For REAL for real? …I can run this year down to you by month and point out every major thing that took place that played a part in the shifting of my so-called “ME” year into a “WHY ME” year. LOL
I’ll spare you though…really, I’m sparing myself. I don’t need to rehash EVERY single thing that took place this year. You need only scan this blog to get a glimpse of that. I’m a trooper, a soldier, a rogue, maverick mofo…and I love that about me. I rock when shit starts rolling. I stand when challenged to be seated…refusing to cave. I laugh when there’s no reason to it (even though someone looking at me might think I’ve snapped and cracked my cookie jar) LOL
Things got testy. Things got REALLY dicey. I almost lost it. For real. You all don’t know. I got so angry with life that I was ready to go IN on whomEVER was within reach. ::stop:: (This is where I decided to go talk to a counselor for my grief and anger. It didn’t work out with the chick I was seeing…I got ANGRY when chick couldn’t remember who she was counseling O_O Where they do that at? Oh, I know…THAT chick’s office) ANY who…I decided that I could work through it with some basic tools of understanding and my faith in God. I did it. No…HE did it along with the help of some beautiful people. Myself, my friends and family and all of their prayers and love. They are the ABSOLUTE best. Thank you, Mommy, Sis, Joy, DeeBo, Cee, Maria, Harmony, Caprice, Chante, Dani, The Mama for checking in on me, my old neighborhood homie, T. Shannon…and you know what? It would be totally unfair to not say thank you to Chap. Yes, my ex was there for me in the beginning weeks of my grandmother’s passing and even though we parted ways…he helped tremendously. Thank you, Pito. lol I hope ALL of your New Years are blessed, folks. You all deserve it!
NOW…onto 2011. I am open to all of the positive opportunities of love, prosperity and happiness. I always am. 2011’s beginning is pure ceremony to me. I practice love in my kweendom daily. I pray that whatever it is that means something to you all…becomes practiced and perfected. Thanks to my readers, cheerleaders and naysayers (you matter, too). With God’s grace, I will see tomorrow…
Happy New Year!!
…began in the beginning of Spring.
I don’t need to wait until the clock strikes 12am, January 1st, 2011 for me to put some things into motion. If I waited all year for the New Year to chime in…JUST to change my life…that would be pretty damn dumb. I get what resolutions are about, but truth is…when things are deferred…it’s out of sight out of mind. Old habits cling to you like funk on an old trick. My ex, Ali told me once, “It takes 21 days to form a habit…and just as long to break it”. If I put myself in the habit of reconfiguring my thoughts, actions, spiritual disposition…then, I can slowly but surely morph into whom it is I strive to be.
What’s going down and NOT going down is as diverse as people are. Some shit will never make it across my threshold. For as long as I live, some signs don’t have to come in waves. One or two flags will get you dismissed. I’ve got many things that I’ve learned and am still learning, but I’ve got a pretty good idea as to what it is I will not have in my life.
My focus HAS to be on ME. I’ve been a caretaker for a very long time. To the detriment of my own spiritual and mental health, I’ve lent myself to a lot of people and situations that never deserved my ADD attention…let alone my full focus. I’ve learned and am STILL learning (the theme of life)…that people do exactly what they want. I’ve learned that no matter how tight you think you are with people or how much you love and thought you were loved…everyone is capable of choosing something or someone other than you. What motivates those choices isn’t my focus any longer…just the way I deal with it.
I hope the men are paying attention to THIS one in particular. I’ve had it. I’ll be 38, God willing on January 10th and I’m so very exhausted. I’d rather live in the woods with Bambi anem, eating twigs and berries…scratching my ass with my own hoof…than to deal with crap any longer. If you’re bored, in between make ups/break ups with the S/O, are looking for guiltless sex, but are using romance as the lure (I’d prefer you tell me I’m attractive and you wanna bed me. Will you get rejected? Who knows…but be a big boy about it) …if you’re looking to conquer the kween…whatsoever drives you aimlessly in my direction…DON’T! Pass me over. Don’t waste my time. I’ve been nice in the past…but, I WILL blast/blog/status your ass this go round. Why? Well, because if women stood up more to the bullshit…men would get away with much less. You will not roll up and claim to want to get to know me better and then say a week later on FB “in a relationship”. (Yea, I’m talking to you…) That shit didn’t happen overnight. Don’t play with people’s emotions…you may not like what you get in return.
