…a day you’d rather forget
That’s easy…March 2nd, 2010.
My grandmother passed away…
She’d had two back to back heart attacks one early Saturday morning…and never recovered. She was 81. I was heart broken.
I woke up that Tuesday morning…and instead of readying for work, a sense of doom fell over me and I sat on the side of my bed in a trance. My heart knew what my mind didn’t want to face…today wasn’t going to be a good day for her.
My sister called me and said that my father had summoned us to the hospital…that it didn’t look good. I already knew that. I got dressed and we went to Mt. Vernon Hospital.
She’d died just moments before we got there.
I went to her bedside and hugged her and cried the hardest wail I’ve ever cried. Her body was there. The machines were moving her chest as if she were breathing. Such cruel necessity.
I was never the same.
Our family was never the same.
I still think my father has lost what small piece of mind that the drugs and alcohol didn’t claim before his sobriety.
We’re a lost clan today…at least on the paternal side.
Yea…that’s all for now.
Well, as I’d written in a previous blog…I lost my paternal grandmother. This blog…I guess, is just a way to say, “I’m okay” and touch base with you all.
This song, debuted itself the night my grandmother died and I tell you…everytime I hear it I am crying by song’s end. Honestly…it’s one of the best songs I’ve heard Fantasia sing. She usually screams through songs…so this softly sung ballad is a refreshing joy.
“First step, take a deep breath…you don’t need a reason why. You can (You can) take, take time…you can (you can) walk…run…dive.”
I’m stepping back into life gingerly. Going to work and functioning. Talking and laughing with people, at shows, singing and smiling with music. Trying to find my way back to poetry and writing. What I DO regret (now that I think of it) is not allowing my grandmother to see the poetic part of me. It never dawned on me to show her. I wasn’t hiding it or anything…but, I never brought that stuff up. We’d talk and laugh and swap stories when I called her…but, I don’t think we ever discussed my love of writing. I hope she can see it now.
The wake and funeral services were beautiful. People of course said beautiful things…but they also said REAL things. Some called my grandmother “bossy” *giggling*…and that she COULD be. Some referred to her as the Queen…which I never knew. Funny that is what people call me now. Her love of her family and community was honored…especially the way she treated everyone like they were important. She’d make you feel so special. Never would she even outwardly display a dislike for you…even if she didn’t. She still showed you respect and concern…she just kept her eye on you. LOL
There was a gathering of a medley of people who loved her. So many felt our loss. I mean, the pastor of the church, rented out the first floor of our family house. After attending church became difficult (because of my great uncle’s care)…her pastor would come upstairs from his own apartment and have private bible studies with her. How special WAS she? *beaming*
Anyway…thanks, Fantasia. There’s a song that evokes the deepest of emotions about my grandmother. From now on…it’ll serve as a trigger to my memories (as if I really need one)…yet, it will bring about a positive sense of coping that I need to get through.