The Wild Card

This is my wild card blog.

I had a full weekend. I didn’t get to blog on Friday, so this can make up for it…I hope. lol┬áSince this is the “wild card” blog…I decided to do a medley of what’s on my mind.

Why do I feel like there isn’t enough hours in the day…and too many days in the week?

When I’m at work, the day ticks by slowly…and I feel like I’m never gonna get out of the job. If you all didn’t read before…I’m Narcoleptic. So my 4hrs feel like an entire day. I often fall asleep in the middle of tasks. How about, one day I was alphabetizing a shit load of papers. I had another young lady assisting me. When I doze and it feels like I’ve been asleep for a long time, it sometimes has been mere minutes…and in some cases…seconds. I would wake up and look at her and she’d be oblivious. *lmao*

So…we’re doing the alphabetizing when I drift off (I’m already laughing). I wake up and instinctively ball up a form and toss it in the garbage next to me. It hits me…wait. Why did I do that? I reach back into the trash, pull out the yellow ball, straighten it out and see that it’s an important paper. I look at the young lady again and she’s REALLY oblivious. She hasn’t said a word. I say to her, “Dee, did you notice I nodded off?”. She says, “No…I didn’t. I thought you were concentrating.” I laugh so loudly. I tell her, “GIRL…PAY ATTENTION to me. I can be awake one moment and asleep the next. I almost discarded an important document.” She laughs with me and promises to pay attention.

All of a sudden, inside…I want to cry.

It’s moments like these that are SO hard for me. I can make fun of myself, because I’m silly as hell..and I’m not afraid to see the obvious humor. The pain and frustration of it isn’t so damn obvious…and sometimes the emotions hit me. Daily life isn’t “normal” for me. I look “normal”. I speak “normally”. I don’t have a physical or visible disability…but the disorder I do have is real. It’s frustrating and stressful to be in public places, at the dinner for my friend on Friday…at the luncheon with my grandmother and her church members. I’m afraid that I’ll embarrass myself…or someone else, by falling asleep at the table. I KNOW I did it a couple of times at the luncheon…and my first concern was that one of my grandmother’s friends would see me and mention it later (to my grandmother’s chagrin). My grandmother KNOWS about my disorder, but she also has a hard time wrapping her mind around the sleepiness being less “lazy” and more “uncontrollable”.

I guess, I have to keep doing the best I can to live as “normally” as possible. I don’t turn down opportunities to socialize, I just plan around when I’m most susceptible to nod. I can sometimes tell how tired I’ll be by what I’ve done all day. The more occupied my mind is, the easier it is for me to stay alert. It’s why I multi-task. I am constantly “doing”. I’m usually, writing, reading, listening to music, watching TV and quite possibly on the phone…all at the same time. ~phew~ The more sedentary I am…the quicker I’ll nod. When going out, I also roll with people I can trust.

Here’s some tips on how not to piss off this Narcoleptic:

~Do NOT yell, “Wake up, Kali” and then laugh. Yea, I might cuss you out. For one, it startles me, which makes my nerves frazzled and then gives me a headache.

~Do NOT scold me for falling asleep. If we’re in motion (walking) just nudge me and remember to not treat me like I’m crazy. LOL (unless you’re close enough to me to know it’s okay)

~Do NOT act embarrassed. I won’t hang with you. If I think for one moment, that my condition will bring out your self-consciousness around me…I will make myself scarce.

~Be sensitive. I can be harder on me than anyone. I don’t need critics. I need friends. Just like I’d have your back…have mine.

S/N: I was just thinking how when Joy and I were on the train going back to the BX from Manhattan, we were in the subway on the platform and even though she didn’t know it, I was watching her back. I’d purposely turn my back to her when she had her back to me. I figured…if we’re BOTH looking in one direction, we’re easier marks than if we’re looking both ways. Did you notice that Joy? LOL

Anyway…this is my wild card blog. A short peek into my daily life and struggle. I literally can no longer concentrate, as the “rabbits” (my screwing neighbors upstairs) are in full fuck mode. haha.