Not you, Yes you…

passive aggressive

 

The Internet is a wonderful place for finding new and different ways to express yourself. Whether it’s social media based on pics, or blogs, or video…you can find just about anything in the right place for the right reason.

All day, everyday, Americans and the industrialized world over, communicate via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, YouTube, etc…giving their followers a piece of their mind, heart and soul. For some, it’s artistry in some form, for others it’s just a way to release…and that is where my topic today lies.

So often on social media we see “subliminal tweets”, “vague statuses” and “general memes” used to convey hurt or “salty” feelings about what bothers us. This can be therapeutic and in some cases it can be detrimental.

Why detrimental? Glad you asked 🙂

Mostly it’s because when you begin the habit of sharing your vague and what sums up to be passive aggressive feelings, you’re not addressing the issues. You’re just sharing your gripe passively, with the hopes [or understanding] that people who follow you will see and either cosign your point, or ask you what’s wrong.

Translation: Attention!!

There’s nothing wrong with asking a question or bringing up a topic and wanting a consensus from your friends. I asked a question just last night on my Facebook page. It’s totally fine to share yourself with your friends and be transparent and relate-able. That’s some of the point of being online with millions…maybe even billions of other people. The melting pot of thoughts and experiences, bringing you all together under the pretense of socializing.

Yet, I wonder if we’re not ruining our interpersonal communication with those around us. If we never confront anything head on, only writing it subliminally and not directly, do we risk the chance of alienating our loved ones? What happens if your friend gets on your last frayed nerve and instead of saying exactly that TO your friend, you tweet it…or status it, or create a meme. Now, it can seem if you’re making fun of your friend. They feel potentially betrayed by the idea of you going to the masses and allowing people who have NO clue what each side is fairly…to side with you or disrespect your friend anonymously.

…but, don’t we all at some point wonder? When we see a status about something, and we take into account who are friend is and who we are to them, don’t we take the risk that they will intuit we’re speaking about them and then reassess the friendship?

Don’t let them do what YOU’VE done…which is then in turn, post about the kinda sorta argument you’re maybe NOT having…and then you have hurt feelings swirling about, landing nowhere but in the ether[net] to fall on the heads of those who may see themselves in your rant.

Are we removing the connectivity to HUMANS in order to connect online? How do we find our way back to organic relations where feelings are discussed and dealt with, rather than allowing assumptions and hidden resentments take over and create tension.

Especially if there are no actions to back up those feelings. People will be angry at each other, feel some kinda way and yet, won’t delete the person…and so when they begin talking again, all is forgotten until the next infraction.

I just hope we’ll get over this stage of social media miscommunication where people are writing and disclosing hurtful things while saying, “Not you…” in person and thinking “Yes you…” in their heads and hearts.

Who has the answers? Sway? Anyone?

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Tired of Strong

why can't I emote?

why can’t I emote?

Speaking with my friends is often cathartic…for who…is relative. A conversation may begin with my complaint of the day, or theirs…or just a meeting of the minds on the topic of the day. Either way, I’m constantly inspired by the dialogue between my girls and me.

One of the topics on the table was the expectations cast on women from the time they’re able to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  We talked about how we’re taught socially to “be nice”, “act like a lady”, and not to be loud or too expressive. Read: Don’t be too emotional.

This has always bothered me as a double standard, but for some reason…right here in this moment of my life, it’s down right insulting and I’m exhausted by it. I refuse to allow anyone, male or female to negotiate the hostage-taking of my emotions, the right to express myself and my right to my needs being taken care of.

We’re taught to be compassionate and loving. We’re given dolls and miniature versions of our mother’s day to day tools. Mini kitchens, babies, clothes, dishes, food…all packaged as pink, girly accessories for a little girl’s fantasy life. We’re taught to play quietly in the corner while honing the skills we’ll one day use for our husbands and children. The same is shoved down the throats of young boys, no matter their desire for other ways to express themselves. They’re given cars, action figures and some of the best Lego parts, *lol* so that they can hone their skills to navigate, build and be in motion. Us girls are taught to stay planted at the homestead and make sure that everything is perfect for our mate’s return home.

