When January 1st, 2010 rolled in on tears and pain…I promised myself that not only would this year be different, but that the rest of my LIFE would be different.
The way I’ve been viewing life, by limitations and expectations is not something I want to do anymore. I’ve been limited by my disability (yes, I have one…I have Severe Narcolepsy), which up until now has been something only a select few know of me. I’m not one to put my business out there, but this is a part of who I am…and I’m not ashamed. The ignorance that is abound isn’t anything I have control over…but c’est la vie.
I was in a relationship for 2yrs with someone I’d never laid eyes on…and I loved him like he woke up next to me every day…but, because of my limitations (medically and financially) I wasn’t able to visit him. I’d hoped that HE would do that, in understanding my situation…but, I see now so much that I didn’t see before…or maybe what I didn’t want to admit. I now know more than I ever wanted to know about how to measure intentions against actions. I now am left to question if “I love you” was just something he said to me while trying to convince himself in the process. Don’t get me wrong, with all my feelings of frustration, abandonment, neglect and residual anger…I don’t wish him ill. I pray that he finds what he was looking for…because clearly, it wasn’t me. I’m okay with that, too. I just wish he hadn’t taken me for a ride while trying to figure out what he wanted.
I also had connections and friendships with people who were unhealthy in their origin and their purpose. I leaned on a few people through my struggles with the “distant long distance relationship” and I realize that I misplaced a lot of feelings onto them. Making others responsible for making me feel validated, when my ex wasn’t doing that. I’ve learned that relationships are SUPPOSED to be intimate and fulfilling. When you need supplements from other sources, you NEED to check why you’re still in a dysfunctional situation, instead of trying to get others to pinch hit for the person who isn’t hitting on a damn thing. I believe that a friendship or two has fallen victim to my inability to free myself from an agonizing position…not to mention, not understanding when those people (with their own lives and issues) weren’t around when I needed. I still love them, but I also realize that loving someone means allowing them to move on and be happy separate from any pressures that you may be imposing.
I’m also learning to follow my dream of writing and publishing my own book. I’ve been writing for YEARS and I’ve got TONS of ideas and story lines churning about. At this point though…having turned 37, something has to give. I have been writing this novel (and now it’s sequel) for over 3yrs. I’ve been clinging to it like a protective mother…not wanting to let it be embraced by others. Now, it’s time. It’s bittersweet though…there are some folks, who throughout my “penning period” have championed my cause…and I wish they were here to go through this excitement with me. I hope that though things may be strained between us…”they” will be proud of me anyway.
What I learned most…the biggest lesson of all, is that I have GOT to be my own team. I’ve got to do the research, the reading, the legwork, the motivation, the support system…to get this thing rolling. There are my loved ones, who say, “Oh, I’m soo proud of you. I’m happy for you.”…and I know they mean it with the reverberations of the words from their souls. Yet, I also know…that until it’s materialized…for them it’s just a thought trying to be a reality. Very few will offer to read, or donate to my cause…because, well…life happens. Everyone has their own thing going. They can’t afford to hip hip hooray for an “idea”…they’ve been waiting for me to burst forward for years. So no blame…but, I know that it’s a solo ride. One for Team Kween!!