Brand New

There’s a saying among my people…”She/he is acting BRAND new…” If you’re unfamiliar with this colloquialism…it’s meant to infer that someone has “forgotten themselves”. There are a few specific instances where people MOSTLY forget themselves and act “brand new”:

~ They get some money
~ They get MORE money
~ They get a new house, car, etc.
~ They get a new mate O__0 (Yea…I’m talking to you)

Now, let me go ahead and get the bullshit out of the way. I am NOT bitter. I am justifiably pissed off. Those two things are vastly different. When someone has used your friendship and love as a tool, betrays your bond and then turns around and wants to remain friends (which is code for, “Please don’t get mad at me and make me feel bad”)…there’s something that kicks up in me that gets disgusted and appalled by the audaciousness of some folks CLEARLY high off their own supply.

So, what has prompted me to write this is as much a cathartic necessity as it is a source of “info-tainment” for you all. I love that I can come here, share my world (if I so choose) and know you all are going to be honest, open and respectful as you read and comment. ~mwah~ 😉

Anywho…When you are someone’s friend, intended love, family member, etc…you build up a base of honesty and trust. From that other traits of bonding are birthed, which causes endearment. Time and energy spent insinuating yourself into someone’s heart and soul…should be valued to the tune of invaluable. Someone, willing to allow you access to their heart and happiness…should be considered and given the utmost respect. I take no one in my life lightly. If God saw fit for us to be a part of each other’s lives…I do everything within my power to keep those ties tightly bound with love and all that encompasses it. Does it always work? Of course it doesn’t, but that’s my hope.

What I know is not to expect that everyone is like me. I don’t expect people to do what I do, feel how I feel or react the way I would. Yet, there is SOME sense of expectancy in a relationship of give and take (which is why unconditional love is so hard to attain.) When a person presents themselves as capable and starts off on the right foot…it is disconcerting when they drop the ball and pretend it never happened. I try my best to be accountable for my actions. If I hurt you, I’d hope you would tell me. Whether I intended to or not, believed I did or not…I’m going to apologize and take stock of my mistake so as not to repeat it. When someone hurts me…I often find that most aren’t willing to do the same. Having said all of this…when someone you trust is ALL in (to the point of going so hard you question it’s sincerity) and then abandons your friendship/love all because they’ve found something better, more convenient,  newer…it leaves a bad taste.

The “brand new” comparison comes in RIGHT here…

Some people are so inherently selfish that when they’re in friendships/relationships…they THINK they’re giving of themselves, but what they’re offering is base attention and not deep affection.  When someone does something consistently in a superficial or let’s call it…in a more habitual manner…it can mask itself as the consistency that reinforces love. Yet, in order to be in any kind of love relationship one has to be in touch with who they are and understand what love is. What their OWN worth is…so that when doling out love in an exchange, they will have something to measure it against. That way, self love is readying you to give that very thing you desire and deserve to those around you. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated.

So when some of the selfish folks get what they need/want…or accomplish a goal of intimacy or conquest…they move on. Moving on is fine, but you should remember to never burn that bridge. You never know if what you got from that person is something you may need to tap into again. For anyone to shrug off justified anger and hurt because they don’t want to be held accountable, don’t want to feel the discomfort of having a mirror held to them…is simply cruel, cold and irresponsible. We are indeed responsible for the feelings of those we care for and if you don’t feel that way, then perhaps you need to reassess your heart space. So to then bask joyfully in their new life choice as if they haven’t done a thing wrong…is acting “brand new”.

Remember this…You can TRY to create a flawless future all you like, but you may also want to make amends with your peppered past. Don’t think for one moment that your current happiness with your “newness” is under Karma’s radar. That chick has a GPS on all assholes, bitchasses and wrong-doers. You’d better PRAY that your new found shiny outer coating is gleaming bright enough to blind her to your ways. Then again…she CAN smell fear.

Oh, you thought you weren’t fearful? Yes…oh, yes…most selfish folks are FEARFUL. They fear rejection, loneliness, judgment, accountability, etc. That’s why like thieves they get in…and get out, doing their best to not leave anything behind. Eventually, though…you always get nabbed. Especially if you believe in a higher power…you have to answer for your deeds. You have to live with yourself when there’s not a thing around you except the sound of your own heart beating, your mind’s ticking and God. Not so brand new anymore, right?

