~beautiful by kween standards~

My lovely friend…Lamoi aka “Ms. Rubies” listed some of her beautiful places. I promised that I, too would list mine.  In this moment in time…my beautiful moments are few and far between, captured in stills and lyrics. Always in the recesses though…lies beautiful places, things, people…emotions. Here are a few of mine…
In the pic above…is a picture of the Pacific Ocean taken by my friend Chuck while in Cali for a Jets game…it is now my wallpaper…
Hawaii…my dream vacay
My room…when music is playing and I’m singing and swaying…
Both grandma’s houses…those ladies are the best!
The moment in time when his voice made my soul swim in anxious laps…
My backyard…during sunsets, sunrises, the 4th, and days when God’s sky is showing out (my backyard overlooks mountains and a river)

My new job…it’s the beginning of beautiful things…
Any room when my mom, sis and I are laughing and enjoying each other’s company…
The movies…screw bootleg and online…a TRUE movie buff loves the theater experience of the lights dimming, the previews, the credits and ALL…even the price. lol
My book…me knee deep, mind clicking, story churning and coming alive at my finger tips…
In the arms of a precocious, bubbly 2 1/2 yr old. Laughing, playing and him pretending not to get what I’m saying. ::Hi, Syre::

A song…written by him…most likely not meant for me exclusively…yet…it’s still my favorite.
My heart…the most beautiful place of all…

Team Kween

When January 1st, 2010 rolled in on tears and pain…I promised myself that not only would this year be different, but that the rest of my LIFE would be different.
The way I’ve been viewing life, by limitations and expectations is not something I want to do anymore. I’ve been limited by my disability (yes, I have one…I have Severe Narcolepsy), which up until now has been something only a select few know of me.  I’m not one to put my business out there, but this is a part of who I am…and I’m not ashamed. The ignorance that is abound isn’t anything I have control over…but c’est la vie.
I was in a relationship for 2yrs with someone I’d never laid eyes on…and I loved him like he woke up next to me every day…but, because of my limitations (medically and financially) I wasn’t able to visit him. I’d hoped that HE would do that, in understanding my situation…but, I see now so much that I didn’t see before…or maybe what I didn’t want to admit. I now know more than I ever wanted to know about how to measure intentions against actions. I now am left to question if “I love you” was just something he said to me while trying to convince himself in the process. Don’t get me wrong, with all my feelings of frustration, abandonment, neglect and residual anger…I don’t wish him ill. I pray that he finds what he was looking for…because clearly, it wasn’t me. I’m okay with that, too. I just wish he hadn’t taken me for a ride while trying to figure out what he wanted.
I also had connections and friendships with people who were unhealthy in their origin and their purpose. I leaned on a few people through my struggles with the “distant long distance relationship” and I realize that I misplaced a lot of feelings onto them. Making others responsible for making me feel validated, when my ex wasn’t doing that. I’ve learned that relationships are SUPPOSED to be intimate and fulfilling. When you need supplements from other sources, you NEED to check why you’re still in a dysfunctional situation, instead of trying to get others to pinch hit for the person who isn’t hitting on a damn thing. I believe that a friendship or two has fallen victim to my inability to free myself from an agonizing position…not to mention, not understanding when those people (with their own lives and issues) weren’t around when I needed. I still love them, but I also realize that loving someone means allowing them to move on and be happy separate from any pressures that you may be imposing.
I’m also learning to follow my dream of writing and publishing my own book. I’ve been writing for YEARS and I’ve got TONS of ideas and story lines churning about. At this point though…having turned 37, something has to give. I have been writing this novel (and now it’s sequel) for over 3yrs. I’ve been clinging to it like a protective mother…not wanting to let it be embraced by others. Now, it’s time. It’s bittersweet though…there are some folks, who throughout my “penning period” have championed my cause…and I wish they were here to go through this excitement with me. I hope that though things may be strained between us…”they” will be proud of me anyway.
What I learned most…the biggest lesson of all, is that I have GOT to be my own team. I’ve got to do the research, the reading, the legwork, the motivation, the support system…to get this thing rolling. There are my loved ones, who say, “Oh, I’m soo proud of you. I’m happy for you.”…and I know they mean it with the reverberations of the words from their souls. Yet, I also know…that until it’s materialized…for them it’s just a thought trying to be a reality. Very few will offer to read, or donate to my cause…because, well…life happens. Everyone has their own thing going. They can’t afford to hip hip hooray for an “idea”…they’ve been waiting for me to burst forward for years. So no blame…but, I know that it’s a solo ride. One for Team Kween!!

