3~ The One Who Wasn’t

…he named me.

Last/Most Recent Love…what they meant/mean to you…

~deep sigh~

Well, the bottom line is that I THOUGHT he was the one, but he wasn’t. Duh…isn’t that almost always the case after we’ve broken up with someone and moved on? Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

I met him on a social site and maintained a VERY long distance “relationship” for about 2 1/2 years. Never meeting…never consummating the love…always waiting. He swept in at first…a confidante. Eventually, a bond sparked and we were up all night talking and laughing until we fell asleep. (Eventually, it became clear that I wasn’t the only one he did these things with). He was good…

In spite of the things I found out about that brought our time to a close…he taught me some things. He was someone who helped me come out of my shell. He helped me be less fearful and more open to showing people who I am. His charms, concern and humor made me want more of him. The dude had a dynamic and addictive personality…but, I often in the end found myself wondering how much of him was the real him and not the persona he wanted to put forward. He always said that people sent their “representatives” on dates and in the beginning of relationships…and now, I see he was talking about himself.

Marriage was proposed, a powerful life of love was promised…but ultimately it became wisps in the wind. I often times wished he would’ve just asked to be my friend and not perpetrate a relationship that he wasn’t capable of at the time. I wanted to marry him, have a kid or two with him and show him that love didn’t suck like pro hoes. Yet, he showed ME that procrastination and secrets are the killer of dreams and time’s potential.

I sometimes wonder if he and I will ever have the conversation I believe we need to have. That convo that is honest and raw, uncut and truthful, lacking in fear of rejection and without blame. I could’ve lived (and have) with his not wanting me. Hey, to each his own right? What I COULDN’T deal with is being led down a path of delusion and exclusion (of his real life and intentions). He could’ve spared me that heart break. His actions cut deep.

All I know…is that I loved him more than anyone I’ve laid eyes on. Crazy right? Not so much. I believe that how people in LD relationships connect is as real a way to connect as meeting in person. There are little to no hang-ups about physicality. Getting trapped off by lustful yearnings because of what one looks like is a top misleading way people confuse love with other things. I am not ashamed that I loved him in this way. What I wish, is that before I’d given my heart, emailed it and sealed it with an e-kiss…that he would’ve told me that I wasn’t the one…

I wont!





I won’t


I won’t cry, I tell myself.

I won’t tally up this year’s heart breaks and curl up into tears. Feeling sorry for myself…becoming a “victim of circumstance” *fuck you*…


I won’t sit here and question my actions in a situation that ended disrespectfully and indignantly. I won’t ask myself those questions that people ask when they’re hurt…and not thinking straight. I won’t


I…am thinking of ME, now. My grandmother left this earth in March…because she cared about others SO much that she didn’t take care of herself. Sure…she was 81, but her health took a sudden downhill direction in less than 2 years due to two men. Both, unable to do for themselves…yet, still selfish. Sickness and disease doesn’t ALWAYS change people for the better. Some just get intensely worse. Between my two uncles (one a great…one my dad’s sibling)…my grandmother gave her physical, financial and emotional energies away in doubles. I won’t do this. I will always care for people…give what I can…what it is I feel they need. I WON’T give more than I can, should or want to…for fear that if they fall apart…it will be MY fault.


Grown folks do what grown folks want…if you’re not a child…kick rocks.


I WON’T except excuses for half-assed relationships, friendships and family. If you love someone…the truth is simple. The love isn’t complex…it’s SIMPLE. Love is a verb doing. If you’re family and you allow outside folks to interfere with the family fabric…you can get the full-on iceberg slim cold shoulder. No one should be able to come in and disrespect, create a chasm, be a wall between you and your clan. PERIOD! I ain’t fucking with NO more selfish people. If you’re MY friend…you don’t let SHIT get between us that we can’t discuss or deal with. NO excuses. If you’re MY man…you come get me. You show me. You make shit happen for us…b/c you better believe I’mma spoil you. I’m gonna hold you down. I’m supporting, loving, giving, sexing your mind and body, feeding your soul and belly, smiling FOR you when you’re feeling down, being a wife-kween to you and upholding all the beautiful, classy, regal qualities that go with it while being your BEST fucking friend and loving you even when your shit stinks and no one else understands. I deserve the same…again…NO excuses. If I get greasy with you…so fucking what. Tighten that shit up and get back, because if you put me in my place…I’m gonna play my position and take that shit like a woman as long as you’re not disrespecting me. Like Brandy and Ray J’s dad said the other night, “When you’re IN love…it hits you like a tidal wave”. How can you deny a wave?


I WON’T let 2010’s early bullshit run me into the ground and make me question whose I am.


Because…when I’m not someone’s daughter…
grandbaby…
niece…
cousin…
sister…
godmother…
lover…
best friend…
ride or die…
I’m STILL HIS creation. God’s anointed one. Yea, He knows me well and still loves me and I WON’T forget that!


Kali: (Egyptian) “Child closest to God…”


…Absolutely!