I have always been the person that considers. I consider the FULL picture. I search the spectrum of scenarios before I make a move in any direction. That’s called CHESS. You wanna play checkers? Go to the park. I’m sure an old head will oblige you. I, on the other hand am not dealing in any penny ante games of cat and mouse, pride and prejudice, war and peace…etc. lol
Life snatched some rugs from up under me this year and though I’m strong…I’m a little worn. The Capricorn in me had me holding on with clenched fingertips to people and things. I can’t. It’s not in the cards. I used to call it quitting…now, I call it survival.
Unlike last year, I will not “claim” this year as mine. I said it would be all about me in 2010 and it wasn’t. It was all about loss. Well not ALL about loss. I lost relationships and I lost a huge part of my heart when my grandmother died. I found some cool people to add to my circle of trust. *channeling Meet The Fockers* LOL
Then again…perhaps it WAS about me. Maybe, God removed my proverbial bush to see where my heart was. I hope I passed, God. I tried. I prayed for my naysayers, I forgave, and I never denied You. I guess this year was about my walk with Him. 2010…10…it’s the number that follows 9. It’s the 1 and the cipher 0…1’s new beginning. Indeed, it was about me. Now let’s see if I can “master” 2011. (11 is a master number, since the 1 is repeated and strengthened). Yea, I’m into a little Numerology. Don’t judge me. lol
Happy New Year!
Merry Christmas to you all from Thee Kween. ~LOVE and PEACE~
“It is a proficient life that springs upward and not rest in the shell of a seed…” ~Kween
Okay, so I’m no Socrates…or Homer Simpson, but you get it. I’m a work in progress, just like everyone else on this green and blue thing. I’m doing the best I can most days. Yet, you would think that at 37, I’d get a hang of certain things. Surely, I’m evolving and learning (and re-learning) “keys” of life. So, indeed…mistakes will be made, habits unmasked, lies…self-told as well…will find their way into the light. They will become the disease and tumors that we spiritually scalpel away at with intent to free the body of our lives from the pains. I am under the x-ray…currently viewing myself…but the adage goes, “It is a fool who has himself as a client/patient”. I think. LOL
We can only do but SO much doctoring to ourselves. We can only view within as deep as our scope can go. At some point, the outside view of loved ones (and sometimes people with no investment at all) are necessary to properly measure, for lack of better term…our fucked-up-ness.
Today at work, two ladies I respect and like a LOT got into it over a miscommunication concerning a shift. One called me to see if I could cover long enough for her to return and the other to take her lunch. When I went to ask the receptionist if she needed me to sit for her…she asked why. I lied. I said just because I’ve done it before. I haven’t been there at the job as long as they’ve known one another. I didn’t want to say too much. I was trying to be neutral…it didn’t work. She sensed I hadn’t told the truth and called me on it. I admitted that I had but for good reasons. (This is where you realize ONCE again, that even a white lie has big repercussions). She was offended and let me know so…a LOT. Unfortunately…I wasn’t in the mood to be brow-beaten and subsequently chided. I backed down gracefully. The headache gnawing at the rear of my brain refused me any normal come backs. I apologized. Yet, it wasn’t enough. She went into how her day began screwed up and my lie was icing on a fallen, lop-sided cake. I wanted to know if I was paying for someone else’s crap. She said no…I silently differed.
Here I am…learning for the umpteenth time in my 37 years…that lying…for WHATEVER reason, has it’s consequence.
I also sat and talked with my b-fly, Joy…and learned some things about myself. I knew them, but I needed reminding…just so I can work on them more than I have. *clearing throat* I…Kali aka Kween…have a problem hearing things about myself! 🙂
I’m learning, I’m trying, I’m open to the input of my loved ones…I pride myself on that. Just in case you didn’t hear me on the phone, Joy…I VALUE your opinion and your insight. You have a LOT to offer…don’t ever think otherwise. Intelligence doesn’t beat out heart….EVER!!
Over and out…I must go evolve. 😉
Which one are you? If either?
