Thank You…Goodnight!

I do believe the era of the Kaleidoscope has come to an end. I’ve been blogging since 2006, when I signed up for a now defunct site called Y360 or Yahoo 360. I’ve met a LOT of my current circle from that site and have grown from all of the experiences that I’ve been blessed to see and survive. I just am not as into blogging as I once was. I feel at times repetitious and unoriginal and that’s never been me. I’d prefer to leave it as it is and take my last kween’s nod.

I will keep the poetry blog open. Though I haven’t written a poem in ages…poetry for me, simply can not be “done”. It’s an art and that sometimes means that it comes when it wants. Passion’s Fruit (the erotica site) may not be long behind the Kaleidoscope. We’ll see. I want to get onto the business of finishing projects and blogging or the responsibility of feeling like I should blog…isn’t helping. We all know that things get shut down/deactivated and are reactivated at a later date. Maybe that’s in this blog’s future…maybe not.

For now, I’d like to thank ALL of my readers and followers for all of your support and encouragement.

As of August 1st, 2012…I will close the Kaleidoscope to the public. The Kaleidoscope’s Facebook page however…will remain open as it is a forum for public thought and opinion as well as a vehicle for promotion. I do like to share OTHER people’s endeavors…so it will remain active for that purpose.

Again…Thank you. I love you…Good night.

It’s "RESEARCH"…

AS USUAL…a lot of my inspiration for blogs comes from convos with my sistar circle. I swear, Joy needs to be my co-author on this here Kaleidoscope…lol.

We were talking and talking…and laughing and stuff…and we got to talking on what I affectionately call “researching”.

Y’all know what it is. When you’re in a relationship or in the beginning stages of one and you follow dude’s trail to see what’s what. (Don’t get it twisted…I’ve found out that a LOT of men “research”, too).

I think in this day and age of cyber-hook ups and e-cheating…when a woman or man sees something suspicious looking, it’s smart to “research”. Some call it being “nosy”, “paranoid”, “insecure”, etc…but, sometimes you need to make sure that your instincts are just THAT and NOT the former adjectives of dysfunction. I’ve heard folks say, “Well, if you have to ask you already know the question…” but that’s not always the case. Sometimes, we’re just used to what’s been given and it’s not as clear as a bell. I believe that dating via internet has changed the dynamic of how we view information as it relates to intuition and feelings. It’s almost commonplace for a person to Google or do a background check on their intended.

In my last relationship, I remember that I saw a lot of things that didn’t sit well with me. I’m a patient person so a lot of the small things got cataloged in my mental archive for a later date. Being the informational sponge that I am, my interest was piqued. Sometimes, I wonder if it was JUST love that made me stick around or the ending to the story. *blame the writer in me for that one*…Things that were said to me, scenarios presented, people shrugged off as “nothing to worry about”…were later excavated for “research”.

Some shit is simple. You see a dude doing you wrong…you just go ahead and take it for face value…but, it’s not always that simple. When you’re getting to know someone, you take them at their word until they show you differently. (At least that’s how I operate) When he says that’s his cousin, his best friend forever, his childhood buddy…O_O…you say, “Okay…well, tell me more…”

If once you inquire within for more info and his or her story becomes suspiciously fictitious…then, you may “research”. For me, it was hearing him tell me that one chick was from his old neighborhood and a family friend…yet, every chance she got…she eluded to them being a couple. She seemed to be joking and other times dead serious…but, still one more subtle declaration. I could see her being the type to sing that stupid ass Mokenstef song, “He’s mine…you may have had once but I have him all the time…”. Yea, that’s a dumb ass song. ANYWAYS…she clearly wouldn’t let up. Even befriended me on MySpace. I KNOW that chick could see all the looooove I left him, but she pretended to believe what he had to have been telling her. “She’s just my friend…and co-host” *__*

Eventually, I ended up on her blog (she began following me and I subsequently followed her back in an attempt to take her for what he said she was) and then one day I saw it. BIG OLE “I LOVE Blankety Blank”. He said it was a friendly love. I say fuck that…friends don’t swoon when you sing to them…but, alas…he was jackass #1 for lying and I was jackass #2 for remaining as long as I did in that non-relationship. I knew better though…so I continued to “research”. Between their lovey-dovey comments and that “inside track” I had on his doings…I ended things. For a few months anyway. (Stupid is as stupid was) When I finally ended it…it was NOT because of the “childhood friend”…but, because of the “chick that he didn’t know”. He denied that woman until he couldn’t any longer…and now, they’ve got a child together. Wow…what a way to not know someone, right? LOL