10~ 10 And WINNING!

List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you
This is hard…REALLY hard. I preface this list with apologies to any who may think that their name NOT appearing on this list is a reflection of my love for you. It isn’t…these are my daily and constant soldiers. The ones that never leave…even if life is tugging them in other directions. I love MANY…but, these people are there every day in some capacity or another. *thinking…can I do an honorable mention’s list?* LOL
This isn’t meant to dumb down your meaningful relationships…it’s meant to show you who you treasure. It’s an exercise in realizing your treasures in life. With this particular challenge, I pray that you not only see who is in your corner, but whose lives you may be impacting as well. 
1~Mom: She and I have come a LONG way from the hurt feelings and misunderstandings of the past. I can tell her just about anything and I can assure you that most of what bothers me crosses her eardrums at one point or another. I’m proud of her life as a minister. She dedicates the majority of her time, not just to going to church…but seeing about the sick and shut-in, praying over troubled souls, teaching bible study and singing in (and directing) her choir. She’s truly married to the Lord and again…I’m proud!
2~Sis: My twin by 6 years…Younger chronologically…older in so many other ways. The little girl that used to tell on me and follow me around is  now a woman I respect and love dearly. I’d kill and die for this woman and that’s no lie. We’re connected.  We do the “twin thing” without being DNA twins. I call many sistas, sistars and yes…sisters…but she is the ONLY STISTER (because she couldn’t pronounce it as a kid) …that I have.
3~Dad: We struggle from time to time, but I’ve got sweet memories of us doing the most basic stuff. I love him dearly. He’s toughed out the trials of addiction and has been a trooper since my grandmother (his mom) passed last year. In spite of our personal ups and downs…I am proud of him.
4~Joy: My “BFF”, “bestie”, “sister”, all that shit. I actually want to veer away from the whole “claiming” of my closest peeps because it makes their position in my life seem small. This woman has been there for me when shit got real. We’ve “argued” all of a booming two times…with little to no raised voices and ending convos with nothing short of giggles and “I love you”. Nothing beats her coming out of her own comfort zone (extreme dislike for funerals) to support me when my grandmother died in 2010. That’s the shit friendship is made of…
5~Grandma C: My maternal grandmother…the last one standing. My grandma can be evil as a snake. LMAO I ain’t lying…I swear, ask any one of the OLDER grands (them young ones escaped her wrath somehow). She’s quick with her sword…tongue, I mean…and she can hurt the feelings of the strongest soldier. Hell, I’m STILL waiting for her to induct me BACK in the family. (She disowned me in anger like 15 years ago) LMAO! Through it all…I love my grandma. I accept her for who she is…and I don’t let her get away with her maniacal ways. I, the consummate Capricorn am the perfect “devil’s advocate” to patronizingly, condescendingly, but subtly scold the Taurean bull. *insert a pic of a seagoat popping out of the water and saying, “Hey…Bully…ya kinda loud. I can hear ya’z aaaawl de way down to de bottom o’ de sea AND at de top o’ de bluff. Sheesh Louise…lay off de caffeine will ya?” The bull says with a smile of embarrassment, “Oh…hush, chile. Lemme gruff.”* By the time the seagoat consents to let the bull do what she do…she forgot why she do what she do. That’s me and Grandma in a nutshell. My lady. 🙂 
S/N: I’m completing this blog after just waking up at 6:51am…so, I hope that explains the colorful description up there. LOL
6~Deanna aka DeeBo: I  met this chick through her ex. I knew him first on another social site called Multiply a few years back and when he began dating her…she became a part of the circle of friends I had there. Eventually, she and I hit it off past his inclusion and became pretty damn close without him. (I’m always stealing male friends female friends and/or lovers) LMAO. She’s indeed one of my SiStars along with her BFF Harmony. Dee is one of those folks on this planet who I have that psychic connection with. We almost ALWAYS feel the other and pick up the phone at the exact moment we’re thinking of the other. I ain’t gonna even say it’s weird…it is what it is.
7~Maria aka Sangria Soose: *she gone cuss me good for that one* :::snickering like Mutley::: ENTY WHO…THIS chick right here? Is one of those friendships that folks are STILL looking at me like, “You good…you real good…” They can’t understand how I got SO close to someone who was involved with my ex right after the last time he and I broke up. Yep. She be his next after me. She came out of nowhere (well not really…I remembered her vaguely from the old Yahoo 360 site). She needed to get some answers after they broke up and BANG! BOOM! The inbox convo became a phone convo became a friendship that I cherish dearly. I can’t say anything more about my KinTwin…except, she’s “thwee” and likes Pooh. LMAO *running*
8~Chuck aka Cee aka Puff: The watch dude. That’s what I remembered about him from Yahoo 360 (running theme of my friendships, huh?) His profile pic was always either a watch or a teddy bear…a naked teddy (smh). He and I didn’t get close though until the summer of 2010. I’d lost my grandma and broken ties with a few important people and out of concern…he reached out. We’ve been blowing up each other’s cells ever since. He makes sure I’m okay and I make sure he’s okay. We’re a support system and a source of silly shenanigans. He’s also the damned reason I am a newborn watch lover and back on that shit (aka shop TV). That’s my figga if he don’t get no bigga.
9~Caprice aka Preecey: I met this star through Joy. Caprice, Chante, N’Tirzah and Rachael are another group of “SiStars” that I love. We connect over artful events and food. LOL We are part of a sister circle whose purpose is to be a source of support. Though our time together is often sporadic, Preecey and I still check in on each other. When we DO talk,  we tend to go hours, not because we’re catching up…but, because we’re always spanning the spectrum of convo. If I didn’t see her on FB at least, I’d be sad…:( 
10~Tei: I’ll call her the “surprise”. She and I also met on 360. We ALSO met similarly to Maria and I. Her ex became my next and then when he was my ex, we became each other’s bane of existence.  We could’ve NEVER known how close we’d be…but, I can say that this woman and I have a TRULY deep connection that touches spirit and mind in a way I don’t often experience with others. I’ve always been the go-to friend-erapist…the one that people seek to speak to, in order to make sense out of things. Basically, she’s for me what I am to others. She doesn’t lie to me, she doesn’t coddle me, she’s not afraid for me to be mad at her truth (but then neither are them chicks and dude up there ^^^) LOL…but, she’s more straight to the core of me. She almost NEVER misses the mark on where I’m coming from…and she always turns my words in on me in a way that makes me wanna jump through the phone and wrestle her. LOL …she also has the best Jamaican accent I know and that usually makes it all better. hehe
You know what? This is MY damn challenge and I’m bending rules. Shit, I think I saw someone list several folks (which WONT the point, but hell…these answers are OUR interpretations. THAT is the point) I love my ENTIRE family on BOTH sides (that list would be hella long) LOL
I LOVE: Aly and Syre and Michael and Mahogany and Quinny and Scarlett and Budda and Renee and Renee (lol) and Dani and Val and Al and Kena and Tish and Insane and Erika and Chi and Yesha and Gina and hold up…this is getting too long. LMAO
I gotta go. I’m tide. I love you ALL!!

