Obligatory End of Year Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Wow…2013 was an interesting year. A lot has happened. I wish I could give a month by month blow…but my memory ain’t so good anymore. lol I’ll just do my best to think of the things that stuck out the most.

I turned 40!!! I had a sweet close-knit gathering with my best girls (some were missing and MISSED). In the thick of it, my BFF Joy and I met the newest addition to our circle, Ms. Tina. We had a great time…even though I feel the weekend was MIGHTY short. I could’ve been the belle of the ball for at LEAST a week more 😀

It was also the month I suffered a meniscus injury…so, I was hobbling at the birthday event. Nonetheless…I had a wonderful time.

I spent a lot of time honing my graphics design company, FFK (Fancy Face Kreations) and building a customer base. I’m STILL doing that. It ain’t easy…but, I love it.

A family member who’d been fighting cancer, got a clean bill of health after a VERY close call. God is GOOD.

…and even though later this year, I lost a different family member to cancer…God is STILL good. He was a wonderful person and his legacy is a worthy one.

I went to my first outdoor concert with Joy. Lianne La Havas! I swear, I’ve never had so much fun while standing for 6 hours!! There couldn’t have been a more fit person to share that experience with. Joy and I both share a wonderful love of music…and Lianne brought a cool memory we’ll both remember. I spent the weekend in Harlem for once (Joy normally camps here on select weekends) and it was nice to be her guest! 🙂

I also got to watch one of my kiddies get married. I sat Catrina as a baby and to see this young woman walk the aisle into her love’s arms was a beautiful gift. Born 3 months early, my preemie baby girl has flourished into a sweet young woman whose life is touched with golden things. I was so giddy over that. I also felt OLD. I had to remind myself that I was given her as a responsibility at the age of 13…so, yea. lol

Even though, between enduring some tense moments with a couple of house guests and some unexpected and mind-blowing drama from someone I thought to be a friend…I managed to remain in the presence of mind I’m in. Blessed. Loved. Purposed for something all mine and happy to be a part of God’s plan.

With life and death, ends and beginnings…friends coming and going…life continues to tick forward. Every second is another second past the old. Every day is a new chance to see life differently than the day before.

I spent this Christmas alone…and it wasn’t all that bad (If you don’t count the burn in the palm of my hand from grabbing a searing hot pan from the oven, sans mitt O_O). I made myself a Christmas dinner of lamb chops, apple cider-ginger glazed carrots and spinach-artichoke in puff pastry. I drank Moscato and enjoyed holiday-themed movies…as I fawned over the many friends and family who DID get to spend that day with someone.

I’ll be alone for New Year’s Eve and I’m okay with that, too. I try not to put TOO much stock in the need to celebrate specific days for life. Every day is a New Year for us who can say we saw that day the year before. Every day is Christmas if you’re glorifying the Savior’s life. Every day is Valentine’s Day if you appreciate your mate…and so forth.

I can reflect with the rest of you, but every day I open my eyes is a new day…a year to the date of awakening. I pray that I get some things right. I pray that my purpose continues to evolve and grow into something that can create MY legacy. I pray that AMAZING things come my way as old and stale things go away.

I wish that for you all, too.

Again…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

What’s Going On?

Edward “Butch” Harris

It’s been an interesting week. I sigh in the aftermath of an emotional turn of events. Some are somber and at least one is the bright spot of it all.

Last Saturday, a beloved family member died. I would be lying if I said that death has me shaken since 2010 where at least three people I knew and loved passed away. Since then, my paternal family had it’s ups and downs, with a cousin falling ill with cancer (and recovering NICELY at this time). She got sick almost back to back with us losing our grandmother. Prayers were prayed diligently and religiously. Thank God she was spared and is now bouncing back wonderfully.

Unfortunately, last year…her stepmother died unexpectedly (to those of us unaware of her sickness). Last August when she died, left a chasm in my family centered around money. I’ve chosen to remain on the outside of that situation. I want no parts of that. Money is never important enough for me to betray nor go against my blood. I’d rather be broke.

Either way, this last death was sudden…but not really. Our last time seeing one another he didn’t look too great, but I want to say I put those concerns in a place called denial and prayed he was okay. He wouldn’t be. This is just one more hit to my paternal family and it seems incessant. I don’t know what to think anymore and it’s created a sense of worry…maybe even paranoia.