I recount this to kinda lead up to something. I as a woman, have intuition…and truthfully, it’s a very STRONG intuition. Sometimes bordering on psychic. Yet, when you try telling people around you such things you get pigeon-holed. Remember the adjectives above? I became, “nosy”, “paranoid”, “insecure”and my FAVORITE…a stalker.  Nah, never that…but, when I’m lied to I feel the gloves come off. I can prove my shit…because liars…especially self-proclaimed intellectual ones, tend to fuck up on arrogance alone. They pride themselves on being 3 steps ahead. I’m from the school of, “I ain’t gotta say shit…but watch me”. I don’t have to reveal my “research”. I APPLY my “research”. I take nothing for granted when it comes to meeting people on and off the internet. If a person isn’t online, then my other senses heighten. I LISTEN to what’s being said and to what’s NOT being said…and see actions. *ooooh ACTIONS, remember ACTIONS?*

For instance…One cat rolled up on me in the supermarket. Stood and talked to me while I waited for a cab. Wanted to go out with me and such. Gave me his number. At the point I’m at NOW after ALL of the shenanigans and “research” and using such info and confirmed events to verify my gut…it doesn’t take long to ferret out the assholes. My past “research” skills paid off in spades in so many ways. The supermarket cat never made it to a first date. Why?

~ He could never keep a promise to call
~ He asked me out via text (no…you will  NOT e-woo me)
~ When I decided to GIVE him a chance in SPITE of the text woo…he still fell short. Didn’t respond on time and THEN asked me to come to his house for our first “date”. HELL NO!! I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I might bring some mofos to case yo shit and rob you blind…God KNOWS what you’ll do to ME!
~ When I brought these points to his attention…his answer was quite trite. “I’m not a phone person and I’m a homebody”.

That may have been true enough…but, the truth for ME is that…I deserve to be wooed. I deserve a DATE. I didn’t care if we met and had coffee and dessert. I didn’t care if we hung out at a park and got hot dogs…but, me kicking it in your home without knowing you is no way to woo a lady. I could see that becoming the norm and to me that is just another form of “hiding” a woman. Nope. Not I.

I didn’t need to “research” that. The red flags were there. He claims he wasn’t married, but something was afoot.  I simply learned to trust my gut. To do the minimal research and not invest time in a bottomed out market.

I learned through all of that “research” that every feeling I had about a situation was right. It ended right where I suspected it would…in a pile of bullshit.

LADIES and GENTS…in this day and age…do NOT be afraid to “research”. You see that dude on your girl’s page that ALWAYS has lustful comments and she never puts him in his place…don’t be surprised if you find out about an inbox-affair. Ladies, you see that chick that looks like if she could lie down in your man’s lap…she would…but, she can’t even acknowledge you on a post…yea, she might be an issue. I ain’t tryna start no shit, but come now…we’re adults. If you’re in a committed relationship…you LOVE this person…this is your future, potentially…you’re not going to let man, woman, dog nor cat…disrespect or give your significant other the impression that there’s more to the connection than it really is. I found out…that if something bothers you and you TELL your love that it does, they should move on it. Immediately. Don’t ask me if I’m tripping. Don’t tell me I’m insecure. If I bring something to your attention…handle that. A real woman will understand and step to the side and be happy for you. A dude who is “just a friend” will not start throwing out disrespectful comments about your chick if he’s not interested. We all know when a new love is on the scene. Pay attention. It’s right there to be seen. Otherwise, you gonna make me do some “research” on your ass.

What? It’s for scientific purposes!!! 😉

“If you tell someone that something hurts you and they do nothing to change their behavior…they don’t CARE about you…” ~Madea

Wondermentals: I See You

“I see you…”

It’s something I’ve been saying for years now. It’s how I let those whom I come in contact with know that I can see their spirits…feel them to the core.

Since I was young, I could “see” people. I sensed a lot as a child and often got chastised for responding accordingly…even though it was seen as disrespect. Like the man who was married to a friend of my grandmother. I could smell the strange on him. As soon as he’d enter the room, I’d hide. I’d find a place to be other than around him. His smile was creepy and I couldn’t bear to let him touch me. Once, my grandmother sent me to her friend’s house for an hour or two. He asked me to come to him and I took off like a bolt! They couldn’t find me for the longest. I could hear them calling my name and getting worried that I’d left the house. Finally, my grandmother’s friend called me for the last time and I could sense she was worried. “Kali, please…he’s gone.” She knew I was afraid of him…and I believe she knew why. I came out of my hiding space…but, I begged my grandmother to NEVER send me there alone. Years later it would be discovered he was a child molester.