This is sickening…it’s sexist and it’s a direct insult to the many children who have “unpopular” needs and desires.

I digress…What brought about the overall topic of women and their place, was an article on Gas-Lighting as a form of emotional abuse. How we women are taught as little girls to undermine our memories, needs and issues with the world, with the subtle manipulation of our need to be approved of and accepted.

We’re taught that the simple act of reminding your spouse to do a household chore equates to nagging. We’re told that our expression of emotion is a torturous, agonizing, and a somewhat punishing kind of chiding that is the root of all relationship issues.

We’re taught that our jobs, careers and hobbies are fleeting wanderlust and not beneficial to our relationships.

“You can’t keep a man, nagging all of the time…”
“You have to bring a man peace of mind…learn to shut up”
“You can’t be TOO independent…”

…what about OUR peace of mind? Are we so caught up with the idea of being in a union that we’ll forgo our own voided needs and feelings of discontent to keep a man from leaving us…or God forbid, keep him from hating us. We’re led down the path of inflicting misogynistic ideals onto ourselves. Something like, how slaves no longer needed chains once they’d begun teaching themselves the fears of being caught. We women teach ourselves how unworthy we are until we’re a wife, a mother or a complete master at what we do.

We are taught that not only do we have to be seen and not heard, but we’re also taught that we have to be strong about it. No tears…no weak displays that will just add to the stress of our mate. We have to buck up and take every hit like we’re bullet proof. We’re not allowed to be delicate, weak and in need of love and provision, lest we be needy, clingy and gold-diggers.  Everything we do to the chagrin of the man in this society has a name. We can’t be sexual beings…lest we be whores. We can’t be assertive, lest we be bitches. We’re made to feel as if emotions are poisonous and a detriment to our marketability.

What I found interesting (and brought up to my sister friend) was how we’re pigeon-holed as the emotional “unstable creatures”, while men have started wars over the love of a woman and hurt egos. How when we were kids, boys pulled my hair and pushed me down to show their interest. Don’t let them get rejected! In comes the hurling of insults like bricks. “Bitch”, “Fat bitch”, “Whore”…tell me I’m wrong! I’ve seen hurt men become irreparably damaged by a broken heart, dragging every woman he dates  thereafter, down a path of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I’ve been in relationships where my love was neglected because he “never wanted to make the same mistake again”, yet he craved the intimacy of MY love and dedication. Oh, but women are the emotional whores…

One of the other things we discussed was how we end up wondering are we “too much”. Are we dramatic, extra, over-emoting beings who are incapable of controlling our feelings. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are extremes to every dynamic. Just as there are men who self-destruct when hurt, we have women who become dramatic attention whores to compensate for missing love and abandonment issues. These people DO exist, but we’re talking about an overall expectation on women, no matter her demeanor or personality, that casts us in the role of the psycho girlfriend who has the NERVE to ask for love. Wow…who does she think she is? O_O

Anyway, I hadn’t written a blog in a while and I decided to come here and lay some feelings down. I’m hoping that this little entry can somewhat give another woman a sense that she’s understood and not alone. It’s okay to be tired of strong.

F.A.T: Fat And Taunted

Image

I went to bed with this on my mind and the moment I woke up and saw pics from last night’s Oscars…it hit me again.

Last night I saw something so ugly, that I had no choice but to unfollow and block them. A guy who I’d been following on Instagram, was so mean that it was either cuss him beyond his own comprehension…or leave…I left.

He said that Gabby Sidibe didn’t deserve to be on stage (or seen for that matter) and that she should have someone accept her award FOR her because she was like the auntie we all were too embarrassed to have around…well, I was embarrassed to have HIM around. I was angry at myself for not unfollowing sooner. He posts inflammatory things daily and I just scrolled on by because I felt that maybe his good posts outweighed *no pun* his bad. Not so. I tried to deal because he was an acquaintance of a family member, and I was trying to accept him for who he was, but this was too much…even for me. I’m as big as her and I knew if he felt that way about her…he feels the same about ME. It took everything in me to “choose my battle”…to walk away without a word or to “tell him about himself”. I decided that, perhaps he didn’t require awareness unto himself. Maybe he was fine with the way he sees fat people. they’re disgusting and unworthy of applaud for just being a human…being.

