuilt…even if only so that it’s there and not because it will be used right away.

Baby steps, Kween of Love…Baby steps 🙂

The "List"

Well, well, well…looky what we have here! While cleaning my room (to move to another space) I found “the list”. Hand-written on 5×7″ college-ruled paper…about *counting*… 6 of those pages long (only front, no back)…in black roller ball ink.

I’d been mulling over “love” and it’s fascinating parts. Those wonderful and agonizing parts, that make it something people either want with their last breath or hate to think about with their entire being. Having been through my fair share of “debacles” I honestly had been talking to myself aloud about how I was going to focus on ME again. Get back to ME…and learn how to live a life full of family and friends…blessings, triumphs and reversals…and more blessings. I wasn’t going to let any man looking to “conquer the Kween” love down my sentries again until it felt indisputably right. I think with all of my past involvements, there was always some sense of, “Ugh…do I even like this dude?” in the beginning. I had to be won over…chased and tackled damn near, instead of a slow chase with sure signs of love amiss. I believe that the guy for me will win me over almost immediately. THAT is how I will know it’s him, because with EACH guy I’ve fallen for…there was always some sense of dislike for him immediately and THEN he got me. Even if I didn’t dislike him per se…it was more like I spotted something that would come between us, ignored it eventually…only to be reminded of that very thing later as the relationship died.

Anywho…I’ve decided to share this list with you all. Perhaps, I found it for a reason. We’ll see ;)…don’t be shy…tell me what you think about it (It’s not in any particular order; except that first one):

  • God-fearing
  • Independent
  • Sociable
  • Honest
  • Over Past Loves
  • Perseveres (?) lol
  • A leader who knows when to follow (lol, clearly my kween tendencies kicking in)
  • Motivated
  • Dedicated
  • “Normal” relationship with mom (must respect her)
  • No addictions
  • Non-possessive
  • Patient
  • Established financially (or well on his way)…(funny how I compromised this in the past)
  • Ambitious
  • Handsome
  • Well-groomed
  • Tall
  • Knows how to please me
  • He must compliment me, NOT complete me
  • My dreams must be as important to him as his are [to me]
  • A love maker…not a sex addict
  • NO LONG TERM SCREWING AROUND!
  • Loves music, poetry and art
  • We can duet together <—I'm over this
  • We should be each other’s best friend
  • I must like him, like I love him
  • Tender Kisses that I can feel deep in my soul
  • Must not feel the need to be searching elsewhere for something more
  • Satisfied with home ^^^
  • No one more than 10 years older and 5 years younger <—broke THAT rule in half
  • Non-argumentative (for sport, I mean)
  • Someone who will see his soul in my eyes; I can look in his and see mine
  • He must have his own life; I cannot and will not be his be all to end all and likewise
  • Someone who loves my smile
  • Snazzy dresser (giggling at the word snazzy)
  • Money-wise
  • Spends quality time with me
  • Non-smoker
  • Moderate drinker
  • Healthy man, free from infection (oh so serious and yet, that made me giggle)
  • His family will love me like their own and vice versa
  • SPARKS MUST FLY AS SOON AS I SEE HIM
  • Someone who won’t mind pursuing me
  • Someone who will be appreciative of me
  • Loves to read
  • Sweet nature
  • Serious when necessary, silly when we want to be
  • Loves to cuddle
  • Neat and clean but not anal (again with the giggles)
  • Creative
  • Not afraid to commit
  • Single – no married, involved or engaged men
  • If divorced, must be totally emotionally detached from ex (would appreciate financial, physical, spiritual and mentally as well)
  • If he has kids, must be responsible but must know how to prioritize me and any family we have
  • Monogamous
  • Must make toes curl and eyes light up (clearly, I was looking for sparks of all kinds, lol)
  • Respectful
  • Warm & Sensitive
  • Strong
  • Enduring
  • Humorous
  • Has a business mind
  • Well-educated
  • Good listener
  • Responsible
  • Considerate & thoughtful
  • Not afraid to communicate
  • Non-controlling
  • Not abusive (on ANY level)
  • Loyal (damn I was repeating myself, lol)
  • Fair-minded
  • Logical
  • Not afraid to show emotions
  • Sexual but not perverse
  • Respects my sexuality
  • Willing to compromise
  • Secure in his masculinity
  • Ethical/Moral
  • Wonderful provider
  • Protective
  • Fun conversationalist
  • Spontaneous
  • Adventurous
  • Loves me for me
  • Spiritual, but not fanatically <—-broke this one, too
  • Humble
  • SANE!!!
  • Generous
  • Sensual
  • Romantic
  • Loves knowledge and how to acquire it

So, there ya go. Excuse the redundancy in certain areas…clearly there are things that stick out to me and matter to me more than other things. A lot has changed and I can say a lot of this stuff is negotiable with me…some isn’t.

So, what do you think of my list and have you ever made one of your own? Do you think they work or are necessary? Are we boxed in by these types of things?