da Royal Blog Award~Regal Excellence

I, Kween have created my very own blog award. This award is dedicated to the “regal excellence” in blogging. I read blogs that have my respect…not just in content, but in passionate writings that are simply hard to resist. Writing for me is an art, so I take into consideration all those wonderful literary qualities. Witty Banter. Class. Literary flow. The loyal readers…but not just for the quantity, but for the like minded crowd they draw, exchanging and debating tactfully. It’s a beautiful thing…a regal thing.
I have a few stipulations…
Name 7 blogs that keep you in awe with it’s originality and class. Inform them of their award in royal style…and fill out the 10 regal things about yourself. And post the award on your blog to show off your accolades. My blogs are…
~anywhere in the rain~ She’s a phenomenal writer with great talent in blogging AND photography…
~Black ‘n Bougie~ I love her wit and her brash opinion…
~CurvyGurl Chronicles~ Absolutely, a literary genius…her words are so inspiring
~Me…being Anonymous~ This lady’s posts make me want to step my prose up. LOVE the way she writes…
~My Twisted Mind~ My little brother in spirit…but, his opinion is as wicked as it is twisted…yet, you learn a new way to see things…
~Black Twitterati~ They praise blog kweens and kings all across the blogosphere…there’s nothing better than being supported…except maybe supporting others. True royalty over there…
~Change One Thing…Change Everything~ A blog by Butterfly Effect…a dear friend of mine. This is deserving because well…I only roll with kweens. Seriously…she’s got a very raw and unique perspective and she’s not afraid to share her world to the bone. That in and of itself is the beauty of a regal blogger…
NOW…answer these 10 regal questions…and spread the love.
  • your kween/king theme (the song that best describes you): ADORE~PRINCE *ha!*
  • your kween/king dream (the thing you’d want to leave as a legacy): LOVE
  • your most kweenly/kingly quality: COMPASSION
  • your dream location: MY OWN ISLAND
  • your kween/king crush: IDRIS ELBA..YUM!!
  • your kween/king’s meal: THE ONE MADE BY MY SOUL MATE FOR MY PALATE ONLY
  • your majesty’s fave day to date (an event): THE DAY I GOT MY RING
  • your highness’ fave color: YELLOW…THE COLOR OF SUNSHINE 😀
  • your kween/king guilty pleasure: REALITY TV
  • your kween/king’s most unusual talent: lol…LETS JUST CALL EM THE THIGHS OF DEATH! LMAO

~In The Clouds~

Here’s a word or two to the not-so-wise. The “wise” don’t NEED a word…so riddle me that. I digress…my apologies.

Marriage…is for the marriage-minded. Need a clue? Well, the marriage-minded are in the state of marriage before they ever enter and say “I do’s”. The ceremony and license are just that…ceremonial. It’s the religious or social declaration of commitment ALREADY present. One day on Twitter, I saw a quote that @RevRunWisdom tweeted. He said, {loosely translated} that if a woman wanted to BE a wife, she had to be one before even being proposed to. To be in the mind state…is the key. So, if you’re considering marriage…yet, you’re still “pitching woo” to others, needing and meeting others of the opposite sex for “friends” and haven’t shed the so-called freedom that so many cling to…you are NOT marriage-minded. Marriage is not for the selfish. It is for those prepared and EAGER to begin a life with someone who they not only can live with…but can’t live…WONT live without. I said the other day…fighting = sacrifice. When you fight for love, you fight for it sacrificing the things you THINK you need for the one thing you KNOW you need. For me, truest freedom is found in a true love where you can be yourself. You don’t have to hide your weaknesses. You don’t have to build yourself up. You are from the nucleus of you…everything you are and aren’t. You are that without apologies when with someone who sees you and loves you…regardless. Marriage-minded people, understand that friends/associates come and go…and that the true ones will support your step towards marriage. They will RESPECT your union and support your union. After all…I don’t think married folks mingle well with single ones. Unless you as a married person have single friends who love you as a unit…there could be drama and circumstances that may leave you in temptation or make you feel the need to “prove” who you are.

Single…is for the single-minded. It’s when you’re okay with being single and are not looking for commitment. It’s also a game that should only be played by the honest. Single people tell other single people, that they don’t want anything more than to date, have sex, or other activities that don’t require being coupled up. Single, is EVEN quite possibly…having an exclusive “partner” but not putting labels or expectations onto the relationship. As any situation grows and changes…the parties involved should be honest about their intentions, change of heart and/or growing attachments. If you’re sleeping with more than one…say that. When you lie to someone about your interactions, you’re robbing them blindly of the choice to invest in you or not. SOME folks are game to do whatever…as long as there is honesty. If someone chooses to walk away, that is their right…but holding on to “prospects” for future marriage/commitment…is selfish and a flagrant violation of their trust.

