Dia Ocho~ Someone Who Made My Life Hell…

…or treated me like shit?

HA! LOL…::excuse me why I chuckle some::

I am not comfortable saying that someone “made my life hell” or “treated me like shit”. For that reason, I may have subconsciously beat around this blog’s bush. I feel like I’d be giving someone power to take my peace of heaven (my mind) away…or consider me nothing (like shit). Yet, I guess…that’s what it was, huh?

Well, since it was stated in two parts (made my life hell and treated me like shit), I’mma shout out the two people who managed to make the team…TEAM FUCKME!

Who made my life hell?

For 8 1/2yrs I lived with someone. I wrote about the abuse in my blog for domestic violence. My ex, managed to abuse me mentally, emotionally and verbally where his physical attempts failed. Some of the moments that were intensely hellish?

  • Doing a vaginal check to make sure I didn’t smell like another man (YES, man…)
  • Star 69’ing my phone calls to make sure I wasn’t calling another man (he always got my family)
  • Forcing sex
  • Embarrassing me in public with controlling and compulsive behavior (ie. the time we were ousted from a movie theater for his paranoid belief that a couple was staring and laughing at us. We were the only couples in the theater. He kept talking shit loudly until security asked us to leave. They gave us our money back and we left…yea, he was on some shit)
  • Harassing my female friends via phone
  • Projecting his own insecurities onto me about weight, style of dress, our age difference (he was 22yrs older than me)

The list is very long…that’s just the tip of the blue hell iceberg. I stopped…well, because to delve any further is to go places I’ve promised myself I need not revisit for the sake of peace of mind.

Who treated me like shit?

My ex of 2 1/2yrs…kinda

I say kinda, because for what it’s worth…there was no physical abuse, there was no verbal disparaging, there wasn’t an ounce of displayed disrespect. All that he did, he did behind my back and thought I didn’t know. Some things were evident and most were not.

His treatment of me was more on the level of a mental game he liked to play. Yes, this too is abuse. No excuses. With this guy, his manipulations and lies were more subtle and borderline cruel in their conception. Whenever you promise marriage, children, a life…to a woman with no intent to follow-through, but systematically reinforces his love with tender concern, daily attention (from a distance no less)…that is a sense of torture. The fucked up thing is…that in spite of my awareness of this shit, I attempted to cape myself Cap’n Save-A-Sucka. Thinking somehow what a lot of us women think…that we can give them the love they seemingly need to be better. It doesn’t work. If a person’s intent is to be dubious, then your love will never seem genuine to them. You know why? It’s because when someone is doing dirt…they project their shit onto you. “How can she love me…when I don’t love her?” He may even ask if he deserves this “love”…that is…if he beholds a conscience.

There ya go. Day 8. Bring on the next 22 days…