Child, Please…

I was a child once…we all were. (Some of us still are, but that’s another blog) We’ve all been there with new eyes, spirit and perceptions. Our parents, our first impression of “God” and the guidance we get from them. Even at times we felt abandoned (as sometimes humans do when they feel their prayers aren’t answered) when our parents didn’t measure up. We’ve all experienced a sense of being young and lost. Either way…childhood is something to be preserved and enjoyed. No child should feel like they’ve exchanged roles with their parents and are caretakers, mediators or examples in their tender age.

Yet, that’s what happens when adults acting like children allow their break up to affect their sense of reason and sacrifice as a parental unit. You shouldn’t pretend that there isn’t anything wrong…but, it shouldn’t feel like the battle of all battles when you and your ex step in a room. Your child shouldn’t feel like the prize in a tug-of-war.


HOW do you know (just in case you’re THAT damned oblivious) that you’re using your kid as a pawn?

  • You ask your child questions about your ex’s activity. Including, but not limited to…who they’re seeing, where they go, what they say about YOU, etc.
  • You bar your ex from seeing their child (if you’re a custodial parent) for no other reason than they either didn’t want YOUR ass, didn’t comply with some petty request or you just “felt like it”. Your child should NOT have to suffer because you’re being a bratty child yourself. Didn’t get what you wanted out of the relationship?…too bad. What you DID get is a beautiful child who has a right to see and experience BOTH of their parents…unless your ex is a pedophile, criminal or has missed more visits with them than they’ve kept. (That kind of inconsistency can be heartbreaking)
  • You teach your child to lie. You do this when you make up reasons [in front of them] for them not being able to see your ex. When you lie [in front of them] about why. When you tell your child things to sway their affections. BAD mom/dad…BAD BAD mom/dad!

These are just a few…but, you get it.

I know of a few different scenarios where people have/are used/using their children as pawns:

`A man whose ex-wife is so vindictive that her actions can only be deemed as evil. From trumped up charges of harassment, calling him crazy which required psych evaluation, keeping his son from him for months at a time while actively harassing him and his new girlfriend with phone calls and emails. She’s also exhibited signs that she wants him back…or at least, doesn’t want anyone to have him. She’s even taken to dressing like his current girlfriend even though his girl’s style has never been his ex-wife’s style. O__O

`A woman whose husband refuses to divorce her, but is fighting for custody of their child. What kind of ass backward, shaken baby syndrome, fuckshit is that? How don’t you want to let someone go, but want to take the child you share? I’ll tell you…he’s fucking PSYCHO! He wants her in some twisted way, yet because he knows she doesn’t want HIM…he tortures her with the one thing he can. The marriage. Her desire to be free by name and law. Their daughter is just a pawn. I’m all but 100% certain this man has traumatized their daughter with his barrage of questions about where her mother is, who she’s with, if she’s dating, etc. All of this while training their child to “blame” her for everything that’s wrong. Absolutely disgusting, I tell you.

`I also have a friend whose child’s mother is SO hung up on what they DIDN’T have (in spite of her being married for several years) that she’s been plotting with her husband to steal his rights. All he wants is to be a father…and she’s so twisted she can’t nor does she care to see that.

PEOPLE!!! Get your life right. I am honestly taken aback by the selfishness of jilted and angry adults who refuse to see that the children should be the focus of their lives. How the moment you brought children into the world, it was no longer ALL about YOU! Whatever didn’t go wrong with your ex, whatever it is you think they’ve done wrong…the children deserve the best possible environment you can give them. If you have to wear a straight face, so the baby can see daddy…so be it. Cry in your bed later for missing him…but, for goodness sake…don’t not answer his calls. The baby will grow up and be a resentful adult and you WILL be blamed.


Games, Pawns and Checking ya Mate

Restraining order…court appointed psych test…supervised visits…physical abuse…using child as pawn to manipulate the situation.

What am I talking about? BULLSHIT…PURE unadulterated, nonsensical, unnecessary bullshit.

I know a dude who has been separated from his wife for 2 years. In that time…all of those legal terms above have been used against him. In SPITE of his wife’s incessant emotional and psychological torment…he wanted to reunite. He did everything she asked to prove himself. She lied to the courts and said he was a danger to himself, he had threatened suicide and that she was afraid for her son’s safety with him. The courts made him take a psych test…which he passed. Unfortunately, he was appointed supervised visitations…meaning if he sees his kid…he has to see her too. THEN, when he finds someone else…moves on, files for divorce due to abandonment…she becomes this maniac, stalking him and the girl…showing up at his house at inordinate times of the day or night. Going from Ms Bitch on Wheels, to Merriest Homemaker. TELL me that’s not the craziest shit?

I personally feel like she is wielding her power…recklessly I might add. She’s already taken dude to the cleaners (because since he isn’t divorced his income still gets allotted to the household). She’s controlling when he sees his son…if at all. She knows his family has an open-door policy…so she comes in and out freely now that she suspects she is losing control over him. All of this is because he’s chosen to go through with the divorce she never thought he’d ask for. She is confrontational…looking for reasons to get into it with him and his new interest…yet, throughout the marriage (of 8yrs) she’s been openly disrespectful…allowing men to challenge her husband’s position…leading him to believing strongly that she’s been sleeping with at least ONE person. SO…wtf?

THIS is why I say, when you’re in a situation that is drawn out like psychological/emotional warfare between you and an ex-spouse/lover (esp. one that is headed to court) you should DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Like a journal. Every time something happens out of the ordinary or out of that person’s character….or just an unstable behavioral pattern…write it down.

The judge WILL look at all inconsistent activity. If a person is saying in court, “Your Honor…this person is harassing me”…but the records point towards mental game playing and THAT person initiating conflict…esp. ones that led to filing of false reports…the judge will not take kindly to that.

Basically, you have to be willing to take certain things into your own hands. If you allow for a person to think that just because they’re not being watched by an officer of the court…that they can do malicious things to you…they will continue to do so. You have to be proactive with 3 major things in life…education, medical doctors, and the law. Not only will the courts possibly see a factor that isn’t visible to the naked eye…but they will respect the process. The time and energy you took to build a case and come full throttle in the courtroom, instead of half-assing and playing tiddlywinks on the taxpayer’s dollars. An organized case makes for speedy decision making. I think it is time well spent…especially where children are involved.