MY New Year’s…

…began in the beginning of Spring.

I don’t need to wait until the clock strikes 12am, January 1st, 2011 for me to put some things into motion. If I waited all year for the New Year to chime in…JUST to change my life…that would be pretty damn dumb. I get what resolutions are about, but truth is…when things are deferred…it’s out of sight out of mind. Old habits cling to you like funk on an old trick. My ex, Ali told me once, “It takes 21 days to form a habit…and just as long to break it”. If I put myself in the habit of reconfiguring my thoughts, actions, spiritual disposition…then, I can slowly but surely morph into whom it is I strive to be.

What’s going down and NOT going down is as diverse as people are. Some shit will never make it across my threshold. For as long as I live, some signs don’t have to come in waves. One or two flags will get you dismissed. I’ve got many things that I’ve learned and am still learning, but I’ve got a pretty good idea as to what it is I will not have in my life.

My focus HAS to be on ME. I’ve been a caretaker for a very long time. To the detriment of my own spiritual and mental health, I’ve lent myself to a lot of people and situations that never deserved my ADD attention…let alone my full focus. I’ve learned and am STILL learning (the theme of life)…that people do exactly what they want. I’ve learned that no matter how tight you think you are with people or how much you love and thought you were loved…everyone is capable of choosing something or someone other than you. What motivates those choices isn’t my focus any longer…just the way I deal with it.

I hope the men are paying attention to THIS one in particular. I’ve had it. I’ll be 38, God willing on January 10th and I’m so very exhausted. I’d rather live in the woods with Bambi anem, eating twigs and berries…scratching my ass with my own hoof…than to deal with crap any longer. If you’re bored, in between make ups/break ups with the S/O, are looking for guiltless sex, but are using romance as the lure (I’d prefer you tell me I’m attractive and you wanna bed me. Will you get rejected? Who knows…but be a big boy about it) …if you’re looking to conquer the kween…whatsoever drives you aimlessly in my direction…DON’T! Pass me over. Don’t waste my time. I’ve been nice in the past…but, I WILL blast/blog/status your ass this go round. Why? Well, because if women stood up more to the bullshit…men would get away with much less. You will not roll up and claim to want to get to know me better and then say a week later on FB “in a relationship”. (Yea, I’m talking to you…) That shit didn’t happen overnight. Don’t play with people’s emotions…you may not like what you get in return.

I have always been the person that considers. I consider the FULL picture. I search the spectrum of scenarios before I make a move in any direction. That’s called CHESS. You wanna play checkers? Go to the park. I’m sure an old head will oblige you. I, on the other hand am not dealing in any penny ante games of cat and mouse, pride and prejudice, war and peace…etc. lol

Life snatched some rugs from up under me this year and though I’m strong…I’m a little worn. The Capricorn in me had me holding on with clenched fingertips to people and things. I can’t. It’s not in the cards. I used to call it quitting…now, I call it survival.

Unlike last year, I will not “claim” this year as mine. I said it would be all about me in 2010 and it wasn’t. It was all about loss. Well not ALL about loss. I lost relationships and I lost a huge part of my heart when my grandmother died. I found some cool people to add to my circle of trust. *channeling Meet The Fockers* LOL

Then again…perhaps it WAS about me. Maybe, God removed my proverbial bush to see where my heart was. I hope I passed, God. I tried. I prayed for my naysayers, I forgave, and I never denied You. I guess this year was about my walk with Him. 2010…10…it’s the number that follows 9. It’s the 1 and the cipher 0…1’s new beginning. Indeed, it was about me. Now let’s see if I can “master” 2011. (11 is a master number, since the 1 is repeated and strengthened). Yea, I’m into a little Numerology. Don’t judge me. lol

Happy New Year!

The Kween’s State

Happy New Year to all of you.  God bless that we were able to meet on the other side of 2009.

I have a lot to do this year. I’ve got to publish my works, get my health together…wait…there I go. Creating resolutions without meaning to. I guess the point is that the new year is like a new day…another chance to do better…the same way we wish for another day to get it right. I won’t make any promises or go extreme for a goal. All I can say is that I am going to try from this point forward to stay productive and be what God has purposed me to be. If that somehow includes, published work, a healthier overall state of self and some fun…so be it.

I confess, I brought 2010 in with tears. I cried for what should’ve been, what needed to be and why in it all…I felt immensely alone. I shouldn’t be, y’all. I am a vibrant, humorous, talented, special woman…who deserved to be in the throes of an all-consuming love. I should’ve been in the middle of the rest of my life…but happy. I’ve gotten some really good advice…people who have reminded me of the overflowing proportions of special I am. Folks, who’ve watched me be for others what very few were for me…and that’s okay. Part of understanding who you are as a person…is knowing that we’re all to our own capacity what we can be in that moment.  As, I sit here listening to Mariah sing “Never Too Far Away”…I know that in her greatness she is Mariah…and Whitney even at her worse…still was legendarily HER.  I never ask for folks to BE me…I just hope that by example, they’ll see what I’m worthy of and love me enough to give it.  I don’t “expect” things from people…I pray that the relationships/friendships that I enter into have reciprocity…enough so that I don’t feel taken for granted or like someone is doing ME a favor. I like my own company, appreciate my good qualities and not-so-good traits. I love my loud laugh, my silly impressions, my wild imagination, my left-field thinking and my love’s reach. I also can dig my evil side, the side that comes out when I’ve had enough…the fighter that is an underdog’s best representative, the sharp-tongued fire goddess I can be…and the little girl inside who needs love. All of that is me…and I’m beginning to, now more than ever…understand what I deserve over what I desire…

Did you get that? Because my desires had me grasping at slender straws…but what I deserved was even further away…due to preoccupation with trying to obtain something that may have never been mine to behold. THAT is what God is about…providing what we deserve (as unworthy as we are) over what we desire. The two don’t always coincide…so, sometimes…ya gotta let go.

I aim to be on the receiving end…for ONCE. I want to be on the receiving end of hungry kisses…hugs just because…knee rubs…cheek pinches {both sets, lol}.  I want to be on the receiving end of dinner served…calls “just to say ~I love you~”…mystery cash in my purse…love letters, yea….love letters.

Anyway…That’s what was on my mind tonight. Again…Happy New Year…and be prepared to say Happy Birthday in oh….about……….EIGHT days! 😉