He said she didn’t “have the body” for that dress and I thought, ‘she has HER body’ ~sigh~ I just know I don’t have to deal with it. I don’t have to suffer quietly so people won’t think I’m sensitive or “guilty” of the similar crime of being overweight. I refuse to stand by and watch people throw shade on overweight people. Your slim frame doesn’t mean you get to clown everyone heavier than you. I see your “hot mess” and your funny memes and guess what? IT’S NOT FUNNY!

Your trigger is your trigger. I don’t believe that just because I’m your “friend” here that you’re not “talking about ME”…but, you are. The same way if you were non-Black and cracked a joke about Black people, is the same reception you’re going to get when I see you ROFL at some fat person’s dilemma. I’m over people’s hatefulness. I’m DONE with people pretending it’s okay to say mean things and disguise it as TRUTH. Your truth isn’t mine and it DAMN sure doesn’t get to define the lines of respect that I have in place for me.

People are fighting for rights in foreign countries, people are mad at the war on Black youth, people are mad at the discrimination of the LGBT community…well I’m mad and am fighting for the right to be accepted as a fat person who has the inalienable right to be who I am without your judging eyes and unsolicited diet advice and your disrespectful snickers. You can’t work on SHIT of significance until you address the simple shit…like loving yourself…and the person beside you. Quit acting like if it ain’t serving your purpose and cause, then it’s not important. Peace is PEACE…not just the kind YOU wish to acquire.

Peace out…Kween-Sized Keys.

Oh…by the by…I thought Gabby looked gorgeous! 🙂

Do You See What I See?

side eye

I’m constantly observing…

To some, that is a good thing…to others, well…who cares? They can suck it.

What today’s observations have brought to my attention, are the amazing talent some people have for creating a bigger than life persona for themselves. I watch people who claim busyness…but are ever present on the Internet. I see people who barely show their faces, blaming their lack of image display on “stalkers” or “haters”. I even see people who claim themselves to be genius intellects who challenge group thinking, but don’t even see how badly they CLEARLY need the attention of the group around them.

Then there are these standards. I see a post on tumblr and the succession of events goes as follows: See beautiful girl (Insert GIF of happiness), She plays video games (insert GIF of extreme happiness).

Why is it that the “perfect” girl is the one who takes up and loves all of what men’s favorite activities? DISCLAIMER: This is not to say that women cannot love sports, video games and cars. I am stating that they should be able to do so without it being considered a “cool criteria” for the make up of the perfect mate.

A woman should be able to love tinkering with cars or playing football or kicking ass on the XBox, with OUT it being a source of cool points. Do women require a man to be a good shopper? To enjoy mani/pedis? To want to watch cooking shows all day? I mean, those ARE “women’s” activities…

It’s chauvinistic isn’t it? To make someone’s worth as a mate about whether they can participate in someone’s particular hobby. I believe that there will be plenty of things you don’t want to do together. I wouldn’t mind having a husband who loved football. While we might have mostly the same common interests…I’m sure we could survive if I decided to make his friends snacks, leave and go hang with my friends and return after the chaos has calmed. You don’t have to do EVERY thing together, and therefore you shouldn’t need for someone to love what you do for them to be perfect for you. You never know…you could love to play video games together, but hate each other’s families and friends. Which is more important?

Between the delusional people, the selfish people, the stereotyping of people…and supposed smart people who make dumb declarations it’s…

“Just another day…living in the hood…just another day around the way… ~ Queen Latifah “Just Another Day”

Obligatory End of Year Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Wow…2013 was an interesting year. A lot has happened. I wish I could give a month by month blow…but my memory ain’t so good anymore. lol I’ll just do my best to think of the things that stuck out the most.

I turned 40!!! I had a sweet close-knit gathering with my best girls (some were missing and MISSED). In the thick of it, my BFF Joy and I met the newest addition to our circle, Ms. Tina. We had a great time…even though I feel the weekend was MIGHTY short. I could’ve been the belle of the ball for at LEAST a week more 😀

It was also the month I suffered a meniscus injury…so, I was hobbling at the birthday event. Nonetheless…I had a wonderful time.

