They Made Me Do It!!

GEEEEEZ!


All I’ve been hearing is this damn Swizz/Mashonda/Alicia Keys shit. Facebook. Twitter. STFU. It’s getting to the point of blatant insanity and this cannot and will not be good for ANY children involved when they’re able to read and understand.


Okay, let’s get it out there. I uphold the sanctity of marriage. I want to be married in my lifetime (and I’m okay if I don’t) but, I’m going to be honest, because I don’t want to be a hypocrite for the sake of voicing my opinion. In this lifetime, I’ve had feelings for a married dude. An emotional affair so to speak. He’s gone now…and guess what, YES…it took ME to send HIM “back home”. If I’d let him have his way…I’d be ass up face down right now in some hotel off from the public eye. LMAO No. Truthfully…we cared about each other. I cared SO much for him and my own souls, that I told him I couldn’t any longer pray for love to come to me in the form of possible marriage…while I entertained his “love”  for me. To me, it was hypocritical to expect God to honor my desires while actively dishonoring this man’s vows.


NOW…having said that…so no one can call me full of shit, lol…let’s get to the meat of the situation. 


Swizz and Mashonda were married. Took vows to one another.  God doesn’t do threesome marriages where some anonymous third party has equal responsibility in a couple’s marriage. Call Alicia home wrecker all you want…Swizz wrecked his own home. You can’t “steal” someone’s man. You can’t “wreck” someone’s home. You can’t “keep” a man or woman for that matter. People make choices, they stay, they honor their vows, promises and love regardless of issues, time and circumstance. Mashonda should’ve written SWIZZ’ ass a public letter. Or how about keep that shit to yourself. Be two adults and keep your marital woes between the two of you. If I was Alicia Keys, I wouldn’t have responded either. Not out of shame or embarrassment (and yes, she should be) but, because I’m not the other party in a God ordained union. I’m not obligated to uphold their vows. Alicia wasn’t either. What ALICIA was responsible for, was upholding her image. Her self-respect. Her dignity as a woman and an artist/public figure. You can’t do dirt when you’re a celebrity and think no one will get wind of it. Alas, people take the risk for less than love everyday without considering the consequences. I personally think Mashonda might have been on some get back shit. (duh, right?) Well, I said that because I see how Mashonda has taken the demure role of being diplomatic and tactful, but how tactful was it to bring your business to the public eye, starring A. Keys as the “whore”? Hmmm, woman whose career is non-existent vs. “Superwoman”…sounds like a mud-slinging campaign. After all, Mrs. Beats DID say that she once looked up to Alicia and admired her music. THIS shit here? Was way too much drama. If for no one but her kids…she should’ve thought twice before doing that. That’s just my opinion.


All of the backlash surrounding Alicia Keys is sickening to me. Not because I condone home-wrecking…because I don’t. I released myself from my situation, because I couldn’t sleep at night. It didn’t sit right in my spirit. I never intended to feel him like I did…and truthfully, I wasn’t even in love. He supplied a need emotionally that I wasn’t getting elsewhere…yet, it was wrong. I take full accountability. So, my point here is that regardless of whether Alicia meant for it to happen or not. Is sorry or not…she has to live with herself. No one has a right to judge. It’s unfair that she’s taken the brunt of the ugly attacks, while Swizz looks like the “holy grail” of this debacle. He’s the prize. He’s coasting and not being put square on the blame like he should. NO woman can take a man from home unless he’s already got one foot out the door and even then, it’s by choice. Men have a gang of kids…and don’t get the Erykah Badu treatment. Men go through MANY women…and don’t get the Halle Berry special. Women are always accused of not being able to keep their men or handle their business and that shit is getting tiresome. Men have so many options that they get to hop from chick to chick and no one stops them at the gate with, “Why can’t you stay with one?”. When will these men be held responsible for their part in the failing of relationships and families. It’s not cool at all…


For me…I don’t get wrapped up in these people’s lives, which is why I don’t write sensationalist blogs about celebrities. I’m an artist and I respect artistry. I listen to music, I watch movies, I read books and poetry. I’m not concerned about peeping through Alicia’s window to see if she scratches her ass or digs in her nose. I don’t need all that.


Folks need to learn to mind their business and save their judgment for their OWN shit….you know? The stuff you might actually be ABLE to change?