Looking Back to Move Forward

~sigh~

It’s interesting that my current state of introspection coincides with the new year. For me, it has less to do with the actual chronological year as it does the series of events that have taken place up til now. This shit could’ve happened in the middle of summer and I’d be tapping my fingers and scratching my head.

I had a lot of fun in 2011 and a little pain. I honestly think I had more fun than pain.  It just so happens that the pain ended the year. No biggie…I’m made from strong stuff and therefore I am resilient. I’ve learned something that is hard for me…that some people don’t deserve entry into our lives. Persistence is not always persistence….but, annoying determination. Some people only persist for the challenge and not the actual desire to be close to you. I often forget that most people’s intentions are never as honest or forthcoming as my own. Lesson learned.

In this year…2011 brought healing to special people in my life. My cousin is almost 100% cancer-free and my sister~friend IS 100% cancer-free. I have others in my life that struggled with their health but I believe in prayer and miracles. I found out a friend of mine from high school succumbed to cancer a few years ago and I was heartbroken. I dreamed of her and another friend for years…often feeling something wasn’t right. One, I touched based with on Facebook a few years ago and her health has turned around tremendously…while the other, whom I could never find…passed without my even knowing…before I could see how life had treated her.

Rest In Peace, Autumn...

I’ve learned that sometimes my kindness IS weakness. I need to remember that while I’m mindlessly bonding and enjoying the people I meet…some people are simply figuring out what they can gain from me. I’ve got to keep my eyes as open as my heart is and in turn close my mind to some things. Yes, I said CLOSE MY MIND. I jokingly say to my sista Joy that I don’t think outside of the box because there IS NO box for me…but, perhaps I need to sit a little box nearby for the discarding of things…or perhaps as a treasure keeper…just to remind me of what’s at stake. What can be lost. Perhaps then…my perspective will be less abstract and more logical. Less optimistic and more opportunistic. I try to be of this world but not IN it…trying to keep myself from being swept up in the ideals and expectations of society…but, sometimes I’ve got to be honest with myself and acknowledge that there are many who do live that credo and therefore box me in whether I want to be or not. As an artist, I’m constantly fighting to be free to be me…but at times, that fight leaves me alienated.

Everything from how I think, to how I speak, to how I look…determines what’s drawn to me. The good and the bad. I can’t disregard what’s bad just because I’d rather see the good. There are times when assholes will filter in and it’s up to me to put up the force field of protection to keep them from embedding themselves into me like a parasite underneath the skin.

This year has been a blessing in so many ways. I bonded with someone that I didn’t expect in a million years. My girl Tei came out of nowhere and stole my friendship heart. She’s become an intricate piece of fabric in my chosen family quilt. I’ve got a handful of wonderful people in my life who have had my back throughout it all. Whether I speak to them everyday or not…they love me and give me their all. As my ex loved to say, “Fair exchange is no robbery”.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. I said recently to my mom that everyday…EVERY day that we wake up is a new year because we saw this day last year. 2012 is a new year for the calendars…but it’s just another day for me to get it right. For me to be closer to achieving the full circle lessons and being blessed to level up and be that much more on the right path to divine purpose.

God bless you all…I’ve loved you from the start…I’ll love you ’til the end.

Happy New Years!!!

Love, Thee Kween 🙂

And In Conclusion…

…I think that I’ve finally wrapped my mind around the fact that relationships aren’t for me.

I’ve championed the cause of love for years…and honestly, I still do believe that love is there for others. I just don’t think that there’s a man out there for me.

Ever felt this way? NOTHING works out? Not the up close and personal tries…not the long-distance Internet tries…nothing. I’m either a magnet for Lotharios who live proudly in the life of lying and manipulating or the ones who start out with bachelor tendencies and settle down with the NEXT chick. (Starting to feel like “Good Luck Charlie“).

I’ve decided that the life I have is enough…

Well, technically…for so long (save moments of wanderlust and yearning in the quiet of my own life) I’ve been by myself. I haven’t been in an on-going “relationship” since 2002. I’ve spent the last 9 years dating, falling in love with a couple of guys online and more or less being skimmed over by Cupid’s dastardly bow. There’s no other way to put it then that the problem HAS to be me.

I’m not taking blame for the liars, cheaters, manipulators, or fuck-offs. I’m simply saying that I understand the dynamic of relationships enough to know that “folks ain’t just picking on me”. There’s clearly a lesson I’m lacking to learn here and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life learning it if I don’t go back into my “spiritual lab” and reconfigure some chemical atoms that make up my combustive love life.

I’ve GOT to be doing something wrong y’all…so, I’ve decided a few things:

~> No more flirting online or off. Flirting gets you into trouble…especially when you’ve gone so long between relationships. The fiery enthralling of flirtatious fervor can make your lady parts burn with desire…and your brain cells burn out from the shit that comes with it. So, go ‘head…nothing to see here.

~> NO more online friendships with men are to be initiated or welcomed. I have a couple of guy friends whom I care for and the truth is…we’re better off as friends. Neither of them have ever expressed a desire to be with me and though we’ve probably had some minor chemistry at one point…we’ve elected mutually to have our friendship and be okay with it. If you’re not already down with “thee crown”…that’s it. Sorry…can’t help ya.