I spent a lot of time honing my graphics design company, FFK (Fancy Face Kreations) and building a customer base. I’m STILL doing that. It ain’t easy…but, I love it.

A family member who’d been fighting cancer, got a clean bill of health after a VERY close call. God is GOOD.

…and even though later this year, I lost a different family member to cancer…God is STILL good. He was a wonderful person and his legacy is a worthy one.

I went to my first outdoor concert with Joy. Lianne La Havas! I swear, I’ve never had so much fun while standing for 6 hours!! There couldn’t have been a more fit person to share that experience with. Joy and I both share a wonderful love of music…and Lianne brought a cool memory we’ll both remember. I spent the weekend in Harlem for once (Joy normally camps here on select weekends) and it was nice to be her guest! 🙂

I also got to watch one of my kiddies get married. I sat Catrina as a baby and to see this young woman walk the aisle into her love’s arms was a beautiful gift. Born 3 months early, my preemie baby girl has flourished into a sweet young woman whose life is touched with golden things. I was so giddy over that. I also felt OLD. I had to remind myself that I was given her as a responsibility at the age of 13…so, yea. lol

Even though, between enduring some tense moments with a couple of house guests and some unexpected and mind-blowing drama from someone I thought to be a friend…I managed to remain in the presence of mind I’m in. Blessed. Loved. Purposed for something all mine and happy to be a part of God’s plan.

With life and death, ends and beginnings…friends coming and going…life continues to tick forward. Every second is another second past the old. Every day is a new chance to see life differently than the day before.

I spent this Christmas alone…and it wasn’t all that bad (If you don’t count the burn in the palm of my hand from grabbing a searing hot pan from the oven, sans mitt O_O). I made myself a Christmas dinner of lamb chops, apple cider-ginger glazed carrots and spinach-artichoke in puff pastry. I drank Moscato and enjoyed holiday-themed movies…as I fawned over the many friends and family who DID get to spend that day with someone.

I’ll be alone for New Year’s Eve and I’m okay with that, too. I try not to put TOO much stock in the need to celebrate specific days for life. Every day is a New Year for us who can say we saw that day the year before. Every day is Christmas if you’re glorifying the Savior’s life. Every day is Valentine’s Day if you appreciate your mate…and so forth.

I can reflect with the rest of you, but every day I open my eyes is a new day…a year to the date of awakening. I pray that I get some things right. I pray that my purpose continues to evolve and grow into something that can create MY legacy. I pray that AMAZING things come my way as old and stale things go away.

I wish that for you all, too.

Again…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Dee and I in June of 2012

Hola, Scopers! I came to share something very close to my heart with you. It’s been a moment since I’ve laid anything bare for you all…so, here I am…blogging in the hopes that you all are reading and in the mind and spirit of reception.

I met my friend DeAnna last year in Boston, MA. She’d been “chasing” Phil Perry for a minute and when she knew he’d be in Boston at a Doubletree hotel’s lounge…she jumped at the chance to go. It was also a chance for us to meet. So, I hopped a train and met her there.  We enjoyed a weekend of getting to know each other [all over again] because though we were seeing each other in the flesh for the first time…we’d been friends for years through the internet.

From the moment I became acquainted with Dee or “Deedles” to her close circle of friends…she’s been one of my closest confidantes. She’s also always been a dialysis patient for the entirety of our friendship. In the time since I’ve known her, she’s been embattled with the task of fighting for her life. Surgeries, treatments, weight loss requirements., traveling to doctors AND holding down two jobs (now, one)…has been her daily struggle.

It actually seems as though her battle has only gotten ROUGHER within the last year.  She lost her father suddenly and has had several surgeries. You can read her blog “Sunsets, Streams and Afrosheen”  and see some very raw and uncut photos and details of her sickness.

Doing THIS for her…THIS meaning, this campaign to help offset some of the costs of her medical expenses…was a no-brainer. She’s my friend…my sistar…and someone who I’ve prayed for and worried over like family. I can’t even imagine the pain she’s going through, but I know that as her friend it’s painful to watch her struggle as a single mother, a kidney patient and a woman dealing with her own personal grief.

