Looking Back to Move Forward

~sigh~

It’s interesting that my current state of introspection coincides with the new year. For me, it has less to do with the actual chronological year as it does the series of events that have taken place up til now. This shit could’ve happened in the middle of summer and I’d be tapping my fingers and scratching my head.

I had a lot of fun in 2011 and a little pain. I honestly think I had more fun than pain.  It just so happens that the pain ended the year. No biggie…I’m made from strong stuff and therefore I am resilient. I’ve learned something that is hard for me…that some people don’t deserve entry into our lives. Persistence is not always persistence….but, annoying determination. Some people only persist for the challenge and not the actual desire to be close to you. I often forget that most people’s intentions are never as honest or forthcoming as my own. Lesson learned.

In this year…2011 brought healing to special people in my life. My cousin is almost 100% cancer-free and my sister~friend IS 100% cancer-free. I have others in my life that struggled with their health but I believe in prayer and miracles. I found out a friend of mine from high school succumbed to cancer a few years ago and I was heartbroken. I dreamed of her and another friend for years…often feeling something wasn’t right. One, I touched based with on Facebook a few years ago and her health has turned around tremendously…while the other, whom I could never find…passed without my even knowing…before I could see how life had treated her.

Rest In Peace, Autumn...

I’ve learned that sometimes my kindness IS weakness. I need to remember that while I’m mindlessly bonding and enjoying the people I meet…some people are simply figuring out what they can gain from me. I’ve got to keep my eyes as open as my heart is and in turn close my mind to some things. Yes, I said CLOSE MY MIND. I jokingly say to my sista Joy that I don’t think outside of the box because there IS NO box for me…but, perhaps I need to sit a little box nearby for the discarding of things…or perhaps as a treasure keeper…just to remind me of what’s at stake. What can be lost. Perhaps then…my perspective will be less abstract and more logical. Less optimistic and more opportunistic. I try to be of this world but not IN it…trying to keep myself from being swept up in the ideals and expectations of society…but, sometimes I’ve got to be honest with myself and acknowledge that there are many who do live that credo and therefore box me in whether I want to be or not. As an artist, I’m constantly fighting to be free to be me…but at times, that fight leaves me alienated.

Everything from how I think, to how I speak, to how I look…determines what’s drawn to me. The good and the bad. I can’t disregard what’s bad just because I’d rather see the good. There are times when assholes will filter in and it’s up to me to put up the force field of protection to keep them from embedding themselves into me like a parasite underneath the skin.

This year has been a blessing in so many ways. I bonded with someone that I didn’t expect in a million years. My girl Tei came out of nowhere and stole my friendship heart. She’s become an intricate piece of fabric in my chosen family quilt. I’ve got a handful of wonderful people in my life who have had my back throughout it all. Whether I speak to them everyday or not…they love me and give me their all. As my ex loved to say, “Fair exchange is no robbery”.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. I said recently to my mom that everyday…EVERY day that we wake up is a new year because we saw this day last year. 2012 is a new year for the calendars…but it’s just another day for me to get it right. For me to be closer to achieving the full circle lessons and being blessed to level up and be that much more on the right path to divine purpose.

God bless you all…I’ve loved you from the start…I’ll love you ’til the end.

Happy New Years!!!

Love, Thee Kween 🙂

And In Conclusion…

…I think that I’ve finally wrapped my mind around the fact that relationships aren’t for me.

I’ve championed the cause of love for years…and honestly, I still do believe that love is there for others. I just don’t think that there’s a man out there for me.

Ever felt this way? NOTHING works out? Not the up close and personal tries…not the long-distance Internet tries…nothing. I’m either a magnet for Lotharios who live proudly in the life of lying and manipulating or the ones who start out with bachelor tendencies and settle down with the NEXT chick. (Starting to feel like “Good Luck Charlie“).

I’ve decided that the life I have is enough…

Well, technically…for so long (save moments of wanderlust and yearning in the quiet of my own life) I’ve been by myself. I haven’t been in an on-going “relationship” since 2002. I’ve spent the last 9 years dating, falling in love with a couple of guys online and more or less being skimmed over by Cupid’s dastardly bow. There’s no other way to put it then that the problem HAS to be me.

