Word 26: Cold

Cold…

she sent shivers
and chills
that turned goosebumps
to hills
with the very, very ILL
way she went for the kill
she’s got ice in her heart
like she’s been here from the start
like love is her nemesis
like she was the serpent from Genesis…

she leaves icicles
with her touch
and her tickle
feels more like a clutch
a clawing grasp
that pierces your skin
and drains the spirit and good within
she’s got the face of an innocent
still,
there’s evil in her unintentional intent
her being bares no mercy
and her smile screams “have mercy”

she’s a freezing burn
tearing through souls
she’s dry ice
she’s pure cold
she’s so cold
she’s hot
she’s a danger
to all you’ve got

chilling
ominous
looming
destructive
evil
she…is…the
T R U T H…of heartless hate.

The Twenty Sixth Day…

…the day someone left and never came back (not death related)

I make me sick…these questions, man…~sigh~ lol

Welp, I’ve already spoken about my ex, my BFF from 5th grade, and since it can’t be death related (I’m a fucking genius)…I can’t think of someone.

*sighs and stares at screen for a while*

OH! I got it!!!

This chick…she was my best friend. I grew up with her. Told her EVERYTHING and never once betrayed her…or at least I didn’t feel like I did. I loved her like a sister…she was part of my soul. She was me but in another form. All I thought about most days was what else she and I could get into. NO amount of drama in my life or distance from her could turn me against her.

I mean, did I hang out with others? Yes. Of course. I had other friends. I had my friend who I sang with all the time…staying up until the wee hours of the morning whispering in the dark and falling asleep on her. I even had one who became my go to for sexy advice. She helped me broaden my sensual self and learn to be in touch with the full-fledged woman dwelling deep within me. I have my fun friend who brings out the artistic side of me…

but, I miss my first best friend. She left and didn’t return. She seems gone forever. I look at reminders of how good we used to be together and I find myself hurting at how abrupt her exit was. I wonder if we can make up…if I can apologize and have her come back so we could make it right. I don’t know. Maybe she was jealous of my other connections and felt some kinda way. I never meant to make her feel that way…I just thought she always knew I’d defer to her…always remember her as my best.

Here’s a poem my friend reminded me of tonight…it speaks volumes to my heart space right now.

LOST ART

i’ve never felt this helpless
lost to the art
and afar from the center
so estranged from inspiration
…i don’t want
every poem to be a non-poem
of poetic pain
a plea to the god of bards
to lift the weight
off of my pen…
i can’t tell if it’s due
to lack of paramour
or presence of apathy
either way,
i’ve never been here so long
it just doesn’t feel like me

not only are poems stilled
and erotica chilled…
books won’t bind
stories won’t end
things begin…
and end again against my will
when i see works
of fellow quills
i burn with envy
for my own passions
to be fulfilled
…i can barely read
the scribes of others
while my own muse’s heat
is snuffed and smothered

i feel as if this helplessness
can’t be helped
…and just when,
i think i’ve missed it
i shrug with indifference
and nestle comfortably in it
i wallow in silence
i slop in muddled thoughts
an eerie acceptance
of aimlessness and loss

i count the pieces of me
that have broken and been cast away
all of the events remembered
like white noise on repeated play
and i know
that somewhere adrift
are the words
that escaped to be free
traipsing hand in hand
refugees…
overjoyed and over me

maybe they’re in Tahiti
on my dream escapade
tanning, swimming and floating
basking in French Polynesian rays
i might be able to locate
a few in the family i never made
or took up with another poet,
spoken words on a stage
it’s possible,
they grew wings
and became angels
with “mi abuela”
love
peace
bliss
all fitted with little halos
some stuffed in a box
interlaced around a ring
or maybe they’ve become lyrics…
waiting for me to sing

i just wish i didn’t feel strange
a stranger to it all
i want to find my place again
i want to do it all
i want poetry
and novels
and erotica
and blogs
i want it easy
like it once was
before this overcast of fog
find me…
return to me,
i miss my inner bard
i want words, stanzas and depth again…
i want to find my heart

Words on Wings © 2010

Just know…I miss you my Muse…My Poetry. I hope you read this and don’t stay gone. Novels, Music and Erotica could never take your place. I love you. I miss you. I need you.

~*thank you Renee…you showed me…well ME*~ ❤

26~ May~December

If your young daughter or son came to you and told you they were in love with someone your age…what would your response be?

I don’t have children…

I’ve been here before though. 18 years ago I brought home a man 22yrs my senior. My family was ROCKED…livid is not enough description.

My uncle had hung with him, my mom and dad knew of his ways from “way back”…he was considered a pimp in his day and had been abusive to many a woman. I remember my mother saying to me, “He’s going to have you on the street…pimping you.”

