The Eighth Day…

…a day you realized what you wanted to do/be

I know you guys are gonna laugh at me…but, when I was about 7 or 8, my mom asked me what I wanted to be. I told her a………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….clown. LOL

I didn’t REALLY want to be a clown, but I loved McDonald’s and I loved Ronald. I might’ve been craving some Mickey D’s…I don’t know. lol

The truth is…when I was younger I used to want to be a counselor. Perhaps even at 12, it seemed my job was to listen to my friends’ problems. “What kinda problems can a 12yr old have?” you ask.

“My mother hates me…”

“I can’t stand my siblings!!”

“Why doesn’t he like me?”

Yea…seems small, but in a tween’s world…that’s everything. I love being there for my friends and figuring out ways to cheer them up. I wanted to do that because it never dawned on me to take my writing and build on it.

Writing was such second nature mechanics to me. It was like air, eating, taking showers…I wrote everything down and in detail. Journals, letters, and sketched stories were the ways I expressed myself. I could articulate how hurt I was, how angry I was…far better with a letter than an actual conversation. Poetry and even song lyrics began to fill my notebooks and I never once thought of doing it for a living….

I did consider teaching. I loved bringing knowledge to people. It was like offering water in a bottomless goblet of enrichment. I would take my small (not pocket) dictionary everywhere. It was riddled with lines. Squiggly red, blue, green, circles. My favorite things were color coded. Everything one color…flowers, the Greek alphabet, names for fairies, states, and synonyms for everyday words…all beautifully highlighted. My ex saw my dictionary one day and said, “Wow, baby…I’ve never seen anyone treat a dictionary like a regular book the way you do…”

Still, I found all kinds of interests. Did I want to be a fashion designer? I drew all of the time and often played with the idea of style. Did I want to be a gemologist? I loved jewelry and stones. Did I want to be a chef? I love to cook and could totally cater. Did I want to sing? NO. I CAN sing…my ass off, even…but that was never my dream. Too shy for stage displays.

Finally, right before settling into what I KNOW…writing…I had a temporary yen to be an event planner. I wanted to plan weddings and everything fabulous! My sister and I had even recruited a friend to be a partner for a short time in what we called “Pretty Pleased”. We researched, held bi-weekly meetings and did group assignments to acclimate ourselves to the world of planning on a budget. That fell through and left me listless for a bit.

…then I wrote my book. “Twisted Heart”. What began as a way to stay occupied during the day, morphed into a full-on novel of the suspense-drama-thriller kind. I started that book one day back in 2005 and now here I am…8 years later…and still clutching to it like an overprotective mother.

I’ll release her soon…she needs to be set free. Even if only for the sensation of having let go. I have also embraced my art in another way through Fancy Face Kreations…both art and writing have always held core spaces in my soul…it was only a matter of time before they bubbled up and introduced themselves. lol

Wondermentals: Purpose

I woke up this morning…well, that’s FIRST! *thanking God for the morning* Ok, so…I woke up this morning at a little before 7am and began cleaning. (why? I don’t know!) Just tidying up from last night’s dinner. I decided to watch something instead of going back to sleep. I found an old tried and true fave, “Soul Food”. I was watching the part where Miles was telling Teri how he was going from being a full time lawyer to pursuing his music full time. Made me wonder about how a dream needs to be better supported from our mates and loved ones…but it was the scene at the club that got me wondering. It’s the scene were Miles’ group, Milestone (After 7, Babyface, K-Ci and JoJo) are singing the song Miles wrote and Teri’s cousin attends. Teri’s ass doesn’t…but anyway. Teri’s cousin Faith is telling Miles how good his stuff is. I guess they’re vibing artist to artist and she tells him of how much she loves to dance. She said that it was the thing she thought about all the time. That it “feels so damn good”. I felt that. I have seen this movie UMPTEEN times and yet I felt that statement like I was sitting in the movie theater for the 1st time. I actually felt tears sting the corners of my eyes.

I immediately thought of my love for writing. Then of course, I realized how badly I need to focus and begin making it work for me. Of course the next question was…what am I doing? I cried a little…wondering what is my life? Now, if you don’t know…I’m still in DC. On my godmom mission…watching my godson. His mom has been under extreme pressure and stress. She lives alone here in DC (the baby’s father isn’t here right now)…and she was cracking under the strain. She’s been so spoiled all of her life. Her own mom’s only child. Coming to DC to attend Howard several years ago was the plan…not to end up struggling here, alone at 26 with baby of almost 2. So…I look over at her and my godson, Syre asleep and in my own thoughts of doubt, it was like God stepped in and shut those doubts DOWN! “You’re here for a reason. Your life is NOT without cause or purpose. He’s placed you were you belong. You’re needed here!” I’ve seen how much happier Aly has been. How less stressed she is…knowing her son is with someone who’d care for him without expecting anything in return except for her to be alright. I laugh at how my godson does the things I do and says the things I say. I can’t take credit for it all…but, I’ll say he’s got some consistency in his world now.

I believe…that God has been constantly placing me where I am needed. Where I, too will learn and grow. Since I’ve been here I have become more and more conscious of my own needs and desires. Being a giver all of my life…I am learning how to receive. Aly and Syre have become parts of my life in a way I couldn’t have imagined before I decided to come here. To think I resisted…stubborn for change. Feeling like being out of my daily existence would cramp my style…not knowing how it would help me adapt to a new style. Since being here, I’ve met and hung out with a couple of friends who were once only voices on the phone. I’ve entertained a couple of friends here on Aly’s hospitality…and I’ve rediscovered the woman I am. I may not be exactly where I want…or where people looking in may think I need to be…but where I am, right here…right now…feels so damn good.