I velo uoy

That’s how those words come out sounding to me now. Jumbled and confused…making no sense on paper nor audibly understandable.

I’ve been the self-proclaimed “kween of love” for a long time now. I’ve advocated love…championed it’s causes, whether it’s been familial love, friendship love, or spousal/mate love. I even perpetuate love of strangers. I’ve gotten into knock down, drag out debates about love and how IT doesn’t hurt and how it’s people…hurt people to be exact, who HURT people. About how love and respect is synonymous if you understand TRUE love. How love is simple and life/people are complicated. I’ve said that love is unconditional when understood in it’s truest form and intent…God’s love. I’ve told more than a few and said it to myself more than a few times…that “love doesn’t reside in one person…it resides in you by way of God”. In that moment, I’m usually telling someone that no matter how much you felt that “no one would love you how he does” or that “you’d never love another”…it is a choice you’re making to excuse away wasting time on someone who doesn’t want to give you what you need. *insert a talking hand gesture*

I’m tired. I’m tired of talking about love. I’m tired of saying how much love is worth in a person’s life. I’m tired of trying to show grown folks how to do simple things…like own up to their emotions, truths, life and live through love in the moment. I’m SICK of telling folks how, you can’t control love. There is no love in control and no control in love. It’s a free-flowing thing that one succumbs to by allowing their heart and spirit to guide them, rather than the mind. I’m exasperated, exhausted, fatigued and SPENT at trying to love folks at their core. Seeing all that they hide, trying to love them for whom they are…all for them to try to make me feel like it’s not  worth it. 

If I say I love you…it’s forever. I never stop. No matter WHAT you do short of tryna kill me…and even then, I’ll say “maybe that fool didn’t have his/her Wheaties”. LOL I know that, it’s not in me to promise you love and then renege. It’s not in me to show interest if I’m not genuinely interested. It’s not in me to say you’re my friend and then treat you like an associate. It’s not in me to treat strangers better than I do my own clan. I don’t comprehend malice. I don’t comprehend blatant lies and deception. I don’t make room in my heart and energy spaces for bullshit ass averments that amount to a hill of cat shit. I take love seriously…very. I’m always prepared to show and prove…so what the fuck is wrong that I can’t get the same? I shouldn’t have to tell ADULTS how to be that. I shouldn’t have to remind you of what you said you’d do, who you said you were, where you said you’d be. Either you’re about the business of being true or you’re not. Pick a persona and stick with it. DO you…just let me know, so I can respond accordingly. Love is love…even from a distance!

Perhaps I overstated being the kween of love. I think I’ll go change my Twitter name to JustALoverOfLove and cop to being a romantic that has grown hopeless. Or perhaps, I’m just in a weary state and when I’ve climbed and tugged at the terrain for sure-footing (the Capricorn in me) I’ll be renewed and back to the kween’s glory of reigning in love.

Until then…”I velo uoy”

I wont!

I won’t

I won’t cry, I tell myself.

I won’t tally up this year’s heart breaks and curl up into tears. Feeling sorry for myself…becoming a “victim of circumstance” *fuck you*…

I won’t sit here and question my actions in a situation that ended disrespectfully and indignantly. I won’t ask myself those questions that people ask when they’re hurt…and not thinking straight. I won’t

I…am thinking of ME, now. My grandmother left this earth in March…because she cared about others SO much that she didn’t take care of herself. Sure…she was 81, but her health took a sudden downhill direction in less than 2 years due to two men. Both, unable to do for themselves…yet, still selfish. Sickness and disease doesn’t ALWAYS change people for the better. Some just get intensely worse. Between my two uncles (one a great…one my dad’s sibling)…my grandmother gave her physical, financial and emotional energies away in doubles. I won’t do this. I will always care for people…give what I can…what it is I feel they need. I WON’T give more than I can, should or want to…for fear that if they fall apart…it will be MY fault.

Grown folks do what grown folks want…if you’re not a child…kick rocks.

