Thank You…Goodnight!

I do believe the era of the Kaleidoscope has come to an end. I’ve been blogging since 2006, when I signed up for a now defunct site called Y360 or Yahoo 360. I’ve met a LOT of my current circle from that site and have grown from all of the experiences that I’ve been blessed to see and survive. I just am not as into blogging as I once was. I feel at times repetitious and unoriginal and that’s never been me. I’d prefer to leave it as it is and take my last kween’s nod.

I will keep the poetry blog open. Though I haven’t written a poem in ages…poetry for me, simply can not be “done”. It’s an art and that sometimes means that it comes when it wants. Passion’s Fruit (the erotica site) may not be long behind the Kaleidoscope. We’ll see. I want to get onto the business of finishing projects and blogging or the responsibility of feeling like I should blog…isn’t helping. We all know that things get shut down/deactivated and are reactivated at a later date. Maybe that’s in this blog’s future…maybe not.

For now, I’d like to thank ALL of my readers and followers for all of your support and encouragement.

As of August 1st, 2012…I will close the Kaleidoscope to the public. The Kaleidoscope’s Facebook page however…will remain open as it is a forum for public thought and opinion as well as a vehicle for promotion. I do like to share OTHER people’s endeavors…so it will remain active for that purpose.

Again…Thank you. I love you…Good night.

And In Conclusion…

…I think that I’ve finally wrapped my mind around the fact that relationships aren’t for me.

I’ve championed the cause of love for years…and honestly, I still do believe that love is there for others. I just don’t think that there’s a man out there for me.

Ever felt this way? NOTHING works out? Not the up close and personal tries…not the long-distance Internet tries…nothing. I’m either a magnet for Lotharios who live proudly in the life of lying and manipulating or the ones who start out with bachelor tendencies and settle down with the NEXT chick. (Starting to feel like “Good Luck Charlie“).

I’ve decided that the life I have is enough…

Well, technically…for so long (save moments of wanderlust and yearning in the quiet of my own life) I’ve been by myself. I haven’t been in an on-going “relationship” since 2002. I’ve spent the last 9 years dating, falling in love with a couple of guys online and more or less being skimmed over by Cupid’s dastardly bow. There’s no other way to put it then that the problem HAS to be me.

I’m not taking blame for the liars, cheaters, manipulators, or fuck-offs. I’m simply saying that I understand the dynamic of relationships enough to know that “folks ain’t just picking on me”. There’s clearly a lesson I’m lacking to learn here and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life learning it if I don’t go back into my “spiritual lab” and reconfigure some chemical atoms that make up my combustive love life.

I’ve GOT to be doing something wrong y’all…so, I’ve decided a few things:

~> No more flirting online or off. Flirting gets you into trouble…especially when you’ve gone so long between relationships. The fiery enthralling of flirtatious fervor can make your lady parts burn with desire…and your brain cells burn out from the shit that comes with it. So, go ‘head…nothing to see here.

~> NO more online friendships with men are to be initiated or welcomed. I have a couple of guy friends whom I care for and the truth is…we’re better off as friends. Neither of them have ever expressed a desire to be with me and though we’ve probably had some minor chemistry at one point…we’ve elected mutually to have our friendship and be okay with it. If you’re not already down with “thee crown”…that’s it. Sorry…can’t help ya.

~> Continue on the BEAUTIFUL path of self-love, friend and familial love I’d been on earlier in the summer of 2011 before I became “distracted”. I was feeling my freedom and digging my heels into finally being over the ex for going on a year or more…and I don’t think I basked in that enough.

