Word 4: Stand

Stand…

“God, just let me stand up. I want to say something so badly. I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear. I have so much to say. I want to sing, too. I want to speak and say the words…I think. I’m not sure if I want to…or if I think I’m  SUPPOSED to want to. I sit here, hands clasped, feet planted, eyes affixed to the podium and I WANT to stand. My mind runs rapidly like beating waterfalls on rock…the ideas, thoughts, stories…all deserve a voice…but, why must it be mine? Why is it that I can’t just think it and it BE…write it and it be ENOUGH? If I could stand…walk over to the microphone and say everything I’ve ever wanted to say in front of a crowd of people…I might be okay. I’d tell the church how much my grandmother meant to me. I’d read my favorite poem. I’d sing that song at that family reunion. I’d tell everyone my favorite memory of my cousin. Alas…I can’t stand the thought of standing. I’m struck down by this fear…this unnatural fear to speak in public. God, why can’t it be easy to STAND??”

The Fourth Day…

I hate this picture. The HELL did I have on?

…a day in high school

High School for me was a crazy declining of my GPA and scholastic aptitude and a speedily incline of emotional turmoil and drama.

I went from bad grades to worse, falling asleep in class incessantly without explanation (now diagnosed as Narcolepsy) and feeling insecure about that, my weight and having to answer to my mom and family for the never school issues. One which was my behavior.

I pretty much left folks alone, because I didn’t like to fight. I’d try and “reason” with folks because I didn’t want to get in trouble and I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of some of the brutal things I’d heard (sliced faces, acid thrown, face stomping). Shit was real in Mt. Vernon. LOL

On THIS particular day…shit was TOTALLY unnecessary. I was sitting in math class…I hated math, so I ALREADY had a damn attitude. This guy who lived in the PJ’s with me, but in a different building was ALWAYS bothering me. Chris…that was his name. He was an ASSHOLE!!

The period he’d pick at me. Say something smart. Push his desk in to mine. We were sitting in a group of four with our desks pushed two facing two. His dumb ass was facing mine. I couldn’t stand this ass. If it wasn’t that he would push my notebook around with is pencil as I wrote. CHILE…I LOST IT!

I jumped up and screamed for him to QUIT FUCKING WITH ME! He laughed. This only made me madder. I chased his monkey ass around the room. He ran behind the teacher’s desk (as she yelled for me to stop). It was catercorner so I pushed this big metal desk into the wall until he had to jump from behind it and over it. I tried to grab him, he was too fast…so, I picked up a desk and hurled it at him. Then the chair. Finally, a hall monitor came in and calmed me down. I got escorted out and sent to my division’s principal. (The school was broken up into Divisions A, B, C and D…can’t remember it there was an E). I was in Division C. My principal liked me. He said, “Kali, why let this knucklehead upset you? Now, we have to call your mother…”

I didn’t care. I swear…I was scared WITLESS and SHITLESS of my mother, but in that moment I felt like FUCK it. His ass is mine. LOL

I go home, inform Mom and she eventually tries to understand my view. She just said she wished I didn’t have such a temper. So the next day, Mom comes to school and the craziest thing happens. She gets to the class and sees this dude and the first thing she asks? “You have a crush on my daughter, don’t you?”

::GASPS:: WHAT THE?? MOOOOOOM NOOOO!! He’s ugh and ewwww mom, NO! LOL

He smiles…

What’chu smiling for fool?

She said, “Mmm hmmm…he likes you Kali. That’s why he bothers you. You don’t even realize it. Boy, leave my daughter alone. She will never like you if you act a fool. Both of you need to get it together. Don’t make me come back here!”

He says, “Yes ma’am”

The class laughs…I’m like -_-

Yea…he didn’t bother me anymore…but, I changed my seat and counted the days to be done with that class.

I know…I stay fighting boys who like me. At least it’s not the story of the guy who hit me in the head with a frozen Snickers on a bus and then I waited to get off so I could cut him with a cracked Pepsi bottle…chasing him down the street. Nah…at least it’s not that story. LOL

Snapshot #4: Low Angle

Photo of: Low Angle

When I walk home from work I pass these flowers everyday. I usually want to take a picture of them, but I’m always concerned that the owner[s] may see me out the window and  wonder what the hell I’m doing near their flowers. I looove flowers and have been known to be a flower thief…mostly as a child. My mother said I was famous for coming home with a handful of flowers from someone’s garden talmbout “Here, Mommy…” with the big kid grin 🙂  LOL

These were so vibrantly orange/red that I felt drawn…so I crossed the street, readying my phone’s camera…and then slid up like an ace detective, snapped it and bounced. I didn’t even look to see if it was “good”…I just put the camera low and snapped. LOL

So there…my low angle.

4~ Prince of Poetry

My Favorite Love song…
Well, if you read my 1st question’s answer…this should come as no surprise. I’ve written a short prose to speak what it means to me…and then took the liberty of highlighting the parts of the song that break me down…every time.
I love this song…
reminds me of the first time…
every time
lyrics so illustrious
descriptive
full of metaphor
extremist expression and intent…
it felt like Prince
wrote this with me in mind
for the day
when my first time
would arrive…
slow lulling melodies
horns
keys of percussion
a deep heartbeat
disguised as drums
a man
professing how in love he is
using poetry
upon notes
and wails of sweet serenade
to display the mere
magnitude 
of his affections
his unwillingness to go away
the truth
that,
he’ll do whatever
to keep forever
my FAVORITE song
of all time…
adore


Until the end of time I'll be there for you
You own my heart and mind - I truly adore you
If God one day struck me blind
Your beauty I'd still see (your beauty I'd still see)
Love's too weak to define - Just what you mean to me
From the first moment I saw you
Ooh, I knew you where the one
That night I had to call you
I was rappin' till the sun came up
Tellin' you just how fine you look
In a word, you were sex
All of my cool attitude you took

My body was next - you made love to me
Like you where afraid Was you afraid of me?
Was I the first? Was I your every fantasy?