I know times are hard friends…I really do, I’m roughing it as well, but what I am asking is something I hardly ever do for anyone, including myself…which is bare my soul’s need to the public. Whether it’s $1, $5 or $10…or if it’s a gift of more…I ask that you consider giving to DeAnna’s cause. All of the expenses she’s incurred in just the last YEAR since finding a hospital in Chicago (she lives in Springfield, Illinois) has been astronomical for what it is she’s bringing home. She has a long way to go…a few more surgeries and lots of traveling to ready her for the point at which she can receive a kidney. (She was accepted to the National Kidney Transplant List!). We’ve received a few donations from some very giving and beautiful souls…but we have 102 days to reach her goal. I think 3+ months is enough time to get us at least HALF way to the goal. What do you think? Yes? 🙂

Click on the link to the donation site (it’s on the top left of this page, but because of how my blog is set up *lol* …I’ll post the link ————> here)

I want to thank you in advance, bless you always and love you much!!

Thank you,

Kiwi ❤

Word 31: Life

Day 31, the last day of the challenge…was dedicated to whatever word each blogger felt like using. I chose the word “life”.

Before I get into my word…I’d like to thank those who participated. Mahogany Dymond, who requested this challenge, I hope you got out of this what you hoped for. No Labels Unleashed…thank you for giving your all. Lamont Clark did not finish and we had another participant who though she didn’t have a blog, did so on her Facebook page.

Thanks again…hopefully, we’ll have another soon and try again to be unique, expressive and honest. Onto my word…

Life is beginning, and ending and beginning in the middle. Life is cycling…forward, upward and toward destinies and purposes. Life is slipping away from and skipping right up to us every single day. Life is here…and either we’re living it…or we’re missing it.

Word 30: Simple

Simple…

As I prepare myself mentally for yet another funeral on Friday…I approach this word “simple” with a very complicated and heavy heart.

with every thing within
we fight simplicity
like walking
against hard winds
we embark
on journeys
taking on storms
armed with warnings
we expose ourselves to harm
we often choose
the more difficult loves
we recoil from
the more loving touch
why
do we avoid
simple apologies…
simple solutions…
simple joy?
why do we welcome pain,
struggle and doubt
when simple lines
could be drawn
to easier roads
and quicker routes

simple things
in the hands of simple minds
become complicated things
in complicated times

Word 29: Car

Car…**I am aware that the pic is crazy as hell, but that’s how I’m feeling right now #djm lol*

Why when trying to find something to write about, the movie “Vanishing” came to mind. The one w/Keifer Sutherland, Sandra Bullock and crazy ass Jeff Bridges? I thought of how he spent an inordinate amount of his life, looking for his woman…replaying her last visit to their car over and over.

Then I thought of “Adam”…and how the real life story was played out on TV…the little boy who never came home…and how his parents left their car in the lot with a blanket and toys JUST in case he returned.

I thought of how many people get kidnapped from cars, jacked from cars…goodness. I must be in the mind of loss right now. I’ll quit typing.

Later.

Word 28: Shoes

Shoes…

I think of this word as less noun and more proverbially. So often I find people questioning the lives of those they see…people whose shoes they’d kill to walk in.

I”ve seen a pair of BAD ass shoes and even if I thought they were stylish and something I’d wear if I could, I’m aware that I can’t walk in heels over 2 1/2″. I can LIKE someone else’s shoes…covet them, even…but, if given an opportunity…could I successfully walk in them? I’d most likely fall and bust my ass.

We see people’s lives and ask, “I wish I was him/her…” but whatever it took for them to get their shoes…you don’t know. They could have worked EXTREMELY hard to get their shoes…or they could have been handed them as a gift…OR it could have been obtained in an ill-gotten manner. Stolen…cheated.

My shoes are mine, broken in by me, fitting my understanding, You may not fit mine and I may not fit yours. We could wear the same size and still not be comfortable in each other’s shoes.

I like my shoes. I think I’ll keep the ones I’m wearing. Someone else might have Athlete’s foot or something. lol