Deflecting the Reflecting


I started and restarted this blog a couple of times. I was gonna write on some ole boring shit…work cliques, to spin off the blog about the bus gang my mother rides with. *smdh* I was going to write about something funny…then something intellectual. I just can’t. I’m talking around the real issues that I’m dealing with daily nowadays.

In the past I was VERY reluctant to speak on a personal tone. I’m sensitive and I don’t like justifying or excusing away my life or my feelings…so rather than open up my wounds for the salt rubbing…I didn’t blog ME. I sit in awe of the ladies and gentleman who managed to put a personable side to their entries. Allowing us all a glimpse into human behavior and condition…if only long enough to make it ok to be normal…or not.

Lately, I’ve been trying to repress feelings of hurt and betrayal and disgust by putting a smile on my face. It was me trying to deal with the situation with class and dignity…believing if I didn’t show a bit of emotion, that I’d be ok. The reality of it is that I’m pissed. I’m hurt. I’m confused and I’m tired. I’ve always tried to be the strong one. For family and friends alike, I’ve always tried to be the cooler head and breath logic and calm into crisis and chaos. Being strong takes strength…and that strength comes from being replenished. Thank God, that I thank God and not man for that…because if I had to depend on MAN to make me stronger I’d melt into the floor.

I decided a while ago, that I’d be more personable. Bring more of ME into my blogs. Not just my intellect, humor, perspective and kiwi swagger *wink* but, the vulnerable side to me. The frailty of me and how at times no matter how much I know…that I too get lost. That I am capable of doing rash things in order to make sense of pain…and that I make mistakes. I want people to always see ALL of me and not the pieces of me that are nice and sweet. I want people to know that I can be a bitch. That I can be a brat. That even I have hypocritical ways. Yes, I too say one thing at times and do another. Anyone who feels like they never exhibit negative traits gets a hearty laugh from me. We all at one time or another place ourselves above a situation and aren’t willing to admit when we’re wrong. I’m no angel, but damnit if I don’t try to be above board at all times…so, when I’ve been done wrong…especially unnecessarily, it bothers me. I spend a long time working it out in my head for my own understanding. I know that I will prevail. I always do. I’ve been through worse…and my faith in God and my own strength have been the valiant horse that I’ve ridden into the sunset. Yippee Kai Yay &#*@!

So basically, I’m no longer deflecting from what’s really going on with me. I too bleed and hurt…and YES I can do all of that with the same class and style it takes to be reserved. ALWAYS a kween of the highest order.

*curtsying*

What Do You Deserve?

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately and a lot of people are having the same problem. The running theme through a lot of these blogs are about situations in peoples lives or being at a point in their lives where they feel unfulfilled. I ask myself everyday if the life that I’m living is the one I deserve. I know how people say, “Oh…Well, I do THIS for people and THAT for people…so, why do I suffer?” But, the question is…do we CHOOSE to suffer? Do we find ourselves in seemingly no win situations and accept it? Or do we really have no choice (considering all options have been weighed).

Are we grounded by fear? Fear of change? Fear of loneliness? Fear of perception? Are we afraid that if we move from this spot that we’ll lose our seat? That we’ll go off in search of other things and find out that the grass wasn’t even grass…but rough Astroturf only to return to where we came from and find the spot filled. Do we fear that going off into a frontier undiscovered, that we’ll fall victim to it’s environment and fall flat on our faces?

I hear people say all of the time, that they’d rather try and potentially fail than to never try and remain a failure for sure. Venturing out and going beyond your comfort zone is supposed to be a good thing. Seeing and learning and coming into yourself is what people strive for. It’s what brings us that one step closer to God’s purpose for us…so why the fear? Again…I ask. If you (meaning people…mainly self) are afraid to move forward out of fear…what is it that you deserve?