Obligatory End of Year Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Wow…2013 was an interesting year. A lot has happened. I wish I could give a month by month blow…but my memory ain’t so good anymore. lol I’ll just do my best to think of the things that stuck out the most.

I turned 40!!! I had a sweet close-knit gathering with my best girls (some were missing and MISSED). In the thick of it, my BFF Joy and I met the newest addition to our circle, Ms. Tina. We had a great time…even though I feel the weekend was MIGHTY short. I could’ve been the belle of the ball for at LEAST a week more 😀

It was also the month I suffered a meniscus injury…so, I was hobbling at the birthday event. Nonetheless…I had a wonderful time.

I spent a lot of time honing my graphics design company, FFK (Fancy Face Kreations) and building a customer base. I’m STILL doing that. It ain’t easy…but, I love it.

A family member who’d been fighting cancer, got a clean bill of health after a VERY close call. God is GOOD.

…and even though later this year, I lost a different family member to cancer…God is STILL good. He was a wonderful person and his legacy is a worthy one.

I went to my first outdoor concert with Joy. Lianne La Havas! I swear, I’ve never had so much fun while standing for 6 hours!! There couldn’t have been a more fit person to share that experience with. Joy and I both share a wonderful love of music…and Lianne brought a cool memory we’ll both remember. I spent the weekend in Harlem for once (Joy normally camps here on select weekends) and it was nice to be her guest! 🙂

I also got to watch one of my kiddies get married. I sat Catrina as a baby and to see this young woman walk the aisle into her love’s arms was a beautiful gift. Born 3 months early, my preemie baby girl has flourished into a sweet young woman whose life is touched with golden things. I was so giddy over that. I also felt OLD. I had to remind myself that I was given her as a responsibility at the age of 13…so, yea. lol

Even though, between enduring some tense moments with a couple of house guests and some unexpected and mind-blowing drama from someone I thought to be a friend…I managed to remain in the presence of mind I’m in. Blessed. Loved. Purposed for something all mine and happy to be a part of God’s plan.

With life and death, ends and beginnings…friends coming and going…life continues to tick forward. Every second is another second past the old. Every day is a new chance to see life differently than the day before.

I spent this Christmas alone…and it wasn’t all that bad (If you don’t count the burn in the palm of my hand from grabbing a searing hot pan from the oven, sans mitt O_O). I made myself a Christmas dinner of lamb chops, apple cider-ginger glazed carrots and spinach-artichoke in puff pastry. I drank Moscato and enjoyed holiday-themed movies…as I fawned over the many friends and family who DID get to spend that day with someone.

I’ll be alone for New Year’s Eve and I’m okay with that, too. I try not to put TOO much stock in the need to celebrate specific days for life. Every day is a New Year for us who can say we saw that day the year before. Every day is Christmas if you’re glorifying the Savior’s life. Every day is Valentine’s Day if you appreciate your mate…and so forth.

I can reflect with the rest of you, but every day I open my eyes is a new day…a year to the date of awakening. I pray that I get some things right. I pray that my purpose continues to evolve and grow into something that can create MY legacy. I pray that AMAZING things come my way as old and stale things go away.

I wish that for you all, too.

Again…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Too Close For Comfort?

This is kind of painful to write…

Oh, forgive me…”HI!” Nice to see you all again. It’s been a minute…but, then you guys understand me so there’s no hard feelings. 🙂

Like I was saying…this is kind of painful to write. The reason being that I have always been proud of the ability to connect to others…to build genuinely true friendships. There’s something about establishing a connection with someone who has so many wide and equally deep commonalities as yourself. It quickens the meshing and it can hold you endeared to that person for years of long friendship.

Until it doesn’t anymore…

I firmly believe that just like in love relationships with a significant other…we are drawn passionately to people who are built to bring out the best AND the worst in us. Reflectors of our light and dark traits, lovers AND friends are there to show us who we can be…and remind of us what we no longer HAVE to be. Having said that, just like in love, there’s passion. Friendships can behold passion as well, except it will often be for love OF things like: shopping, reading, partying, music, etc. What will draw you together also has the potential to weaken your bond over time with too much stress on the parts of you that are depended on for your dynamic.

For instance, you may find a friend who loves to shop like you do. You guys tend to hit each other up for the newest sales, seasonal releases and just plain old window-shopping for the lean days. At the same time, because your buddy may like to shop and acquire things…they may also be superficial. You may have a friend on your hands who will “trade up” just because someone else can buy them things and get them into places you may not be able to.

There are always drawbacks to common threads that create friendships. We are individuals and that means we’ll always be self-interested at some point. (Most of us anyway)

For me, I’ve realized something. An epiphany hit me in the middle of the night/early morning, hence the reason I’m up blogging presently. (Random Side Note: I am such a geek, in that when I find a new favorite font, I change my settings so that I can use it as a default font. I’m enjoying watching these words form. Oh, new said font? “Veggieburger” lol)

…I digress.

What I realized is that due to my own deeply empathic abilities and my propensity to meet or befriend people who are also deeply empathetic or spiritual…it’s like placing two frayed, live wires together and watching the electricity surge and form sparks. They can either be sparks of intelligence, inspiration, encouragement and love…or they can be  sparks of competitiveness, envy, confrontations and sensitivity.