I WON’T except excuses for half-assed relationships, friendships and family. If you love someone…the truth is simple. The love isn’t complex…it’s SIMPLE. Love is a verb doing. If you’re family and you allow outside folks to interfere with the family fabric…you can get the full-on iceberg slim cold shoulder. No one should be able to come in and disrespect, create a chasm, be a wall between you and your clan. PERIOD! I ain’t fucking with NO more selfish people. If you’re MY friend…you don’t let SHIT get between us that we can’t discuss or deal with. NO excuses. If you’re MY man…you come get me. You show me. You make shit happen for us…b/c you better believe I’mma spoil you. I’m gonna hold you down. I’m supporting, loving, giving, sexing your mind and body, feeding your soul and belly, smiling FOR you when you’re feeling down, being a wife-kween to you and upholding all the beautiful, classy, regal qualities that go with it while being your BEST fucking friend and loving you even when your shit stinks and no one else understands. I deserve the same…again…NO excuses. If I get greasy with you…so fucking what. Tighten that shit up and get back, because if you put me in my place…I’m gonna play my position and take that shit like a woman as long as you’re not disrespecting me. Like Brandy and Ray J’s dad said the other night, “When you’re IN love…it hits you like a tidal wave”. How can you deny a wave?

I WON’T let 2010’s early bullshit run me into the ground and make me question whose I am.

Because…when I’m not someone’s daughter…
best friend…
ride or die…
I’m STILL HIS creation. God’s anointed one. Yea, He knows me well and still loves me and I WON’T forget that!

Kali: (Egyptian) “Child closest to God…”


20 Things about da Kween

I got this tag from one of the newer bloggers I’m following Ms. Reese over at Sweet Insanity and Sarcasm. As she says…getchu some!

  1. Grey’s Anatomy
  2. Ghost Whisperer
  3. Family Guy
  4. Desperate Housewives
  5. Keeping up with the Kardashians (my guiltiest pleasure) lol
  1. Prince- “Adore”
  2. Johnny Kemp- “Just Got Paid”
  3. Cameo- “Candy”
  4. Michael Jackson- “Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough”
  5. New Edition- “If It Isn’t Love”
  6. http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/51111054
  1. Cell
  2. Trident Layers gum in Strawberry Citrus
  3. Keys
  4. Wallet 
  5. Lip gloss
  1. Beautiful unique things
  2. Pens and paper
  3. Butterflies/Butterfly things
  4. Music
  5. Books

Hey Thick and Sexy…

…REALLY now?

Is this what it is? Men think it’s okay to approach a woman like this?

Now wait {scratches chin}…before some of you say, “Damn, Kween…maybe he thought you were THICK and SEXY!” or “See, if he DIDN’T holla…” (go ahead and add other possible reactions). Yet, what I’m getting at isn’t that the dude responsible for the blog title is wrong for being attracted to me, or getting the gumption to actually approach…but, his METHOD is what I question. Even though I am cool with being considered thick and sexy…I don’t quite appreciate that being the first thing out of a man’s mouth when he speaks to me for the first time.

If I said to a dude on first glance, “Hey Cute and Chubby” or “Hey Short and Sexy”…regardless of the underlying implication that I’m indeed allured by said attributes…it MIGHT be considered a little on the disrespectful/hurtful side. Most people I know don’t want to be called by names associated with body type. Even if a chick is shaped like a Coke bottle…to call her that, to me is indicative of 1) lack of originality 2) superficiality and 3) lack of manners/decorum.  It’s flat out classless.

So…when cat hit me with a message and said “Hey there, Thick and Sexy”…I wasn’t flattered. I was turned off. I felt as if he didn’t (as DeBarge so eloquently sung) “…dig deep into your train of thought…try to find something new…what worked so well for you before…for me just won’t do…” Whatever happened to, “Hi, my name is…” or “Hello Pretty…” hell even THAT is better than thick and sexy. It’s almost like saying to ME…that thick AND sexy are two different things…and with me, everything that I am is embodied in my sex[y]. From my mental splendor…to the fluff in my figure…to the wit that makes me funny…to my spiritual “innocence” and my emotional tenderness. It’s all a part of me…and I’M sexy…because I say so. I just don’t want a dude more or less “cat-calling” me without even knowing if that’s how I get down. Don’t say, “Hey boo”, “Hey Ma”, etc. Boo and Ma and Baby are terms of endearment…and I feel they’re better suited to someone whom you are already endeared to. 

A kween of my sort must be approached with the care and respect of an admired butterfly. Not so much to tread lightly…as to tread with the truth in mind that this thing of beauty (inside and out) isn’t to be roughed off or handled like any other.

*deleting message*