The Thirtieth Day…

…your proudest day to date

Hmmm…

MY proudest day…because y’all know I thought of everyone BUT me at first. I though of Syre and my mom and even the day my dad became sober…but, I think I’ll champion myself.

I can’t pinpoint an exact day, but the DAY itself was in the making. The day I decided to take on someone else as a “manager”. I’d been making 1,000 excuses about how much I needed to get done BEFORE doing anything with my writing and even with Fancy Face…but, I quit bullshitting and started taking the bull by the horns.

I allowed a friend of mind to set me up on a self-publishing site and put my work out there as a STAND ALONE project and I’m glad I did. Not because it’s selling like hotcakes (because it’s a free download), but because it’s conditioning me for being OUT there.

I find myself encouraging, marketing, inspiring everyone else while my own talents flounder in a dry place. I’ve grown tired of the rut I’ve been in and am ready to color outside the lines. I THINK outside the lines, LOVE outside the lines, GIVE outside the lines…but, rarely had I stepped outside of those lines for my own benefit.

I’m growing prouder of myself by the day. The woman I’m becoming at 40 is something of a splendid thing to see. I know there’s going to be more proud days and I’m ready. I really am.

The Twenty Seventh Day…

…a day in your life (explain an average day of yours)

Well, this is easy! (FINALLY!!)

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been home on rest. I almost tore my meniscus and am now in Physical Therapy until I can return to work…

I normally begin the day with the push of a button. My Keurig Vue is my baby. lol I got it for Christmas from mom and I LOVE it! I make my coffee and kick around with thoughts of breakfast. I’ve had the luxury of indulging in a few other things to pass the time…one of which has become my business venture, Fancy Face Kreations! This time home has given me the ability to learn and hone my craft…widening my networking circle day by day. So, I normally begin my day with breakfast/coffee…and check my email and inbox for business contacts.

I work on whatever project is left to do and in between I try and blog. THIS challenge has been a challenge for me. Not because of the questions, but because I’ve had to show my face to almost 10 blogs every day (or every other day) to show support to those who’ve dared to take this challenge with me.

I’ve mixed up my day between FFK, blogging, writing, physical therapy, errands and such.

This is my usual day. Every now and again you can add a visit from someone, a movie with a loved one or a drive somewhere with mom to browse and get fresh air.

That’s about it, boo boos. LOL

Parenting the Parent

Let me begin this by saying…I am a super-private person. I don’t like living my life’s ups and downs in front of a crowded stadium of the cyber-audience known as the Internet. I believe that your business is yours and you should be careful with whom you share your problems with. True enough, speaking on your issues can help someone else, but everything doesn’t have to be a wide open, spread-eagle, free-for-all of your most intimate moments. Having said that…I have to write this. If for no other reason, then to get through it and over it.

My father and I have struggled for years. I’m an immovable Capricorn and he’s a brash and bull-dozing Taurus. He and I, since the beginning of my adolescence…have had a back and forth, biting rapport. He had a tendency to say mean things…or at least I felt that way about it.

[I walk into the room]

Him: “You’re fat…you need to lose weight!”
Me: “You’re a crackhead…you need Jesus!”

True Story. I swear. *lol*

Though he is sober now…probably going on 16 or so years…he was an addict all of my childhood and adolescence. I know of the coke, the crack and the alcohol…I suspect heroine as well. I know that his relationship with my mother was tumultuous. I know a lot of things. Some…I wish I didn’t.

It doesn’t change the fact that now…even in his sober mind…he’s not changed a whole lot. I suppose with anything (including addictions), that learned behavior is hard to break. The longer you practice, the better at it you become. Well, my father was a selfish addict. Now…he’s just selfish.

My grandmother, his mother passed away in 2010. She was my heart. Loved that lady. With her gone…I see how she was the buffer. She was the go-between. I knew that…but, now I REALLY know that. Whenever I needed anything, I’d ask her and she’d ask him. Asking HIM was surely a way to have my needs forgotten. Constant reminding would become my job and eventually I’d get exasperated by the chase of him, rescinding my request. Surely, his plan…or at least his pleasure. Hell, I’m sure that a LOT of times my grandmother gave me money in his name so I wouldn’t feel some kinda way.

Either way…nothing has changed.