If you’re Peppermint Patty (we’ll call her P.P. for short)…then you’re the one in charge. You’re the kinda chick whose friend[s] roll with her out of fear, need, or boredom. You can’t roll with Lucy, because she’ll probably kick your ass. You don’t roll with Sally, because she’s too young and she’s C.Brown’s sister, so you don’t want to hurt her or you’ll never sniff C.Brown’s breath. The little Red-Headed girl is too “cute” for you…with her, you become the “ugly friend”. At least with Marcie, no one’s checking for her either, so you like rolling with someone on equal or lower status than you. You make Marcie do all of your dirty work. If you want to know something, send Marcie. Marcie will watch your kids, do your laundry, loan you cash, tell you what you want to hear and call you “sir” all the while.
If you’re Marcie…chances are you’re probably smarter than P.P. You hang with her because she’s the only one that acknowledges you’re around. You KNOW that if you had balls you wouldn’t even deal with her. You’d get some contacts…or not, create your own circle or hook up with Lucy. At least then, you’d know that Lucy would beat the tar shit out of P.P. for rolling up wrong.
Okay, yea…I took The Peanuts and thugged em out a little..but there’s a message. As I sit watching yet another reality show (Basketball Wives)…I grow disgusted more and more by the moment watching Evelyn run roughshod over every chick on the show. Shaunie, the producer and HBIC… invites Tami Roman (ex of Kenny Anderson and ex-Real World cast member) to meet…and she decides she already doesn’t like her. (Fast Forward to the preview of an upcoming show where Tami lunges into Evelyn’s ass). I hate that no one checks her…assertively…on her shit. There’s something to be said for the kind of woman who doesn’t want her friends to like ANYONE but her…to the point, she’ll sabotage every other connection. I bask in the variety of friends I have…and I’m cool that each friend I have has her own bestie or her friend isn’t quite mutual. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. If you’re stuck under your friend too much, it can make you grow sick of them. Weeks go by before I spend a day or more with my friends and I’m cool on that. I have always been a homebody and I revel in my alone time. It feeds my writer’s passions and my artist’s inspirations. Too much of everyone else’s energy can drown out the call of your own individual desires.
It’s a damn shame that chicks are so catty…especially when you’re in your 30’s, parents and responsible citizens with jobs/careers. Grow up Peppermint Patty…and quit wearing the damn Birkenstocks. Get you some Uggs. LOL
Hmmm…my 37th year was some kinda year. Who would’ve known that I’d leave it with a few less friends and an ex. Who would’ve known that I’d gain a few more friends who’ve been my Rocks of Gibraltar. Who would’ve known that I’d have less patience, less tolerance, more attitude…~sigh~
Who would’ve known that I’d leave with one less…grandmother.
My champion, my counselor, my Cancerian comedienne…someone I could go to and tell her the things that I felt silly saying to others.
I miss you, Grandma.
I miss your mischievous chuckle. Your sassy, no-nonsense wit, your loving ways, and that “knowing” that few others tap into. I miss hearing you call me “Baby Love”. I miss your need to see my wallet (because you never believed me when I said I had money, LOL). I miss how you’d feign disappointment when I took too long a break between phone calls.
I’ll miss your yearly Christmas card…money or no money.
I remember the year you bought me an electric organ, on which I learned to play “Home on the Range” and “Silent Night”. No wonder I love the piano so much now…I should take lessons one day.
I remember how when Monifa and I were kids, you’d make SURE that daddy got us something nice or at least gave us money…no matter what else he did, you made him put us first. You’d hound him come Fridays so he’d remember my $20 allowance and Monifa’s $10…We secretly licked our tongues at him for it. LOL
I remember the last time you sent me money…I knew something was wrong. You needed Uncle Jerry’s home care aide to write my address down for you. I’ve never known you to need someone to write for you. That worried me. Then your voice with all of it’s life and the way you spoke as if you were smiling…gone…replaced with the frail echo of sickness…
Our last conversation…you promising me you’d go to the doctor, me afraid it was too late…
At least our last words were, “I love you”…and I do.
Merry Christmas, Grandma…
Always, Baby Love
Every day…we wake up, turn on a TV, a faucet, plug in an iron, a blow dryer…and go about our day. We enjoy our cell phones, laptops and iPods…thinking very little of what makes it all tick.
