The Elephant In The Room

I’m walking out of Dunkin Donuts…coffee in hand…

I see a brotha in the corner on the phone…eyeing the slim chick walking toward the counter. I spy him…he ogles her…he doesn’t see me. I giggle and shake my head.

That woman didn’t see him anymore than he saw me…and in my head I’m thinking, “Damn shame.”

Why? Well it’s because I see it all of the time. Some scruffy looking dude is all up in some thin chick’s mug and she’s paying him no mind…and a big woman [such as myself] sees him and he doesn’t see her.

Mind you, I’m simply an observer. I see a lot…I won’t say everything, but I do catch a lot that people don’t. That often gets labeled as me being overly analyzing..but, that’s not it. I just catch the damnedest shit. This is no different.

Recently, it’s been very obvious to me about the whole weight issue. I’ve got good reason to believe that I’ve been skimmed over a number of times due to my weight. It doesn’t matter how un-sexy, unattractive or equally pudgy a dude is…he gets to choose the slimmer version of me, whilst my pickings are slim…no pun intended. It’s kind of what my sister Joy was asking on a Facebook status earlier this morning…

okay, I’m confused about a few things. now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about that out of the box thinking. I’m sure this one has been explained before, but I still don’t get it.

here it goes: why do women have to keep a man?! someone explain this to me. when is the last time you heard someone say, “he can’t keep a woman?!” o_O why is it our sole responsibility to keep this man fed, sexed up, taught, encouraged, entertained, and what not?! mind you, the man is usually the one chasing the woman. so once you catch us we gotta keep you entertained for your troubles? lol OH OKAY! his work is done…he can go sit his ass down..HA! ok. someone..anyone..please help me understand this one.” ~ Humble BE aka Joy

Now, what she said is indirectly linked to what I’m saying. Men aren’t ever truly worried about the prospects of dating. We’re pressed to find ways to “keep a man”. Whether that be, having a slim figure, be an “independent woman whose got her own”, a freak, a chef, a mom, a nurse…you get it. We’ve got to embody EVERY thing that man may want in order to keep HIM…even if he’s lacking in several of these departments  himself. Why should he though? A lot of women are so desperate to be a part of a couple that they’ll shoulder that responsibility AND the blame that comes with it failing. Men have it easier in the dating department. Period.

That thin chick didn’t see that dude in DD…but, does he really care? I mean, chances are…that he’ll have 8 more options…and half will consider him. He can do this all day. Meet several women, try his hand, fail and have 8 more options…that’s the way it is. Imagine the plight of the “big girl”.  If the average woman is in a line up of 9 women…and has a 1 in 9 chance of snagging a dude, consider the statistics of a woman carrying some extra rolls and the stigma that comes along with it.

How you gone like pears and troll for apples? Shoot for the moon, mofo!

I’ve seen the topic debated numerous times…how being big is unhealthy and how one has to be attracted to the outside as well as the inside. I’m so sick of it. Honestly, in this life if someone gives you love from the bottom of their hearts you’d be BLESSED to be on the receiving end. People want perfection and instant gratification and it’s selfish. Period! Relationships are a journey of growing and understanding each other…loving in spite of flaws and short-comings. All of those conditions are what keep relationships failing.

Yet, it’s the preliminaries…it’s the visual that leads the way. It’s sad that in this society a sub par man with “okay” aesthetics is going to bide his time with the big girl until the slim one comes along to fulfill his ultimate desires, all while making him look good as his arm candy. A man is going to dream of Jeannie and settle for Endora until Jeannie blinks in his direction. Well, the big girl has feelings too…she doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice. Why does she get to inherit a man’s issues with superficiality, when she deserves to be seen at the core for what she is? I can respect a man or woman’s preference to be with whomever they want…but, when you’re not hitting on shit and you settle at what YOU believe is the bottom of the pile, I lose respect. People saying how they want someone with substance, someone who can see them for exactly who they are, but they’re looking at the other person’s frame as a  deal-breaker before they even get to know if this person is everything they HAVEN’T dreamed of. As a matter of fact…they may miss out on what GOD has presented them with. I for one am not losing weight so I can say I have someone. The one for me is going to see past the weight and love Kali.

I desire for a man to look me in my eye…into my soul…and see who I am. Why should I be thrown up against a wall, weighed and measured…before someone decides that I’m worthy of his time? Someone whose soul is probably more unattractive than my supposed overweight body…gets to determine my worth? Oh, no you don’t. I’m a whole lotta woman…more so because of my attributes and heart. My body is secondary to my inner person. God made me and everyday I do my very best to treat people the way He would want me to. I embrace folks regardless of what thing sits on the surface. Who is to say that your love can’t be the impetus for someone’s life change. Who knows what would happen if a person were to be 100% embraced by love? One might inspire someone to hit the treadmill on the highest setting!

Remember THIS though…

ANYTHING can happen. The judgment you cast upon someone else can be the very condition you incur. I once knew someone who looked down on a domestic situation I had in my 20’s. One day, I looked up and her then situation wasn’t much different. I’d triumphed over mine…I wonder where she is? I pray not in the same place.