It makes all the sense in the world that people who are extremely sensitive to their surroundings and energies, would pick up on the slightest slight. I am by no means saying that they way I feel or the way others feel in relation to me are insignificant or trite. Contrarily, they are at times insurmountable and daunting. It leaves the people involved questioning whether or not they’re crazy.

Questions one can ask themselves in such a conundrum:

“Am I too sensitive?”

“Am I feeling my own feelings or someone else’s?”

“Do I need to tailor my words and behavior? Should I ask someone else to do that for me?”

Those are questions to begin with.

I often wonder if I misunderstand the spirit and intentions of my friends. I surely believe that I’m misunderstood at times. Here you have two or more highly sensitive spirits, picking up on each other’s mental, spiritual, emotional and SOME times PHYSICAL pain. There’s bound to be moments when the intensity of raw emotion bubbles over into everyday communications. Maybe it’s better to be around people who aren’t as sensitive to the unspoken word as you may be. Perhaps that will foster better relationships that don’t breed contempt with passing time. I just know that it’s often work, communicating the intent and motivation behind what I mean…what I mean to SAY.

I just imagine two psychics in a room…so much clairvoyance, perception and highly sensitive and lighted vibrations…can you imagine the offense to be taken to each other’s deepest feelings? To each other’s SURFACE feelings? Think about it…for an average person, a surface feeling is just that. It’s skin deep, seasonal and fleeting. For someone who feels everything with abysmal depth…a “surface” feeling can become a misinterpreted slight. In order for each psychic in the room to truly feel one another with the truth, there has to be a give and take. A moment when one is tuned down as one is tuning in.

Or, maybe  I don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s entirely possible. lol

Either way…I’m trying my best to harness that which doesn’t require release and loosening that which does. Nothing hurts more than to hurt others unintentionally or otherwise. When friendships become difficult because of miscommunication, it can be hard to deal with. It forces you to look within, but more so, it can make you feel like alienating yourself…especially if it’s happening too often.

Just a short thought…

Peace, Scopers.

***BLOG NOTE: I wrote this like three days ago in the dawn hours…I just got around to pressing “Publish”. lol***

These Three Words

No.

They’re NOT “I love you”.
They’re, “I am sorry”
People rarely say these words anymore…and some who do…almost never mean them. How do I know? The behavior remains the same. There’s no effort to rectify the situation with corrected behavior.
Apology is affirmed through change of action. If someone says, “This hurts me” or better yet you’re convicted by your OWN behavior to feel remorse for hurting someone…it should behoove you to apologize. If by chance your apology is bullshit…to “keep the peace” or shut someone up…save it.
Insincere apologies are normally motivated by a desire to:
  • Not hear one’s own wrongful actions; being unable to withstand guilt
  • Not wanting someone to be angry at them (most assholes don’t like to be the bad guy…isn’t that ironic?)
  • Wanting to remain in control; emotional manipulation is as addictive to the manipulator as it can be to the softer mind of the manipulated
  • Not caring, but simply not wanting to argue
It’s shameful. As with my previous post…I stated that people often do wrong things but want a respect they hardly give. A lot of people feel entitled to a kind of respect and consideration they themselves have never been familiar with. I DO believe that there is a mental imbalance with someone who feels justifiable to use their emotions as a snare and yet will find a reason to be unreasonably angry with someone who in essence is NOT their problem.
On another note…why is it that some people feel better about forgiving the one whose done them the worst harm but NOT the person who they pretty much used as a scapegoat to deflect from being hurt at someone else? I noticed that behavior in a LOT of women. They’ll forgive a man for his slanderous, philandering and manipulative ways…but damn the women involved. How does that work exactly? I can’t imagine embracing the perpetrator and persecuting someone who was victim alongside myself. I’d sooner do away with BOTH people than to accept the person mostly responsible for causing the issue to begin with. If anything, I’d want to ban together and against that person to make sure they don’t win. Nothing is better than uniting and becoming comrades rather than to allow them to cause division. I guess that’s just me though. 
Having said that, some friendships need to stay dead, others need to start from scratch and then there are those who just require some rewiring and that’s all. It’s a wonderful thing to know which is which.
Either way…some people HATE to admit guilt and apologize for their own part in things.
NOTHING in your life is all someone else’s fault. Don’t get stuck on petty principles and then try and justify your inability to see the bigger picture all because you’ve decided to focus on a piece of a puzzle. Let go of that ONE thing that had you slipping…and tally up the total with objective eyes and heart. 
Also remember, that apologizing doesn’t always mean you’re admitting culpability. Sometimes, you just care enough about that connection and don’t wanna lose them. 
(Even though…if you’re always the one apologizing….you might wanna consider who your friends are)
This has been a message delivered by the Kween herself…my message deliverer is drunk behind the stables.
Peace!! 

Chit Chatter

It’s 3am…my witching hour…so of course I’m up.

