Not you, Yes you…

 

The Internet is a wonderful place for finding new and different ways to express yourself. Whether it’s social media based on pics, or blogs, or video…you can find just about anything in the right place for the right reason.

All day, everyday, Americans and the industrialized world over, communicate via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, YouTube, etc…giving their followers a piece of their mind, heart and soul. For some, it’s artistry in some form, for others it’s just a way to release…and that is where my topic today lies.

So often on social media we see “subliminal tweets”, “vague statuses” and “general memes” used to convey hurt or “salty” feelings about what bothers us. This can be therapeutic and in some cases it can be detrimental.

Why detrimental? Glad you asked 🙂

Mostly it’s because when you begin the habit of sharing your vague and what sums up to be passive aggressive feelings, you’re not addressing the issues. You’re just sharing your gripe passively, with the hopes [or understanding] that people who follow you will see and either cosign your point, or ask you what’s wrong.

Translation: Attention!!

There’s nothing wrong with asking a question or bringing up a topic and wanting a consensus from your friends. I asked a question just last night on my Facebook page. It’s totally fine to share yourself with your friends and be transparent and relate-able. That’s some of the point of being online with millions…maybe even billions of other people. The melting pot of thoughts and experiences, bringing you all together under the pretense of socializing.

Yet, I wonder if we’re not ruining our interpersonal communication with those around us. If we never confront anything head on, only writing it subliminally and not directly, do we risk the chance of alienating our loved ones? What happens if your friend gets on your last frayed nerve and instead of saying exactly that TO your friend, you tweet it…or status it, or create a meme. Now, it can seem if you’re making fun of your friend. They feel potentially betrayed by the idea of you going to the masses and allowing people who have NO clue what each side is fairly…to side with you or disrespect your friend anonymously.

…but, don’t we all at some point wonder? When we see a status about something, and we take into account who are friend is and who we are to them, don’t we take the risk that they will intuit we’re speaking about them and then reassess the friendship?

Don’t let them do what YOU’VE done…which is then in turn, post about the kinda sorta argument you’re maybe NOT having…and then you have hurt feelings swirling about, landing nowhere but in the ether[net] to fall on the heads of those who may see themselves in your rant.

Are we removing the connectivity to HUMANS in order to connect online? How do we find our way back to organic relations where feelings are discussed and dealt with, rather than allowing assumptions and hidden resentments take over and create tension.

Especially if there are no actions to back up those feelings. People will be angry at each other, feel some kinda way and yet, won’t delete the person…and so when they begin talking again, all is forgotten until the next infraction.

I just hope we’ll get over this stage of social media miscommunication where people are writing and disclosing hurtful things while saying, “Not you…” in person and thinking “Yes you…” in their heads and hearts.

Who has the answers? Sway? Anyone?

Tired of Strong

why can’t I emote?

Speaking with my friends is often cathartic…for who…is relative. A conversation may begin with my complaint of the day, or theirs…or just a meeting of the minds on the topic of the day. Either way, I’m constantly inspired by the dialogue between my girls and me.

One of the topics on the table was the expectations cast on women from the time they’re able to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  We talked about how we’re taught socially to “be nice”, “act like a lady”, and not to be loud or too expressive. Read: Don’t be too emotional.

This has always bothered me as a double standard, but for some reason…right here in this moment of my life, it’s down right insulting and I’m exhausted by it. I refuse to allow anyone, male or female to negotiate the hostage-taking of my emotions, the right to express myself and my right to my needs being taken care of.

We’re taught to be compassionate and loving. We’re given dolls and miniature versions of our mother’s day to day tools. Mini kitchens, babies, clothes, dishes, food…all packaged as pink, girly accessories for a little girl’s fantasy life. We’re taught to play quietly in the corner while honing the skills we’ll one day use for our husbands and children. The same is shoved down the throats of young boys, no matter their desire for other ways to express themselves. They’re given cars, action figures and some of the best Lego parts, *lol* so that they can hone their skills to navigate, build and be in motion. Us girls are taught to stay planted at the homestead and make sure that everything is perfect for our mate’s return home.

This is sickening…it’s sexist and it’s a direct insult to the many children who have “unpopular” needs and desires.

I digress…What brought about the overall topic of women and their place, was an article on Gas-Lighting as a form of emotional abuse. How we women are taught as little girls to undermine our memories, needs and issues with the world, with the subtle manipulation of our need to be approved of and accepted.

We’re taught that the simple act of reminding your spouse to do a household chore equates to nagging. We’re told that our expression of emotion is a torturous, agonizing, and a somewhat punishing kind of chiding that is the root of all relationship issues.

We’re taught that our jobs, careers and hobbies are fleeting wanderlust and not beneficial to our relationships.

