That’s how those words come out sounding to me now. Jumbled and confused…making no sense on paper nor audibly understandable.
I’ve been the self-proclaimed “kween of love” for a long time now. I’ve advocated love…championed it’s causes, whether it’s been familial love, friendship love, or spousal/mate love. I even perpetuate love of strangers. I’ve gotten into knock down, drag out debates about love and how IT doesn’t hurt and how it’s people…hurt people to be exact, who HURT people. About how love and respect is synonymous if you understand TRUE love. How love is simple and life/people are complicated. I’ve said that love is unconditional when understood in it’s truest form and intent…God’s love. I’ve told more than a few and said it to myself more than a few times…that “love doesn’t reside in one person…it resides in you by way of God”. In that moment, I’m usually telling someone that no matter how much you felt that “no one would love you how he does” or that “you’d never love another”…it is a choice you’re making to excuse away wasting time on someone who doesn’t want to give you what you need. *insert a talking hand gesture*
I’m tired. I’m tired of talking about love. I’m tired of saying how much love is worth in a person’s life. I’m tired of trying to show grown folks how to do simple things…like own up to their emotions, truths, life and live through love in the moment. I’m SICK of telling folks how, you can’t control love. There is no love in control and no control in love. It’s a free-flowing thing that one succumbs to by allowing their heart and spirit to guide them, rather than the mind. I’m exasperated, exhausted, fatigued and SPENT at trying to love folks at their core. Seeing all that they hide, trying to love them for whom they are…all for them to try to make me feel like it’s not worth it.
If I say I love you…it’s forever. I never stop. No matter WHAT you do short of tryna kill me…and even then, I’ll say “maybe that fool didn’t have his/her Wheaties”. LOL I know that, it’s not in me to promise you love and then renege. It’s not in me to show interest if I’m not genuinely interested. It’s not in me to say you’re my friend and then treat you like an associate. It’s not in me to treat strangers better than I do my own clan. I don’t comprehend malice. I don’t comprehend blatant lies and deception. I don’t make room in my heart and energy spaces for bullshit ass averments that amount to a hill of cat shit. I take love seriously…very. I’m always prepared to show and prove…so what the fuck is wrong that I can’t get the same? I shouldn’t have to tell ADULTS how to be that. I shouldn’t have to remind you of what you said you’d do, who you said you were, where you said you’d be. Either you’re about the business of being true or you’re not. Pick a persona and stick with it. DO you…just let me know, so I can respond accordingly. Love is love…even from a distance!
Perhaps I overstated being the kween of love. I think I’ll go change my Twitter name to JustALoverOfLove and cop to being a romantic that has grown hopeless. Or perhaps, I’m just in a weary state and when I’ve climbed and tugged at the terrain for sure-footing (the Capricorn in me) I’ll be renewed and back to the kween’s glory of reigning in love.
Until then…”I velo uoy”