I didn’t sense that about him. I didn’t know much about him, but I didn’t get that feeling. Well, the story goes that eventually he did turn abusive. Physically…then mentally/verbally/emotionally. That physical shit didn’t sit well with me…I used all this fluff to make sure he didn’t get the best of me. LOL I’m not saying that life with him wasn’t hard…but, this is the same person who for 8.5 years pimped his OWN physical self by getting up almost everyday of our life together and working. He put money in my hand and the checkbook to pay the bills, too. Had it not been for his addiction…who knows…we might still be together.

If MY godson (that’s as close a kid is gonna get to me) came home with a cougar…I’d embrace her. I’d let her know…”Don’t make me fuck you up…” O__o

No, for serious…lol, I’d just talk to him and see where his head was. The worst thing you can tell ANY one, child, teen or adult…is who to love. That never goes well.

Dia Viente y Seis~ Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up On Life?

If so, when and why?

Well, I’ve been in a lot of life situations that left me listless. I’ve had moments where I questioned what my purpose was and if I was even a valuable presence in anyone’s life. I often say, that a person who never doubts themselves…is fooling themselves. Doubt is a necessary tool that keeps you humble and cautious (in it’s place). To doubt yourself everyday all day is not healthy, but a good dose of “hmm’s” is prescribed.

I was cleaning off my desktop when I found this in my file called, “Works In Progress”. Befitting, eh? Aren’t we all? Is anyone ever finished “being”? It was said that even the famous Mona Lisa wasn’t finished…but, I digress…badly. LOL Here’s what I found:

Oh yea?

That’s going to be my new go-to motto. “Oh Yea?”…because I just don’t know what to say anymore to anything going on around me. So funny…I’ve been said to be so smart…so cool a person…so sweet…so strong. Oh yea? I’m so smart…but, my common sense ducks and hides when met with emotional decision. I’m so cool…oh yea? Then why is it I can feel the feverish ire rise to my ears? I am sweet…but it isn’t all I am. I’m a lot of things. It takes many special and important components to equal THIS design of God’s, so I am never one thing all the time. I am so strong…usually for others. I can fight the battles of the underdog with a cape and lettered chest. I’ve got my super power on deck and my deflector cuffs shined and ready. Ask me how I deal with my OWN disappointment, heart break, frustration, confusion, fear and defeat? Someone else might say, “You’re strong Kali”…I ask, “oh yea? Really?”

Nothing can be more frustrating to me than being in the position to win and then losing. Or have it FEEL like I’m losing. To have been 2 steps ahead, gathering the tornado of strength from within and getting as far as the gate of the house…only to have that tap on the shoulder spin me around. Bags dropped. Resistance weakened…plan foiled. Yea the analogy is of one “leaving” but it can be as simple as having an issue arise, finding the solution, preparing for execution of a plan…only to have exhausted all of your energy and to be too tired to leave the gate.

I’m tired. I’ve taken on so many journeys and fights…and I’m not saying that I wont continue to fight. I’m just saying I’m tired. Perhaps that means that I need a break…a detour from the main road…and some solitude. Maybe I need to unpack and repack lighter…find my most lightweight things and get the rest of my supplies on the trip. All I know, is that as things stand, I find myself preparing a trip for one…and picking up “thumbers” along the way. No one is giving me gas money. I’m feeding these folks and going without. Driving with no help and damnit…my eyes are tired. I can’t see the map for shit…and clearly, somewhere between the nods and dozes while driving along…I ended up in the wrong fucking lane, city, state…and now, I’m further off course than I could’ve imagined. And guess what? When you’ve driven and fed and gased, basically financing their [ego] trip…they get out of your now raggedy ass hoopty…and wave bye. They’ve reached their destination (or the rest stop until they can hitch hike on someone else’s dime) and they could care less how you get to where you going. *sigh*

So, when someone is sitting around and saying how smart, cool, sweet and strong I am…I’m gonna say, “Oh yea?…wanna drive?”

I wrote that sometime ago…and when I re-read it…I remembered this challenge. When I saw today’s truth…I said, wow…this’ll work. Truth is…that the paragraph above is a mere drop in the bucket for how lost I’ve felt in this lifetime. There has been some very lonely and hopeless moments where I prayed for death. Where I asked God to come in and release me from the pain of failing life. That moment…was just that, a moment. I woke up and said, No. This isn’t how I’m supposed to be. This isn’t my purpose. My spirit, strong and fiery…refuses to be squelched. There is no way that my life is meant to end with an answered prayer of frustration. Losing my great-grandmother in ’91 and then my grandmother in last year…were the times when I most felt like dying. I also had that thought when I was in an abusive relationship. Like i said, my own spirit wouldn’t let me.

So…Yes. I’ve thought about it. No…I haven’t.