Dia Viente y Seis~ Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up On Life?

If so, when and why?
Well, I’ve been in a lot of life situations that left me listless. I’ve had moments where I questioned what my purpose was and if I was even a valuable presence in anyone’s life. I often say, that a person who never doubts themselves…is fooling themselves. Doubt is a necessary tool that keeps you humble and cautious (in it’s place). To doubt yourself everyday all day is not healthy, but a good dose of “hmm’s” is prescribed.
I was cleaning off my desktop when I found this in my file called, “Works In Progress”. Befitting, eh? Aren’t we all? Is anyone ever finished “being”? It was said that even the famous Mona Lisa wasn’t finished…but, I digress…badly. LOL Here’s what I found:
Oh yea?

That’s going to be my new go-to motto. “Oh Yea?”…because I just don’t know what to say anymore to anything going on around me. So funny…I’ve been said to be so smart…so cool a person…so sweet…so strong. Oh yea? I’m so smart…but, my common sense ducks and hides when met with emotional decision. I’m so cool…oh yea? Then why is it I can feel the feverish ire rise to my ears? I am sweet…but it isn’t all I am. I’m a lot of things. It takes many special and important components to equal THIS design of God’s, so I am never one thing all the time. I am so strong…usually for others. I can fight the battles of the underdog with a cape and lettered chest. I’ve got my super power on deck and my deflector cuffs shined and ready. Ask me how I deal with my OWN disappointment, heart break, frustration, confusion, fear and defeat? Someone else might say, “You’re strong Kali”…I ask, “oh yea? Really?”

Nothing can be more frustrating to me than being in the position to win and then losing. Or have it FEEL like I’m losing. To have been 2 steps ahead, gathering the tornado of strength from within and getting as far as the gate of the house…only to have that tap on the shoulder spin me around. Bags dropped. Resistance weakened…plan foiled. Yea the analogy is of one “leaving” but it can be as simple as having an issue arise, finding the solution, preparing for execution of a plan…only to have exhausted all of your energy and to be too tired to leave the gate.

I’m tired. I’ve taken on so many journeys and fights…and I’m not saying that I wont continue to fight. I’m just saying I’m tired. Perhaps that means that I need a break…a detour from the main road…and some solitude. Maybe I need to unpack and repack lighter…find my most lightweight things and get the rest of my supplies on the trip. All I know, is that as things stand, I find myself preparing a trip for one…and picking up “thumbers” along the way. No one is giving me gas money. I’m feeding these folks and going without. Driving with no help and damnit…my eyes are tired. I can’t see the map for shit…and clearly, somewhere between the nods and dozes while driving along…I ended up in the wrong fucking lane, city, state…and now, I’m further off course than I could’ve imagined. And guess what? When you’ve driven and fed and gased, basically financing their [ego] trip…they get out of your now raggedy ass hoopty…and wave bye. They’ve reached their destination (or the rest stop until they can hitch hike on someone else’s dime) and they could care less how you get to where you going. *sigh*

So, when someone is sitting around and saying how smart, cool, sweet and strong I am…I’m gonna say, “Oh yea?…wanna drive?”

I wrote that sometime ago…and when I re-read it…I remembered this challenge. When I saw today’s truth…I said, wow…this’ll work. Truth is…that the paragraph above is a mere drop in the bucket for how lost I’ve felt in this lifetime. There has been some very lonely and hopeless moments where I prayed for death. Where I asked God to come in and release me from the pain of failing life. That moment…was just that, a moment. I woke up and said, No. This isn’t how I’m supposed to be. This isn’t my purpose. My spirit, strong and fiery…refuses to be squelched. There is no way that my life is meant to end with an answered prayer of frustration. Losing my great-grandmother in ’91 and then my grandmother in last year…were the times when I most felt like dying. I also had that thought when I was in an abusive relationship. Like i said, my own spirit wouldn’t let me.
So…Yes. I’ve thought about it. No…I haven’t.