I’m not taking blame for the liars, cheaters, manipulators, or fuck-offs. I’m simply saying that I understand the dynamic of relationships enough to know that “folks ain’t just picking on me”. There’s clearly a lesson I’m lacking to learn here and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life learning it if I don’t go back into my “spiritual lab” and reconfigure some chemical atoms that make up my combustive love life.

I’ve GOT to be doing something wrong y’all…so, I’ve decided a few things:

~> No more flirting online or off. Flirting gets you into trouble…especially when you’ve gone so long between relationships. The fiery enthralling of flirtatious fervor can make your lady parts burn with desire…and your brain cells burn out from the shit that comes with it. So, go ‘head…nothing to see here.

~> NO more online friendships with men are to be initiated or welcomed. I have a couple of guy friends whom I care for and the truth is…we’re better off as friends. Neither of them have ever expressed a desire to be with me and though we’ve probably had some minor chemistry at one point…we’ve elected mutually to have our friendship and be okay with it. If you’re not already down with “thee crown”…that’s it. Sorry…can’t help ya.

~> Continue on the BEAUTIFUL path of self-love, friend and familial love I’d been on earlier in the summer of 2011 before I became “distracted”. I was feeling my freedom and digging my heels into finally being over the ex for going on a year or more…and I don’t think I basked in that enough.

~> Follow my gut. I have my own standards and they are mine. My friends have theirs. I can’t be convinced to “give anyone a chance” when everything is screaming no. If my instincts say no, follow them. I can’t pacify friends and family so they feel like I’m not settling on loneliness. I actually ENJOY my dang company. Those who REALLY know me, know that I will disappear for a few days and it’ll have NOTHING to do with being sad or depressed. I’m somewhere singing at the top of my lungs, writing, watching movies and being some kinda creative. 🙂

It’s not that I’m giving up. I know it seems that way…but the truth is that, I’m accepting the stumbles as a clue to have a seat…a fancy seat…a THRONE. Once I do that…maybe…JUST maybe…God will seat my king beside me without my even realizing that’s what He was doing.

For now…Love…I’ll have to admire you from afar in the arms of lovers passing. ~blows kisses~

Child, Please…

I was a child once…we all were. (Some of us still are, but that’s another blog) We’ve all been there with new eyes, spirit and perceptions. Our parents, our first impression of “God” and the guidance we get from them. Even at times we felt abandoned (as sometimes humans do when they feel their prayers aren’t answered) when our parents didn’t measure up. We’ve all experienced a sense of being young and lost. Either way…childhood is something to be preserved and enjoyed. No child should feel like they’ve exchanged roles with their parents and are caretakers, mediators or examples in their tender age.

Yet, that’s what happens when adults acting like children allow their break up to affect their sense of reason and sacrifice as a parental unit. You shouldn’t pretend that there isn’t anything wrong…but, it shouldn’t feel like the battle of all battles when you and your ex step in a room. Your child shouldn’t feel like the prize in a tug-of-war.

QUIT USING CHILDREN AS GET BACK! PAWNS! LEVERAGE! QUIT IT…RIGHT NOW!!!

HOW do you know (just in case you’re THAT damned oblivious) that you’re using your kid as a pawn?

  • You ask your child questions about your ex’s activity. Including, but not limited to…who they’re seeing, where they go, what they say about YOU, etc.
  • You bar your ex from seeing their child (if you’re a custodial parent) for no other reason than they either didn’t want YOUR ass, didn’t comply with some petty request or you just “felt like it”. Your child should NOT have to suffer because you’re being a bratty child yourself. Didn’t get what you wanted out of the relationship?…too bad. What you DID get is a beautiful child who has a right to see and experience BOTH of their parents…unless your ex is a pedophile, criminal or has missed more visits with them than they’ve kept. (That kind of inconsistency can be heartbreaking)
  • You teach your child to lie. You do this when you make up reasons [in front of them] for them not being able to see your ex. When you lie [in front of them] about why. When you tell your child things to sway their affections. BAD mom/dad…BAD BAD mom/dad!

These are just a few…but, you get it.