Right now, I’m listening to the wind whistle Dixie…and an old episode of All My Children is on where I can remember being grossed out by the almost-love affair between Erica and Ryan. How you gone romance your daughter’s baby daddy? Ole cougar lookin’ ass…

Anyway…I’m up. Not mad either. I had a great Vicodin induced “nap”.  Oh, you don’t know what happened? Lemme update you:

~ So, my 40’s kicked the door in with a “probable meniscus tear” in my left knee (to be determined how severe w/an MRI) …did I write that in my birtsay blog? Probably. Either way…I’ve been hobbling like an 80yr old. What I’ve noticed is NOW…I’ve got pain in my right knee, because when you injure one side of your body…the other side will begin to get overused. So now…BOTH knees hurt.

~ I’ve had a tad bit of family drama (on the pappy’s side) and it’s had me in perpetual eye rolling mode for some time now. I’ll just say, “The LOVE of money is the root of all evil”

~ I’m learning to let go…I used to have SUCH a hard time letting go. I love so hard and want people to stay in my life whom I deem important, but when people let you go…you too, have to shake off the shackles of exhausted connections…and yes…even if it is family. I’m preparing myself to leave this earth SOLO…so, that means, if folks wanna act like my presence is optional…I will act accordingly.

~ Fancy Face Kreations has been my new baby for a while now…and with God’s grace and a chance from new connections, it will flourish. Click the link at the top of the page and see what we’re all about!!

~ Folks are hard-headed (random)…I swear you can’t tell folks NOTHING. I promise that I’m  learning to purse my lips and shush my thoughts. 40 gives you an almost automatic IDGAF license.

~ I’m kinda mad that the news reported that cats are killers. DUH..they have claws and teef. They have the hunter instincts like their bigger cat cousins and WILL put it in the life of a bird or rodent. It’s the cycle of life. Talmbout…humans need to keep their cats in the house. “The jail you made for Fluffy is the one you gonna rot in…”

~ Why folks keep messing with Bey? Let that child alone. Leave these CELEBS alone. They’re people too…learn some boundaries. Living a life in the spotlight doesn’t mean you get to invade them with your judgments. Mattafack…try this with ALL humans. Getcho own space.

~ Welp, I’m closing it out…not going to bed so to speak…but, ending my little midnight meandering. I’ll end up on Facebook playing Chefville until I can’t keep my eyes open.

Good night, Scopers. To you all in the line of fire of the bad weather…be safe. God bless. Return to me. 🙂

Kween of What?

My love tree just keeps growing…and growing…and growing 🙂

Firstly…HI!!!

I know it’s been a long time! I haven’t been blogging a lot. Life has been dictating that so I’m not really sorry…just missed you guys!

I just gotta tell you. I love the way life shows you what you need to see. Over and over again, I am shown things even when I’m second-guessing myself. I’ve got great instincts and a lot of empath and psychic energy. I feel a lot and often say, “Nah…stop thinking too much Kiwi”. Mostly because for a long time when I’d SHARE these things, people would say that. “You’re thinking too much girl…” I should know better than to question myself but from time to time, I do. So God be doing things…moving things…proving things. I get it, Lord…I get it.

I’d been reflecting recently on everything around me. My friends, my family and my lack of love life which really isn’t a lack of love…just a male symbol of love…because I’m in a love affair with myself. I dig me. I date me. I seduce me. I flirt with me. I tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m im’poe’tant. LOL

Don’t get me wrong…a girl misses the niceties and novelty beauty of love, but I’m so happy just being able to say I’m blessed…that I don’t dwell on it often. I have my moments when I get lonely for a good hug, kiss, cheek stroke or *ahem* “stroking”…but, that’s human. As long as we’re in this skin, we’ll crave or at least consider…needing someone else.

I learned recently that my blessons (blessed lessons) are vast and deep. I’ve learned the art of love and loss…the art of friendship and loss…and the never to be mastered “art” of losing family. Every day my heart aches for my grandmother, but I know how she was. She was a Cancer woman of much sass, love, outspokenness and grace. She embodied the “mother” trait and often at times could be a walking contradiction. I can hear her saying, “Baby Love…don’t worry about grandma…I’m fine. You worry about you! Go out and make me some great-grand babies. Make em pretty, too!” I don’t think I’m having babies, grandma…but, I think I’ve got the worrying about ME part down…FINALLY!

I love the fact that losing past loves didn’t make me this hateful, inconsiderate, bitter person. I still lavish in all things love and have a deep affinity for couples in love and babies with their parents. After the initial breaking up with past dudes, after long…I’m remembering them at the pinnacle of our connection with fondness and smiles. I’ve learned that the ART of forgiveness is steeped deeply in the art of self. It’s for me. MY freedom, peace and future happiness. Who they are and what they do is solely between them and their God.

I’ve also learned that in spite of how time passes, there are people who were once my best friends and sole confidantes will always reside tucked sweetly in my soul. There…in the spaces between hi’s and bye’s…are albums of mental pictures of things we did together, recorded audio of phone convos that go back and forth between salacious, silly and serious…and always…always…LOVE.