When my grandmother died, he of course became power of attorney for her affairs. In spite of the fact that my grandmother gave her policy to my aunt, it was my father who was able to cash it. All of a sudden my father needed to replace his 2 year old car with a new model and his not-THAT-old laptop as well. I don’t recall him asking my sister and I if there was anything we needed. He didn’t even offer my aunt anything, even though it was SHE my grandmother trusted to hold onto it. Luckily for him…I don’t feel the need to “profit” from my grandmother’s death. His forgetting us is just a reminder that in the thick of a time when we needed each other the most, he fell back into old habits and thought of no one but himself. That includes, making it very clear that his girlfriend (with her needy, manipulative ass) came first.

The GOOD thing here? I’ve never really asked him for much of anything. I surely don’t EXPECT him to do shit. I just observe the way he does family business and I’m confident that my stance is a smart one. Offering distant love.

In all of the years of his substance abuse, I’ve never taken jabs at him about what he didn’t do for me. I feel it’s futile to exhume past bones I buried in my 20’s. What gets me and at times makes the balls of my feet itch, is to have someone want father accolades and kudos with his chest stuck out proudly…when he’s done not a thing to garner that, except seed us. Half of what he DID do, he did seemingly, under duress of my grandmother’s influence and insistence.

The drugs, the alcohol, the streets, his friends and his girlfriends were always his priority. He even told a story at his one year sobriety anniversary about how he’d taken me on runs. A baby…barely 2…sitting in the back of a Buick Riviera, as he hit drug spots in Harlem. *that explained the deja vu I felt as a child riding through certain areas on my way to a class outing*  I cringed at his confession…I cried. I felt abandoned, even though I was with him. Does that sound weird?

Anyway. Here we are…in 2012…and I refuse to go along for the ride anymore. I refuse to sit in the back and coo lovingly…blindly at a father who refuses to look back, see his child and stop his shit.

I refuse to parent my parent. I love you daddy, but no more.

Kween of What?

My love tree just keeps growing…and growing…and growing 🙂

Firstly…HI!!!

I know it’s been a long time! I haven’t been blogging a lot. Life has been dictating that so I’m not really sorry…just missed you guys!

I just gotta tell you. I love the way life shows you what you need to see. Over and over again, I am shown things even when I’m second-guessing myself. I’ve got great instincts and a lot of empath and psychic energy. I feel a lot and often say, “Nah…stop thinking too much Kiwi”. Mostly because for a long time when I’d SHARE these things, people would say that. “You’re thinking too much girl…” I should know better than to question myself but from time to time, I do. So God be doing things…moving things…proving things. I get it, Lord…I get it.

I’d been reflecting recently on everything around me. My friends, my family and my lack of love life which really isn’t a lack of love…just a male symbol of love…because I’m in a love affair with myself. I dig me. I date me. I seduce me. I flirt with me. I tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m im’poe’tant. LOL

Don’t get me wrong…a girl misses the niceties and novelty beauty of love, but I’m so happy just being able to say I’m blessed…that I don’t dwell on it often. I have my moments when I get lonely for a good hug, kiss, cheek stroke or *ahem* “stroking”…but, that’s human. As long as we’re in this skin, we’ll crave or at least consider…needing someone else.

I learned recently that my blessons (blessed lessons) are vast and deep. I’ve learned the art of love and loss…the art of friendship and loss…and the never to be mastered “art” of losing family. Every day my heart aches for my grandmother, but I know how she was. She was a Cancer woman of much sass, love, outspokenness and grace. She embodied the “mother” trait and often at times could be a walking contradiction. I can hear her saying, “Baby Love…don’t worry about grandma…I’m fine. You worry about you! Go out and make me some great-grand babies. Make em pretty, too!” I don’t think I’m having babies, grandma…but, I think I’ve got the worrying about ME part down…FINALLY!

I love the fact that losing past loves didn’t make me this hateful, inconsiderate, bitter person. I still lavish in all things love and have a deep affinity for couples in love and babies with their parents. After the initial breaking up with past dudes, after long…I’m remembering them at the pinnacle of our connection with fondness and smiles. I’ve learned that the ART of forgiveness is steeped deeply in the art of self. It’s for me. MY freedom, peace and future happiness. Who they are and what they do is solely between them and their God.

I’ve also learned that in spite of how time passes, there are people who were once my best friends and sole confidantes will always reside tucked sweetly in my soul. There…in the spaces between hi’s and bye’s…are albums of mental pictures of things we did together, recorded audio of phone convos that go back and forth between salacious, silly and serious…and always…always…LOVE.