I know of a few different scenarios where people have/are used/using their children as pawns:

`A man whose ex-wife is so vindictive that her actions can only be deemed as evil. From trumped up charges of harassment, calling him crazy which required psych evaluation, keeping his son from him for months at a time while actively harassing him and his new girlfriend with phone calls and emails. She’s also exhibited signs that she wants him back…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to have him. She’s even taken to dressing like his current girlfriend even though his girl’s style has never been his ex-wife’s style. O__O

`A woman whose husband refuses to divorce her, but is fighting for custody of their child. What kind of ass backward, shaken baby syndrome, fuckshit is that? How don’t you want to let someone go, but want to take the child you share? I’ll tell you…he’s fucking PSYCHO! He wants her in some twisted way, yet because he knows she doesn’t want HIM…he tortures her with the one thing he can. The marriage. Her desire to be free by name and law. Their daughter is just a pawn. I’m all but 100% certain this man has traumatized their daughter with his barrage of questions about where her mother is, who she’s with, if she’s dating, etc. All of this while training their child to “blame” her for everything that’s wrong. Absolutely disgusting, I tell you.

`I also have a friend whose child’s mother is SO hung up on what they DIDN’T have (in spite of her being married for several years) that she’s been plotting with her husband to steal his rights. All he wants is to be a father…and she’s so twisted she can’t nor does she care to see that.

PEOPLE!!! Get your life right. I am honestly taken aback by the selfishness of jilted and angry adults who refuse to see that the children should be the focus of their lives. How the moment you brought children into the world, it was no longer ALL about YOU! Whatever didn’t go wrong with your ex, whatever it is you think they’ve done wrong…the children deserve the best possible environment you can give them. If you have to wear a straight face, so the baby can see daddy…so be it. Cry in your bed later for missing him…but, for goodness sake…don’t not answer his calls. The baby will grow up and be a resentful adult and you WILL be blamed.

Child, PLEASE

The Elephant In The Room

I’m walking out of Dunkin Donuts…coffee in hand…

I see a brotha in the corner on the phone…eyeing the slim chick walking toward the counter. I spy him…he ogles her…he doesn’t see me. I giggle and shake my head.

That woman didn’t see him anymore than he saw me…and in my head I’m thinking, “Damn shame.”

Why? Well it’s because I see it all of the time. Some scruffy looking dude is all up in some thin chick’s mug and she’s paying him no mind…and a big woman [such as myself] sees him and he doesn’t see her.

Mind you, I’m simply an observer. I see a lot…I won’t say everything, but I do catch a lot that people don’t. That often gets labeled as me being overly analyzing..but, that’s not it. I just catch the damnedest shit. This is no different.

Recently, it’s been very obvious to me about the whole weight issue. I’ve got good reason to believe that I’ve been skimmed over a number of times due to my weight. It doesn’t matter how un-sexy, unattractive or equally pudgy a dude is…he gets to choose the slimmer version of me, whilst my pickings are slim…no pun intended. It’s kind of what my sister Joy was asking on a Facebook status earlier this morning…

okay, I’m confused about a few things. now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about that out of the box thinking. I’m sure this one has been explained before, but I still don’t get it.


here it goes: why do women have to keep a man?! someone explain this to me. when is the last time you heard someone say, “he can’t keep a woman?!” o_O why is it our sole responsibility to keep this man fed, sexed up, taught, encouraged, entertained, and what not?! mind you, the man is usually the one chasing the woman. so once you catch us we gotta keep you entertained for your troubles? lol OH OKAY! his work is done…he can go sit his ass down..HA! ok. someone..anyone..please help me understand this one.” ~ Humble BE aka Joy

Now, what she said is indirectly linked to what I’m saying. Men aren’t ever truly worried about the prospects of dating. We’re pressed to find ways to “keep a man”. Whether that be, having a slim figure, be an “independent woman whose got her own”, a freak, a chef, a mom, a nurse…you get it. We’ve got to embody EVERY thing that man may want in order to keep HIM…even if he’s lacking in several of these departments  himself. Why should he though? A lot of women are so desperate to be a part of a couple that they’ll shoulder that responsibility AND the blame that comes with it failing. Men have it easier in the dating department. Period.

