The Elephant In The Room

I’m walking out of Dunkin Donuts…coffee in hand…

I see a brotha in the corner on the phone…eyeing the slim chick walking toward the counter. I spy him…he ogles her…he doesn’t see me. I giggle and shake my head.

That woman didn’t see him anymore than he saw me…and in my head I’m thinking, “Damn shame.”

Why? Well it’s because I see it all of the time. Some scruffy looking dude is all up in some thin chick’s mug and she’s paying him no mind…and a big woman [such as myself] sees him and he doesn’t see her.

Mind you, I’m simply an observer. I see a lot…I won’t say everything, but I do catch a lot that people don’t. That often gets labeled as me being overly analyzing..but, that’s not it. I just catch the damnedest shit. This is no different.

Recently, it’s been very obvious to me about the whole weight issue. I’ve got good reason to believe that I’ve been skimmed over a number of times due to my weight. It doesn’t matter how un-sexy, unattractive or equally pudgy a dude is…he gets to choose the slimmer version of me, whilst my pickings are slim…no pun intended. It’s kind of what my sister Joy was asking on a Facebook status earlier this morning…

okay, I’m confused about a few things. now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about that out of the box thinking. I’m sure this one has been explained before, but I still don’t get it.


here it goes: why do women have to keep a man?! someone explain this to me. when is the last time you heard someone say, “he can’t keep a woman?!” o_O why is it our sole responsibility to keep this man fed, sexed up, taught, encouraged, entertained, and what not?! mind you, the man is usually the one chasing the woman. so once you catch us we gotta keep you entertained for your troubles? lol OH OKAY! his work is done…he can go sit his ass down..HA! ok. someone..anyone..please help me understand this one.” ~ Humble BE aka Joy

Now, what she said is indirectly linked to what I’m saying. Men aren’t ever truly worried about the prospects of dating. We’re pressed to find ways to “keep a man”. Whether that be, having a slim figure, be an “independent woman whose got her own”, a freak, a chef, a mom, a nurse…you get it. We’ve got to embody EVERY thing that man may want in order to keep HIM…even if he’s lacking in several of these departments  himself. Why should he though? A lot of women are so desperate to be a part of a couple that they’ll shoulder that responsibility AND the blame that comes with it failing. Men have it easier in the dating department. Period.

That thin chick didn’t see that dude in DD…but, does he really care? I mean, chances are…that he’ll have 8 more options…and half will consider him. He can do this all day. Meet several women, try his hand, fail and have 8 more options…that’s the way it is. Imagine the plight of the “big girl”.  If the average woman is in a line up of 9 women…and has a 1 in 9 chance of snagging a dude, consider the statistics of a woman carrying some extra rolls and the stigma that comes along with it.

How you gone like pears and troll for apples? Shoot for the moon, mofo!

I’ve seen the topic debated numerous times…how being big is unhealthy and how one has to be attracted to the outside as well as the inside. I’m so sick of it. Honestly, in this life if someone gives you love from the bottom of their hearts you’d be BLESSED to be on the receiving end. People want perfection and instant gratification and it’s selfish. Period! Relationships are a journey of growing and understanding each other…loving in spite of flaws and short-comings. All of those conditions are what keep relationships failing.

Yet, it’s the preliminaries…it’s the visual that leads the way. It’s sad that in this society a sub par man with “okay” aesthetics is going to bide his time with the big girl until the slim one comes along to fulfill his ultimate desires, all while making him look good as his arm candy. A man is going to dream of Jeannie and settle for Endora until Jeannie blinks in his direction. Well, the big girl has feelings too…she doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice. Why does she get to inherit a man’s issues with superficiality, when she deserves to be seen at the core for what she is? I can respect a man or woman’s preference to be with whomever they want…but, when you’re not hitting on shit and you settle at what YOU believe is the bottom of the pile, I lose respect. People saying how they want someone with substance, someone who can see them for exactly who they are, but they’re looking at the other person’s frame as a  deal-breaker before they even get to know if this person is everything they HAVEN’T dreamed of. As a matter of fact…they may miss out on what GOD has presented them with. I for one am not losing weight so I can say I have someone. The one for me is going to see past the weight and love Kali.

