7~ Deep As A Puddle

Have you ever been deeply in love? Explain

Yes…and no.

I was deeply in love with my first. The kind of love that could close out the other people in a crowded room. Often, people would disperse slowly to our oblivion and we’d find ourselves alone in a room loud with our stares and smiles. (I wonder if he remembers that the way I do) Either way, we were a synchronized rhythm of learning, giggles and touch…and I felt like I’d always be in love with him…

I was deeply in love with my ex of 8 1/2 yrs. The one with whom I had an abusive relationship. In the beginning and at the end…things were the most tender. The way he wouldn’t let go at night while we slept and how I awoke often to him staring at me (not as creepy as it sounds). How he’d kiss me awake…and take care of me when I was sick. We laughed at almost everything and honestly, we had a very psychic relationship. I have stories of him hearing my thoughts and him SWEARING I was talking when I knew I hadn’t opened my mouth. I was in love, until I realized that love doesn’t hurt…

I was deeply in love with the radio dude. His voice was medicine for whatever ailed me and I just knew that his love would always be there. Silly as hell…we laughed many a night away when our asses should’ve been asleep. He challenged me to grow past my self-induced lines and fears. Mainly due to him, I became less shy and eventually had my own short-lived show online. Our decidedly different views on life, love, family and friendship…always seemed to come together. He the wings, me the anchor…and often switching roles when necessary. Younger than me chronologically…I often felt like he was older, hence my name for him “Papa Pea”(see, two peas in a  pod). I was in love…until I realized that love don’t lie.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been deepest in love with them all for different reasons. They all represented different phases of my spiritual understanding. I was in love for the first time, the worst time and the most recent time…with all I had. I’ve never given less.  Some might say that I couldn’t have been deeply in love so many times…but, I believe that my blessing to love others is the most beautiful and deepest thing about me…

10 Things, 3am and OTHER random shit

For SOME God-forsaken reason…the 3-5 hours are my “insomnia” hours. I almost instinctively awake at 3am…Usually, I’d watch General Hospital’s repeat on SOAPnet, but the service is out because we’re switching to another. Instead…I sit here tip tapping away NO o’clock in the morning with a mind on a speed that would make most dizzy.

10 is my favorite number. *laughing at a private joke about the Illuminati* ~shaking that off~ SEE…you probably have NO clue where my mind is, but about one or two others will get it…that’s if they’re on nighthawk time…

ANYWHO…it’s my fave number for a few reasons. It’s an even number and the OCD in me likes even things. My birthday is on the 10th of the month. I’m a 73 baby (do the math) and I’m presently 37 (I KNOW…I look GOOD don’t I? *jealous huh?* HAHA…I kid…I kid. I have a few other reasons, but hey…you already probably think I’m a little special…so I’ll keep some fantasy in our relationship. 😉

On with the 10 things…maybe…

10 things pissing me off (yes…I’m an Angry Black Kween right now…but, I think it’s a good look for me) 

10. LIARS
9. HYPOCRITES
8. USERS
7. Folks who feel entitled to YOUR shit…wtf?
6. DUMB bishes who THINK they know you and DON’T (mental note taken, to stay to self)
5. The pure and utter bullshittity (thanks Wizzy) of a SUPERVISOR who knows less than ME! O_O
4. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR…ASK for what you want, what you want to know…or SAY the shit…I’m not giving clues
3. Don’t ask me shit and then tell me I’m wrong…WHY DID YOU ASK?
2. WEAK spirited folks…but wait, I can almost deal with a weak spirit…just not one who PRETENDS to be strong (fuckouttahereyo)
1. LIARS!!!

Now, don’t think that I’m all anger and no management. LOL I’m expressing and venting so as not to implode. This is an exercise of relaxing, relating and releasing…and then T.D. Jakes shuffling through my day! So here’s 10 more things…

10 things I feel GREAT about…

10. SHELTER in the dead of winter
9. FOOD in a hungry country (Yes, the U.S. is surprisingly STARVING at a growing rate)
8. Working limbs, mind, and senses
7. God-given gifts (i.e. singing, drawing, writing, LOVING, seeing spirit over flesh)
6. FAMILIA…yea, so WHAT they fell off an almond tree, but they’re MINE!
5. The wonder that is my godchild…Syre
4. FRIENDS…they’re the family God gave me the sense to choose.
3. The ability to know I’m blessed, pray, and praise…it’s all HIM anyway!
2. Pepsi. LOL No seriously…I’m addicted and if I don’t have it…I get the shakes.
1. LIFE…the life that is breathed into me with grace and beneficence every time I awake in this mere shell. To shake off those 10 things that piss me off and cause me to cuss and lose sight momentarily of my divine being and purpose in this life. Using my OWN life as a living testimony to give inspiration and receive it from those who impact me as well. Making a LIAR out of circumstances and saying to self…You are BLESSED. *insert T.D Jakes shuffle*

Now? I can sleep…Good morning! 😉

~I love you~

Random Like a MUG!!

I just realized that at after 8 on this Sunday…I DIDN’T BLOG YET! LAWD. LOL.

This 30 blogs in 30 days is proving to be quite the challenge. I seriously don’t know what to say today. I especially am low on energy and productive thought because I am full off of mashed potatoes and corn. My attention span is short too…because…well, I’m watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I love this show…even though I end up a puddle of mush at the end, crying and thanking God for the things I take for granted…it’s a no-misser. Something about seeing how they enrich the lives of people struggling. Creating a space where people who for the most part are in service of others…get to have some folks come in and grant a few wishes for THEM.

Oh, I know…I’ll post the song that I sang in church when I was a teenager. This song helped me through so many rough times. The days I thought I might not make it…I’d sing this song and remind myself that no matter how alone I felt….God was gonna work it out for me. Tell me what helped you make it. Whether a song, a book, a hobby, a place, a thing…whatever. What has reminded you of your blessings time and again?

For The Good Of Them (Album Version) – Rev. Milton Brunson & The Thompson Community Singers