That thin chick didn’t see that dude in DD…but, does he really care? I mean, chances are…that he’ll have 8 more options…and half will consider him. He can do this all day. Meet several women, try his hand, fail and have 8 more options…that’s the way it is. Imagine the plight of the “big girl”.  If the average woman is in a line up of 9 women…and has a 1 in 9 chance of snagging a dude, consider the statistics of a woman carrying some extra rolls and the stigma that comes along with it.

How you gone like pears and troll for apples? Shoot for the moon, mofo!

I’ve seen the topic debated numerous times…how being big is unhealthy and how one has to be attracted to the outside as well as the inside. I’m so sick of it. Honestly, in this life if someone gives you love from the bottom of their hearts you’d be BLESSED to be on the receiving end. People want perfection and instant gratification and it’s selfish. Period! Relationships are a journey of growing and understanding each other…loving in spite of flaws and short-comings. All of those conditions are what keep relationships failing.

Yet, it’s the preliminaries…it’s the visual that leads the way. It’s sad that in this society a sub par man with “okay” aesthetics is going to bide his time with the big girl until the slim one comes along to fulfill his ultimate desires, all while making him look good as his arm candy. A man is going to dream of Jeannie and settle for Endora until Jeannie blinks in his direction. Well, the big girl has feelings too…she doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice. Why does she get to inherit a man’s issues with superficiality, when she deserves to be seen at the core for what she is? I can respect a man or woman’s preference to be with whomever they want…but, when you’re not hitting on shit and you settle at what YOU believe is the bottom of the pile, I lose respect. People saying how they want someone with substance, someone who can see them for exactly who they are, but they’re looking at the other person’s frame as a  deal-breaker before they even get to know if this person is everything they HAVEN’T dreamed of. As a matter of fact…they may miss out on what GOD has presented them with. I for one am not losing weight so I can say I have someone. The one for me is going to see past the weight and love Kali.

I desire for a man to look me in my eye…into my soul…and see who I am. Why should I be thrown up against a wall, weighed and measured…before someone decides that I’m worthy of his time? Someone whose soul is probably more unattractive than my supposed overweight body…gets to determine my worth? Oh, no you don’t. I’m a whole lotta woman…more so because of my attributes and heart. My body is secondary to my inner person. God made me and everyday I do my very best to treat people the way He would want me to. I embrace folks regardless of what thing sits on the surface. Who is to say that your love can’t be the impetus for someone’s life change. Who knows what would happen if a person were to be 100% embraced by love? One might inspire someone to hit the treadmill on the highest setting!

Remember THIS though…

ANYTHING can happen. The judgment you cast upon someone else can be the very condition you incur. I once knew someone who looked down on a domestic situation I had in my 20’s. One day, I looked up and her then situation wasn’t much different. I’d triumphed over mine…I wonder where she is? I pray not in the same place.

We have a right to want what we want…I’d just hope that while wanting what you want…you reflect your desires. Be what you want…otherwise, you’re just another fool batting out of your league.

*chick walked right past his ass, too* LOL

Dead To The World: Joyce Vincent

Joyce Carol Vincent…

A seemingly vibrant, educated, multi-talented and mysteriously intriguing woman…dies…and no one notices.

This story is making it’s rounds. Blogged by many, I’m sure this story will reach to the recesses of the Internet’s farthest corners, which is almost ironic. Considering that no one missed her for three years in this information age of communication is mind-blowing…yet after she’s gone her story gives her infamy.

Is that the world we live in? As a life…a breathing body of God’s work…holds no value until it’s a posthumous story of sensationalism? Is that an indicator of how self-absorbed we are as a society? We’re c o n s u m e d by iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs…hmm, “I” everything, huh? With the personal computer, the webcam, texts instead of calls, emails instead of actual post cards or letters…we as a world are BEHIND the computer screens and not out in front of life? So, even if  Joyce had a social media page…because of the jet-set life she led, she STILL wouldn’t have been missed. Her absence would’ve been chalked up to normalcy.