Anyway…

Two days later, a situation was brought to light concerning someone I once saw as being a friend. I was angry for two days and that’s all I gave her. I wasn’t in the mood for it and have decided that life goes on and that’s it. I’m moving forward and hope that this week begins as a close to that other shit. I’m so done.

Everything also happened during the week where I wasn’t feeling too great. I went to the doctor’s though, so I’m good.

One of the better parts of my week have to do with my friend DeAnna. She was placed on the National Kidney Transplant List and hopefully it won’t take too long. I cried and thanked God. I pray Godspeed over her and that her wait is no wait at all. Read her blog on it HERE.

Tomorrow is my cousin’s funeral. I ain’t ready. I dreamed of him and woke up crying. He was one of those people who when you think of cool people who stay the same no matter how much time goes between seeing one another…you think of him. He was a staple in my childhood and I can’t remember him ever being mean, petty or disrespectful. He’ll be sorely missed. I’m just blown that he’s gone…

Edward “Butch” Harris…rest in peace fam. I love you.

The Twenty Eighth Day…

…the day you had your first fight. why?

I think my first REAL fight was within my family. My cousin Tisha who is three years older than me, ALWAYS tried to boss me around. She’d hug me like I was some stuffed animal against my will until I broke free. Or she’d drag me around like I was a rag doll, bellowing my name in her southern accent. Sheesh, it was like nails on a chalkboard.  I’m sure our fight started stupidly because well…we were kids. lol

Now, mind you…Tisha was always a tad jealous of me. I don’t know why…well, that’s not entirely true. I do know why. My uncles were 7 and 8 years older than me and were like big brothers for most of my childhood. They would throw me in a Tonka truck and vrooom me around the room while I giggled. I was their baby. Tisha on the other hand was a pain and they didn’t like her that much. That always resulted in her vying for their attentions and she ended up losing.

For whatever reason this particular day…she’d plucked my last nerve with her bossy ways. She and I ended up fighting and all I can remember is her pulling on my hair to the point that it was loosening from the two twists it was in. Y’all remember that hairstyle that all little girls had? A twist on each side of the head parted down the middle…or the side if you were fancy. lol

Well, she tugged my hair so hard…it was like she was trying to pull it from the roots. The oldest of my two uncles could be heard yelling between his teeth, “LET GO OF HER HAIR!” Once she finally let go, he kept saying that he didn’t know WHAT was wrong with her and why she’d try to “pull out that baby’s hair”. lol

For years to come, she’d compete with me and struggle back and forth with wanting to hate me and love me. For the longest she’d say, “Everybody thinks Kali is so smart…”, “Everybody loves Kali…”, “Kali this…Kali that…”. I just wanted to know who in the hell EVERYBODY was. I wanted to meet them. lol She would talk about me like a DOG to anyone who’d listen, then turn around and beg my mom for me to stay the night with her.

It’s bananas…because, this kind of behavior became the norm for me. Eventually, throughout school…most chicks would feel this way about me while calling me a friend. I guess not much has changed…well, except for the fact that I’ve found friends who love me and don’t hate me for who I am.

Gotta love that “growing up” thing, huh? 🙂

The Twenty Third Day…

…the day you turned 21

Wow. I wrote this question and still wasn’t prepared to answer it. (I’ll do better next time guys…OR y’all can ask some questions yourself, lol)

I turned 21 in 1994.

Everything seemed topsy turvy at the time. I’d lost my job less than a month before behind my sleepiness on the job. I was in a relationship with someone 22 years my senior and that was causing havoc in my family relationships. The only good thing about this day was the fact that my then-boo cared enough to be the only one to give me a gift.

He and I had gone downtown to Manhattan. He’d taken me to my consultation at Bellevue Hospital where I was to have my sleep study to determine whether or not I had Narcolepsy (which obviously I do, lol). There was this little book store on 27th (I think) and we’d gone there a couple of times. I saw this book with my name on it and was intrigued. My name had been the source of many jokes and I never liked it. The only people who seemed to appreciate my name were White people. No lie…everywhere I go that my name is mentioned, I’m told how beautiful my name is. My OWN folks? I was Kali from the Valley, Kal-trate, Kal-Kan, Kaliflower and of course Kalifornia. It was annoying as hell to have folks teasing me on a daily basis in some way. It’s one of the reasons I respect names so much. Learning that words…and therefore names are the verbal manifestation of a spiritual vibration…was all I needed to know to get that much closer to loving the name my mom was SO proud to have named me.

