Do You Take This Woman? …Literally?

Everyday at work, in between bustling phone calls, being the copy whore and chuckling with my o-buds…I research. Something different daily to keep my mind spry on the down swings. I guess it’s the nerd/geek in me, but to me it’s a constructive way to keep me occupied and OFF Facebook as much as possible.

Recently, I’ve researched everything from French, Spanish & Greek alphabets, to constellations, to Greek/Roman mythology, to the origin of surnames. Today, I researched the bizarre origin of wedding traditions that many women utilize in their ceremonies in today’s age.

This one article on CNN Living was especially educational and interesting. I shared my findings with a couple of people. We all were like wow…okay. O_O

Some of my favorite ones were this one for instance…

The Garter Belt and Bouquet Toss

This pair of rituals has long been the scourge of the modern wedding guest. What could possibly be more humiliating than being forced out to the center of a parquet dance floor and being expected to demonstrate your desperation by diving for flying flowers?

How about grasping in the air for a lacy piece of undergarment that until moments ago resided uncomfortably close to the crotch of your buddy’s wife? At any other point in time, that would make you seem wildly creepy. So why is it acceptable at a wedding?
It used to be that after the bride and groom said, “I do,” they were to go immediately into a nearby room and consummate the marriage. Obviously, to really make it official, there would need to be witnesses, which basically led to hordes of wedding guests crowding around the bed, pushing and shoving to get a good view and hopefully to get their hands on a lucky piece of the bride’s dress as it was ripped from her body.
Sometimes the greedy guests helped get the process going by grabbing at the bride’s dress as she walked by, hoping for a few threads of good fortune. In time, it seems, people realized that this was all a bit, well… creepy, and it was decided that for modesty’s sake the bride could toss her bouquet as a diversion as she made her getaway and the groom could simply remove an item of the bride’s undergarments and then toss it back outside to the waiting throngs to prove that he was about to, uh, seal the deal.

WOW…really son? That’s some freaky shit. Gathering all around the newlyweds bed to see him hit it? The crowd ripping off chica’s gown to get a piece of her “good fortune”? (Because CLEARLY being almost forced to screw hubby in front of a gang of pervs is the absolute BEST fortune!)
Yea, that’s some kinda crazy. I even got a kick out of the fact that the bridal party was originally meant to aid in distracting naysayers, ill-willed bastards and crazy exes. I guess in a way, that’s a good damn idea…except of course the ex is some crazed gun-toting, knife-wielding maniac refusing to let anyone have you…since they can’t. Can you imagine that? One of the bridesmaids getting snatched up and then tortured once Ex O’Nutso realizes he’s grabbed the wrong broad to kidnap.
It’s interesting that the tradition that women go ga-ga for is steeped in shotgun wedding techniques and forced unions for the sake of debts, status or sacrifice. How a family used their daughters as currency and bargaining chips. How brutal is that? It’s unbelievable how the meaning has evolved into something glamorous and almost coveted. Women will beg, borrow and steal…often putting the future of said marriage in jeopardy…all for the sake of the most beautiful wedding they CANT afford. I guess we should just be lucky that we’re doing it by choice, now…

Just kidnap me and call me Mrs., why don’tcha…

I’m here…Random as hell, but I’m here

I feel a little…well a lot shitty today. I guess I’m not immune from being sick. My kween status has been disrespected. I, da Kween…am coming down with “something”.

I haven’t been “sick” for a while. Save for some aches, pains, headaches and exhaustion from time to time…I haven’t been, “Call the doctor” sick in some time. I’m still confused as to how the germs got past the anti-bacterial shit and the washing of the hands and the 409. Perhaps it’s just the change of season as everyone has said. Either way, I need a day off…thank God my annual physical is tomorrow or I’d be up a stank rank and dank creek.

Anyway…here’s some Miscellaneous Rhetoric for you guys. I guess when you’re grumpy…everything annoys you. Especially at the job.

~WHY on God’s gaseous ball of rock and liquid…does one of the supervisors at my job INSIST on being >>thisclose<< to me. This chick locks eyes with me every time she passes…even if I'm trying NOT to look at her…somehow she's in line of sight. O_O 

AND…why does she insist on pronouncing my name “Kay-lee” instead of “KALLY”. I told this hoe…make it rhyme with Sally…alley…use it in a sentence and don’t forget it. I am convinced she’s intentionally fucking my name up. How about I stop calling her Laurie and call her Lauren for a week. You think she’ll get it, then?

~There’s a chick at my job who I’m convinced is a candidate for a mainstreaming program. She kinda reminds me of “Lurch”…with her lankiness and her almost strange features. (scanning Rolodex of animals she may look like) Rhino? Is that it? Anyway…I SWEAR I’m not usually this mean, but she’s a pain in the ass. She either smokes or has asthma and either way she’s breathing harder than a fat dude after sex. Talking to customers a mile a minute and then taking one huge GASP…and then continuing. She laughs like a bass-toned hyena on hallucinogens…and most of all…she’s all UP in your business but SUPER vague and private with her own shit. She also has the tendency to ask me to do the most nonsensical clerical tasks, to which I almost always respond, “Get someone else…I’m busy”. I know, I know…Kween is mean. *rolling eyes*

~ Caucasian and Latino folks…I love all kinds…but, I have a VERY special PSA for you: Quit wearing flip flops and open-toed shoes into the damn winter!! You look stupid with a parka on or a raincoat/overcoat on in the rain and snow and your ass got your cracked and ashy ass heels out in some summer sandals. STOP IT!!

~ THIS face —> O_O …is the International face for WTF, I don’t care, or I don’t understand the dumb shit you’re saying. If I look at you like O_O…your best best is to STFU and walk away…

~ Don’t ask me what I like or want and then proceed to tell me that either that’s stupid or well, I don’t have that…take this. Um…don’t make me morph into my dolphin persona and fin slap the shit outta you.

~ Learn some etiquette. Yes. ETIQUETTE! It’s the way of doing things, appropriately, diplomatically, mannerly and with flair. It’s the way of engaging and responding with class and sophistication, rather than like a hood rat or a child with no home. This includes but is not limited to, proper communication (preferably private) when you have an issue with someone. Your friends should not have to read your status to see what they did wrong. Your family shouldn’t have to read your status to find out you’re engaged/married. Don’t make me pick a switch and welp you folks into some ack right. *smh at FB’s fuckery*

~ Quit lying, pretending, putting on airs, etc…the truth oozes from your pores whether you know it or not. You might have popped a piece of gum to hide lunch…but, the garlic is all in your pores (analogy). If you’re real with you (because God already knows)…then don’t be afraid to be real with the world. I don’t want to be around, in love with or friends with a SOUL that I’m afraid to be real with. Love me or leave me be. Be you or die a spiritual death.

~ Some random questions…

*Why is Gina Neely so loud?

*Is Pat cute or what? lol

*Why am I so happy that the lady next door finally got her window replaced after a month or more? You would think she drove me to work…

*Why can Chinese folks make damn near everything? Burgers…Mexican…wtf?

*Why do I feel helpless now that my electric toothbrush died…like I forgot how to do it without vibrations…

*Why are my summer sandals still sitting at Joy’s office O_O

*Why have I been dreaming non-stop for 2 weeks that my 1st love and I are married…and last night’s dream had him rubbing my belly with lotion…you know…to keep it from itching during pregnancy? O_O

*Is my mom making that chicken soup yet? I hungry. (Yes. I said “I hungry”)

signed — Da Kween (so y’all will know it’s me and not some hacker blogging random shit)