Once I’m bonded with you…nothing but death can keep me from loving you. Nothing but the most heinous of crimes could keep me from still thinking of you as I remember you best.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I once considered renaming myself. Taking the Kween of Love name away from my Twitter and giving myself something more realistic to how my life is. I mean, folks be coming to me for advice and support on things I don’t even possess true experience on. I have no kids. I have no man in this moment. I’ve got both my parents (Thank you God for each day you renew us in) and honestly…I’m not a party person, a sex nympho or anything.  What I realized the other day that people come to me, not because I’m an expert. They come to me because I am an observer. I am a pure lover…and because they TRUST me. Isn’t that beautiful? To be trusted with someone’s daily life troubles and concerns on the strength of love for you and yours for them. That’s a blessing.

Like I said…I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. Some gaps need to be closed in on, others are fine as they are. Every gap isn’t an obstacle…sometimes, it’s for your own safety. This ONE gap though…it’s not working. A bridge needs to be rebuilt…even if only so that it’s there and not because it will be used right away.

Baby steps, Kween of Love…Baby steps 🙂

Looking Back to Move Forward

~sigh~

It’s interesting that my current state of introspection coincides with the new year. For me, it has less to do with the actual chronological year as it does the series of events that have taken place up til now. This shit could’ve happened in the middle of summer and I’d be tapping my fingers and scratching my head.

I had a lot of fun in 2011 and a little pain. I honestly think I had more fun than pain.  It just so happens that the pain ended the year. No biggie…I’m made from strong stuff and therefore I am resilient. I’ve learned something that is hard for me…that some people don’t deserve entry into our lives. Persistence is not always persistence….but, annoying determination. Some people only persist for the challenge and not the actual desire to be close to you. I often forget that most people’s intentions are never as honest or forthcoming as my own. Lesson learned.

In this year…2011 brought healing to special people in my life. My cousin is almost 100% cancer-free and my sister~friend IS 100% cancer-free. I have others in my life that struggled with their health but I believe in prayer and miracles. I found out a friend of mine from high school succumbed to cancer a few years ago and I was heartbroken. I dreamed of her and another friend for years…often feeling something wasn’t right. One, I touched based with on Facebook a few years ago and her health has turned around tremendously…while the other, whom I could never find…passed without my even knowing…before I could see how life had treated her.

Rest In Peace, Autumn...

I’ve learned that sometimes my kindness IS weakness. I need to remember that while I’m mindlessly bonding and enjoying the people I meet…some people are simply figuring out what they can gain from me. I’ve got to keep my eyes as open as my heart is and in turn close my mind to some things. Yes, I said CLOSE MY MIND. I jokingly say to my sista Joy that I don’t think outside of the box because there IS NO box for me…but, perhaps I need to sit a little box nearby for the discarding of things…or perhaps as a treasure keeper…just to remind me of what’s at stake. What can be lost. Perhaps then…my perspective will be less abstract and more logical. Less optimistic and more opportunistic. I try to be of this world but not IN it…trying to keep myself from being swept up in the ideals and expectations of society…but, sometimes I’ve got to be honest with myself and acknowledge that there are many who do live that credo and therefore box me in whether I want to be or not. As an artist, I’m constantly fighting to be free to be me…but at times, that fight leaves me alienated.

Everything from how I think, to how I speak, to how I look…determines what’s drawn to me. The good and the bad. I can’t disregard what’s bad just because I’d rather see the good. There are times when assholes will filter in and it’s up to me to put up the force field of protection to keep them from embedding themselves into me like a parasite underneath the skin.

This year has been a blessing in so many ways. I bonded with someone that I didn’t expect in a million years. My girl Tei came out of nowhere and stole my friendship heart. She’s become an intricate piece of fabric in my chosen family quilt. I’ve got a handful of wonderful people in my life who have had my back throughout it all. Whether I speak to them everyday or not…they love me and give me their all. As my ex loved to say, “Fair exchange is no robbery”.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. I said recently to my mom that everyday…EVERY day that we wake up is a new year because we saw this day last year. 2012 is a new year for the calendars…but it’s just another day for me to get it right. For me to be closer to achieving the full circle lessons and being blessed to level up and be that much more on the right path to divine purpose.

God bless you all…I’ve loved you from the start…I’ll love you ’til the end.

Happy New Years!!!

Love, Thee Kween 🙂

And In Conclusion…

…I think that I’ve finally wrapped my mind around the fact that relationships aren’t for me.

I’ve championed the cause of love for years…and honestly, I still do believe that love is there for others. I just don’t think that there’s a man out there for me.