Kali: Child closest to God, Egyptian…

So, when my birthday came…I felt like it was gonna be bummer. All of the stress in my house over this man and my now unemployed status, was giving me the blues. Until Ali showed up. He presented the book to me with an inscription that said, “To My Goddess”.

To say I cheesed and got chinky from high cheeks forced upward by my smile…is an understatement.

There was so much in motion in that moment. I had for the first time found someone (who’d found me) who saw me as a prize. He was the only one to give me a gift…and quite possibly my only friend at the time. Twas a very special night.

My 21st year would be a helluva an entry into official adulthood. By the time 22 rolled around…I was tide. lol

The Twenty Second Day…

The Gastonian in Savannah, GA.

…a day with the family you’ll never forget

So many days ran through my mind just now. I have been doing everything within my power to keep these posts jovial and lighthearted….

Let’s see…

*shakes head no* …nah, not that.

*flips through photo album*

Well, I don’t have a pic for it…but, my family reunion in Savannah, GA was nice. I remember wanting to visit Paula Deen’s restaurant, but it turned out that not only were we late getting there…we needed to reserve ahead of time.

My mom, sis, Aunt/Godmommy Yvette and I drove around Savannah taking in the old time architecture. I saw so many wonderful buildings with huge windows and and beautifully ornate moldings. Aunt Yvette lives in GA so she came through to see us. We found some hole in the wall to eat at…food was good…but, the company was better.

Once we found our way back to the hotel…we prepared for our banquet. It was nice as usual. Lots of stories, genealogy, performances and mingling to meet the family you don’t already know.

The day before…we’d had our BBQ and the kids swam afterwards at the hotel. (The BBQ was at another venue). After that, us young ones hopped in a couple of cars and went bowling with the kids. We had SO much fun! Once we left there, the cousins and I found ourselves a 24hr Walmart…kicking around in a desolate store looking for shoes for me. We had a ball.

I tell ya one thing…it’s a HELLUVA long drive home from GA. Good GRIEF I felt like we were in that car forever. LOL I mean we stopped off to my uncle’s house in NC…but, once on the road back up to NY, I felt like I was gonna die in a van. I swear NEW JERSEY is a problem! LONG ass state. I was convinced I was in a damn Stephen King novel called, “Mt. Holly”. Shit. Damn…END already. (AND NJ stinks…like manure and sewage). Sorry Jersey folks…but it does to us outsiders. lol

Once we got home…it was like being reborn. I saw my bed and whispered sweet nothings to it for at least a day.

So there…Savannah, GA circa 2006.

The Nineteenth Day…

…your favorite day of the week and why

It used to be Thursday (Cosby Show, A Different World…Must See TV and all that). It also was payday for a bit.

I used to love Wednesdays for the same reason (some kind of television program) …also, it’s the “hump” in the week…the exhale of the week where you finally can see the weekend on the horizon. (I was born on a Wednesday, too)

I’ll just say Saturday.

It was cartoon day as a kid with the line up of my faves: The Smurfs, The Littles, Scooby Doo, Thundercats, Jem!, Alf, Looney Tunes, Tom & Jerry (and Sundays were the day for Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse shorts between The Three Stooges).

..and even though it was also the day we cleaned the house top to bottom…it could ALSO be the day to go out and shop. PRIME time to beg for stuff from mom.

It was the day of the week where I could run OUT of my house and be FREEEEEEE!!!

It was for a time…the night of the week that new movies premiered on Starz! I live for new movie premieres. Don’t forget “Saturday Night Live”…I loved them since the days of Jane Curtain, Gilda Radner, Chevy Chase, John Belushi and Eddie Murphy. (Even though I don’t watch it that much anymore. I normally forget)

Saturday is also the day of the week referenced for my sign (Capricorn)…along with the #8…but, that’s neither here nor there. lol

Saturday or Sabado in Spanish…represent a day for “me time”…even though I know how to turn ANY day into that kind of day. lol

Saturdays are days I get to hang with my sistars. It’s also “Big Breakfast Day” in my house. It’s the one day of the week where I (and sometimes mom) will make a full on breakfast with waffles or pancakes or French Toast with meat (for her) and eggs (for me). Sometimes it’s home fries and ALWAYS coffee! ::swoons for cafe::

Yea…I still love Saturdays.

The Thirteenth Day…

l to r: Tony, his daughter Amber, my mom in the white, Grandma, Daquan and Auntie

…a Christmas Day memory

I could go back in time, but I’d much rather love on the Christmas of 2012. I had one of the best Christmases ever since childhood this past December.