Once I’m bonded with you…nothing but death can keep me from loving you. Nothing but the most heinous of crimes could keep me from still thinking of you as I remember you best.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. I once considered renaming myself. Taking the Kween of Love name away from my Twitter and giving myself something more realistic to how my life is. I mean, folks be coming to me for advice and support on things I don’t even possess true experience on. I have no kids. I have no man in this moment. I’ve got both my parents (Thank you God for each day you renew us in) and honestly…I’m not a party person, a sex nympho or anything.  What I realized the other day that people come to me, not because I’m an expert. They come to me because I am an observer. I am a pure lover…and because they TRUST me. Isn’t that beautiful? To be trusted with someone’s daily life troubles and concerns on the strength of love for you and yours for them. That’s a blessing.

Like I said…I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. Some gaps need to be closed in on, others are fine as they are. Every gap isn’t an obstacle…sometimes, it’s for your own safety. This ONE gap though…it’s not working. A bridge needs to be rebuilt…even if only so that it’s there and not because it will be used right away.

Baby steps, Kween of Love…Baby steps 🙂

Brand New

There’s a saying among my people…”She/he is acting BRAND new…” If you’re unfamiliar with this colloquialism…it’s meant to infer that someone has “forgotten themselves”. There are a few specific instances where people MOSTLY forget themselves and act “brand new”:

~ They get some money
~ They get MORE money
~ They get a new house, car, etc.
~ They get a new mate O__0 (Yea…I’m talking to you)

Now, let me go ahead and get the bullshit out of the way. I am NOT bitter. I am justifiably pissed off. Those two things are vastly different. When someone has used your friendship and love as a tool, betrays your bond and then turns around and wants to remain friends (which is code for, “Please don’t get mad at me and make me feel bad”)…there’s something that kicks up in me that gets disgusted and appalled by the audaciousness of some folks CLEARLY high off their own supply.

So, what has prompted me to write this is as much a cathartic necessity as it is a source of “info-tainment” for you all. I love that I can come here, share my world (if I so choose) and know you all are going to be honest, open and respectful as you read and comment. ~mwah~ 😉

Anywho…When you are someone’s friend, intended love, family member, etc…you build up a base of honesty and trust. From that other traits of bonding are birthed, which causes endearment. Time and energy spent insinuating yourself into someone’s heart and soul…should be valued to the tune of invaluable. Someone, willing to allow you access to their heart and happiness…should be considered and given the utmost respect. I take no one in my life lightly. If God saw fit for us to be a part of each other’s lives…I do everything within my power to keep those ties tightly bound with love and all that encompasses it. Does it always work? Of course it doesn’t, but that’s my hope.

What I know is not to expect that everyone is like me. I don’t expect people to do what I do, feel how I feel or react the way I would. Yet, there is SOME sense of expectancy in a relationship of give and take (which is why unconditional love is so hard to attain.) When a person presents themselves as capable and starts off on the right foot…it is disconcerting when they drop the ball and pretend it never happened. I try my best to be accountable for my actions. If I hurt you, I’d hope you would tell me. Whether I intended to or not, believed I did or not…I’m going to apologize and take stock of my mistake so as not to repeat it. When someone hurts me…I often find that most aren’t willing to do the same. Having said all of this…when someone you trust is ALL in (to the point of going so hard you question it’s sincerity) and then abandons your friendship/love all because they’ve found something better, more convenient,  newer…it leaves a bad taste.

The “brand new” comparison comes in RIGHT here…

Some people are so inherently selfish that when they’re in friendships/relationships…they THINK they’re giving of themselves, but what they’re offering is base attention and not deep affection.  When someone does something consistently in a superficial or let’s call it…in a more habitual manner…it can mask itself as the consistency that reinforces love. Yet, in order to be in any kind of love relationship one has to be in touch with who they are and understand what love is. What their OWN worth is…so that when doling out love in an exchange, they will have something to measure it against. That way, self love is readying you to give that very thing you desire and deserve to those around you. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated.

So when some of the selfish folks get what they need/want…or accomplish a goal of intimacy or conquest…they move on. Moving on is fine, but you should remember to never burn that bridge. You never know if what you got from that person is something you may need to tap into again. For anyone to shrug off justified anger and hurt because they don’t want to be held accountable, don’t want to feel the discomfort of having a mirror held to them…is simply cruel, cold and irresponsible. We are indeed responsible for the feelings of those we care for and if you don’t feel that way, then perhaps you need to reassess your heart space. So to then bask joyfully in their new life choice as if they haven’t done a thing wrong…is acting “brand new”.

Remember this…You can TRY to create a flawless future all you like, but you may also want to make amends with your peppered past. Don’t think for one moment that your current happiness with your “newness” is under Karma’s radar. That chick has a GPS on all assholes, bitchasses and wrong-doers. You’d better PRAY that your new found shiny outer coating is gleaming bright enough to blind her to your ways. Then again…she CAN smell fear.

Oh, you thought you weren’t fearful? Yes…oh, yes…most selfish folks are FEARFUL. They fear rejection, loneliness, judgment, accountability, etc. That’s why like thieves they get in…and get out, doing their best to not leave anything behind. Eventually, though…you always get nabbed. Especially if you believe in a higher power…you have to answer for your deeds. You have to live with yourself when there’s not a thing around you except the sound of your own heart beating, your mind’s ticking and God. Not so brand new anymore, right?