Ever felt this way? NOTHING works out? Not the up close and personal tries…not the long-distance Internet tries…nothing. I’m either a magnet for Lotharios who live proudly in the life of lying and manipulating or the ones who start out with bachelor tendencies and settle down with the NEXT chick. (Starting to feel like “Good Luck Charlie“).

I’ve decided that the life I have is enough…

Well, technically…for so long (save moments of wanderlust and yearning in the quiet of my own life) I’ve been by myself. I haven’t been in an on-going “relationship” since 2002. I’ve spent the last 9 years dating, falling in love with a couple of guys online and more or less being skimmed over by Cupid’s dastardly bow. There’s no other way to put it then that the problem HAS to be me.

I’m not taking blame for the liars, cheaters, manipulators, or fuck-offs. I’m simply saying that I understand the dynamic of relationships enough to know that “folks ain’t just picking on me”. There’s clearly a lesson I’m lacking to learn here and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life learning it if I don’t go back into my “spiritual lab” and reconfigure some chemical atoms that make up my combustive love life.

I’ve GOT to be doing something wrong y’all…so, I’ve decided a few things:

~> No more flirting online or off. Flirting gets you into trouble…especially when you’ve gone so long between relationships. The fiery enthralling of flirtatious fervor can make your lady parts burn with desire…and your brain cells burn out from the shit that comes with it. So, go ‘head…nothing to see here.

~> NO more online friendships with men are to be initiated or welcomed. I have a couple of guy friends whom I care for and the truth is…we’re better off as friends. Neither of them have ever expressed a desire to be with me and though we’ve probably had some minor chemistry at one point…we’ve elected mutually to have our friendship and be okay with it. If you’re not already down with “thee crown”…that’s it. Sorry…can’t help ya.

~> Continue on the BEAUTIFUL path of self-love, friend and familial love I’d been on earlier in the summer of 2011 before I became “distracted”. I was feeling my freedom and digging my heels into finally being over the ex for going on a year or more…and I don’t think I basked in that enough.

~> Follow my gut. I have my own standards and they are mine. My friends have theirs. I can’t be convinced to “give anyone a chance” when everything is screaming no. If my instincts say no, follow them. I can’t pacify friends and family so they feel like I’m not settling on loneliness. I actually ENJOY my dang company. Those who REALLY know me, know that I will disappear for a few days and it’ll have NOTHING to do with being sad or depressed. I’m somewhere singing at the top of my lungs, writing, watching movies and being some kinda creative. 🙂

It’s not that I’m giving up. I know it seems that way…but the truth is that, I’m accepting the stumbles as a clue to have a seat…a fancy seat…a THRONE. Once I do that…maybe…JUST maybe…God will seat my king beside me without my even realizing that’s what He was doing.

For now…Love…I’ll have to admire you from afar in the arms of lovers passing. ~blows kisses~

Knowing When To Go



“Sometimes it’s not the person who changed, but the situation that changed the way the person behaves” ~Me

I haven’t blogged “me” in a while… I decided perhaps I needed a forum to relax, relate and release into. ~long exhale~
I feed off of energy…or not. You give me pure positivity…I return that. If you give me negativity…I don’t return it, I just deflect it with appropriate  and positive reaction. Self-preservation is a necessary quality for humans. No one should always be 100% selfless unless the cause is so much bigger than them that their energy is less energy and more vessel for God’s gift. Examples of that are found in the life works of Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr. I am not any of these people. I’m nice. I love people. I dig helping, but I can’t be as self-sacrificing as I once was. I’m on that shit nowadays. (See, Mother T wouldn’t have said that).
I noticed that over the course of a few years…friendships/relationships had changed or ended. One or two I regret the WAY it ended, but am good with where I am. Having said that…I know something about myself. I’ve known this since I was a teenager. When I feel like I’ve done all I can to bring a situation to the table or my attempts were foiled, etc…I decided RIGHT then and there that I’m done. Even if, I communicate with the person…I still hold a sense of reserve. When people do dumb and unnecessary shit especially, I fold up my emotional tent and leave. Why should I stick around when it’s been made clear to me that you’re either full of shit, selfish or both? Not happening. I used to. My last “relationship” was entertained FAR beyond the breaking point. That shit should have stayed gone once I found out that he was making plans to see the chick. BOOM! Yet, I was too busy trying to salvage the friendship portion of what we had and that, too was crap. Friends don’t do what he did…so he wasn’t fit for that position either.
THAT is what I learned hardest that go-round.  Friends don’t lie, manipulate, mislead, disrespect, cross boundaries of trust, etc. They are supposed to be your “checks and balance”. If I gotta keep “checking” and “balancing” your ass about how you’re treating ME…nah uh. I don’t have time to emotionally babysit anyone.
Once the dynamic is changed, for whatever trite reason…I let it be. If I go a period of time without speaking to you and the distance was more shade than space…once we DO speak, I am NOT gonna hang my heart out for you. I will treat you generically. If the SPIRIT hits me that we can begin again I will open up slowly. I will fa SHO pray on it…but, I will weigh up the truth of how things happened and the growth of us both. 
I don’t have it in me anymore to allow crap to hang in limbo. Once you show me your lack of concern for me…the friendship…I start throwing my little ideas, affections, and cute emotions into my carry on and start for the door. That’s the NEW me.
I leave you with this…
People do what they WANT to do.”
Love is a verb doing!
Never make someone a priority who makes you their option
Cliches…but, true.
~Peace~