You know, it’s mighty funny that when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s affair was publicized, Angelina got SUPPORT for snagging “World’s Most Handsome Actor” according to People. She was looked at in a wonderful, glowing light as Brad adopted her children as his own. Then she was glorified when they married and had three children of their own together. In the meantime, it was Jennifer Aniston who was barbecued in the spotlight for “not being able to give Brad a family”…and for being “too busy” to be a wife. Why is it that our culture is so quick to crucify our women for these things?


~waving hand and walking off~

No





Spell on backwards” ~ Frankie (Keyshia Cole’s mother)


Babies learn to say no early. I’m sure it’s a mocking of our saying no to them and understanding it’s power in a small way. Have you ever heard a baby “exercise” his/her right to say no? They say it over and over. At times, it’s not even appropriate. They’re still learning where no belongs…and in learning that, they learn their power.


As we grow older, we become impressed upon by peers and family. Sometimes we WANT to say no but, we don’t because we’ve learned that, with our parents for example…it’s disrespectful to say no in response to a direct command. “Clean your room, Kali…”. Had I met that with a “no”…I might not be sitting here right now. You learn early on as a child/adolescent…that no isn’t a power you get to exercise often. Our parents DO however, teach us to say no to drugs…alcohol…sex…peer pressure, etc. Some of us learn to do so…others don’t. Fears become a part of our psyche. Usually this happens when we enter societal institutions like school and work. Even playing as a child in the park is a societal institution, in which playing with other children is a huge factor in building a child’s social skills for adulthood. It is in these tender, vulnerable moments that we learn to say, YES. “Wanna play?”…”YES!”. Eventually to become accepted…we learn to say YES more often. Of course there are times when that yes should have been an emphatic NO but, again we learn the power of YES and NO. 


YES, get’s you things. Often times…it gets you approval, favors, affection and other temporary fixes. Yes, is sometimes even a safe way to get out of a discussion or a lecture. Rather than hear all the many reasons, manipulations and such as to why we should do what’s being asked…we just say yes.  What happens here…is the ensuing of a vicious cycle. This is where a person can be enslaved to his or her fears of what can happen when they say NO.


“They’ll be mad…”


“They’re family…”


“They’ve done things for me…”


“If I don’t…I’ll never live it down”


I learned some key points a while back. I was reading an article in the O magazine by Oprah…and it gave me a few questions I should ask when deciding whether or not I wanted to do something asked of me. I don’t remember the questions verbatim, but it went a little something like this…

  1. Do you want to do what is being asked?
  2. What benefits you from doing what is being asked?
  3. What is the worse that can happen if you refuse?
People pleasing is a bad way to live life. If you’re always worried that if you don’t do this “thing” that people will be upset, reject you, alienate you…then you’re always going to be in the position of doing things you don’t want JUST to maintain favor. Wanting to be liked is something we’ve all come across at one time or another, but it is how we cope with that feeling which matters. Once you learn that life DOES go on without you. That hell, if you refuse to do something it WILL get done one way or the other…that, the TRUE blue friends and family will get over your refusal and still love you…saying no, will fall off your tongue like water.

One should never have to prove their love or value by doing things they don’t want to do. Being a doormat, saying yes to all favors, pleasing everyone but yourself…will only lead to misery. YOURS.  You’ll only end up exhausted on all levels, possibly putting your health in danger and being good to NO one if you continue in this direction.

Remember, if you don’t take care of yourself…you can’t take care of anyone else…especially those who DO deserve your care.


Here are some tips on how to say “no” via O Magazine —> NO!!

Who’s Driving?





I’ve heard so many people use the cliche, “Stay in your lane”. So much so, I’ve begun to wonder…does ANY one know where they’re going? Is there a map being utilized and if so…what’s the motivating force behind seeking this destination?


Right now…I’m referring to the two lanes loosely called, “Man” and “Woman”. I say loosely, because nowadays so many men and women trade places. I don’t mean cross-dressing, either. I’m speaking traditional/God-given roles.


My friend posted a video by a man on Youtube to her page. He broke down some of the more important reasons why some Black men and women are having problems. He’s a little on the harsh side with the profanity…but the point is still sharp all the same. You can view that video [men] and [women] and tell me what you think…but, back to my own personal points of view.