Not As Far As I Can Throw You

Trust…it’s big…yet it’s small. Trust is being a baby and knowing mommy will hold you when you’re tired. Trust is in the child’s eyes that expects their parent to walk them across the street safely. It’s in their expectation that the teacher will have the right answer in class. It is NOT simply about romantic relationships. It’s about relationships, period. Trust is knowing that someone will be what they say…at all times. Holding someone to their displayed character and being at peace with who they are.

A mom says, “Baby…I’ll pick you up at 3pm.” The child waits for mom to return…to no avail. Mom got sidetracked…not meaning to be late. Once, maybe…the child may forget. But, repeated offenses will send the child into anxiety. From that point forward, being dropped off will become traumatic. Trust lost…issues found.

When a person has given their trust over to someone, who ultimately proves to be untrustworthy…it brings about trauma. The idea of being “left out front” waiting for someone to pick you up…to keep their word…is enough to induce fits of fear. Those broken promises become the trigger. Hearing someone say, “I won’t hurt you” or “I’ll never leave you” or anything remotely close to that can and will bring about sensations of worry that can make someone want to escape. To shut down and become unreachable. The idea of the broken trust being founded in lapse of judgment or an err in decision is lost on the victim of the betrayal. All the victim can do is think of the feelings…abandonment, loneliness, betrayal, fear…and become hardened to words.