~> Follow my gut. I have my own standards and they are mine. My friends have theirs. I can’t be convinced to “give anyone a chance” when everything is screaming no. If my instincts say no, follow them. I can’t pacify friends and family so they feel like I’m not settling on loneliness. I actually ENJOY my dang company. Those who REALLY know me, know that I will disappear for a few days and it’ll have NOTHING to do with being sad or depressed. I’m somewhere singing at the top of my lungs, writing, watching movies and being some kinda creative. 🙂

It’s not that I’m giving up. I know it seems that way…but the truth is that, I’m accepting the stumbles as a clue to have a seat…a fancy seat…a THRONE. Once I do that…maybe…JUST maybe…God will seat my king beside me without my even realizing that’s what He was doing.

For now…Love…I’ll have to admire you from afar in the arms of lovers passing. ~blows kisses~

Not Bye…Later

 
Lately, a once foreign concept has become commonplace in my 2010 year.  There was a time, when the idea of “putting it all out there” for public consumption via blog…was something I shied away from doing. I’m a very private person and only talk to those I feel I can trust. (THAT is becoming a very short list) One of my bigger reasons for having chosen to avoid spilling my guts on blogs, was because I know that sometimes folks aren’t prepared to look up and read about themselves. They can take offense, when seeing their life written. I know that if someone was talking about me in my worst light…or just even my most private one…with no real way to defend myself, or feeling like I HAD to by commenting publicly…I would feel badly. SO, I’ve taken great care up until now…to share with the cyber-world the daily shit factory that has become my life. I know that this may come across eyes that will recognize themselves, but all I can say is…at least it isn’t facetiously written.
I also believed that, if you spat out ALL the things you go through AND with a not-so-nice tone….you run the risk of looking A-Class Jack Ass when you and the source of your rant kiss, make up and are making goo goo faces and playing patty cake…in the SAME damn forum. So, yes…saying what’s been on my mind on HERE has been a last resort. A cathartic release to help me move past the hurts and pains.
This week was bittersweet. While in my new job, I found my groove…exhibiting my skills of organization and efficiency, and winning accolades of my co-workers and supervisors. I LOVE that. I feel  really good right now about my progress. Yet, I lost a couple of friends this week as well. It shouldn’t have happened how it did, but when perceptions and personalities clash…and no one is willing to discuss the issue properly…little can be resolved. I wish that more than anything…it didn’t play out publicly and without clarity to the situation. Nevertheless, I can’t do a thing about that now.  If I’d had my choice, before swift and rash decisions were made to end things without knowing if the reasons were factual…I would’ve sat on it for a while longer. Not commit to actions that couldn’t be taken back…because guess what? Even if you delete/block someone, the damage is done already. You’ve already drawn attention to the tension. Giving folks a front row seat to the fiasco. Facebook isn’t where I saw these connections ending, but God knows that I am not for being made to look a fool on the word of someone else who doesn’t have all the facts. Deletion, was simply a way to assert my position of not allowing for anyone to fence me OUT and still keep me hanging…but, of course…I’m looked at as the bad guy. 
I’m sure there will be a great divide of mutual friends…people deciding before knowing, whose right and wrong. No status of 140 characters could elaborate the true reason for the estrangement, but I’ve ALSO decided not to make that a concern of mine. If people are smart, they’ll remain neutral. If not neutral…perhaps true to their allegiances and make a clean break instead of pretending to like me/them. I said this year was about me…and I meant it. I wont have ANYONE diminishing my importance, my feelings, my love…for any reason.
I’ve lost the one I thought I’d marry…I’ve lost a sister-friend, and a person who I thought transcended ANY definition of bond with…but, I wont even say I’ve “lost” anything. What’s truly mine to have cannot be taken away. True relation/friendships aren’t easily broken on words or even hurt feelings…even with time they reconstitute, sometimes stronger. Sometimes, people need space to grow in their own directions…to come back later having become apart what they couldn’t together. We don’t always realize that certain bonds can be crutches and distractions…enabling each other to remain stagnant. So, like butterflies…they go wherever the winds take them…
For them…I pray nothing but beautiful journeys, love in teeming waves, and success of the stellar kind. I love every last one of you…more than you’ll ever know.
1 Corinthians: 13