Firstly, It was one of the few Christmases I actually was excited for. I don’t know why. I normally shrug at holidays. Definitely not a fan of commercial days based on religious/historical inaccuracy or ritual. Anyway…I normally let my mom do her thing, go see our family and not care if I’m riding shotgun or not. This time was different.

For one, my Auntie (in the purple) would be visiting and staying a week with us. She’d moved down to NC in September. Also, my cousin Tisha and her family would be up from SC.

Daquan, Amber, Tisha and her husband, Tony

I was also able to give my godson Syre a cool Christmas. I got him a Transformer (Bumblebee, my favorite as well as his) and he loved it. I had fun playing Santa to my sister’s “stepson” and my niece (Joy’s daughter) Chloe. Joy and I also “put in” and gave my mom a Kindle Fire.

We went to Mt. Vernon and visited my grandmother ON Christmas AND the day after. The day after, because that’s when my uncle and his family usually come through.

Uncle Kenny

His wife (center) and his baby girl Megan (with the silly face) and Kaitlyn

We had a ball. We ate, laughed, chilled. I saw my father (he has those pics) and I could say that it was the first time since my grandmother passed that I was in her home without her there for the holidays. It was weird to see his girlfriend at the stove preparing food…like my grandmother did. Chile, don’t get me started. LOL

We also had a great Thanksgiving. We went down to Mt. Vernon and us cousins cut up. I have to share this pic, because it’s the four of us that grew up in the same house for so many years. So much so…we’re not cousins anymore. We’re brothers and sisters. Seeing these folks made my year!

My sister and I flanked by our “brothers”…Arthur (BOOBIE) on your left and Damyan on your right

It was a marvelous holiday and I’ll cherish it forever.

The Tenth Day…

…a day you’d rather forget

That’s easy…March 2nd, 2010.

My grandmother passed away…

She’d had two back to back heart attacks one early Saturday morning…and never recovered. She was 81. I was heart broken.

I woke up that Tuesday morning…and instead of readying for work, a sense of doom fell over me and I sat on the side of my bed in a trance. My heart knew what my mind didn’t want to face…today wasn’t going to be a good day for her.

My sister called me and said that my father had summoned us to the hospital…that it didn’t look good. I already knew that. I got dressed and we went to Mt. Vernon Hospital.

She’d died just moments before we got there.

I went to her bedside and hugged her and cried the hardest wail I’ve ever cried. Her body was there. The machines were moving her chest as if she were breathing. Such cruel necessity.

I was never the same.

Our family was never the same.

I still think my father has lost what small piece of mind that the drugs and alcohol didn’t claim before his sobriety.

We’re a lost clan today…at least on the paternal side.

Yea…that’s all for now.

Chit Chatter

It’s 3am…my witching hour…so of course I’m up.

Right now, I’m listening to the wind whistle Dixie…and an old episode of All My Children is on where I can remember being grossed out by the almost-love affair between Erica and Ryan. How you gone romance your daughter’s baby daddy? Ole cougar lookin’ ass…

Anyway…I’m up. Not mad either. I had a great Vicodin induced “nap”.  Oh, you don’t know what happened? Lemme update you:

~ So, my 40’s kicked the door in with a “probable meniscus tear” in my left knee (to be determined how severe w/an MRI) …did I write that in my birtsay blog? Probably. Either way…I’ve been hobbling like an 80yr old. What I’ve noticed is NOW…I’ve got pain in my right knee, because when you injure one side of your body…the other side will begin to get overused. So now…BOTH knees hurt.

~ I’ve had a tad bit of family drama (on the pappy’s side) and it’s had me in perpetual eye rolling mode for some time now. I’ll just say, “The LOVE of money is the root of all evil”

~ I’m learning to let go…I used to have SUCH a hard time letting go. I love so hard and want people to stay in my life whom I deem important, but when people let you go…you too, have to shake off the shackles of exhausted connections…and yes…even if it is family. I’m preparing myself to leave this earth SOLO…so, that means, if folks wanna act like my presence is optional…I will act accordingly.

~ Fancy Face Kreations has been my new baby for a while now…and with God’s grace and a chance from new connections, it will flourish. Click the link at the top of the page and see what we’re all about!!

~ Folks are hard-headed (random)…I swear you can’t tell folks NOTHING. I promise that I’m  learning to purse my lips and shush my thoughts. 40 gives you an almost automatic IDGAF license.