We are so absorbed with ease and instant gratification. People can get engrossed with the simplicity of the high tech world and dislodge themselves too easily. Imagine a woman who probably only used a computer for work…her only communication being person to person and infrequent at that. She was a virtual blip in the life she led. Remember “The Net” starring Sandra Bullock? She was such a loner that she wasn’t missed when her life was being fooled with. She could’ve disappeared and no one would’ve really thought twice. Most hadn’t ever laid eyes on her. She was a name…a forgetful one. Her mother had dementia, her one good friend got killed on the way to see her and the doctor whom she’d fallen for hadn’t been in contact for years because of conflict of interest. She almost dropped off the face of the earth without a care from anyone…

…but, Joyce was REAL. Joyce KNEW people. She had SEVERAL circles of friends who have mostly wonderful things to say about her in retrospect. Mostly everyone saw her as this hauntingly beautiful woman who had everything women strive to be. Looks, Intelligence, Charisma…a lust for LIFE. Or perhaps that’s it. It wasn’t a lust for life she had…but a wanderlust for escapism that wasn’t ever quenched. She had a wonderful job at a world-renowned company, Ernst & Young. She was touted to have a beautiful singing voice…and a desire to be a star. She rubbed elbows with the elite…Nelson Mandela being just one of them. She craved the love life that a lot of women do…but, seemed to draw dysfunction to herself. She clearly had spent time estranged from her family…enough so that not even THEY missed her. She had most of the material and personable qualities to make someone popular…all except the power to evoke thoughts of concern.

HOW…how is it that people can be so disconnected from one another? I know we have lives of our own, ups and downs, preoccupations with one thing or another…but, how does a woman who is fun, energetic, and popular…fade into the night. Alone. In an apartment…with the TV on. For THREE years.

That’s another thing. Joy and I pontificated back and forth about it. We played with the idea of foul play. Perhaps one of those jilted loves…abusive and relentless…the reason for her being in a shelter at one time…exacted revenge. Yet, how does that explain the electric and rent paid for so long that no one…not even a landlord or a utility serviceman…would come knocking? Was she paying her rent so far in advance because she WAS a jet-setter? Wanting to make sure that she had a place to return to after traveling so many places? Or was her rent paid to keep someone from suspecting her demise? I’m also quite amazed that pathologists couldn’t conclude a cause of death…when archaeological scientists determine the deaths of many unearthed skeletons everyday. There’s NO way to determine cause of death for a 3yr old skeleton…but, there’s science to gather evidence for one that’s over 300,000 yrs old? O___o #forensics #youredoingitwrong

I read this story twice. Once alone and again aloud to Joy on her visit here. As I read it the second time, this woman’s story penetrated my soul…Joy’s too. We both wondered if that could be us. It’s a natural question I suppose, but I know better. I have gone a significant amount of time between speaking to my family…but, if I lived alone and no one had heard from me in just three MONTHS…folks would start showing up. Hell…give me three WEEKS with no phone answered? No sight online? Yea…someone’s kicking down my door. This I know.

So, why not her? Is it because people…in their own attempt to fit in and ingratiate themselves in a life apart from their day to day grind, also mask their inner self? I know a few people who have internet personas that do not mesh with their true selves. People make their life better than it is with description and attitude not realizing that they’re making themselves unreachable to other people’s hearts and minds. Anyone can be beautiful, smart, full of “joie de vivre“…but if that’s all anyone knows, what’s the point? No one can say how your heart worked, what brought you thus far, what has shaped you…because you’re not vulnerable to life. You’re closed off and giving people the shiny top and not the rusty parts. Maybe…Joyce losing her mom at the age of 11 scarred her. Being raised by her father and four older sisters…is it possible she was the bane of their existence? Did her sisters envy her? What caused this woman to unhinge herself from a family and be an anonymous face? Was it the shame of her situation? Aspirations to rise above her upbringing, accomplishing most of her goals…but, being subjected to abusive relationships? ~sigh~

I hope that in seeing the movie, “Dreams of A Life” by Carol Morley (the author of the story I read, here) …will give insight. Maybe the bits of pieces of the people she impacted in some way…will come together and give her not only a face…but, a life to be remembered. God willing…if nothing else, the story will inspire people to become more involved, more inquisitive when forming friendships and check after one another. After all…we are our brothers’ keepers.

Here is the trailer for the movie…


Dreams of a Life Trailer from Dogwoof Documentary on Vimeo.