As, I was in the kitchen tonight…I became absorbed in thought. As I listened to the faucet’s flow turn to noise in my ear…I asked myself a question. “What if this all stopped tomorrow…what would I do? If my faucet ran dry…the electrical outlets went cold…the fridge quit humming…what would I do? How would we as a land of many amenities and luxuries, respond to the shutting down of resources. No more clean water, no more convenient shopping for foods and textiles. All that would be left are houses that serve no other purpose than to protect us from the elements. Do you think we would or could adapt? Do you think we’d be open to learning how to start from scratch? Learning agriculture and doing things by hand instead of expecting a machine to do it for us…what would happen to our land?
I see what happens when people are disconnected from the Internet for some reason or another. It’s like crack. Yet, what if that life wasn’t just a lapse of bill payment, technical difficulty or lack of hardware? What if it were forced onto us by way of some catastrophic event that leveled our current way of living to the ground. Could you survive? Would you WANT to survive?
Could you chase down your own yak ass ala National Geographic? Could you see yourself, building fires, using buckets as toilets…or instead of bringing back SEXY, you brought back the outhouse…scary, huh?
I remember watching The Jetsons and wanting my dinner to come out of a maching piping hot from a small box (wait…that’s a microwave). Well, how about the moving sidewalk? (shit, that’s a treadmill). Okay, what about the car that turns into a briefcase? HA! Anyway, I remember wanting to live in the future…and now that we’re kinda sorta here…I wonder how quickly we could go backwards. (Remember the special they did where the Flintstones switched places with the Jetsons?). I wonder if we’d turn on each other out of boredom…victims of indoctrinated ADHD. I wonder if we’d die due to lack of adaption. I’m sure there would be a group of weaker people who’d die from fear and confusion…just as I’m sure there would be a group of outdoorsy types who’d be chopping wood, building fires, and creating perfectly sound huts ala Gilligan’s Island.(Do you all remember the PERFECTLY built huts, tables, chairs, cycling CAR, etc. that they built on that island? The Professor was the BOMB, lol)
I, digress…again. ~damn that short attention span~
I wondered what would become of this society if all that we knew was razed to the foundation and we were forced to re-build society. How would the pampered people of NOW deal with a very BARE life?
Would YOU survive?
Why fo’ can’t I sit here and sip out MY damn cup…without suckas tryna knock it out my hand?
Okay, I will NOT go into the specifics (tired of talking on THAT subject)…all I’m going to say is that negativity spreads like wild fires…setting aflame everything in it’s path. Even the beautiful things that just so happen to be in it’s way. Sometimes people don’t THINK they’re being negative…but, here’s a few tips to search your soul for that answer:
~Is what I have to say helping?
~Did anyone ask my opinion? (this should be #1)
~If I don’t say anything is it going to kill me?
Every thought doesn’t have to be articulated. I say this 1,000 times a day. We all fall victim frequently to the Internet’s lure of instant gratification…think it now…say it NOW! Yet, there is something that sits between thought and action. It’s called the BACKSPACE button. JUST when you start tip-tapping on those keys and your words spill out through your fingertips…take ONE second and ask yourself how necessary it is. If you still feel the need to press forward…so be it. (At this point, certain things said in MY opinion are now tools for attention to either get an “Amen Corna” or to stand out). After this…whatever.
I don’t get in the way of people’s individual expression. I see shit every day that makes me want to figure out a way to petition companies to check for Chimp genes before letting folks buy a computer. Yea, I said it…I’m convinced that some of these “personalities” are REALLY named Bo-Bo, Cocoa da Chimp, Bubblez’ cousin Sudzie…and that they wear overalls and bow ties every day. *want a banana?* LOL. Seriously, I mostly sip from this cup o’mine and savor the flavor of patience, understanding, compassion and freedom…mine and other’s. I just don’t care what you’re sipping on. If I love you…I’ll offer you some of what I’m drinking. If you say, “no thank you”…I’ll continue to sip and consider saving you some just in case you change your mind.
I also have a gripe with the snooty, haughty, snobbish folks coming in with their “I’m too good for this”. LAWD, it’s enough to make me lose my religion (wait, Iowneeben go to church) …well, make me wanna cuss. The quickest way for ME to snub YOU is for YOU to snub everything. My ex used to hate on my love of FB games. “Why do you play that stuff? Shouldn’t you be reading a paper?” MAN…if you don’t….MAN…don’t make me pop you!!!