Knowing When To Go



“Sometimes it’s not the person who changed, but the situation that changed the way the person behaves” ~Me

I haven’t blogged “me” in a while… I decided perhaps I needed a forum to relax, relate and release into. ~long exhale~
I feed off of energy…or not. You give me pure positivity…I return that. If you give me negativity…I don’t return it, I just deflect it with appropriate  and positive reaction. Self-preservation is a necessary quality for humans. No one should always be 100% selfless unless the cause is so much bigger than them that their energy is less energy and more vessel for God’s gift. Examples of that are found in the life works of Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr. I am not any of these people. I’m nice. I love people. I dig helping, but I can’t be as self-sacrificing as I once was. I’m on that shit nowadays. (See, Mother T wouldn’t have said that).
I noticed that over the course of a few years…friendships/relationships had changed or ended. One or two I regret the WAY it ended, but am good with where I am. Having said that…I know something about myself. I’ve known this since I was a teenager. When I feel like I’ve done all I can to bring a situation to the table or my attempts were foiled, etc…I decided RIGHT then and there that I’m done. Even if, I communicate with the person…I still hold a sense of reserve. When people do dumb and unnecessary shit especially, I fold up my emotional tent and leave. Why should I stick around when it’s been made clear to me that you’re either full of shit, selfish or both? Not happening. I used to. My last “relationship” was entertained FAR beyond the breaking point. That shit should have stayed gone once I found out that he was making plans to see the chick. BOOM! Yet, I was too busy trying to salvage the friendship portion of what we had and that, too was crap. Friends don’t do what he did…so he wasn’t fit for that position either.
THAT is what I learned hardest that go-round.  Friends don’t lie, manipulate, mislead, disrespect, cross boundaries of trust, etc. They are supposed to be your “checks and balance”. If I gotta keep “checking” and “balancing” your ass about how you’re treating ME…nah uh. I don’t have time to emotionally babysit anyone.
Once the dynamic is changed, for whatever trite reason…I let it be. If I go a period of time without speaking to you and the distance was more shade than space…once we DO speak, I am NOT gonna hang my heart out for you. I will treat you generically. If the SPIRIT hits me that we can begin again I will open up slowly. I will fa SHO pray on it…but, I will weigh up the truth of how things happened and the growth of us both. 
I don’t have it in me anymore to allow crap to hang in limbo. Once you show me your lack of concern for me…the friendship…I start throwing my little ideas, affections, and cute emotions into my carry on and start for the door. That’s the NEW me.
I leave you with this…
People do what they WANT to do.”
Love is a verb doing!
Never make someone a priority who makes you their option
Cliches…but, true.
~Peace~

10~ 10 And WINNING!