Brand New

There’s a saying among my people…”She/he is acting BRAND new…” If you’re unfamiliar with this colloquialism…it’s meant to infer that someone has “forgotten themselves”. There are a few specific instances where people MOSTLY forget themselves and act “brand new”:

~ They get some money
~ They get MORE money
~ They get a new house, car, etc.
~ They get a new mate O__0 (Yea…I’m talking to you)

Now, let me go ahead and get the bullshit out of the way. I am NOT bitter. I am justifiably pissed off. Those two things are vastly different. When someone has used your friendship and love as a tool, betrays your bond and then turns around and wants to remain friends (which is code for, “Please don’t get mad at me and make me feel bad”)…there’s something that kicks up in me that gets disgusted and appalled by the audaciousness of some folks CLEARLY high off their own supply.

So, what has prompted me to write this is as much a cathartic necessity as it is a source of “info-tainment” for you all. I love that I can come here, share my world (if I so choose) and know you all are going to be honest, open and respectful as you read and comment. ~mwah~ 😉

Anywho…When you are someone’s friend, intended love, family member, etc…you build up a base of honesty and trust. From that other traits of bonding are birthed, which causes endearment. Time and energy spent insinuating yourself into someone’s heart and soul…should be valued to the tune of invaluable. Someone, willing to allow you access to their heart and happiness…should be considered and given the utmost respect. I take no one in my life lightly. If God saw fit for us to be a part of each other’s lives…I do everything within my power to keep those ties tightly bound with love and all that encompasses it. Does it always work? Of course it doesn’t, but that’s my hope.

What I know is not to expect that everyone is like me. I don’t expect people to do what I do, feel how I feel or react the way I would. Yet, there is SOME sense of expectancy in a relationship of give and take (which is why unconditional love is so hard to attain.) When a person presents themselves as capable and starts off on the right foot…it is disconcerting when they drop the ball and pretend it never happened. I try my best to be accountable for my actions. If I hurt you, I’d hope you would tell me. Whether I intended to or not, believed I did or not…I’m going to apologize and take stock of my mistake so as not to repeat it. When someone hurts me…I often find that most aren’t willing to do the same. Having said all of this…when someone you trust is ALL in (to the point of going so hard you question it’s sincerity) and then abandons your friendship/love all because they’ve found something better, more convenient,  newer…it leaves a bad taste.

The “brand new” comparison comes in RIGHT here…

Some people are so inherently selfish that when they’re in friendships/relationships…they THINK they’re giving of themselves, but what they’re offering is base attention and not deep affection.  When someone does something consistently in a superficial or let’s call it…in a more habitual manner…it can mask itself as the consistency that reinforces love. Yet, in order to be in any kind of love relationship one has to be in touch with who they are and understand what love is. What their OWN worth is…so that when doling out love in an exchange, they will have something to measure it against. That way, self love is readying you to give that very thing you desire and deserve to those around you. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated.

So when some of the selfish folks get what they need/want…or accomplish a goal of intimacy or conquest…they move on. Moving on is fine, but you should remember to never burn that bridge. You never know if what you got from that person is something you may need to tap into again. For anyone to shrug off justified anger and hurt because they don’t want to be held accountable, don’t want to feel the discomfort of having a mirror held to them…is simply cruel, cold and irresponsible. We are indeed responsible for the feelings of those we care for and if you don’t feel that way, then perhaps you need to reassess your heart space. So to then bask joyfully in their new life choice as if they haven’t done a thing wrong…is acting “brand new”.

Remember this…You can TRY to create a flawless future all you like, but you may also want to make amends with your peppered past. Don’t think for one moment that your current happiness with your “newness” is under Karma’s radar. That chick has a GPS on all assholes, bitchasses and wrong-doers. You’d better PRAY that your new found shiny outer coating is gleaming bright enough to blind her to your ways. Then again…she CAN smell fear.

Oh, you thought you weren’t fearful? Yes…oh, yes…most selfish folks are FEARFUL. They fear rejection, loneliness, judgment, accountability, etc. That’s why like thieves they get in…and get out, doing their best to not leave anything behind. Eventually, though…you always get nabbed. Especially if you believe in a higher power…you have to answer for your deeds. You have to live with yourself when there’s not a thing around you except the sound of your own heart beating, your mind’s ticking and God. Not so brand new anymore, right?