That’s how it’s always been. I see you. Even when you’re trying to hide your fears, insecurities, intentions, feelings… and secrets. So many have come and gone and colored me naive or clueless…but, I remain in people’s lives on God’s will and not theirs. People will never understand how I can KNOW a person has dubious intentions and still want to be around them and remain involved as a friend or otherwise. It’s because I know that no one is one thing only. I also understand that sometimes there’s much to learn. From them to me…and vice versa. To this day, I’ve regretted not one relationship or friendship because I know that I came out of it a better person, learning something in it that I didn’t know before. I’ve been to places because of people and grown leaps and bounds because of people. We’re a connective unit of souls. We thrive on the heat of spirit and the glue that is experience and bonding. Not one person has crossed my path that I haven’t learned from. I only hope that I’ve struck a positive nerve in others. I’ve lost many people in my life because they didn’t quite like what I saw. Sometimes your ability to see past what they’re portraying is too much. So be it…such is life. I hope it’s encouraged them to live truly and not in the bondage of fallacy.

What inspired this blog was that on Facebook, I scroll for minutes on end. I see the vague rants, the DIRECT rants, the turmoil and struggle, the joy and celebration, the judgment and hatred, the bitterness and cynicism. I see it all…I absorb most and discard the rest. It’s how I learn who is just my Facebook associate and who has the potential to be a lifelong confidante.  I see people pretend to be happy and hide behind the Bible. I see those who don’t yell their beliefs from the Internet’s mountaintop…yet, have the deepest, realest hearts. I’ve seen people claim to be a part of the Lord’s house and have nothing to say but surface, superficial idleness…bragging, boasting and preaching about how the masses can get what they’ve got…if only. I’ve seen those humbly speak to their Facebook family with love and true humility and are blessed immensely in family, friends, the comfort of a humble home and humbler income. I see so much. I see those with their huge vocabularies and small minds. Some with their hypocritical testimonies of love and second chances…and judge from lofty perches of intolerance from cliquish circles of like-minded friends.

I see a lot. The only thing that I try to do is to learn how to be and how not to be. I want to beam genuineness and earnest intention. I try hard not to use my worries and woes as a means to tear down others. I’m happy for new and seasoned lovers. I’m happy for new babies and homes. I tear up when I see pictures of people’s children who I’ve had the privilege to see grow into super kids from expectant bundles of joy.  I pray for those who seem to be on a twisted path. I pray for those on the RIGHT path…to continue onward to where they’re supposed to be. When people get raises, promotions, engagement rings, lose weight, gain degrees and find their purpose, I yell “YAY” with them. When they lose family or friends, get sick, lose hope and feel defeated…I whisper love and give them hugs as I stop in the middle of everything and pray. Do I care if they know? Nope. I surely don’t. I see how affected I am at others’ lives and wonder if anyone is remotely touched by mine.

What I see…is that as people…we’re ever-changing. We’re constantly revealing ourselves as we hide our fears. Concealing ourselves with conspicuous mantras. Some of us are faking it until we make it…some of us are doing the best we can to be the truest us.

Sight isn’t just ocular. It’s aural. It’s organic. It’s sensory. It’s innate. It’s something we can tap into…as long as we’re willing to see us as we’re viewing others. The best sense of sight is heightened in the acknowledgement that we are exactly what we’re viewing. Whether it’s in past tense, present or future tense or simply a small glimpse into what we could be if we let ourselves. We’re sharing a memory, an idea, a fear, a dream, a belief…when we stop and see someone. That second moment that we double back for understanding we’re speculating again, who it is they may be. It’s simply respect. Respect…re: again…spec: look. To look again. See them truly. See them and embrace them…as they are. It’s the most sought after kind of love and affection…that element in love that opens the door to deeper love. Acceptance of exactly who they are in that moment. No desire to change them into our own idea of what we want or need. Full on acceptance. Most people just want to be seen…

I see you. Do you see me?

Memoir Madness

Recently, I began writing my “memoirs”. I kinda hate that word. It’s too fancy. I’m just writing ’bout my life. lol

I’ve been writing this for about a month and I am not chronicling the entirety of my 39yrs…just a portion of it. The only thing is…that I’ve had to take a step back at least twice. Once I began writing about this specific time in my life…all of the memories (wait…I just saw the word memoir in memories *DING!*) …began flooding in. The deluge of these mental frames has me dreaming vividly…graphically...about that time and the people in it.