List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you
This is hard…REALLY hard. I preface this list with apologies to any who may think that their name NOT appearing on this list is a reflection of my love for you. It isn’t…these are my daily and constant soldiers. The ones that never leave…even if life is tugging them in other directions. I love MANY…but, these people are there every day in some capacity or another. *thinking…can I do an honorable mention’s list?* LOL
This isn’t meant to dumb down your meaningful relationships…it’s meant to show you who you treasure. It’s an exercise in realizing your treasures in life. With this particular challenge, I pray that you not only see who is in your corner, but whose lives you may be impacting as well. 
1~Mom: She and I have come a LONG way from the hurt feelings and misunderstandings of the past. I can tell her just about anything and I can assure you that most of what bothers me crosses her eardrums at one point or another. I’m proud of her life as a minister. She dedicates the majority of her time, not just to going to church…but seeing about the sick and shut-in, praying over troubled souls, teaching bible study and singing in (and directing) her choir. She’s truly married to the Lord and again…I’m proud!
2~Sis: My twin by 6 years…Younger chronologically…older in so many other ways. The little girl that used to tell on me and follow me around is  now a woman I respect and love dearly. I’d kill and die for this woman and that’s no lie. We’re connected.  We do the “twin thing” without being DNA twins. I call many sistas, sistars and yes…sisters…but she is the ONLY STISTER (because she couldn’t pronounce it as a kid) …that I have.
3~Dad: We struggle from time to time, but I’ve got sweet memories of us doing the most basic stuff. I love him dearly. He’s toughed out the trials of addiction and has been a trooper since my grandmother (his mom) passed last year. In spite of our personal ups and downs…I am proud of him.
4~Joy: My “BFF”, “bestie”, “sister”, all that shit. I actually want to veer away from the whole “claiming” of my closest peeps because it makes their position in my life seem small. This woman has been there for me when shit got real. We’ve “argued” all of a booming two times…with little to no raised voices and ending convos with nothing short of giggles and “I love you”. Nothing beats her coming out of her own comfort zone (extreme dislike for funerals) to support me when my grandmother died in 2010. That’s the shit friendship is made of…
5~Grandma C: My maternal grandmother…the last one standing. My grandma can be evil as a snake. LMAO I ain’t lying…I swear, ask any one of the OLDER grands (them young ones escaped her wrath somehow). She’s quick with her sword…tongue, I mean…and she can hurt the feelings of the strongest soldier. Hell, I’m STILL waiting for her to induct me BACK in the family. (She disowned me in anger like 15 years ago) LMAO! Through it all…I love my grandma. I accept her for who she is…and I don’t let her get away with her maniacal ways. I, the consummate Capricorn am the perfect “devil’s advocate” to patronizingly, condescendingly, but subtly scold the Taurean bull. *insert a pic of a seagoat popping out of the water and saying, “Hey…Bully…ya kinda loud. I can hear ya’z aaaawl de way down to de bottom o’ de sea AND at de top o’ de bluff. Sheesh Louise…lay off de caffeine will ya?” The bull says with a smile of embarrassment, “Oh…hush, chile. Lemme gruff.”* By the time the seagoat consents to let the bull do what she do…she forgot why she do what she do. That’s me and Grandma in a nutshell. My lady. 🙂 
S/N: I’m completing this blog after just waking up at 6:51am…so, I hope that explains the colorful description up there. LOL
6~Deanna aka DeeBo: I  met this chick through her ex. I knew him first on another social site called Multiply a few years back and when he began dating her…she became a part of the circle of friends I had there. Eventually, she and I hit it off past his inclusion and became pretty damn close without him. (I’m always stealing male friends female friends and/or lovers) LMAO. She’s indeed one of my SiStars along with her BFF Harmony. Dee is one of those folks on this planet who I have that psychic connection with. We almost ALWAYS feel the other and pick up the phone at the exact moment we’re thinking of the other. I ain’t gonna even say it’s weird…it is what it is.
7~Maria aka Sangria Soose: *she gone cuss me good for that one* :::snickering like Mutley::: ENTY WHO…THIS chick right here? Is one of those friendships that folks are STILL looking at me like, “You good…you real good…” They can’t understand how I got SO close to someone who was involved with my ex right after the last time he and I broke up. Yep. She be his next after me. She came out of nowhere (well not really…I remembered her vaguely from the old Yahoo 360 site). She needed to get some answers after they broke up and BANG! BOOM! The inbox convo became a phone convo became a friendship that I cherish dearly. I can’t say anything more about my KinTwin…except, she’s “thwee” and likes Pooh. LMAO *running*
8~Chuck aka Cee aka Puff: The watch dude. That’s what I remembered about him from Yahoo 360 (running theme of my friendships, huh?) His profile pic was always either a watch or a teddy bear…a naked teddy (smh). He and I didn’t get close though until the summer of 2010. I’d lost my grandma and broken ties with a few important people and out of concern…he reached out. We’ve been blowing up each other’s cells ever since. He makes sure I’m okay and I make sure he’s okay. We’re a support system and a source of silly shenanigans. He’s also the damned reason I am a newborn watch lover and back on that shit (aka shop TV). That’s my figga if he don’t get no bigga.
9~Caprice aka Preecey: I met this star through Joy. Caprice, Chante, N’Tirzah and Rachael are another group of “SiStars” that I love. We connect over artful events and food. LOL We are part of a sister circle whose purpose is to be a source of support. Though our time together is often sporadic, Preecey and I still check in on each other. When we DO talk,  we tend to go hours, not because we’re catching up…but, because we’re always spanning the spectrum of convo. If I didn’t see her on FB at least, I’d be sad…:( 
10~Tei: I’ll call her the “surprise”. She and I also met on 360. We ALSO met similarly to Maria and I. Her ex became my next and then when he was my ex, we became each other’s bane of existence.  We could’ve NEVER known how close we’d be…but, I can say that this woman and I have a TRULY deep connection that touches spirit and mind in a way I don’t often experience with others. I’ve always been the go-to friend-erapist…the one that people seek to speak to, in order to make sense out of things. Basically, she’s for me what I am to others. She doesn’t lie to me, she doesn’t coddle me, she’s not afraid for me to be mad at her truth (but then neither are them chicks and dude up there ^^^) LOL…but, she’s more straight to the core of me. She almost NEVER misses the mark on where I’m coming from…and she always turns my words in on me in a way that makes me wanna jump through the phone and wrestle her. LOL …she also has the best Jamaican accent I know and that usually makes it all better. hehe
You know what? This is MY damn challenge and I’m bending rules. Shit, I think I saw someone list several folks (which WONT the point, but hell…these answers are OUR interpretations. THAT is the point) I love my ENTIRE family on BOTH sides (that list would be hella long) LOL
I LOVE: Aly and Syre and Michael and Mahogany and Quinny and Scarlett and Budda and Renee and Renee (lol) and Dani and Val and Al and Kena and Tish and Insane and Erika and Chi and Yesha and Gina and hold up…this is getting too long. LMAO
I gotta go. I’m tide. I love you ALL!!

