I am 37yrs old. The statistics on my romantic life are pretty simple. I look back in retrospect and realize the the times I thought I was IN LOVE…were infatuations, misguided companionship or friendship gone wrong. I still wonder if I’ve ever truly been IN LOVE. I’ve had one major relationship (this includes physical meeting, sex, monogamy and including but not necessarily co-habitation). In spite of feelings I’ve felt…a true relationship is not all inclusive without physical consummation. And, though I have fallen a few times since…I can say that those were just trips with a little knee scraping. So, again…the depth of love I’ve experienced is still being measured…just like time.
Over time…I have wondered exactly WHEN it was that I realized things. It took me to get out of those entanglements…sometimes years after…to realize my “love” was heavy like, lust or friendship. Then I wondered…when in it…how long DOES it actually take before you “know” that you’ve found something special?
My girl and I were IM’ing one evening and she mentioned something about how she and her dude would be discussing their relationship’s future soon. I guess because they are approaching several months to a year and she feels now is the time to discuss the direction of their relationship. I agree with her thinking. We are NOT in high school anymore. Us 30-40 somethings taking years to decide whether we’re serious about someone or not…need to get it together. It doesn’t take all of that. By now, we have a pretty good idea as to what we need, want, don’t need and don’t want. So, why all the time passed? Why make someone waste years of their life all so you can selfishly hang on to them while “figuring it out”. And for the record…when folks (male or female) want someone…they make themselves accessible or they GO for it. People who want you…WANT to be with/near you.
Is it really worth it to drag out connections to supplement gaps in your life? Is it really worth it to bide time in a delusional facade of a “relationship” to be able to say you’re not alone? At what point in the frame of time you’re with someone…do you ask, wonder or realize that you’re not in the relationship you deserve to be in?
I guess the penalty for committing time frame violation…is MORE time being miserable.
As we count down to the New Year…I felt the need to speak on time. You all know what I’m going to say…so, I”ll make this absolutely short and sweet.
I feel like sometimes us humans walk around impervious to the hourglass. We believe that we have all the time in the world. To squander away concerning, goals…love…places we want to go. We always say, “tomorrow…” and “next time…” thinking that by saying those words we automatically summon time to be on our side…waiting for us to make decisions…complete business…garner success. Believing somehow that if we give all the reasons why NOW isn’t possible…that later will be an option.
I’ve waited so many years to take the bull by the horns concerning my writing. I’ve “wasted” time being afraid. Afraid of change, SUCCEEDING (go figure) and of course…failing. I know some would wonder…why be afraid to succeed? Well with success of anything, comes the fear of it not working out and it being taken away. With success comes the responsibility of MAINTAINING that success…and that equals work. Success brings hatemongers, users and beggars…and it brings out the phonies, too. It can also adversely affect the succeeder in feeling obligated to take care of others and not being free to truly appreciate what their success brings. So, we (I) bided time…hoping that one day it would be okay to take a step forward. Waiting for the “perfect time“. What IS the perfect time? Does that even exist?
I’ve come to realize that those that are waiting for the “perfect time” and are trying to adhere to or construct plans for their life…can sometimes use those standards as blockades and crutches. Not wanting to make a decision that may leave them in a place of loss. Risking too much…and finding out how quickly plans go awry and ending up empty-handed. So folks hold onto morsels…dotting them with the tips of their fingers…tasting, but not quite savoring. Eating, but not quite swallowing and digesting. Can you imagine if you ate constantly in the smallest portions and was never fully satisfied…remaining hungry…What agony that would be?
It is a tried and true cliche…”Time waits for no man”. ~Carpe diem~ “Seize the day”….grab hold of the moment in front of you as if it’s the fullest plate. I’ve been procrastinating for a long while…and I see now that I’ve drawn into my life those who procrastinate as well. I’ve seen people make excuses for not going for what they say they want and for not allowing themselves to be happier than they are…out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of losing it once gained. Fear of judgment. Fear of losing self. Fear of missing out on something. Fear of stepping out of the gate too long…only for it to be closed behind them…so that if they realized they’ve made a mistake…they couldn’t return to that comfort zone.
Time is precious in that it’s the one thing in that is an anomaly of theory. It is the most infinite…and yet definite. Something which has no end, yet is limited to moments. It is the one thing we want to capture in a bottle…yet are oblivious to cherish. So, take the time, to make time…
I don’t think that was short and sweet yall…but, hey…I had the time. 😉
As I write this with the quickness
I slide this post in with some slickness
Tryna beat the clock to twelve
Into the night…I begin to delve
Knee deep in some thoughts I fight
The ones that leave me alone in fright
That the way I once believed in all things good
Is coming to a close with a bunch of “should”
I sit and ponder on this thing I see
Unfolding like a dramatic plot unmercifully
I step away so as not to let it hit my feet
But I end up against the wall…feeling weak
Amazed at how I got lost in this time
As the clock is now saying 11:59
I close this out and say good night…
I’ll see you tomorrow…I guess tonight…