“You can’t keep a man, nagging all of the time…”
“You have to bring a man peace of mind…learn to shut up”
“You can’t be TOO independent…”

…what about OUR peace of mind? Are we so caught up with the idea of being in a union that we’ll forgo our own voided needs and feelings of discontent to keep a man from leaving us…or God forbid, keep him from hating us. We’re led down the path of inflicting misogynistic ideals onto ourselves. Something like, how slaves no longer needed chains once they’d begun teaching themselves the fears of being caught. We women teach ourselves how unworthy we are until we’re a wife, a mother or a complete master at what we do.

We are taught that not only do we have to be seen and not heard, but we’re also taught that we have to be strong about it. No tears…no weak displays that will just add to the stress of our mate. We have to buck up and take every hit like we’re bullet proof. We’re not allowed to be delicate, weak and in need of love and provision, lest we be needy, clingy and gold-diggers.  Everything we do to the chagrin of the man in this society has a name. We can’t be sexual beings…lest we be whores. We can’t be assertive, lest we be bitches. We’re made to feel as if emotions are poisonous and a detriment to our marketability.

What I found interesting (and brought up to my sister friend) was how we’re pigeon-holed as the emotional “unstable creatures”, while men have started wars over the love of a woman and hurt egos. How when we were kids, boys pulled my hair and pushed me down to show their interest. Don’t let them get rejected! In comes the hurling of insults like bricks. “Bitch”, “Fat bitch”, “Whore”…tell me I’m wrong! I’ve seen hurt men become irreparably damaged by a broken heart, dragging every woman he dates  thereafter, down a path of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I’ve been in relationships where my love was neglected because he “never wanted to make the same mistake again”, yet he craved the intimacy of MY love and dedication. Oh, but women are the emotional whores…

One of the other things we discussed was how we end up wondering are we “too much”. Are we dramatic, extra, over-emoting beings who are incapable of controlling our feelings. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are extremes to every dynamic. Just as there are men who self-destruct when hurt, we have women who become dramatic attention whores to compensate for missing love and abandonment issues. These people DO exist, but we’re talking about an overall expectation on women, no matter her demeanor or personality, that casts us in the role of the psycho girlfriend who has the NERVE to ask for love. Wow…who does she think she is? O_O

Anyway, I hadn’t written a blog in a while and I decided to come here and lay some feelings down. I’m hoping that this little entry can somewhat give another woman a sense that she’s understood and not alone. It’s okay to be tired of strong.

F.A.T: Fat And Taunted

I went to bed with this on my mind and the moment I woke up and saw pics from last night’s Oscars…it hit me again.

Last night I saw something so ugly, that I had no choice but to unfollow and block them. A guy who I’d been following on Instagram, was so mean that it was either cuss him beyond his own comprehension…or leave…I left.

He said that Gabby Sidibe didn’t deserve to be on stage (or seen for that matter) and that she should have someone accept her award FOR her because she was like the auntie we all were too embarrassed to have around…well, I was embarrassed to have HIM around. I was angry at myself for not unfollowing sooner. He posts inflammatory things daily and I just scrolled on by because I felt that maybe his good posts outweighed *no pun* his bad. Not so. I tried to deal because he was an acquaintance of a family member, and I was trying to accept him for who he was, but this was too much…even for me. I’m as big as her and I knew if he felt that way about her…he feels the same about ME. It took everything in me to “choose my battle”…to walk away without a word or to “tell him about himself”. I decided that, perhaps he didn’t require awareness unto himself. Maybe he was fine with the way he sees fat people. they’re disgusting and unworthy of applaud for just being a human…being.

He said she didn’t “have the body” for that dress and I thought, ‘she has HER body’ ~sigh~ I just know I don’t have to deal with it. I don’t have to suffer quietly so people won’t think I’m sensitive or “guilty” of the similar crime of being overweight. I refuse to stand by and watch people throw shade on overweight people. Your slim frame doesn’t mean you get to clown everyone heavier than you. I see your “hot mess” and your funny memes and guess what? IT’S NOT FUNNY!

Your trigger is your trigger. I don’t believe that just because I’m your “friend” here that you’re not “talking about ME”…but, you are. The same way if you were non-Black and cracked a joke about Black people, is the same reception you’re going to get when I see you ROFL at some fat person’s dilemma. I’m over people’s hatefulness. I’m DONE with people pretending it’s okay to say mean things and disguise it as TRUTH. Your truth isn’t mine and it DAMN sure doesn’t get to define the lines of respect that I have in place for me.

People are fighting for rights in foreign countries, people are mad at the war on Black youth, people are mad at the discrimination of the LGBT community…well I’m mad and am fighting for the right to be accepted as a fat person who has the inalienable right to be who I am without your judging eyes and unsolicited diet advice and your disrespectful snickers. You can’t work on SHIT of significance until you address the simple shit…like loving yourself…and the person beside you. Quit acting like if it ain’t serving your purpose and cause, then it’s not important. Peace is PEACE…not just the kind YOU wish to acquire.

Peace out…Kween-Sized Keys.