How can trust be restored? Is it something like when a mom plays peekaboo with her baby? Making it safe for the child to close his or hers eyes, knowing that when they reopen them…mom will be there. That first lesson in trust…telling the baby from the next room, “Mommy’s right here”…so they’ll know that mom’s love is never too far. Does a person who has royally screwed up have to shout from where they are…”I’m here!”? Soothing and relaxing their loved one into a trustful game of peekaboo. Helping them become reacquainted with knowing that the person they love is who they say. Where they’re supposed to be. What they claim to be.

Makes it all the more important to for a person to be WORTHY of the trust before the trust is given.


**found this in the drafts and decided to publish**

3~ The One Who Wasn’t

…he named me.

Last/Most Recent Love…what they meant/mean to you…

~deep sigh~

Well, the bottom line is that I THOUGHT he was the one, but he wasn’t. Duh…isn’t that almost always the case after we’ve broken up with someone and moved on? Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

I met him on a social site and maintained a VERY long distance “relationship” for about 2 1/2 years. Never meeting…never consummating the love…always waiting. He swept in at first…a confidante. Eventually, a bond sparked and we were up all night talking and laughing until we fell asleep. (Eventually, it became clear that I wasn’t the only one he did these things with). He was good…

In spite of the things I found out about that brought our time to a close…he taught me some things. He was someone who helped me come out of my shell. He helped me be less fearful and more open to showing people who I am. His charms, concern and humor made me want more of him. The dude had a dynamic and addictive personality…but, I often in the end found myself wondering how much of him was the real him and not the persona he wanted to put forward. He always said that people sent their “representatives” on dates and in the beginning of relationships…and now, I see he was talking about himself.

Marriage was proposed, a powerful life of love was promised…but ultimately it became wisps in the wind. I often times wished he would’ve just asked to be my friend and not perpetrate a relationship that he wasn’t capable of at the time. I wanted to marry him, have a kid or two with him and show him that love didn’t suck like pro hoes. Yet, he showed ME that procrastination and secrets are the killer of dreams and time’s potential.

I sometimes wonder if he and I will ever have the conversation I believe we need to have. That convo that is honest and raw, uncut and truthful, lacking in fear of rejection and without blame. I could’ve lived (and have) with his not wanting me. Hey, to each his own right? What I COULDN’T deal with is being led down a path of delusion and exclusion (of his real life and intentions). He could’ve spared me that heart break. His actions cut deep.

All I know…is that I loved him more than anyone I’ve laid eyes on. Crazy right? Not so much. I believe that how people in LD relationships connect is as real a way to connect as meeting in person. There are little to no hang-ups about physicality. Getting trapped off by lustful yearnings because of what one looks like is a top misleading way people confuse love with other things. I am not ashamed that I loved him in this way. What I wish, is that before I’d given my heart, emailed it and sealed it with an e-kiss…that he would’ve told me that I wasn’t the one…

on the wall

 

to be a tiny spectator
winged
clued into your true self
privy to the private moments…
to find out,
what i KNOW
you hide
hid
…keep hidden
deep beneath
the boastful breast of confidence
beats
a fear of openness
so,
i wonder at times
what might i find
if i could sit
unseen and mute
in a room filled with
your fears
tears
secrets
and desires
what disclosure
would transpire?
what might become of it…
this…
idea of you
that even YOU
have no idea about
what idiosyncrasy
would spill from your pores
with no dam to hold it
no sleeve to tuck it into…
would your hand be apparent?
could you be true
with yourself…
in an empty room
just yourself, God and
a curious looking fly?
i wonder the answer
all of the time
wasting time,
wondering…
but…yea
i already know…
that my waiting in the wings
posted in stealth
is but hope on dope
because…
you
and others like you…
have built your life
on bricks of subterfuge
glued with pride
stacked against odds
formed in your mind
out of
that
false
evidence
appearing
real…
i would ask…
i HAVE asked
ready to embrace the truth
receptive to the light-less spaces
wanting my love
to candle light
the way
still…
i sit here, instead
imagining myself to be
an eye into your room
seeing the things
knowing finally
sighing in relief
at the splendid sight
of the things
you hide

The Truth of Trust

A few weekends ago I had a ball. A friend of a friend who is now my friend, flew in from Detroit. She’s been by association a cool person to e-know, but this particular weekend I had the pleasure of making her acquaintance. Diva, as she is known online came through to celebrate her birthday here in NY, so we (myself and our mutual friend) tried to make her feel as welcome as possible.