I desire for a man to look me in my eye…into my soul…and see who I am. Why should I be thrown up against a wall, weighed and measured…before someone decides that I’m worthy of his time? Someone whose soul is probably more unattractive than my supposed overweight body…gets to determine my worth? Oh, no you don’t. I’m a whole lotta woman…more so because of my attributes and heart. My body is secondary to my inner person. God made me and everyday I do my very best to treat people the way He would want me to. I embrace folks regardless of what thing sits on the surface. Who is to say that your love can’t be the impetus for someone’s life change. Who knows what would happen if a person were to be 100% embraced by love? One might inspire someone to hit the treadmill on the highest setting!

Remember THIS though…

ANYTHING can happen. The judgment you cast upon someone else can be the very condition you incur. I once knew someone who looked down on a domestic situation I had in my 20’s. One day, I looked up and her then situation wasn’t much different. I’d triumphed over mine…I wonder where she is? I pray not in the same place.

We have a right to want what we want…I’d just hope that while wanting what you want…you reflect your desires. Be what you want…otherwise, you’re just another fool batting out of your league.

*chick walked right past his ass, too* LOL

A Future Friday

Sitting here on a Friday night…daydreaming of a desire. Listening to music…feeling a need for…


…tender conversation


a touch across the table…


a tilt of the head that says, “Oooh…I like you”


the sparkle of a star’s light in my eyes…


the coy giggle that invites more of his sweet comedic lure…


sharing forkfuls of dinner and dessert…


just so he can see me lick my lips…


or just so I can kiss the berry from his…


will he cup my chin?
whisper sin in my ear in a room of knowing strangers?
his breath, the wind in my hair…and the chill in my skin


walking, with fingers interlaced…not holding hands…just pinky swearing
watching things move blindly, while really focused on each other
saying nothing with our mouths…and everything with our silence
slow dancing to a musical thought…
closed eyes and wide smiles…
long kisses good night…
or maybe, a long love-making night.


not THIS Friday…but, maybe a future Friday to come…


~This song was my inspiration…It’s the “hidden track” off of Faith Evan’s new album “Something About Faith”~







Hey Thick and Sexy…







…REALLY now?


Is this what it is? Men think it’s okay to approach a woman like this?


Now wait {scratches chin}…before some of you say, “Damn, Kween…maybe he thought you were THICK and SEXY!” or “See, if he DIDN’T holla…” (go ahead and add other possible reactions). Yet, what I’m getting at isn’t that the dude responsible for the blog title is wrong for being attracted to me, or getting the gumption to actually approach…but, his METHOD is what I question. Even though I am cool with being considered thick and sexy…I don’t quite appreciate that being the first thing out of a man’s mouth when he speaks to me for the first time.


If I said to a dude on first glance, “Hey Cute and Chubby” or “Hey Short and Sexy”…regardless of the underlying implication that I’m indeed allured by said attributes…it MIGHT be considered a little on the disrespectful/hurtful side. Most people I know don’t want to be called by names associated with body type. Even if a chick is shaped like a Coke bottle…to call her that, to me is indicative of 1) lack of originality 2) superficiality and 3) lack of manners/decorum.  It’s flat out classless.


So…when cat hit me with a message and said “Hey there, Thick and Sexy”…I wasn’t flattered. I was turned off. I felt as if he didn’t (as DeBarge so eloquently sung) “…dig deep into your train of thought…try to find something new…what worked so well for you before…for me just won’t do…” Whatever happened to, “Hi, my name is…” or “Hello Pretty…” hell even THAT is better than thick and sexy. It’s almost like saying to ME…that thick AND sexy are two different things…and with me, everything that I am is embodied in my sex[y]. From my mental splendor…to the fluff in my figure…to the wit that makes me funny…to my spiritual “innocence” and my emotional tenderness. It’s all a part of me…and I’M sexy…because I say so. I just don’t want a dude more or less “cat-calling” me without even knowing if that’s how I get down. Don’t say, “Hey boo”, “Hey Ma”, etc. Boo and Ma and Baby are terms of endearment…and I feel they’re better suited to someone whom you are already endeared to. 


A kween of my sort must be approached with the care and respect of an admired butterfly. Not so much to tread lightly…as to tread with the truth in mind that this thing of beauty (inside and out) isn’t to be roughed off or handled like any other.


*deleting message*