I’ve HAD it. I walk lightly through life mostly. Yea, I have my moments when life kicks my ass and I kick it right back. It pulls my hair…I kick it’s shins. “WHAT, Life…DO somefin, FOO!” LOL…but, for the most part…I’m chill. I’m in my own groove, kicked back, chilling off the vibes that flow from friends, fam, and mostly GOD. If I’m some place that is too this or that for me…I find another place to be. Isn’t it just that simple? WHY must folks dampen others’ spirits for things. Why does other people’s unhappiness, insecurities, big-headed egos, etc. have to step on other people’s pinky toes? SOME times…just UNPLUG! ::GASP:: *oh, no she didn’t say dat* YES DAMN YOU…UNPLUG!! Instead of spitting on someone else’s fire with your lofty attitude and basement bullshit…log off. Take a breath. Go meditate. Read the Dictionary. Go watch a movie. Research your name. Play with your/someone’s kid. Call up an elder in your family and say hi. Draw something by hand. Go take a walk and take pics (my fave). Either way…learn to STFU. I sweeear, I still got coupons for that. Giving them out by request. Some…well, you just might win one in the Kween’s lotto. O_O
“Call the ambulance, come and pick up your people / Put they body on the stretcher, carry they ass out ” ~ Busta Rhymes
I have a question for the guys. This isn’t a “male bashing” blog. No, we don’t do that around here. We tell the truth about men and women alike. If it doesn’t apply…don’t apply it. If you can’t use it…don’t buy it.
Now…on to my question. Do some of you “ask” women to be your girlfriend because you really WANT her? Or do you ask her to “hold your seat”? Yea, I said it. LOL
Let me clarify. (Did you think I wouldn’t?)
A guy asks a woman to be his woman. He dotes on her incessantly up UNTIL the point of officially asking her to be his. He’s attentive, understanding, loving, chivalrous, all of that good romantic prelude that some men THINK we require for the courting. Not long after she relents and decides to stop playfully jogging in front of him (you know…for the chase)…it seems like he goes into comfort mode. Though he may still care for her, his idea of quality time dwindles from checking in several times daily and spending time with her with his head laid in her lap…to being inaccessible, “busy” and promising to see her…and failing epically. All of his openness and willingness to confide, turns into secrecy and an inability to consistently be what he was in the beginning. He prefers either the solitude of his own life…or the company of people she’ll never meet.
So, Is this another episode of “The Representative“? Is this another case of a man doing it ALL to obtain and nothing to MAINTAIN? Now, remember my prefaced statement above. This is not a BASH…this is a question of motives and true intent. This is about how sometimes men (even though women do it, too) put their best foot forward and then eventually fall back for one reason or another. I personally, get tired of excusing these things with “he’s busy”, “he’s afraid to commit”, “he’s got a hard time expressing his love”, and things along that nature. If that was the case, then WHAT in the hell was that in the beginning? The too-good-to-be-true displays of affection, commitment and relentless pursuit now a wall of smoke too thick to see through to the other side. Is this a sign that he’s tired? Or too lazy to continue the behavior he began with to keep the woman he longed for so badly once.
How fair is it to tell your woman, “I’m coming”…or “We will spend time soon, baby…I promise” like she’s some thing to be penciled in at your whim? Is it that this kind of dude needs to know she’s waiting, bated breath, moist thighs and twiddled thumbs…for him? Is it the security of making SURE she’s hungry for her man so that he is shielded from his fear of rejection?
Okay, maybe I should’ve said I had questions…plural. Either way, I know a lot of women, including myself…who would pay to know the answers. Was all of that NEED to be with her the need to make sure that no other dude could slide into home? Is that it? Make her think she’s his woman, so that her sex remains molded to his? I’ve seen it. He wants to make sure that no other dude can come along and woo his woman, sex her down, etc…while he decides if she’s really what he wants…or to secure that one person he can go to when he’s in need of emotional, physical, mental, spiritual affection and security. It sounds like that whole “options” thing…where men are given a plethora of choices whilst the women fight amongst themselves for the slim pickings? I don’t know…I’m just trying to make sense of it all. MAYBE, he’s the guy who in spite of finding someone he’s in love with…has a complex about sharing too much of himself and retracts into his own space to keep from giving too much away. Maybe, he’s just private and not used to being in a relationship where he’s expected to go beyond his own comfort zone. Who knows?!
I just want to know…is it LOVE or is it LOCK DOWN???