~ I’m kinda mad that the news reported that cats are killers. DUH..they have claws and teef. They have the hunter instincts like their bigger cat cousins and WILL put it in the life of a bird or rodent. It’s the cycle of life. Talmbout…humans need to keep their cats in the house. “The jail you made for Fluffy is the one you gonna rot in…”

~ Why folks keep messing with Bey? Let that child alone. Leave these CELEBS alone. They’re people too…learn some boundaries. Living a life in the spotlight doesn’t mean you get to invade them with your judgments. Mattafack…try this with ALL humans. Getcho own space.

~ Welp, I’m closing it out…not going to bed so to speak…but, ending my little midnight meandering. I’ll end up on Facebook playing Chefville until I can’t keep my eyes open.

Good night, Scopers. To you all in the line of fire of the bad weather…be safe. God bless. Return to me. 🙂

Kween of What?

My love tree just keeps growing…and growing…and growing 🙂

Firstly…HI!!!

I know it’s been a long time! I haven’t been blogging a lot. Life has been dictating that so I’m not really sorry…just missed you guys!

I just gotta tell you. I love the way life shows you what you need to see. Over and over again, I am shown things even when I’m second-guessing myself. I’ve got great instincts and a lot of empath and psychic energy. I feel a lot and often say, “Nah…stop thinking too much Kiwi”. Mostly because for a long time when I’d SHARE these things, people would say that. “You’re thinking too much girl…” I should know better than to question myself but from time to time, I do. So God be doing things…moving things…proving things. I get it, Lord…I get it.

I’d been reflecting recently on everything around me. My friends, my family and my lack of love life which really isn’t a lack of love…just a male symbol of love…because I’m in a love affair with myself. I dig me. I date me. I seduce me. I flirt with me. I tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m im’poe’tant. LOL

Don’t get me wrong…a girl misses the niceties and novelty beauty of love, but I’m so happy just being able to say I’m blessed…that I don’t dwell on it often. I have my moments when I get lonely for a good hug, kiss, cheek stroke or *ahem* “stroking”…but, that’s human. As long as we’re in this skin, we’ll crave or at least consider…needing someone else.

I learned recently that my blessons (blessed lessons) are vast and deep. I’ve learned the art of love and loss…the art of friendship and loss…and the never to be mastered “art” of losing family. Every day my heart aches for my grandmother, but I know how she was. She was a Cancer woman of much sass, love, outspokenness and grace. She embodied the “mother” trait and often at times could be a walking contradiction. I can hear her saying, “Baby Love…don’t worry about grandma…I’m fine. You worry about you! Go out and make me some great-grand babies. Make em pretty, too!” I don’t think I’m having babies, grandma…but, I think I’ve got the worrying about ME part down…FINALLY!

I love the fact that losing past loves didn’t make me this hateful, inconsiderate, bitter person. I still lavish in all things love and have a deep affinity for couples in love and babies with their parents. After the initial breaking up with past dudes, after long…I’m remembering them at the pinnacle of our connection with fondness and smiles. I’ve learned that the ART of forgiveness is steeped deeply in the art of self. It’s for me. MY freedom, peace and future happiness. Who they are and what they do is solely between them and their God.

I’ve also learned that in spite of how time passes, there are people who were once my best friends and sole confidantes will always reside tucked sweetly in my soul. There…in the spaces between hi’s and bye’s…are albums of mental pictures of things we did together, recorded audio of phone convos that go back and forth between salacious, silly and serious…and always…always…LOVE.

Once I’m bonded with you…nothing but death can keep me from loving you. Nothing but the most heinous of crimes could keep me from still thinking of you as I remember you best.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I once considered renaming myself. Taking the Kween of Love name away from my Twitter and giving myself something more realistic to how my life is. I mean, folks be coming to me for advice and support on things I don’t even possess true experience on. I have no kids. I have no man in this moment. I’ve got both my parents (Thank you God for each day you renew us in) and honestly…I’m not a party person, a sex nympho or anything.  What I realized the other day that people come to me, not because I’m an expert. They come to me because I am an observer. I am a pure lover…and because they TRUST me. Isn’t that beautiful? To be trusted with someone’s daily life troubles and concerns on the strength of love for you and yours for them. That’s a blessing.

Like I said…I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. Some gaps need to be closed in on, others are fine as they are. Every gap isn’t an obstacle…sometimes, it’s for your own safety. This ONE gap though…it’s not working. A bridge needs to be rebuilt…even if only so that it’s there and not because it will be used right away.

Baby steps, Kween of Love…Baby steps 🙂