Well, I already buried my grandmother…and even though the little grand-baby in me doesn’t want to face it, there is a strong possibility that in the future I will say goodbye to another.
I don’t want to have to bury either of parents…but, such is the cycle of life that we’re supposed to bury our parents…I fear this with every ounce of me.
I can’t imagine being parent-less. I can’t imagine talking to doctors and making life-changing decisions concerning my mother or father. I don’t want to arrange a funeral/memorial. I don’t want to look down at their “earth suits” and have to remember them instead of HAVE them.
I don’t want to bury not NARE ‘nother family member or friend!
YES…YES, I GET IT! I knoooow! I KNOOOW!!!!! I know that’s not realistic. ::pause for a sob::
Shit happens. Life ends. I just can’t lose another person right now or no time soon. I know it’s selfish, but I’d rather it be me than anyone I cherish. I’m not saying my life is less important…but, everyone I know has a child or a dependent of some kind…they’re needed. I am childless and though I know my family and friends love me…need me, even…my logic is that they’ll miss me, but not as much as the most significant people in their lives…like their babies. Their mates.
I know, the logic is screwy…but, I’m a punk when it comes to this. Maybe this is the grief talking. It’ll be a year on March 2nd, 2011 that my grandmother has been gone. Perhaps if this is asked of me a year from now, my perspective will change and become something frivolous. I’d rather it be something else right now…but, it’s the thing I dread the most.
That’s my truth today…