That's why
Until the end of time I'll be there for you
You own my heart and mind
I truly adore you
If God one day struck me blind
Your beauty I'd still see
Love's to weak to define
Just what you mean to me
When we be makin' love
I only hear the sounds
Heavenly angels cryin' up above
Tears of joy pourin' down on us
They know we need each other
They know you are my fix
I know, that you know I ain't cheatin' baby
They know this is serious
I ain't funkin' just for kicks, no
This condition I got is crucial, ahh crucial baby
You could say that I'm a terminal case
You could burn up my clothes
Smash up my ride, (well maybe not the ride)
But I got to have your face
All up in the place
I'd like to think that I'm a man with exquisite taste
(I'm a man I'm exquisite)
A hundred percent Italian silk imported Egyptian lace
Nothin' baby, I said nothin' baby could compare
(Nothin could compare) to your lovely face (to your lovely face)
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you this evening?
I'm tryin', tryin' to say
I'm just tryin' to say
That until, until the end of time

I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
You own my heart, own my mind (darling u)
I truly adore you (darlin')
You don't know what you mean to me
Girl, (until the end of time)
Girl, (I'll be there for you)
Girl you, (you own my heart and mind)
'Til the end of time I'll be there for you
(I truly adore you)
Adore you (adore you)
Can I talk to you? {{chorus repeated in background}}
Tell you what you mean to me
Every time you wander
I'll be your eyes so you can see
I wanna show you things
That I show no other, I wanna be
More than, more than your mother
More than your brother
I wanna be (like no) like no other
If you need me, I'll never leave
I know, that you know, without you there is no me
There is no me
Without you there is no sea
There is no shore
Love is to weak to define how much I adore

You, child
You, child
The last words you hear The last words you hear
(Until the end of time)
I'll be there for you, baby

(Until the end of time)
Be with me darlin' til the end of time (until the end of time)
I'll give you my heart - I'll give you my mind
I'll give you my body (until the end of time)
I'll give you my time (until the end of time)
(Until the end of time)
For all time I am with you
You are with me
(Until the end of time)
You are with me, you are with me

Dia Cuatro~ Something I Have To Forgive Someone Else For



*sigh*


I don’t know y’all…this truth thing is getting serious. I don’t know how anyone can do this and not be raw dog honest. Maybe that speaks to who I am as a person (Thank God for His influence)…but, I can’t just say that I’ll tell the truth and then tiddlywink this challenge. So, I inhale and exhale as I form the courage to speak from the heart…


When I was with my ex of 8 1/2yrs…it didn’t take me long to forgive him for the hell he inflicted. He was an addict and having come from an addicted dad…I understood the disease. The forgiveness came from a place of understanding. I understood that he wasn’t lucid. He wasn’t always responsible for his own behavior due to being under the influence.


What’s the excuse for someone seemingly sober? I say seemingly, because I never laid eyes on him. I don’t know if he was an alcoholic or a drug addict or a sex addict or addicted to lie-telling. All I know is that I spent almost 3yrs waiting for him to make a move he never had intentions on making. Sure, he’ll say he did…but, actions are the definition of love…not words. Affection…the act or state of affecting (a verb), influencing, giving a display of emotion. This dude lied about his “love” for me. He lied about the ring he sent, the love he claimed, the time he promised, the life we planned…and guess what? I’m okay with that. I’m over the concept of being is woman, needing his love, expecting his presence.


I’m not quite sure I’ve forgiven him for the senselessness in which his lies were rooted. I always say, “We could’ve remained friends…” but, I know that friends don’t do what he did. Friends don’t pretend to love you and then play you against other women behind your back. Friends don’t DO what they’re doing…and then turn around and TRY to make you feel like it’s your “crazy” mind and not his crazy lies. I’m having a hard time with that one. Knowing what was going on in spite of his denial of such…was my comfort. To have him often accuse me of being “insecure” and “needing tangibility” (um…what the fuck? Yea…dude…you live in Alabama. I live in New York…damn right I want some tangibility. Were we going to get married via phone? Send our specimens to the lab and have test tube babies and mail them to and fro? Live in an e-home, take e-vacations and have e-sex?) was often a slap in my face.


Yea…just thinking about that stuff makes me shake my head. I don’t even hate him. I really don’t. There’s a space of love for him within my heart…right along side other humans I care for. I just wonder how a person could tell such intent and disruptive lies and smile in public like it’s okay. How can you dismantle someone’s heart and without conscience…turn around and try and convince them it’s their own fault? That seems cruel to me…which is something I’ll never wrap my mind around.


I’m almost there…but on a rough day, I feel like kicking the proverbial door in on someone’s life and exposing the truth of what he’s done.


Most days…I’m just fine. EVERY day, I’m better off without him.