We have a right to want what we want…I’d just hope that while wanting what you want…you reflect your desires. Be what you want…otherwise, you’re just another fool batting out of your league.

*chick walked right past his ass, too* LOL

Yea…Okay..Ah huh…SHUT UP!

FUCK if this isn’t getting harder with each passing day. We’ve got 10 more days in this challenge…and DAMNIT, I’m gonna make it interesting if it kills me….well, not really. lol

As we speak, I’m sitting here with EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) on my mane…b/c it was dry enough to spark and heat the block. I’m beautifying for tomorrow’s hang out/birthday dinner with my girl Ce…um, Curvy Queen. LOL (she hates when her real name is on the net). I was supposed to relax it, but I didn’t feel like burning tonight. I do it about every 6mos or so…and honestly, I’m getting tired of it. If I could afford it…I’d just let the Dominican chica up the block wash and set me for $20 every two weeks.

While trying to think of a blog topic…I came up with several things that I’ve heard pass my ears in the past few days. Couldn’t settle on one so I’mma hit you with a summarized paragraph of each topic:


As I was standing in line at the Stop-N-Shop today, I saw at least 3 Rag Mags that had celebrities caught out there. Cheating discriminates against no one. Rich and poor, people lie and cheat on their mates. Folks divorcing and separating over extraneous affairs. I remember once on Myspace…a question was asked in a forum about why folks cheat and the answer for me comes down to 1 of 3 main factors. 1) Greed. People want to do what they want to sate their physical desires without consequence. Unfortunately, there are always consequences. 2) Fear. This can be a sub-factor in greed. You ever see a child eat a good plate of food who hasn’t been fed in days? They eat past their satisfaction…because they feel like they’ll never get any more. If a person is starved for their mates affection, acknowledgement and/or love…they will devour what’s put before them.  Fear can range from commitment phobes, to fear of failure, to fear of abandonment, etc.  3) Confidence. Some people need to know that they’re the shit. That they have what it takes to make someone submit to their whim. Notches on the belt/bed post…blah blah blah. Someone who is to cocky too even give a damn about what loyalty entails or means. Perhaps it is also an inner lack of confidence that inspires the need for outside validation by the opposite (or same) sex.


A friend of mine mentioned that a woman who is celibate still gives head. For some reason this got to me. Straight up? Quit trying to separate penetration and oral sex. Sex is basically a physical act that takes place between two people, with pleasure as the result. If you received/gave pleasure…your ass had SEX! Someone’s babies got released or swallowed? SEX! What makes me wonder…is if women and men (but mostly women) who claim celibacy, but perform oral sex refrain from the penetration aspect for the purpose of control. In my opinion, the purpose of celibacy is to maintain physical chastity for spiritual purposes or to wait for their intended spouse. Along the way, ethics, morals, standards, boundaries are established to adhere to those spiritual beliefs. If you’re abstaining for the sake of respect or chastity…then why give head? If someone is going to love you for you, respect your ideals and choice to abstain…how will they do so if you use oral sex to subdue their desires for the sake of prolonging the relationship? Or even worse, for sake of good ole mind-fucking, because believe you me…if you’re participating in sex talk and then oral, but continuing to pledge celibacy while asking for respect, I tend to think you’re manipulating to get what you want, while putting up a facade. That’s just me…maybe I’m wrong and just a Ms. Know-it-All. LOL

Also…abstinence and celibacy are two different things. Abstinence is a choice to refrain. There are no hidden ethics or religious/spiritual reasons. You may just not want to screw right now. Celibacy is like I said, for a purpose. Meaning there is motivation towards a more enlightened path. If you break abstinence…you’re just getting some. If you break celibacy (for the wrong reasons) …guilt or feelings of “backsliding” may be a residual emotion after the fact. (c) Conscience or regret.

Fat Folks:


It’s entirely TOO much to keep hearing on a daily basis through commercials, music, movies, TV, radio…how fat seemingly equates to unattractive. FUCK YOU! I’ve got a belly, I’ve got fat arms and fat thighs and I have back fat. Do people THINK that overweight people sit around and PLAN to blow the fuck up? NO. We DON’T! I beat myself up from time to time for some random reason, but then I remember…who is perfect? Even someone with a banging body can’t possibly behold the answer to the code for the Pearly Gates. Even slim folks get moments of insecurity from time to time. We’re all flawed. Some of us have distorted frames, some distorted hearts and minds. In the fitting room earlier, I saw my stomach and got mad at myself…and then I smiled and said, “It’s mine”. It’s my life, my temple…and I’ve been doing a good job moving/exercising and losing weight slowly. I’m doing it because I want to be healthier. Screw the way the world views me or the fears that some dude is gonna bypass me because I’m heavy and not thin. MY king, will recognize me and love ALL the fluff I’ve got. Period. In the meantime…I’m loving my gut, my arms, my back and the ass that never was. Small minded folks…kiss my back!

AND…..I’m TIDE! (yea, I said it) LOL

Good night!