If you’re not ready to be honest with your partner, put in the time to bring about a unified sense of intimacy, and have no intentions on following through with promises of monogamy, etc…you need to be single. If your thoughts are you first, and your mate AFTER the fact…you need to be single. If you’re loving one person, finessing another, romancing another, making plans to kick it with the next…you need to be single. I have had married people tell me that their mate is their ace. They have LOADS of fun, great sex and good communication. They work together like a Swiss timepiece…ticking in sync, on the moment with accuracy and grace.  Marriage is NOT the end…if you’ve chosen the right mate. One who is compatible to you…who is down to have fun with you and give you the freedom to be true to self. If you’re using past experiences to hesitate towards true vulnerability, trust and communication…you are indeed swinging what is called “baggage”. Work that out before you couple up and start waltzing toward, around, near but never AT the altar. All marriages aren’t good ones, otherwise there would be few to no divorces, but it takes work from two willing participants…committed and unified in the choice to be together for their life’s span. 

Again, honesty is the best policy…and remember…what is done in the dark comes to the light. NEVER be so confident you’re flying under the radar that no one can find out what you’re up to…because {and this is that word to the not-so-wise}…if you’re doing things surreptitiously, dubiously, sneakily, with the hopes of getting away with something…you need not be doing it and need to be SINGLE. Free yourself and be honest…and you could live freely to do what it is you like. Marriage and single hood…is a mind set. Where is your mind at? If it’s in the clouds and you think you’re not noticeable to those around you…remember…while your head may be in the clouds out of sight, your body is still earth bound and bare to the eye. You’re not hiding from anyone but yourself…and that is the saddest part of all.

The Kween’s State

Happy New Year to all of you.  God bless that we were able to meet on the other side of 2009.

I have a lot to do this year. I’ve got to publish my works, get my health together…wait…there I go. Creating resolutions without meaning to. I guess the point is that the new year is like a new day…another chance to do better…the same way we wish for another day to get it right. I won’t make any promises or go extreme for a goal. All I can say is that I am going to try from this point forward to stay productive and be what God has purposed me to be. If that somehow includes, published work, a healthier overall state of self and some fun…so be it.

I confess, I brought 2010 in with tears. I cried for what should’ve been, what needed to be and why in it all…I felt immensely alone. I shouldn’t be, y’all. I am a vibrant, humorous, talented, special woman…who deserved to be in the throes of an all-consuming love. I should’ve been in the middle of the rest of my life…but happy. I’ve gotten some really good advice…people who have reminded me of the overflowing proportions of special I am. Folks, who’ve watched me be for others what very few were for me…and that’s okay. Part of understanding who you are as a person…is knowing that we’re all to our own capacity what we can be in that moment.  As, I sit here listening to Mariah sing “Never Too Far Away”…I know that in her greatness she is Mariah…and Whitney even at her worse…still was legendarily HER.  I never ask for folks to BE me…I just hope that by example, they’ll see what I’m worthy of and love me enough to give it.  I don’t “expect” things from people…I pray that the relationships/friendships that I enter into have reciprocity…enough so that I don’t feel taken for granted or like someone is doing ME a favor. I like my own company, appreciate my good qualities and not-so-good traits. I love my loud laugh, my silly impressions, my wild imagination, my left-field thinking and my love’s reach. I also can dig my evil side, the side that comes out when I’ve had enough…the fighter that is an underdog’s best representative, the sharp-tongued fire goddess I can be…and the little girl inside who needs love. All of that is me…and I’m beginning to, now more than ever…understand what I deserve over what I desire…

Did you get that? Because my desires had me grasping at slender straws…but what I deserved was even further away…due to preoccupation with trying to obtain something that may have never been mine to behold. THAT is what God is about…providing what we deserve (as unworthy as we are) over what we desire. The two don’t always coincide…so, sometimes…ya gotta let go.

I aim to be on the receiving end…for ONCE. I want to be on the receiving end of hungry kisses…hugs just because…knee rubs…cheek pinches {both sets, lol}.  I want to be on the receiving end of dinner served…calls “just to say ~I love you~”…mystery cash in my purse…love letters, yea….love letters.

Anyway…That’s what was on my mind tonight. Again…Happy New Year…and be prepared to say Happy Birthday in oh….about……….EIGHT days! 😉