I wrote this in tears.
I wrote this in frustration.
Yesterday was a hell of a day. On some good levels and some not so good. When I say not ONE of my girls had a good day…I mean it. I don’t know if this is the “Season of Tears” or what…but, yesterday I saw my girls cry. I heard the weariness in their voices and seen them give up on love. That not only saddens me…it ANGERS me. It angers me that these ladies are looking at love as the issue. How, believing that in letting love in…they’ve allowed in pain. Oooh, if I could paddle the asses of those responsible for making my girls feel this way, I would. Line em up like frat lines and ask them who is the most splendiferous sweetest baddest mama in charge. LOL
I saw tears in the eyes of a woman who believed that the best thing for her to do was run from love…and then when she decided NOT to, the person she opened herself to showed her that she should’ve run screaming. I saw the eyes of another woman, who misses her man. She is still in shell shock after a month or more…and its deafening…the silent torture she is going through. Then, there’s the woman who loves with everything she has. Just when she doesn’t think she has anymore…she finds some in the recesses of her soul. Just when she doesn’t think that she can forgive…she does. Today…her heart was heavy. She had to let a friend go out of her life and it just made her say NO. NO MORE. She’s ready to blacken her heart and retreat into herself. WHAT THE FRIED CHICKEN HEARTS IS GOING ON? How did my girls…some of the most loving people I know, end up so hopeless about love? How is it that the ladies, who have championed by my side and helped me to remember where love truly resides *inside of us* have become truly hardened to love’s effects? I tell you how…it’s the selfishness. It’s the manipulative ways. It’s the taxing of their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual selves. It’s the cycle of abuse on every level. It’s the inability to let go when you know that the “love” you’re in…is no longer love…if it ever was.
One of the things I love to say is accountability is key. If you DON’T know you better read some previous blogs or something. It’s my favorite word. It means basically…to know your part in a situation and own up. Don’t play it down and shift blame because you lack courage for introspection. We’re all accountable for SOMETHING…find yaself…but, my point here, is this:
I’m not saying that these ladies didn’t play a part in the crumbling of their situations. I know for sure that I can track my own actions throughout relationships. Red flags ignored, outs I didn’t take, moves I didn’t make, times I didn’t stand up for myself. So, yes…sometimes us women stay too long. Deal with demons that don’t belong to us. Allow for someone to mistreat us under the assumption that somehow we’re “helping” them work through something. We sometimes fear loneliness, rejection and possible replacement. Insecurities, past failures…all that shit plays into our mental fights against staying or leaving…but, what matters most…is that we stay. We try to stick it out and not quit on the ones we love…and sometimes its to our detriment. Sometimes we stay and THEY leave…but, either way…the pain can be paralyzing. Creatures of nurture from birth…women give naturally and at times without expectation. It often leaves some of us empty without resources to refill our own spirits.
If, I could…I would place in these women’s hearts…the hope and faith of love. The enduring side of love. The faith of knowing that love doesn’t reside in any one person. The home of love is God for those who believe…for those who don’t, that love STILL resides in self. Whichever way you butter that bread, the love comes through YOU as acceptance and openness…not from the object of your affections. So, when they leave, or we leave…love doesn’t have to. I pray that these ladies and even men who have been hurt and taken for granted, disrespected, abused and made to feel inadequate…know the truest of loves. God’s and self.
That is all…