Oh…by the by…I thought Gabby looked gorgeous! 🙂

Do You See What I See?

I’m constantly observing…

To some, that is a good thing…to others, well…who cares? They can suck it.

What today’s observations have brought to my attention, are the amazing talent some people have for creating a bigger than life persona for themselves. I watch people who claim busyness…but are ever present on the Internet. I see people who barely show their faces, blaming their lack of image display on “stalkers” or “haters”. I even see people who claim themselves to be genius intellects who challenge group thinking, but don’t even see how badly they CLEARLY need the attention of the group around them.

Then there are these standards. I see a post on tumblr and the succession of events goes as follows: See beautiful girl (Insert GIF of happiness), She plays video games (insert GIF of extreme happiness).

Why is it that the “perfect” girl is the one who takes up and loves all of what men’s favorite activities? DISCLAIMER: This is not to say that women cannot love sports, video games and cars. I am stating that they should be able to do so without it being considered a “cool criteria” for the make up of the perfect mate.

A woman should be able to love tinkering with cars or playing football or kicking ass on the XBox, with OUT it being a source of cool points. Do women require a man to be a good shopper? To enjoy mani/pedis? To want to watch cooking shows all day? I mean, those ARE “women’s” activities…

It’s chauvinistic isn’t it? To make someone’s worth as a mate about whether they can participate in someone’s particular hobby. I believe that there will be plenty of things you don’t want to do together. I wouldn’t mind having a husband who loved football. While we might have mostly the same common interests…I’m sure we could survive if I decided to make his friends snacks, leave and go hang with my friends and return after the chaos has calmed. You don’t have to do EVERY thing together, and therefore you shouldn’t need for someone to love what you do for them to be perfect for you. You never know…you could love to play video games together, but hate each other’s families and friends. Which is more important?

Between the delusional people, the selfish people, the stereotyping of people…and supposed smart people who make dumb declarations it’s…

“Just another day…living in the hood…just another day around the way… ~ Queen Latifah “Just Another Day”

I NEED MORE!!

I’ve been trying to pimp my blogspot page for a few days now…and all I can tell you is…

I’M ADDICTED! I NEED MORE WIDGETS! LOL

I keep looking at my page and wondering, “What else does it need?”. I know for the most part that I’m trying to make the page more attractive. Something that will keep the readers here post comment. I found my old cyber-pet and renamed her. (Say hi to Wasabi) I also found a widget site, thanks to Mr. Chap…but the widget I wanted was too large for the page. I am still currently hunting for the perfect piece of entertainment for that left hand corner at the bottom. LOL

I actually don’t think that it will be enough. I can see this going on and on. Finding more interesting things to add to the page…hell, if anything it will keep ME occupied over here just playing games, teasing my virtual cat, and listening to my own music. I guess it’s like moving into a new apartment. You keep adding new pieces until you feel like it’s home.
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Grow UP!! PLEASE!

I swear. Everyday that I am on this Internet, I see more and more bullshit. I promise you, there are MORE children disguised as adults than there are children in this world. Everyone is always playing the Lame Ass Internet Kid role. For instance: I know plenty of people who do the whole “I’m gonna blast you in my blast” thing on 360. Its lame. I don’t do it, but I again, I am NOT in the bizness of telling folk how to run their page.

What bothers me is not that people do it…its WHY people do it. A lot of people do it because they don’t know how to say what they need TO the person to whom they’re referring to. If I haven’t figured out how to say it to someone personally (in person, over the phone, email, or IM)then I will NOT be sharing it with all of 360 to view and pontificate on. One of the things that pisses me off is people’s lack of understanding and compassion for each other. A person will see something they don’t like, or something they feel is addressed to them and instead of asking or saying their peace, they’ll assume and begin acting funny. Or people will come to their conclusions and allow bitterness brought about from past experiences to cloud their ability to accept human frailty and be forgiving. I have seen in the past year…WAY too many people who WANT and desire a certain kind of consideration and respect, but fall short of doling out those very same sentiments to others. People who forget that in order to be considered you must first consider. No one owes you a damn thing, and unless you’re somewhere in this world giving those things…don’t expect to be on the receiving end.

I am SICK of these crybabies. I am sick of people taking the beautiful things and people for granted. I am sick of having to worry about whose real and whose just a fair weather friend. At 35, I thought I’d have a better grasp on my friend’s list by now…but I see that even “I” have some cultivating to do! So, if you have a beef or concern with a person…be an adult. Sit that person down and talk it through and agree to respectfully resolve it one way or the other. All this open season on people’s characters are so stupid and immature and speak volumes as to who you are. No one can ever say that my blast is about them…or that I blogged them. For one, my life doesn’t revolve around others and their behaviors. I refuse to give someone the satisfaction of having me speak on them all the time and see that they matter if they really don’t. And if they DON’T matter…well, shit…stop blasting and blogging them. Let them go about their merry little way and lead a trite existence.

Peace