Today, I lost my friend. I lost someone who means a lot to me. More than a lot…something like a huge piece of me. Do I think I’ll ever get it back? I don’t know. All I know is that I reacted to my hurt in ways I am not proud of. I guess, when I realized that it was gone…my heart broke. Kind of like an explosion where shards of glass scattered to the winds. Some hit him…some hit the ground…others are still airborne and yet to fall to the ground. All I know, is the person who I awoke to every morning and went to sleep to every night…is gone.
Perhaps, this will fuel poetry. Maybe a song or two will spill from my heart only for the melody to fade afterwards. (that happens a lot) I may pour my hurt into my book and make it do what it do and be what I’ve been destined to be. What he believed I could be as well. I will make my dreams come true…step out of the shell (which he pried open and held long enough for me to step out of) and walk into the future.
If he reads this, I want to say…I’m sorry. Sorry that you feel your dreams cannot be made manifest with me riding shotgun. I’m sorry that you felt hurt ever…whether at my hands or anyone else’s. I’m sorry that I allowed the hurt I felt to change us. I’m sorry that you never felt you could be rawly emotional and open with me. I’m even sorry if in reading this you’re upset that I’m blogging on a personal level…but, hey. You brought me out of my shell, man. You created this monster. LOL
I also want him to know…that you were loved. Are loved. Are seen. Are worthy. Are beautiful. Are talented. Are special. That you’re always gonna be a part of me. Through my tears as I type, I still love you. And even when I’ve fully faded from your picture…I hope you will still keep pieces of me close. I wish you the best in life…never be afraid to reach out to me. God bless you, baby. I love you Papa Pea.