Between dinners, breakfast, drinks, the MAC store and picture taking…we had fun. What I liked the most was the ability for 3 totally different women with totally different backgrounds/upbringings…to be absolutely drama-free and trusting enough to forge a bond. Not only did I learn a lot about my new friend…I learned about myself as well. Nothing TOO bad *wink*…lol…just a reaffirming of some cool qualities that I wasn’t sure about before. YEP…even the kween has stumbled. *gasp…I KNOW right?* No, for real…people tend to get an image of me in their head as the good girl…and though it is majorly true…it’s not all I am. I try consciously everyday to be a better me. I try to be forthcoming and genuine in my relationships with others and pride myself on being honorable about intentions and behavior…yet I too, tend to walk a fine line of doing right and wrong. Talking to these two ladies (by the way, their names are Joy & Tracey)…made me realize that growing isn’t just about moving forward…but it’s about change. It’s about transformation based on experience and application which equals wisdom. To have a meeting of the minds with people and know that you’re being looked at for the person you are and not what they want you to be is a good feeling…and that feeling is amplified, when typical Internet horror stories are debunked and true friendships are formed over this thing affectionately called cyberspace. That weekend, we TRUSTED each other. Trust can be a hard thing to establish on the Internet.

I have had a few bad experiences. From people pretending to be someone they’re not (figuratively and literally), to back-biting, dramatic females who aim to maim my reputation and character (without success)…to a few dating debacles. YET…in the four ACTIVE years of my e-life…I’ve managed to get WAY more positivity out of this place than not.

I found a forum for my writings…which helped to relieve me of a longtime fear to share my works. I found some of the best friends in the world. I found love. I found my voice…and at the same time…I didn’t lose that thing about myself that a lot of people tend to lose interacting online…my humanity. The ladies and I discussed how we have often heard so many people refer to the Internet as nothing but a source of entertainment. That statement used to get on my nerves because regardless of how easily you may turn of your computer (if some of these folks ever do) these are PEOPLE on the other side. You’re bound to be affected by something you’ve read. I have bonded emotionally and spiritually with people I’ve met and some I haven’t…so, I know it to be true. The antiquated thinking, that Internet folks are crazy…is really a false sense of security. You can meet crazy face-to-face and never know it. I met crazy…and he never entered a chat room, social site or barely an email. I’ve met women, who have as much drama in their lives, if not more OFFLINE than anywhere else. The people online ARE the people offline…just hidden and more anonymous. Drama wearing screen names and danger wearing smiley faces. Remove the computer and you still have threats to your sanity, peace of mind and physical life. More than anything it’s about learning how to trust your judgment and remembering that you too are flawed and have layers. No one is ever one thing 100% of the time. We fluctuate between the best of ourselves and the demons we’re fighting against…but, what is the best feeling in the world aside from love…is knowing that you’ve learned enough about life to catch yourself on or offline…making better decisions when inviting people into your life. What is invaluable as an adult…is to know that you’ve learned to trust YOURSELF. I say it all of the time when speaking on trust, “The person who trusts no one cant be trusted. Someone who trusts no one, doesn’t trust their own judgment…and therefore would sacrifice other’s feelings and lives in order to protect self.”  I stick by that…if you don’t believe it…think on the person who betrayed you and ask yourself in retrospect how much that person REALLY opened up to YOU. How many things did you find out AFTER the fact as opposed to being within the relationship. How many times were you openly and/or passively accused of committing betrayals you hadn’t…you will see.

That weekend, I met someone new…and it is a standing confirmation of what I’ve known for two years now…trusting others is as important as trusting yourself. If you don’t…you’ll miss out on new and exciting adventures that await a person willing to transform by way of life’s experiences rather than be crippled by fears. I’d rather trust and be betrayed, than be alone in my fear to trust.

Thanks for the lovely weekend ladies!