These Three Words

No.

They’re NOT “I love you”.
They’re, “I am sorry”
People rarely say these words anymore…and some who do…almost never mean them. How do I know? The behavior remains the same. There’s no effort to rectify the situation with corrected behavior.
Apology is affirmed through change of action. If someone says, “This hurts me” or better yet you’re convicted by your OWN behavior to feel remorse for hurting someone…it should behoove you to apologize. If by chance your apology is bullshit…to “keep the peace” or shut someone up…save it.
Insincere apologies are normally motivated by a desire to:
  • Not hear one’s own wrongful actions; being unable to withstand guilt
  • Not wanting someone to be angry at them (most assholes don’t like to be the bad guy…isn’t that ironic?)
  • Wanting to remain in control; emotional manipulation is as addictive to the manipulator as it can be to the softer mind of the manipulated
  • Not caring, but simply not wanting to argue
It’s shameful. As with my previous post…I stated that people often do wrong things but want a respect they hardly give. A lot of people feel entitled to a kind of respect and consideration they themselves have never been familiar with. I DO believe that there is a mental imbalance with someone who feels justifiable to use their emotions as a snare and yet will find a reason to be unreasonably angry with someone who in essence is NOT their problem.
On another note…why is it that some people feel better about forgiving the one whose done them the worst harm but NOT the person who they pretty much used as a scapegoat to deflect from being hurt at someone else? I noticed that behavior in a LOT of women. They’ll forgive a man for his slanderous, philandering and manipulative ways…but damn the women involved. How does that work exactly? I can’t imagine embracing the perpetrator and persecuting someone who was victim alongside myself. I’d sooner do away with BOTH people than to accept the person mostly responsible for causing the issue to begin with. If anything, I’d want to ban together and against that person to make sure they don’t win. Nothing is better than uniting and becoming comrades rather than to allow them to cause division. I guess that’s just me though. 
Having said that, some friendships need to stay dead, others need to start from scratch and then there are those who just require some rewiring and that’s all. It’s a wonderful thing to know which is which.
Either way…some people HATE to admit guilt and apologize for their own part in things.
NOTHING in your life is all someone else’s fault. Don’t get stuck on petty principles and then try and justify your inability to see the bigger picture all because you’ve decided to focus on a piece of a puzzle. Let go of that ONE thing that had you slipping…and tally up the total with objective eyes and heart. 
Also remember, that apologizing doesn’t always mean you’re admitting culpability. Sometimes, you just care enough about that connection and don’t wanna lose them. 
(Even though…if you’re always the one apologizing….you might wanna consider who your friends are)
This has been a message delivered by the Kween herself…my message deliverer is drunk behind the stables.
Peace!! 

9~ Different Than Before

Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)

The 1st love and I had become estranged. I won’t go into details…but, I’ll say it was my very first experience of a friend’s betrayal with my love. For the longest time afterward I spoke to neither of them…and to be fair, when I decided to forgive one…I forgave BOTH. (Although, the friendship between chick and I was never quite restored. Hey, neither was mine and his!)

I was home. Sitting my little sister and a young lady from the church family we were a part of at the time. My sister had been told numerous times to NOT let dude in, but she had a soft spot for him just like I did. The doorbell rang and even though I KNOW my sister told the young lady (her name was Mo) that I didn’t wanna talk to this cat…they both still let him up the stairs.

There I was in the kitchen and when I peeked past the door (thinking I heard his voice in the house) there he was…

~sigh~

Fine as ever…

::FUCK::

I threw on my straightest face possible and asked what he was doing there. That I still didn’t want to discuss anything with him. He practically begged me to take a walk with him back home. He wanted to talk to me and apologize…he just didn’t want to do it with the youngins around. I caved. I didn’t want them hearing either…besides…my mother didn’t like people in her house when she wasn’t around. I was 18, so I had to do what she asked.

I told the girls I’d be back…and off he and I went. We walked the short block to his apt. Turned out, his mom and sis had moved and all but a few things the place was empty. He was about to move into a room, but had a key still.

As I sat on the old freezer he stood between my legs as they dangled and begged me to forgive him. He said sorry a lot…and honestly he rarely ever apologized. This was new. ::pause::

For the record…he and I had a sexual relationship that didn’t span the intense emotions of passion and lovemaking. We had sex…up to this point. I knew the difference the moment he kissed me in a way he never had… >>play>>

He kissed me and held my face. I felt like crying and I’m sure he could tell. He took my hand and led me to the back room. There…he kissed me. He gently unbuttoned my shirt as he kissed my neck. (another tidbit of info…as youngins…we rarely were ever full-on buck-it naked. There was always SOME article of clothing remaining) He fully unclothed me and laid me down. He undressed and laid with me…touching, kissing, holding me…sweetly.

(another tidbit [I hope he doesn’t read this and kill me, lol] …we used the rhythm method. He always pulled out)

…not this time. THIS time…he and I stroked back and forth into and onto each other with a passion I hadn’t quite felt from him. Him deeeeeep in me as I straddled and let him apologize. When it was time to pull out…he didn’t. He held me tightly and that shocked the hell outta me. We laid there…naked…until we fell asleep. I actually awoke to him watching TV and it being dark outside. He apologized some more and wanted me to stay…but, I couldn’t. I had to go check on the two chicks I left home.

From that point on, our time together had more meaning than it had before…until it was no more.