~sigh~

I’m reconsidering this particular trip down memory lane. I have come so far in the way of forgiving those involved in that time of my life, but SHIT…the dreams are killing my sleep. I remember a time when I couldn’t get to sleep (my trauma laughing in the face of my Narcoleptic disorder) due to the fears related to abuse from a past relationship. Try FINALLY drifting off to sleep after hours of sitting alone in the dark like O__O only to dream that someone is coming for you violently where you sleep. Yea…I went from O__O to -___- to @__@…

Then you have the feelings…yea…THOSE feelings. Remembering the love and chemistry between yourself and someone who brought you pain. It’s like reliving it all over again. Feeling the love, the fear, the lust, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the relief, the abandonment, the fear again. It doesn’t help that the story spans TWO significant loves.

I look back at what I’ve experienced and shake my head in laughter at those whom think I’ve never been through anything. MAN…you have NO damn idea!! The glory in my story is that I don’t use my past pains for sympathy, attention and pity. I don’t wear it on my sleeve like a bad patch. I’m the kind of person who refuses to give a person the kind of power that renders me immobile. I dare not give over control of my life to someone who was too weak to power drive their OWN life’s ship. Someone whose weakness made them feel that alienating someone and abusing them was the only way to keep someone around. I say it to friends and I’ve said it to myself as a reminder…if you believe in God, then you have to know that God is Love and through Him, love is limitless. Even though it feels like you’ll never love, trust or be okay again when heartbreak has taken it’s toll…you can. All you have to do is know that love did not originate nor does it solely reside in the person who was the object of your affections. The love we have in others starts with God and then through us. Self love.

I feel like this story needs to be written. I’ll vaguely say that the story is dealing with the domestic abuse I endured. I wrote about some of it during Domestic Violence month one year. I know that testimonies are only testimonies because they’re told. Being able to say what you’ve been through and that you’ve survived is a blessing that is best shared. I just hope that when I REALLY get down to the details that make this story what I need it to be, that I don’t lose too much sleep doing it.

Where to Next?

I’ve been on the internet for about 7yrs strong. Before that, I knew nothing about chat rooms, blogs, etc. I was on the net (via AOL) just existing in IM’s with loved ones and distant friends and the occasional game.

By 2006, I was on Myspace and then a Yahoo site called 360. Soon after, I’d get pages on Multiply, Facebook, Twitter, tumblr and a few others that are now either defunct or have been overshadowed by the internet titans. lol

Yahoo 360 brought me a LOT of cool people. From there, I learned about online talk shows, blogging, picture sharing, and learned to share my writing and poetry. Due to Yahoo 360, I’ve been a talk show co-host, a blogger with my own little following, fallen in love and tripped out of it…and found SO many beautiful women that I call sister. In 2008 I visited Alabama and Philadelphia. I didn’t have to go far to meet a few of my girls, because they’re from NY and NJ. By 2009, I’d graced DC with my presence (meeting a couple of people but not HALF of whom I wanted to), because I was helping with my godson. Just last year in 2011, I met another sistar when she came to NJ/NY from NC. How we met is nothing short of awkward (for the average), but we made the best out of a painful situation. I’ve had some really cool experiences.  A couple of those friendships are no longer. In one instance it was hard…the other not so much. Either way, I’ve had a good time meeting people who I’ve met online and spent time talking to on the phone, IM’s, statuses and blogs.

Just last week, I met my sistar Dee from Illinois. I met her on Multiply when she was dating a friend on my list. He introduced us all to her and eventually, we became sistars. We’d been talking for the longest while she dated him…but, the true closeness came about after they’d broken up. After that it was a done deal and we officially became confidantes.

The view from our room…1414

When she said she wanted to go to Boston to see Phil Perry in concert, I was like, “Okay…that sounds nice…” and then she said, “I want you to come, too!” I was stoked and said yes immediately. I had my issues with the traveling, due to the Narcolepsy…but, I knew I could do it. I have family in Boston and was pleased to see a couple of my cousins while there. They were so sweet and made sure that I got to the hotel safely. That was a blessing all in itself to know that I wasn’t “flying blind”.

We had a so much fun together. Friday night in Boston kicked off with Phil Perry’s stellar performance. After that, we retired to the room we were staying in at the Doubletree and used the rest of the evening to talk, laugh and solidify our sisterly bond. The next day, we hopped a shuttle bus and ended up on a boat ride across the river. It was such a beautiful day. The breeze was gorgeous and I conquered a fear of boats. We had to leave the next day so besides the boat ride, the picture-taking and dinner…we had to prepare.

Coming back across the river

The weekend, however short…was well worth any travel snafus either of us encountered coming and going. I had so much fun and was very happy to have been able to say I’ve met yet ANOTHER sweet and generous soul that I call friend. I pray that I get to meet all of those who have been and are a significant part of my everyday online existence. God willing, I’ll meet everyone and put to bed the assumption that you can’t find true friends or trust people over the Internet. My best friends are from this thing…and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

So, Whose got next?