Shhhhhh…

Sometimes silence can be louder than words or actions. I normally am very interactive and communicative. Always willing to converse and at times debate [the right things]…I am often stared at with looks of confusion when I shut down and have little to nothing to say.

I don’t beg to be understood…understanding me comes with loving me…TRULY loving me. Most of my circle know without question that my silence doesn’t necessarily denote “sadness” as much as it does meditative thought. In this mode…I am on the precipice of inspiration to write. Or inspiration to decide. Or inspiration to evolve again…
Silence…so underrated a virtue…is a thing I need. There are so many “voices” that take up residence in me. The artist in me has different facets. I have my musical muse, my artistic muse (in the sketching, drawing, sense), my photographic muse, my poetic muse…::sigh::…they all come and speak to me. Some things drawn from dreams, some come mid-sentence like a flash, some come in the middle of having nothing on my mind at all. Either way…I’m constantly listening to the muses. I am also listening to the mother in me, the friend, the woman, the daughter, etc. So…beside the artistry that moves through me in ripples, waves and tides…I am also channeling the lives and happenings of my friends and family…not to mention random thoughts that strike like lightening.
With a mind that ticks constantly…to the degree that I often go (surprisingly enough for a Narcoleptic) without much sleep…I am normally as exhausted as I am full of thoughts. Imagine having a plethora of ideas and no energy to execute them. If I get a nap in the daytime (about 2hrs worth) and turn around and sleep 2hrs at night…I’m good. I am not new to lying with my eyes open in the dark, watching the shadows of the fan’s blades create a smokey blur. I have as of late…fallen asleep an hour or more BEFORE I’m slated to wake up for work.
So, I figured…that with all that is ALREADY the whimsical, eclectic, mad workshop of my mind…I deserved a little quieting. I don’t know how many of you understand the mind of an artist/above average mind. (I tip-toe around calling myself ‘genius’…sounds cocky to me)…but there is at times little to no mental rest. Even my dreams are unnaturally sharp and ridiculous. “Seeing” shit all day…catching the nuances in human behavior, drawing people’s emotions like a human soul magnet is depleting and exhausting. Working at a job where people are equally troubled to tears and angry to shouting…doesn’t help matters much.
Silence is prescribed…especially, when your words aren’t enough to say what you’re feeling or thinking. Rather than be misunderstood…I sit in silence…until the articulation returns. Bear with me…
He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” ~Elbert Hubbard

Snapshot #10: High Angle

Photo of: High Angle

So, what had happened was…I forgot all about this challenge. I had a headache and rested most of the day.

I meant to do this outside with a subject other than myself…but, hey. You do what you can with what you have. lol

This is me…hair kinda kinky wavy…wearing my fave sundress (in yellow of course).

I hope tomorrow’s challenge isn’t this forgettable. lol

Snapshot #5: Guilty Pleasure

Photo of: Guilty Pleasure

My guilty pleasure is Facebook. I’m an addict…I know it. I need help. I’m actually falling back. It can be a pain in the ass and once something that’s supposed to be entertainment, becomes a “chore”…it’s time to step away.

It’s kinda hard though. I  write constantly on blogs and offline working on stories, so Facebook is just a click away when I get bored and need something else to do.

As you can see…my banner is a grouping of butterflies ::CHEESE::…and I’m known by my first and middle name and not my last. That ain’t nobody’s bidness. LOL

So yea, my guilty pleasure…

**scribbling on screen** Send…help!