Who’s Driving?

I’ve heard so many people use the cliche, “Stay in your lane”. So much so, I’ve begun to wonder…does ANY one know where they’re going? Is there a map being utilized and if so…what’s the motivating force behind seeking this destination?

Right now…I’m referring to the two lanes loosely called, “Man” and “Woman”. I say loosely, because nowadays so many men and women trade places. I don’t mean cross-dressing, either. I’m speaking traditional/God-given roles.

My friend posted a video by a man on Youtube to her page. He broke down some of the more important reasons why some Black men and women are having problems. He’s a little on the harsh side with the profanity…but the point is still sharp all the same. You can view that video [men] and [women] and tell me what you think…but, back to my own personal points of view.

I’ve noticed so many excuses are thrown around by BOTH sexes as to why they’re single or stuck in the revolving door of relationships. I’ve heard women say, “He’s intimidated by my intelligence” “He’s upset that I make more money”, etc. Men will often say, “She wanted to be the man” She is too mean, controlling, aggressive, etc.”.  I’m sure there are true examples to support the stereotypical (and invisible) boundaries that keep men and women from finding a common ground on which to unify on. I’ve heard the Women’s Lib movement be blamed (and in a way…it is). I’ve heard the urban legend of Willie Lynch be blamed (read it in spite of the question of it’s authenticity). The bottom line is that many men and women, stuck on hurts, pains and bad experiences from the past…tend to make excuses about why it is they’re single…to REMAIN single. A lot of people fight commitment and instead of admitting the fear of vulnerability, they’ll form “the list” of standards. It’s the list of impossible possibles. If you haven’t been tuned into “What Chilli Wants”…don’t. It’ll make you wanna shake Chilli. (Well, it made ME wanna choke her, lol) Ms. Chilli is unmovable on her list of things she wants in a man. To prove how uncompromising Chilli’s list was…her “matchmaker”, Tionna brought in an “oddsologist” to break down based on all the components required and the demographic of Atlanta…just what the odds were. As I saw the numbers dwindle…I shook my head. I also thought…what is an “oddsologist” and is he licensed to crash dreams? Anyway…I digress. MY point is that from the beginning of watching this show I saw how Chilli and thousands of other Black women do the same thing. They’ve created the perfect man in their heads and a lot of it is due to not being over the one they THOUGHT was perfect and got away. Some of course is residual “fairytale syndrome” from being a child and looking for someone to swoop in and save the day. Men, too…have their dreams of the “Halle Berry’s” and “Vanessa William’s”. Taken by Hollywood and video vixens…wanting the perfect woman in physique, personality and freakiness. Either way…that list of impossible possibles is keeping a lot of people from finding good mates.

I think the reason why women often let some of the “good” men slip by is because a lot of us fear that “thing”. You know…he’s perfect in the beginning, but the moment you let your guard down…he morphs into the guy before him? His mask melts and he becomes the guy on your couch instead of the man in your dreams. A lot of women would LOVE to let their guards down and become the woman in the relationship. A lot of us DO want chivalry to prevail and have a man come in and do what they were purposed to do. Yet, often…we get the frog disguised as a prince and get left with a bad case of warts. No relationship or individual for that matter, is perfect…but, after too many froggies…one quits responding to ribbits while walking past the swamp. I know most of MY friends want the traditional dude. Sistas get tired of grinding all the time and being the “strong one”. We WANT to submit to a man. As one of my sista-friends says,”Proclaim, Provide, Protect”. He proclaims her…meaning, NOT being ashamed to tell the world his love for his woman. (Meaning he’s not hiding the ring/relationship status, etc to keep possible options from remaining options). He’s not going to use a million excuses why he wants to remain “private”. He’s not going to care WHO tries to come between him and her, because he knows that what they have is built on the RIGHT stuff and will survive a petty trespassing. He will provide…in that he will get up every day to procure something to sustain himself and his family. He will be breadwinner, bacon-bringer…and be PROUD about it, because his divine role is being lived. Self-emasculation by way of being a gigolo is NOT allowed. He will protect…because he’ll be the man. PERIOD! She fights no unnecessary battles because he is there to step between her and danger. He protects her, because he won’t allow anyone or anything to be a reason for dissension in their union. He protects her…because when he’s preserving his OWN life…he is doing so with thoughts of her in mind.

YET…because of the day and age we live in we get a lot of flack for wanting that security. Like my sis, Joy said, “We get accused of being gold-diggers” which is unfair to the women who aren’t just out for cash…but know the reality of life. Love can NOT pay the bills (even though real love CAN be an impetus to motivate). So, when a woman states her desire for a man who works, isn’t selfish and has his priorities straight…women get accused of wanting him just for his money. But what do we call the guy who wants a woman who “has her own”? Is he just hiding behind the desire for an independent woman…to get out of being the provider of his family? A lot of guys want it to be “easy” which leads to a lot of men sitting around on their woman’s dollar while adjusting himself. Wow…what a man. O_O

My personal hope for men and women of color…is that we re-learn some key roles. Remembering that men raise men and women raise women, but together…we raise families. That they (us) will remember that a man cannot be a man, while a woman is actively emasculating him and being his crutch, rather than his backbone. If we can remember that ladies…it’s okay to submit to a man (worthy of your submission, of course) and allow him to be the lead. We’d be half way there to love if we remembered that one. I would hope that while riding shotgun to your king…you’d be paying attention to all the road signs so that when he gets lost, you can remind him where you were going. On the same note…men, I would hope that when your “kween” points out to you something amidst…that you don’t shrug her off and remember she’s on this ride with you and you’re not alone…that her opinions, needs, and observations matter. *dangling keys* Who’s Driving? 

~Happy Trails~