~> Continue on the BEAUTIFUL path of self-love, friend and familial love I’d been on earlier in the summer of 2011 before I became “distracted”. I was feeling my freedom and digging my heels into finally being over the ex for going on a year or more…and I don’t think I basked in that enough.

~> Follow my gut. I have my own standards and they are mine. My friends have theirs. I can’t be convinced to “give anyone a chance” when everything is screaming no. If my instincts say no, follow them. I can’t pacify friends and family so they feel like I’m not settling on loneliness. I actually ENJOY my dang company. Those who REALLY know me, know that I will disappear for a few days and it’ll have NOTHING to do with being sad or depressed. I’m somewhere singing at the top of my lungs, writing, watching movies and being some kinda creative. 🙂

It’s not that I’m giving up. I know it seems that way…but the truth is that, I’m accepting the stumbles as a clue to have a seat…a fancy seat…a THRONE. Once I do that…maybe…JUST maybe…God will seat my king beside me without my even realizing that’s what He was doing.

For now…Love…I’ll have to admire you from afar in the arms of lovers passing. ~blows kisses~

Child, Please…

I was a child once…we all were. (Some of us still are, but that’s another blog) We’ve all been there with new eyes, spirit and perceptions. Our parents, our first impression of “God” and the guidance we get from them. Even at times we felt abandoned (as sometimes humans do when they feel their prayers aren’t answered) when our parents didn’t measure up. We’ve all experienced a sense of being young and lost. Either way…childhood is something to be preserved and enjoyed. No child should feel like they’ve exchanged roles with their parents and are caretakers, mediators or examples in their tender age.

Yet, that’s what happens when adults acting like children allow their break up to affect their sense of reason and sacrifice as a parental unit. You shouldn’t pretend that there isn’t anything wrong…but, it shouldn’t feel like the battle of all battles when you and your ex step in a room. Your child shouldn’t feel like the prize in a tug-of-war.

QUIT USING CHILDREN AS GET BACK! PAWNS! LEVERAGE! QUIT IT…RIGHT NOW!!!

HOW do you know (just in case you’re THAT damned oblivious) that you’re using your kid as a pawn?

  • You ask your child questions about your ex’s activity. Including, but not limited to…who they’re seeing, where they go, what they say about YOU, etc.
  • You bar your ex from seeing their child (if you’re a custodial parent) for no other reason than they either didn’t want YOUR ass, didn’t comply with some petty request or you just “felt like it”. Your child should NOT have to suffer because you’re being a bratty child yourself. Didn’t get what you wanted out of the relationship?…too bad. What you DID get is a beautiful child who has a right to see and experience BOTH of their parents…unless your ex is a pedophile, criminal or has missed more visits with them than they’ve kept. (That kind of inconsistency can be heartbreaking)
  • You teach your child to lie. You do this when you make up reasons [in front of them] for them not being able to see your ex. When you lie [in front of them] about why. When you tell your child things to sway their affections. BAD mom/dad…BAD BAD mom/dad!

These are just a few…but, you get it.

I know of a few different scenarios where people have/are used/using their children as pawns:

`A man whose ex-wife is so vindictive that her actions can only be deemed as evil. From trumped up charges of harassment, calling him crazy which required psych evaluation, keeping his son from him for months at a time while actively harassing him and his new girlfriend with phone calls and emails. She’s also exhibited signs that she wants him back…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to have him. She’s even taken to dressing like his current girlfriend even though his girl’s style has never been his ex-wife’s style. O__O

`A woman whose husband refuses to divorce her, but is fighting for custody of their child. What kind of ass backward, shaken baby syndrome, fuckshit is that? How don’t you want to let someone go, but want to take the child you share? I’ll tell you…he’s fucking PSYCHO! He wants her in some twisted way, yet because he knows she doesn’t want HIM…he tortures her with the one thing he can. The marriage. Her desire to be free by name and law. Their daughter is just a pawn. I’m all but 100% certain this man has traumatized their daughter with his barrage of questions about where her mother is, who she’s with, if she’s dating, etc. All of this while training their child to “blame” her for everything that’s wrong. Absolutely disgusting, I tell you.

`I also have a friend whose child’s mother is SO hung up on what they DIDN’T have (in spite of her being married for several years) that she’s been plotting with her husband to steal his rights. All he wants is to be a father…and she’s so twisted she can’t nor does she care to see that.

PEOPLE!!! Get your life right. I am honestly taken aback by the selfishness of jilted and angry adults who refuse to see that the children should be the focus of their lives. How the moment you brought children into the world, it was no longer ALL about YOU! Whatever didn’t go wrong with your ex, whatever it is you think they’ve done wrong…the children deserve the best possible environment you can give them. If you have to wear a straight face, so the baby can see daddy…so be it. Cry in your bed later for missing him…but, for goodness sake…don’t not answer his calls. The baby will grow up and be a resentful adult and you WILL be blamed.

Child, PLEASE