The Evolution of BFF’s and Love





I don’t ever remember a time when I’ve loved my friends more…


In kindergarten, my BFF was Abdrice Holcomb. I grew up with him…calling him my cousin, but having a lil crush. lol. He and his cousin, Terrell Grant used to walk me home from elementary school because they liked to protect me. “Drice” and Terrell…are gone now. One shot and killed…the other died in jail. R.I.P. guys. ::pause:: (I didn’t mean to go “there”…but somehow tears came) *ahem* Those were my boys. Their deaths were traumatic for me. I dreamed about them both for years…I called them “visits”…they’ve stopped. I assume they’ve let go and moved onto where it is they’re supposed to be. Okay, I digress…


In 1st grade, my BFF was…I can’t remember. LOL


I didn’t GO to 2nd grade…wait, this ain’t going well.


…3rd…there was Anissa…4th…there was…what was her name? Was it Stacey or Tameka? Um…5th it was Samantha…6th it was, I think it was Natasha, Tameka AND Rachel. 7th it was Alyia (Trina) and then Jene (I got switched from one class to another and didn’t really see Alyia much until Freshman year in HS). 8th it was Latisha and Jene, 9th it was Jene…10th, it was Tasha and sometimes Adrienne…11th and 12th it was Vikki. It was Vikki for years…and even though our lives are separate we still love each other oodles. Now these were my school buddies, because at HOME there was Equenthia, Leah, Ronae and Indria. Vikki crossed over into my home life. My girls at home were different than school because I had friends who were 2 grades below me and above me and all we had in common WAS where we lived. ~PHEW~ what a list. LOL


Okay…throughout my life I’ve had a friend for every grade…some of those friends carried over into more than one year…and once I hit HS…it changed all the time because chicks were flaky. lol. I told my girl, Maria…that what has gotten me thrown in the midst of drama almost ALWAYS was sharing my heart with the wrong person. People who had no loyalty and couldn’t wait to go tell my business. The TRUTH always got me in trouble. I remember the crowd of people who waited for me in a friend’s apartment because I told one girl that I was “with” him…and he denied it. Yea…I lied for years about that to keep from alerting people to the fact that I’d had sex with someone who didn’t think others would approve. I was called a liar…accused of crushing on someone who wouldn’t even blink in my direction…when the reality was that he spent all of his spare time with me and would call me his best friend. Crazy, right? To this day, there are a LOT of people from my hometown who think I lied about being with him because he seemed ashamed of the chubby girl he was smitten with. Maybe that’s why I hate Mt. Vernon. LOL Anyway…


I’ve had more than one friendship go awry…mostly because when DONE wrong, I forgive with the ease of an assuring hug…yet, have been casted out and disowned when I made the slightest mistakes. Still happens like that to this day…only…I’ve learned to smile, nod in understanding and walk THAT way———>> You can’t make people fight for you. Either they will or they won’t…and nothing can change that but their own realization of your place in their life.


SO, when I was given some jewels…loose gems worth more than their weight…invaluable in spiritual immensity…I thanked God. I love my girls and my guys. I’ve got some COOL ASS MOFOS in my life. I mean it man…My HumbleBE (Joy), My DeeBo (DeAnna), My SANGRIA (lol)…(Maria), My Yellow Girl (Harmony), My Cee (Chuck), My Preecey, (Caprice), My Te’ (Chante’), My Sissy (Dani), My Tei~Bell (Tei), My Meaty (Al)…and growing and budding friendships like My girl Budda~Boo (Angela) and Angel Face (Nickole)…man…if I go on, I’ll write an entire list of people who have shone light in my life and on my darkest days.  When I’ve wanted to cry, vent, be a bitch, be a baby, be silent…they’ve listened. They’ve given me the best they have and I couldn’t ask for anything more.


Which brings me to my final point…when they pain…I pain. I literally FEEL the hurts, frustrations, anger and loneliness. It’ll come over me in the middle of the day…in the middle of a laugh…and I’ll text someone and ask, “Are you okay?”…it’s like a connective network of hearts, spirit and mental thoughts. Thoughts are things…and those things grow legs and knock RIGHT at my door. I still feel some of the people in my life whom I’ve “disconnected” from (because I never truly disconnect). I can feel it and it’ll be some Twilight Zone shit that’ll cause me to look around in a room while alone and ask…”Can this mofo see me?” LOL  Right now, my girl is struggling right and it pains me hard. I hate that I can’t be there like I want and that I’ve gone without speaking to her more than I’m used to. It’s hard to feel helpless when all you want to do is help. This chick has been there for me in ways that I didn’t expect nor ask. Real talk…she’s an amazing friend…and I love her dearly. My sister needs me and I need her, too. I have been praying for her and all of my friends who seem to be going through one thing or another…


I LOVE Y’ALL! I love my girls and my guys. I love the ones I’ve met and the ones I’ve yet to meet. I love the ones that are mad at me (get over it…I love you any damn way) and those who probably don’t even KNOW why they’re mad at me.


I’m gonna do something I NEVER do. I’m going to leave a trail of love for those whose love I can still feel…by name. Pride is for the birds and guess what…”This world be over soon…” LMAO


So, I end this blog with I love you’s…


I love you LEAH!
I love you DIONNE!
I love you JAMIE!
I love you ALI!


I love everyone who lays eyes on this…love rules the world.