I’ve noticed so many excuses are thrown around by BOTH sexes as to why they’re single or stuck in the revolving door of relationships. I’ve heard women say, “He’s intimidated by my intelligence” “He’s upset that I make more money”, etc. Men will often say, “She wanted to be the man” She is too mean, controlling, aggressive, etc.”.  I’m sure there are true examples to support the stereotypical (and invisible) boundaries that keep men and women from finding a common ground on which to unify on. I’ve heard the Women’s Lib movement be blamed (and in a way…it is). I’ve heard the urban legend of Willie Lynch be blamed (read it in spite of the question of it’s authenticity). The bottom line is that many men and women, stuck on hurts, pains and bad experiences from the past…tend to make excuses about why it is they’re single…to REMAIN single. A lot of people fight commitment and instead of admitting the fear of vulnerability, they’ll form “the list” of standards. It’s the list of impossible possibles. If you haven’t been tuned into “What Chilli Wants”…don’t. It’ll make you wanna shake Chilli. (Well, it made ME wanna choke her, lol) Ms. Chilli is unmovable on her list of things she wants in a man. To prove how uncompromising Chilli’s list was…her “matchmaker”, Tionna brought in an “oddsologist” to break down based on all the components required and the demographic of Atlanta…just what the odds were. As I saw the numbers dwindle…I shook my head. I also thought…what is an “oddsologist” and is he licensed to crash dreams? Anyway…I digress. MY point is that from the beginning of watching this show I saw how Chilli and thousands of other Black women do the same thing. They’ve created the perfect man in their heads and a lot of it is due to not being over the one they THOUGHT was perfect and got away. Some of course is residual “fairytale syndrome” from being a child and looking for someone to swoop in and save the day. Men, too…have their dreams of the “Halle Berry’s” and “Vanessa William’s”. Taken by Hollywood and video vixens…wanting the perfect woman in physique, personality and freakiness. Either way…that list of impossible possibles is keeping a lot of people from finding good mates.


I think the reason why women often let some of the “good” men slip by is because a lot of us fear that “thing”. You know…he’s perfect in the beginning, but the moment you let your guard down…he morphs into the guy before him? His mask melts and he becomes the guy on your couch instead of the man in your dreams. A lot of women would LOVE to let their guards down and become the woman in the relationship. A lot of us DO want chivalry to prevail and have a man come in and do what they were purposed to do. Yet, often…we get the frog disguised as a prince and get left with a bad case of warts. No relationship or individual for that matter, is perfect…but, after too many froggies…one quits responding to ribbits while walking past the swamp. I know most of MY friends want the traditional dude. Sistas get tired of grinding all the time and being the “strong one”. We WANT to submit to a man. As one of my sista-friends says,”Proclaim, Provide, Protect”. He proclaims her…meaning, NOT being ashamed to tell the world his love for his woman. (Meaning he’s not hiding the ring/relationship status, etc to keep possible options from remaining options). He’s not going to use a million excuses why he wants to remain “private”. He’s not going to care WHO tries to come between him and her, because he knows that what they have is built on the RIGHT stuff and will survive a petty trespassing. He will provide…in that he will get up every day to procure something to sustain himself and his family. He will be breadwinner, bacon-bringer…and be PROUD about it, because his divine role is being lived. Self-emasculation by way of being a gigolo is NOT allowed. He will protect…because he’ll be the man. PERIOD! She fights no unnecessary battles because he is there to step between her and danger. He protects her, because he won’t allow anyone or anything to be a reason for dissension in their union. He protects her…because when he’s preserving his OWN life…he is doing so with thoughts of her in mind.


YET…because of the day and age we live in we get a lot of flack for wanting that security. Like my sis, Joy said, “We get accused of being gold-diggers” which is unfair to the women who aren’t just out for cash…but know the reality of life. Love can NOT pay the bills (even though real love CAN be an impetus to motivate). So, when a woman states her desire for a man who works, isn’t selfish and has his priorities straight…women get accused of wanting him just for his money. But what do we call the guy who wants a woman who “has her own”? Is he just hiding behind the desire for an independent woman…to get out of being the provider of his family? A lot of guys want it to be “easy” which leads to a lot of men sitting around on their woman’s dollar while adjusting himself. Wow…what a man. O_O


My personal hope for men and women of color…is that we re-learn some key roles. Remembering that men raise men and women raise women, but together…we raise families. That they (us) will remember that a man cannot be a man, while a woman is actively emasculating him and being his crutch, rather than his backbone. If we can remember that ladies…it’s okay to submit to a man (worthy of your submission, of course) and allow him to be the lead. We’d be half way there to love if we remembered that one. I would hope that while riding shotgun to your king…you’d be paying attention to all the road signs so that when he gets lost, you can remind him where you were going. On the same note…men, I would hope that when your “kween” points out to you something amidst…that you don’t shrug her off and remember she’s on this ride with you and you’re not alone…that her opinions, needs, and observations matter. *dangling keys* Who’s Driving? 


~Happy Trails~