Bear with the randomness of this. I’m just spitting out unrelated sentences using the word afraid.
“I’m afraid there is bad news…”
“Don’t be afraid…”
“You’re just afraid to love…”
“They all were afraid that she was slowly unraveling…”
“Afraid of what? Afraid of who? I’m afraid of no one” she could be heard protesting at the top of her lungs.
“A F R A I D…My nerves are A-FRAYED” lol
“If you spend your life being afraid of love, life…LIVING…you’ll always be a shell of yourself.”
“I’m not afraid anymore…” he muttered…his last words, a release of his hold on what was no longer his to have…life.
Okay, I’m finished. lol 😛
“God, just let me stand up. I want to say something so badly. I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear. I have so much to say. I want to sing, too. I want to speak and say the words…I think. I’m not sure if I want to…or if I think I’m SUPPOSED to want to. I sit here, hands clasped, feet planted, eyes affixed to the podium and I WANT to stand. My mind runs rapidly like beating waterfalls on rock…the ideas, thoughts, stories…all deserve a voice…but, why must it be mine? Why is it that I can’t just think it and it BE…write it and it be ENOUGH? If I could stand…walk over to the microphone and say everything I’ve ever wanted to say in front of a crowd of people…I might be okay. I’d tell the church how much my grandmother meant to me. I’d read my favorite poem. I’d sing that song at that family reunion. I’d tell everyone my favorite memory of my cousin. Alas…I can’t stand the thought of standing. I’m struck down by this fear…this unnatural fear to speak in public. God, why can’t it be easy to STAND??”
Well, I already buried my grandmother…and even though the little grand-baby in me doesn’t want to face it, there is a strong possibility that in the future I will say goodbye to another.
I don’t want to have to bury either of parents…but, such is the cycle of life that we’re supposed to bury our parents…I fear this with every ounce of me.
I can’t imagine being parent-less. I can’t imagine talking to doctors and making life-changing decisions concerning my mother or father. I don’t want to arrange a funeral/memorial. I don’t want to look down at their “earth suits” and have to remember them instead of HAVE them.
I don’t want to bury not NARE ‘nother family member or friend!
YES…YES, I GET IT! I knoooow! I KNOOOW!!!!! I know that’s not realistic. ::pause for a sob::
Shit happens. Life ends. I just can’t lose another person right now or no time soon. I know it’s selfish, but I’d rather it be me than anyone I cherish. I’m not saying my life is less important…but, everyone I know has a child or a dependent of some kind…they’re needed. I am childless and though I know my family and friends love me…need me, even…my logic is that they’ll miss me, but not as much as the most significant people in their lives…like their babies. Their mates.
I know, the logic is screwy…but, I’m a punk when it comes to this. Maybe this is the grief talking. It’ll be a year on March 2nd, 2011 that my grandmother has been gone. Perhaps if this is asked of me a year from now, my perspective will change and become something frivolous. I’d rather it be something else right now…but, it’s the thing I dread the most.
That’s my truth today…
*tapping finger on chin*
Okay, I got it. I hate that I can be fearful…
I have a tendency to in spite of knowing I encompass the ability to DO something…I stop short before doing it. Like the first time I rode a bike, I knew the concept of balance and pedaling…but, I was afraid to fall, so I stopped short. That resulted in a sore booty and a few chain burns on my leg. Though…once I got back on and tried again…I was a bike-riding fool. Everyone who had a bike (because I didn’t have my own) had to let me ride. “Can I ride it around the park?” …and OFF I went. I couldn’t be stopped.
I can be given a task and immediately I am daunted by it…then I suck it back down, jump in and WING it. I think it’s the perfectionist in me. Trying to in THAT moment to figure out the best way to do it…the most expeditious way to complete it and to do it with a round of applause shortly following presentation. I want others to be as proud of me as I am for having finished. Sue me…I care what people think…to an extent.
I want to squash that fear…but, then maybe I don’t. I mean, I also feel that it’s necessary. With that fear (IMO)…humility is accompanied. I’m not so full of myself that I get over-confident and find myself sucking wind when my supposed GENIUS results in a dud. (We all fall short). I want to be okay with the end result…to not rush it. I want to know that I gave it my all. I want for whoever it was that gave me said task…knows their trust wasn’t misplaced.
So…Yea, that’s something that I “hate” about myself.
That wasn’t so bad…onto the next 29 days. I’m raring to go!!