***Feel better, Joy…I love you, sis. For you…***

Friends nor Lovers





“I hope we can be friends…”


It’s the phrase most spoken when a couple breaks up. I’m not sure if the one speaking this even believes it’s possible. I’m almost certain that in most cases, this phrase is spoken so that they can allay their own feelings of guilt for breaking up with someone. Or perhaps they’re hoping that the person won’t be upset with them and that the “friendship” will give them a “free-to-return” card.


That’s it…


The friendship card…is played to keep the avenues of opportunity open. When someone breaks up due to dissatisfaction or boredom…they don’t want to cut ties altogether. It’s almost like they’re breaking up with the person to 1) Give the other party a chance to get their shit together…2) Punish them (which is a more malignant form of #1) 3) They’re too punk-assed to say I’m done with you completely, so they offer the person “visitation rights” to their company and 4) They ACTUALLY believe they CAN be friends. *guffawing*


Okay, so in SOME instances, friendship between estranged lovers CAN happen. In my own experience, it takes time though. You can’t hop RIGHT into the friendship. If you’re trying to maintain an active friendship daily with someone you were madly in love with 2 days before…er, um…hell nah. That’s you (and them) holding onto the relationship…hoping for a things to get better under the threat of ending things. It’s denial…full-fledged denial.


No one wants to start over…


No one wants to go through the preliminaries again. Getting to know someone from square one. The niceties are a breeze. The sweet nuances that bring love to the surface, sourced from the butterflies in your belly. That’s easy. The hard part is learning to let go again. Knocking down the walls, the etiquette, rules of engagement. 


~No farting
~No snoring
~No burping
~No clinging
~No nagging
~No displaying unfavorable qualities that might send someone fleeing in the opposite direction with jets on their soles…


Right? Isn’t that list of “things” the many things that a lot of us try to keep from showing the new love in the beginning? I mean, I don’t care HOW real deal you think you are…ladies NOR gents gets off with a SWEET “dutch oven” or an out of left-field “Where were you?”…without a side eye. ESPECIALLY if you’ve only been out a few times. You want to gain their endearment, their adoration and affections before you destroy the bathroom for the first time.


Also, no one wants to open themselves up rawly to the risk of hurt. Getting hurt IS the risk we take when opening ourselves to love…but, a lot of people would rather rumble with the devil they know than the devil they don’t. Who wants to put themselves out there again just to create a pattern of losing battles? No one wants to find out it’s THEM that is the recurring theme in a long line of bad relationships. No one wants to look in the mirror and be the unworthiness…that stigma…that comes with failed love lives. Ask Halle Berry, she is living testimony.


Regardless…because of these things and more idiosyncrasies…we often hold onto relationships that are often under the guise of friendship. Emphasis on the word “guise”.


Truth is…if your relationship ended due to the strain of betrayal, indifference, cruelty and lies…what kind of “friend” would they be? To me, the guidelines of friendship and love relationships are damn near the same. I apply almost the same standards to my girls that I do a man of interest (accept the sex and stuff). I actually hold my friends to HIGHER standards just because I understand how easy it is for men to lose focus.* My girls? Nah…I expect them to go to the mat for me just as I would for them. Friends are chosen family and that responsibility shouldn’t be taken lightly. My love? I expect him to do the same, but the truth is that men and women’s weaknesses to each other are way different than their same-sex friendships. You WILL most likely forgive an infidelity by a lover at least once in this lifetime, before you’d forgive the betrayal of a friend. Story short: Friends are supposed to have your back when all else fails and everyone else is gone…if your friend doesn’t do that, then why would you want to keep them around? Even if you found a way to forgive your friend, the friendship is never the same…so, why would you want to immediately transition an ex into a friend when they have no concept of true friendship? (Seeing as the best love relationships begin with the best friendships). Someone who can’t fathom the vulnerability, trust and honesty that goes into friendship can’t possibly muster up those same qualities for a relationship. The only incentive for them is the sexual intimacy that comes with it.


As I was reflecting one day…confiding in a friend…I said to her, “I’m pissed at him because he destroyed our friendship…we could’ve salvaged that if nothing else…but he took the whole ship down.”


Well, no…it couldn’t be salvaged. Not as it stood…not in that moment. I believe with time and forgiveness, a friendship can be cultivated again…but, only if it began that way. You need time and PLENTY of space or else, you’re not getting over them properly. Their presence as “friend” is really a security blanket and therefore no one is moving on…well, at least not EVERY one. He couldn’t be my friend again, because he wasn’t my TRUE friend from the beginning. He kept key information about himself from me, he put me in dramatic situations with other females (aka played them against me so that I wouldn’t know what he was telling them on the side) and he didn’t trust me with his heart…not really. That’s the important part…trust.


So, If you weren’t a good friend…then you’re probably not gonna make a good mate…and back again.


Friends nor lovers….treat you badly.






*I have since changed my perspective. I have learned that one of the biggest reasons why men are such repeat offenders is because WE women excuse their behavior. I believe that if a man has dare to call me his friend before the courting, he should be held to the same EXACT standards as your same sex or platonic friends. Friendship is friendship…even after it’s burgeoned into a love relationship.